So apparently claiming to be an “ethical non-monogamous person makes [me] full of shit”. This is a real statement received earlier this week, and it perfectly summarizes the many messages that I have read and heard over the years. The person further explained that we are “just looking for a loophole that will allow [us] to bang multiple people without being accountable”. The first part makes me angry, while the second part could not be farther from the truth. So, let me hash out my thoughts in a full post, and explain a few things about my lifestyle.
Firstly, I believe in ethical non-monogamy. And it took me a long time to understand it, practice it, and finally embrace it. My blog is a journey through this lifestyle and over the past few years, there had been a lot more adventure, and less questioning. I see real progression in myself and my point of view, wants and needs. With that being said, let me for a moment, put the word non-monogamy on the back burner and just focus on the word ethical.
My entire life, the one key factor to my being is the want and desire to be regarded as ethical. I strive to be level headed and to do what’s right, kind, and compassionate to my fellow man, and to myself. Growing up I was told often that I should become a judge. I never use the term ethical lightly. It is an important and very core part of who I am. My most memorable challenges throughout my life have occurred when I was questioned as to the ethicacy of an action of mine. For the most part when this happens I walk away, and I search in myself for days/weeks/whatever it takes to ensure that I do not portray similar actions in future that would bring my ethics into question. Therefore, calling my ethics into question certainly rubs me the wrong way.
Now let me examine the second portion of this rash statement, of the finding loopholes and not being accountable. You know, I cannot entirely argue with the loophole part. Yes, to many it could be perceived as a loophole. For myself, and anyone who has read “Sex at Dawn”, I would challenge that it is more than a loophole, and more a natural part of who we are. With that being said, I don’t feel that loophole was used in a derogatory way, more so, as a word filled with jealousy. Yeah, I found a way to have my cake and eat it too, so what? No one is stopping you from doing the same. But with that in mind I do love that we have monogamy, and non-monogamy to choose from. It is your life, and you are free to live it, in whatever capacity that you and your partner choose. Variety in our sexual relationships allows for evolution, compassion, learning, and plain old fun times to be had.
Finally, let me address the last part of this persons statement, and that was the laughable not being accountable part. I have mentioned in a post years ago about safe sex, and how being open ensures that safety is of the utmost importance. Why? Because I am engaging in activity that not only will affect myself, but also my partner. We take safety, and cleanliness seriously. As our risks are more than just an occasional dirty toilet seat, we do not jeopardize ourselves or our partners. Simply put, I take excellent care of myself and try to take zero unnecessary chances. I will not fuck up both of us, and I ensure that I am accountable for all of my actions. Nothing foul proof of course, and I recognize that, but I try very hard to dot all the I’s and cross my T’s every single time.
So in summary, being ethical in non-monogamy is real. I do not see how it makes me full of shit. And the jealousy that this poor person felt is on them, not on me. This lifestyle could be regarded by some as a loophole, but if everyone is doing it, then it becomes a norm. A recent statistic came out that nearly 4% of all marriages in the USA are open. So I’m pretty sure that this qualifies my relationship norm as more than just a lifestyle cheat so to speak, to get some strange. The bottom line, do who and what makes you happy.