So this morning I was going back through my pages upon pages of random thoughts that I have taken note of for my blog. I was not feeling really motivated to write and was trying to drum up a few ideas to run with. And guess what I found? Little notes and quotes here and there, that for some strange reason chronologically depicted and foretold of my breakup. Of course I don’t conclude that I knew it was going to happen, or that the signs were there. But it is interesting how I jotted down little fragments of the best and the worst and the summation is all there for my reflection.
One of my favorite things he said to me, was that he was looking for someone who can get anything and chooses to stay with him, just as he knew he could get anyone and chose to stay with that person. I am paraphrasing of course but truly this was such an empowering statement for me. I felt like a million bucks to hear it, but I am not sure it was ever quite meant for me. But it was a nice reminder to see the note I left for myself regarding it. I think it may be a mantra that I adopt for life. There is true honesty to not settling and being with someone without any obligation, just love.
I also wrote a little note about a girl that he texted that I just never quite trusted. And it turns out that the lack of trust created a vicious cycle that ended up in me getting cheated on for the first time in my life. I know I have been asked how in an open relationship cheating is possible, and well let me just say it most definitely is. You see, part of my standard is honesty. And key to this is the openness of telling the other partner after you have slept with someone. So if you tell your partner 6 months after the fact once you are already breaking up, the result is cheating in my mind. That is a severed trust, that I am not sure can be rebuilt over night. However I will say, that I did take partial blame for that one which sounds strange. I take responsibility for pre judging this woman, and not ensuring that there was a safe and loving place with which I could openly receive the news about this sexual encounter. But it was a self fulling prophecy in that I didn’t trust her, and thus it lead to me losing trust in my man, which lost trust in the relationship.
I wrote some little notes about tricks to staying sexy and confident during times of challenges and struggles which I hope will progress into a well received story. But for right now, it put a great smile on my face. And I am looking forward to putting the advice I gave to myself into practice in the dating world. The next chapter in my life is upon me. My intuition is usually very accurate, however I don’t think I would have changed a thing. These lessons learned are more valuable to me than losing a few tears for their cause. I know that I turned a blind eye to many a questionable action, but I promised myself I would experience giving myself to love. And I did, and I loved it.