Once upon a time, I would talk openly about my sex life, wants and desires with my male friends. I would have a few beers and shoot the shit with my boys. I would talk sex, and sex appeal like it was nothing. Guys would discuss sexual frustrations and conquests in my company and I would join, make fun or commiserate with them. It was normal, natural and comfortable for me, but that time seems like nothing but a fairy tale now. Why did this behaviour change? Because of my open relationship status.
I am no longer comfortable with the guys, and the only thing to have changed is that I am in an open relationship. I’ve struggled with the loss of my male friends as I have mentioned in previous posts, and the unfortunate thing is, I cannot get any of the friendships with these particular men back. The dynamic has shifted to one where, being monogamous with a man, gave me the right to talk about sex without my male companions taking things too far. I had earned the freedom to speak my mind, in part because I was unattainable. In an open relationship, I have lost that protection.
Now, I cannot get through guys heads, that I am still unattainable to my friends. I do not want to sleep with every man I see, and no my close male friends do not have a chance with me. But in the back of their minds, there is a chance that I will cave and thus they misinterpret shooting the shit, as they have a chance. It freaking sucks sometimes. I used to love the freedom of expression that I got hanging out with guys, my real guy friends. And I am not just one of those woman who was deluded into thinking that she was one of the guys, as I was. I have been the only chick who attended guys nights more times than I can count. And, I was usually welcomed by everyone there except my ex, though he warmed up to the idea after a while.
I have tried so many times over the past few years to make male friends. To state explicitly that we are only friends and to just treat me like one of the guys. But the second they find out I am in an open relationship, BAM, friendship is over, and the hunt begins. It gets exhausting for me to keep shooting guys down. I feel like a pompous ass writing that, but that’s the truth. I get hit on, all the freaking time, by guys who I would like to be able to trust and open up to. The way I used. The way they still do to me.
But now, I just don’t enjoy being part of guys night. Now, I feel like I have to be on guard. That I have to watch what I say, because the last few times I have been out with the boys, it has ended in disaster. One instance a guy started putting E down, by telling me that I could do so much better, and would if I was free of him, and E was in the same freaking room. A tactic that actually almost ended two friendships instead of just the one. And more recently, I started getting racy facebook messages from a guy that I am clearly not interested in, and have not made even the slightest hint that I am. But, he reads my blog, and feels that he has every right to start flirting with me. Is he thinking that I write it for him? Or just not thinking long term at all because he enjoys the pictures? I have no clue, other than that I have tried to shut that down a few times, but to no avail. So the takeaway seems to be that because I am open, I have a target on my back. I am free for the picking. That I don’t actually need friends, or good conversation, or even just a fun night of beer and shenanigans like I used to. No, instead, you would rather try taking that less than 1% shot that you have a chance with me, and ensure that you don’t have a cool, fun chick that you can just hang out with.
And seriously guys, you fucked up on this one. You’re immature and thinking with your dicks! And what’s more, my stories are much more interesting now.
My girlfriend went through the same crap. She typically gets along with the guys better than other women, but they constantly pushed until she gave up on going out for 'guys' night'.
Those outings were good for her and it's upsetting that so few people of my gender can handle (what seems like to me) such a simple social construct.
Whoops. Didn't mean to post anonymously; that always feels just a tad creepy to me.
It is so true. I wonder if guys have ever felt that they were being smothered by women if they embarked on a girl's night?
I am slowly building up my male group of friends again, but it is tough. I hope your gf is able to start doing the same too. Sometimes you just need a good night out without any sexual tension.
Smothered no just need sometime to relax around you and then be themselves.
There will be sexual tension with the waitress , the cute girl across the pub etc
Its about living life and being content enough to just be.
Find guys like that and hanging out during guys night will happen again
Wow, powerful article and one hell of a roller coaster ride for you.
Unfortunately I have seen this behaviour myself displayed so openly in others and in myself.
I hated it ,seeing it in myself and weeded it out. Every once in awhile that urge comes and I am aware of it and take it as a warning sign.
Like a fever is a sign of an infection I find this thought process as a sign that all is not well with myself.
I pause and ask why am I being so needy. Now it wasn’t til lately that I could put the word needy to this behaviour.
One of the sex positive books that I have found talks about neediness and how dealing with it is important for yourself and those in your life.
I take ownership for my past behaviour but guys seriously if it feels wrong inside then listen to yourself change, and grow.
It is a rare thing to find someone willing to take ownership and strive to do better. That is pretty much how my blog started, and that really hits home for me.
What book are you referencing?
Mark Manson’s book Models
I don’t know anything about the author which is unusual for me. When I was searching for sex positive books this one came up.
So far so good but I am allowing myself a health level of skepticism.
His book seems like a healthy/mature rebuttal to the pickup artist genre.
He quotes brene brown in one chapter who’s work I also recently found and like.
Thank you for your blog and I hope you realize it can be a catalyst for others to grow.
I really enjoyed models. He has a new book coming out called the Everything is fucked, the art about hope, which is on my wish list!