For being such a personal blog I do keep anger at the minimum because often I sort out my anger and move on. Rarely does it linger anymore. I worked very hard on that, and with a very supportive man by my side I can see a real difference even within the last few years. However, I find part me still feels some anger and resentment even with a few months of space. I am not happy the way things worked out. I am not pleased that I watched my partner put in so much effort while I felt like a cheerleader, rather than part of the main event. I felt as if I was merely a bonus to one party at the expense of another’s efforts. And these are not words that I like to have in writing. I don’t want my anger to stick with me, to be thrown in my face at a later time, or worse published. So I remain soft spoken and balanced with reflection in my tone. This post though, will go against that grain.
There is no resolution. I made a decision as a result of being unhappy and feeling like I was a prize to be won in a game of chance rather than someone who was 3 dimensional and worthy of getting to know as a whole person. There was no earning of trust, or developing bonds, likes and dislikes. It was in fact purely sustaining the status quo, so that sex would result in a one on one intimate level. I felt cheapened by the experience. I hear often enough within the online community how much of a slut I am for seeking intimacy with more than one partner. I have grown a thick shell as a result of these strangers passing judgement and hatred. However to feel like an object or a prize by someone that I was trying to develop more with, really stung. I truly felt that he was just going with the flow to please his partner and was putting in the requested level of effort only. And I am angry.
To clarify, we were dating a couple for a few months. I ended things with the man because I was unhappy. I do not feel like swinging is a lifestyle that I connect with. I want more than that. I want a friend and someone that I can occasionally sleep with. Have threesomes and foursomes with, but with friendship in place too. I want to hang out with both parties in the couple and explore some sexual wants that I have while supported and adventuring with my partner. In our first couple adventure this just did not happen.
One of the first mistakes I made in this was to allow the couple to know I had a blog. I feel this may have hindered the getting to know each other phase. It was remarked to me, that the man of the couple felt he already knew me as a result of my writing. And unsurprisingly he had actually no idea who I was as a result. This blog isn’t about developing me as a person. It is sharing events and feelings that I feel are interesting. It is showing a perspective in dating that I feel is unique. It is not a diary. These are not my memoirs.
To counteract this mistake, perhaps if I had written full posts, instead of ideas here and there while dating this couple, things might have ended differently. I might have come to terms with my own desires earlier. I might have found a way to get something specific out of the sinking ship rather than just walking away. Instead I decided early on to just go day by day and try and make the most of things without putting too much effort. I allowed myself to experience rather than lead. I made a few requests at the beginning, they were all satisfied and then I stopped asking for things.
I then stopped picking a direction. This was my second mistake. I did not take advantage of any situations right in front of me. Instead I watched, waited, and just assumed that all parties were as invested as my partner and I. It turns out I was wrong. The story will come out, with more details and fun little intrigues along the way. For now though, the first foray that I had dating a couple with my amazing partner is in its conclusion. We experienced so much in just a few short months. The posts will not be about amazing sexual escapades, and orgies, rather the experiences and troubleshooting that comes about when two people are brought into your inner circle. But for now, I am feeling a little empty, solidified by the fact that when I ended things with the man, we are left with absolutely nothing to talk or text about. We barely got to know each other. And it is a mistake I will not let get so far in the future.