Welcome back to Swingers Rules and Why I am an Outlier. And if you missed Part I and need a list of rules I am discussing, here is a handy little link.
In the swinger community not only is drama bad, but all emotions are frowned upon. If you develop any sort of feelings you must end things with that partner and move on. To me, this reads like immature men created a rule so that they could ensure their wives wouldn’t leave them. Or to hide behind this mantra and fake ignorance if they were ever caught having sex outside of a club setting. “I swear baby, she meant nothing, it was just sex”. I don’t buy it, and I hope no one in my community plays into this antiquated way of thinking either. Feelings are natural, and to end things because you cannot control or compartmentalize or simple enjoy them in the moments and beyond is close minded. It is a mentality of the swinger world I want nothing to do with.
Are swingers really still this close minded you may ask? Only 2 weeks ago I saw a person ask on a popular swingers forum about the protocol with this rule, because she was getting butterflies for a new play partner, and thinking about them outside of the club. The unanimous response from our swinging overlords was that the “feelings be immediately shut down. There are NO feelings allowed in swinging. If you have feelings then end things, move on to someone else. This is a place for the physical only. We are not whole human beings when it comes to play time. We are objects of pleasure and only pleasure.” Ok, so I started paraphrasing towards the end there, but it was based off of nearly 25 respondents. All shouting wildy that she was breaking a cardinal rule and needed to re-evaluate her wants and needs. This was supposed to be a safe place for sex, not a breeding ground for feelings or emotions. Yeah, see, this just will never be my bag baby. I am much more sexual and expressive with someone I get to know, than I ever could be with a stranger. I cannot just turn things off in order to turn things on. And I don’t feel alone here. Things are changing. Feelings aren’t bad and shouldn’t make me an outsider or a bad swinger. But in this pretentious world of rules, they do.
And the last bone of contention is the never make swingers out of friends rule. Obviously vanilla people (as the term goes) would most likely be uncomfortable with getting hit on by swingers with no warning. I get that. However, I have had success with making partners out of friends. And I believe that I surround myself with people who have an emotional IQ that would allow them to be flattered and politely reject my advances rather than blow the friendship up right there and then. Now I am not saying I have ever approached a vanilla couple with my partner, but the taboo exists. I think if we met the right couple I would have no issue with at least playing with the idea. Are we not all adults who can handle a little flirtation and fantasy now and then? Or is the goal to have strict division between all your social interactions? Boring! Make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends the forums shout, again and again and again.
I know I am outlier because I do not believe that rules of swingers have ethical non-monogamy at heart. They were created in a time and place where anonymity was more important than the consent and safety of its members. If the rules were made to keep people anonymous and safe, why then do so many feel like outsiders looking in. Or fear the public shaming and pain if they break any of these cardinal laws. The rules do not work for me or my lifestyle or even my core beliefs of how to interact with my current and potential partners. These rules currently in place need to be left behind. To become relics of the swinging past they were created for. They create boundaries and hinder the natural course of getting to know people and do nothing to promote the fun and safety that I seek. But I believe I am part of a growing number of couples, dissatisfied with the current standard and ready to breath new life into a community that has so much potential. Stay tuned for the Next Generation of Swingers…