I can almost always see both sides to every discussion. It is a quality that I really like about myself although it has come across as indecisive or look like I am irresolute in my convictions. Recently I had that discussion about where are we going, and where are we at with E. It is a conversation that I know men do not enjoy and yet it seems that women in general just cannot help but have from time to time. I know I like the fantasy of stability, and security. I would like to know that I have a partner who is with me and I can openly talk to and lean on in times of trouble as well as share my joys with. I believe in working on a strong foundation in a relationship and that makes living an open lifestyle easier and more fulfilling.
My perspective however is not shared, and it is not the first time I have heard this. The male mentality of things are going good why change things is often infuriating to hear. I am a person who sets goals for the future, plans, and enjoys working on things and making relationships better. Although I have done a tone of soul searching and found the benefits of living in the moment, inherently I like targets. I do not like living in a linear feeling situation, I would much rather have little hills and valleys that make life interesting. An ever changing vantage point versus just the status quo. Every man that I have talked to about this though looks at me with that same look, the one that just does not comprehend how it can make any sense to change a good thing.
And I recognize when I see that incredulous look cross my partners face, that baffled look of shock implying that you cannot force or work on stability and security. It just does not exist and is an illusion. Aside from paperwork there is as much instability in marriage as there is in dating, these societal institutions do nothing to prevent one or both parties from changing their minds, or feelings. And when put to me this way, I absolutely agree and I understand this rational and reasoning. I understand the rolling of the eyes from my male counterparts, sighing that they are even have such an absurd conversation. And yet, knowing all this and seeing both sides, I still bring it up. I still long for the illusion of security and stability. I still battle with myself and find temptation in wanting a norm.
I wrote this a few days ago, and now that I have had time to truly process both the conversation and this post I know deep down that stability and security is not a good place for me to be. It promotes laziness, it creates a place where I stop trying to seduce, to have fun and to flirt. It is a place I have been before, and that complacency is right where things end. When partners become relaxed and far too at ease, partners stray and seek excitement elsewhere. A gentle wake up call to myself that although I seek complacency from time to time, the reality is that that place is the most unstable of all.