Sometimes it is easier to pretend that I do not understand men at all, rather than come to terms with the current realities and issues that I face on a day to day basis. I know what my gut tells me about initial reactions and what I feel about a certain man in my life. With saying that though it is all too easy to ignore the gut reaction and replace it with hope or the fantasy of what if. I know I just finished sharing my current relationship fantasy, but I recognize that it is only a dream world. It is fictional and will remain in my subconscious, because quite frankly if something like this was to ever play into fruition it would be deemed by myself quite irrational. I am fairly certain I would not be able to handle any long term repercussions of such a nonsensical attitude towards my future. And yet logic for me flies right out the window especially when I have known a person for any length of time. I have an almost uncanny way of imagining a life or reality where times were different and my initial reaction was for all intents and purposes misguided.
My cousin and I both watch Smash, and I fully admit that I love the show. We bbm each other after each episode and discuss our feelings towards it, making predictions for the future episode. Some really fantastic bonding time for the two of us, where we can lose ourselves in the show and take some focus off our current lives. We both have our relationship issues and although very different from one another she made a rather poignant statement the other day. One of the characters, Karen, has a boyfriend with whom I predicted would cheat on her with a co-worker. We both determined that we were quite sad if that came to pass as we both liked the character. Then my cousin spelt it out by saying, “I liked the guy too, hence why we make bad choices [with men]”.
But there you have it; quite simply, I know what my instinct tells me about a person. I often even know how things will or will not work out in terms of a relationship, but I constantly fight these feelings. I honestly couldn’t tell you if this is a personal competition that I have within myself. Or it is more than that. Maybe it’s that I just would much rather be with a person than only with myself. That I can put my gut and long term aspirations on hold for a while, to ensure that I no longer feel isolated within myself. Is this an inherent human trait that others feel and has lead to our mutual cooperation and ultimate survival as a species? Or is this just a very base level feeling brought on by being an only child?
I have told myself a hundred times in the past few weeks that I am going to be selective and picky when it comes to forging a connection with a new human being. But in the meantime, I am watching as a few very interesting dynamics are created around me. And I call them interesting only because I for a long time took deliberate action in ensuring that these scenarios did not take place. But looking back now, I am not entirely sure what I was afraid of. If for example I knew that my independence would be a huge turn on for partner A, then the only conclusion at the time I could come up with was I would end up leaving him for someone who was OK with me not being 100% independent. My gut instinct told me to be strong and self assured, but my feelings overshadowed that instinct telling me that the relationship would only end in heartbreak. Ironic, but the writing was on the wall from day one. The internal struggle to be myself, versus being what my man wanted me to be or more clearly being what I mistakenly perceived my man really wanted me to be. All I can do now is laugh at the ridiculous nature of so many of my relationships and trust the little voice that tells me to be myself no matter what. There is no hardship knowing that a relationship ended because two people weren’t compatible and they both knew it. There is however a lament involved when one party knows that they were just not capable of being themselves for whatever external and internal pressures were present.