When I began my blogging and personal journey about exploring non monogamy I wrote a post about some of my underlying fears . I was in a place of passive relationship status rather than an active one. I had a genuine fear of uncomfortable or without warning, meeting women that E had slept with. It actually would keep me up some nights, going over in my head how I would react in countless situations. Drama filled scenes plagued my dreams. Stress, apprehension and the like or even an occasional cat fight would play out in both my sleeping and waking imagination.
And funnily enough, I have not had this thought cross my mind in what feels like years. My relationship has shifted from passive to active control. I have a direction and am steering my life the way I feel suits me best. I am no longer just a watcher, experiencing things through E with curiosity and naïve or plain false concepts in my mind. Instead, I am confident and have put certain notions behind me. This nightmare is one of the most vivid examples I can think of.
People talk about jealousy and how to overcome it. That is a massive concept that takes years, and one that my side projects involve dealing with. For the day to day, being able to come across experiences in my own writing and realize I have evolved past them is such an incredible high. The fear was real, and it was sound. However it was based in a place of insecurity and lack of trust in my partner and my relationship. Our foundation was not strong enough at the time for us to tackle my fear together. I guess that is one of the downsides to having a first time open experience with a partner who had explored it previously. I took much longer to come around to critical thinking, and ultimately learn to embrace with strong self esteem, issues like this.
Fear is based on surviving. And I feel that perhaps I was in survival mode when E and I first started dating. I was in a place whereby every aspect of my life was changing and it felt great and overwhelming all at the same time. I literally threw all the balls of my life in the air over a period of about 2 and a half years and then systematically picked up each one and put it where I wanted. And I threw out all the ones that were not to my liking, just like this insecurity that kept nagging at me. One day, it was just gone. My fear, overcome.