But How Can You Know What You Want…?

“But how can you know what you want, till you get what you want, and you see if you like it?” (Into the Woods the musical).  This quote pretty much sums up where I am at right now.  Some new questions and very few answers have sprung up on me and I am trying to determine the yays or nays to the scenarios.  My biggest critics are those close to me.  My best friend used to ask me once a week “so are you monogamous yet?”.  My answers were always the same but I found myself answering with a range of different emotions ranging from calm laughter, to annoyance, to an almost childlike defiance, to an acceptance that people just may not understand.

One thing I have learned on my journey is what I do not like.  I do not like being told what to do or how to do it.  I have always been someone who needs to try out different paths on my own and experience things for myself.  If nothing else I come out with a greater understanding of where others come from.  So what question is really plaguing me right now?  The idea of where to take my relationship from here.  What are the next levels that I want to take it too.  I was recently talking to a gentlemen who was a swinger.  I was being my usual inquisitive self, and one thing that struck me about his lifestyle was how he was able to befriend the women that he and his wife brought back into the bedroom.  I was absolutely intrigued by this level of respect that he had for the other women.

Could I ever find a way to love or even have a friendship after intimacy with someone other than my lover?  This has been a stickling factor for me.  Being raised with the notion of one lover and one relationship at a time fear and panic has scared me out of any opening up of things as a couple.  I know this is too much information for any of my readers who actually know me and I am really sorry that you have to make eye contact with me in the future after reading this.  This is a legitimate fear though.  I am not married, I do not have implicit security in my relationship so I realize I need to artificially create that aura.  Once I create that sense of independence and confidence within myself I think things will get easier.

And yes the hard cold reality is that I may not like it, and I may for a short while dislike myself, but what if I don’t?  Are the risks involved really worth not taking a chance and experiencing what thousands of people have experienced for hundreds of years?  And here is one key difference between myself  and out there, I want to share where I am at.  I do not want to be secretive in my desires and chances that I am taking.  The gentleman I was discussing this with holds his anonymity first and foremost.  He said he is most grateful for never meeting anyone in public that he has played with.  His life is on his terms and in a secret box.  Therefor there is limited access to acceptance by society.  There are stories out there of all of these open relationships gone wrong.  And that is how our society demands it.  Politicians ruining their marriages or political careers because of infidelity, and the like.  But where are all the success stories?  Where partners are striving and being better lovers and parents because all their needs are being met?

All I ask is put your judgment on the shelf and consider the possibility that I am not the only one out there who fantasizes about more in my relationship.  I have questions and few answers, but I am taking a leap and making sure that I get to taste all that I can in my short time on this planet.  Perhaps some of you will live vicariously through me, or perhaps I will lose many readers.  Either way I can only be who I am.

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