Eureka! I have figured it out. It took 3 glasses of wine to clear my head, an amazingly great night sleep with the window open in a fantastic thunder and lightning storm and a hot bubble bath to have my epiphany. I never once put E in his place. I turned myself into a doormat, I do say this with a very big hint of irony. I allowed myself to get swept up off my feet and get treated the best I ever have in a relationship. But there was absolutely no fear established that would prevent him from treating me like something to be used when push came to shove.
I recall the exact moment with D when I absolutely put him in his place and laid the foundation to NEVER treat me like crap. We were partying at the frat house as usual for a weekend, whereby there was a pool of blue Jello in which a few people decided to wrestle in. The night was absolutely freezing and I didn’t bring a change of clothes so I declined to partake. D of course decided to drag chick after chick into that pool turning a mass of people into blue Smurffs. To warm up D and a female who I didn’t know went up to shower together and closed the door. Well I lost my mind and proceeded to leave the house. I am not sure which of our friends tried to stop me at the door and further which one ran upstairs to let him know that I was furious (sorry guys I was seeing red that night). D came running out of the bathroom and tried to talk me out of leaving and to try to explain that nothing happened. I stood my ground and said that I was going home, with or without him. I laid it on the line that I was prepared to leave that night. Who knows what went through his head at that moment, but when I got into my car he was on the other side knocking on the door for it to be unlocked. We both made a choice that night, and neither of us looked back. That one incident lasted for over 7 years and I never felt like I had to earn or fight for his love. He made a choice and proved how much he loved me in that moment and I did not ever have to question that.
I just finished reading “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov and she could not have made it plainer about how important it is in a relationship to not be taken advantage of. I tried to convince myself that by not being a Bitch I was giving my guy a magical and special gift. That I was showing such open love and kindness I rationalized that he could never ever take advantage of that. I am now laughing almost to tears realizing the magnitude of errors in this line of thinking. I freaking knew better! For better or for worse I know exactly what type of relationship I want and what type of person I want to be in one. Thus here I am shaking off the dust, and giving my head a much deserved wag of my finger. Although I am choosing laughter now, there were definitely some tears along the way to this lovely self discovery. I suppose I could chalk this off to simply experimenting with being a doormat for science, but the truth of the matter is NEVER again.