Today I cried. To be absolutely clear, I sobbed. I broke down, alone, isolated with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I screamed out, “why will I never be good enough?”. And I covered my face with a pillow as I just let everything I had out. It lasted perhaps 2 minutes. My dog rushed over the second my face was visible and he snuggled. He let me just cuddle and hold him for a few desperately needed moments. And I got up. I brewed some tea and I just existed for a moment. Then I sighed and recognized that my life is moving in a direction that I can control. And I have a partner, and I am not alone. But today, on the couch I felt like I was. I lost it.
My last few posts have had a clear direction, a voice, and a reason for being written. My confident personality has shone through and I have grown the K-Ghislaine brand into something I am incredibly proud of. I started this blog to help me come to terms with Open Relationships and to start questioning the societal norms of relationships that are around me. But this morning, I had troubles overcoming my shortcomings and focusing on the task at hand. Today I failed me, in a way that actually scared me. I wondered if I was making the correct choices, and if the business I am working on will succeed. I questioned if I should keep writing, and I questioned if I had the right people in my life, on my team and just generally with me. It was the briefest moment of rock bottom, but my lungs hurt from the sob and I felt so drained as a result, and of questioning that resolve that has kept me moving forward after the most recent of my life challenges this past December.
As I closed the door on the last toxic member of my family last year (or rather had the door slammed in my face) I found a relief or release as it were. I now count the blessings of that event. I am grateful that he cut me out, so I could be free from the toxic lifestyle that was consuming me and poisoning the rest of my life. Aside from this morning of course, I do control my actions. I don’t blame who I am on my parents or the hardships that are a part of my past. The doors are closed, and I have found peace of mind to excel in my life without any of their shortcomings impacting me.
I find myself in a period of transition again. Embarking on a journey that has high risks for my relationship and my financial security. But it is in these risks that I am finding my stride. I am discovering things about myself that were laying dormant. With each word I type, I feel better. Stronger and more focused to take on today’s task at hand. I blog because I love it. I absolutely adore the clarity I get from it, and the relief that it brings when I press publish. I am an artist and writing is my preferred medium. I forgive myself for losing control this morning. My body needed the release and my soul needed to write. With these two tasks completed it is time to conquer my next challenge and quiet that little voice that sometimes bubbles over, the voice that wonders why it cannot be just a little easier.
To lose control is not something I am proud of. But to err is human. And the most important thing for me, is to recognize why I lost control and learn from it. To listen to myself, and my inner voice when it calls out. There is a strength to be found in weakness, and today I got caught ignoring my needs.