Please note that this piece is satirical in nature, created in direct response to a repulsive list making it’s way around the interweb with the intent of giving men a list of rules to find the perfect wife.
In the beginning women were worshiped and revered for being the true Goddesses of society and their families. Men were in awe of our sacred and mystical abilities which included the ability to bear children. We kept the secret behind our fertility and reproductive requirements within out gender for generations. Men were oblivious to the fact that women had the power to choose a mate, while at the same time, choose a physical partner with which to create new life. It was our prerogative and right to use men in the manor that suited our companionship needs, our pleasure, and kept us in power for quite some time. And then men got jealous. They started asking questions, and getting too wise to the fact that they were bigger and stronger so perhaps they should be the revered sex. And so one day, one man made the correlation between bedding a woman and a baby appearing 9 months later and suddenly the mysticism behind our great power was gone.
So we relinquished our power, and moved into the background of the historical records. We began to understand that power can always be taken away and can never be an absolute. So, we evolved our thinking and evolved to start working towards equality instead. To finding a way to be valuable to society, without overstepping the male leadership, which they were enjoying far too much. To suit this ultimate goal and allow us time to formulate a real plan, we created busy work for the men. Encouraged them to go to war, start industry and develop new technologies. All were done with the sole purpose of giving us some breathing space so we could sort out the wants and need necessary to co -exist with equality among the sexes. And ultimately unify our gender’s, work together and not against.
But in order to do this effectively we needed to come up with ways to ensure our offspring were of the best possible breading. We needed to regain the power of our procreation first and foremost allowing us the ability to choose that most perfect mate. As the sugar and spice of humanity we created a list to help us become more picky and choosy in selecting these husbands and partners. As any woman knows, the toll that bearing children takes on our bodies alone is enough to warrant this very important checklist.
- First, a man’s height is very important, but if that is lacking he better make up for it with strength. A man must be able to sweep you off your feet, both literally and figuratively. The first true test of his procreative prowess will be in carrying you across the threshold on your wedding night. He shall not gasp, pant or struggle as he picks you up. Anything less than majestic beauty as he lifts you up, walks forward and gingerly places you on the bed it unacceptable.
- Next the eyes. When you look into a man’s eyes you must see right back into your soul, with a hint of mystery. You want eyes that you can stare into for hours during the most loving and tender moments. But stay clear of a man whose eye has no sparkle or shine. These are the men with much to hide, and are too focused on themselves, for it will bring much hardship to your offspring.
- Now look at his ears and the nose. If they are already large early in life, remember that the ancient Chinese believed that big ears and noses were a sign of wisdom and luck. He needs both to ensure the future of our species. But remember, only one of the spouses requires the luck gene, so if you’re the one with the larger orifices, choose someone a little under proportioned.
- And here we rapidly shift to his physical manhood, the penis. His dick should never frighten you, be it with python like size, girth or with a hairy untamed mess. His penis should respect that you are the boss, and not it. And should react with erect confidence whenever you approach. If this happens, feel free to reward it with kisses and licks, encouraging continuation of good behaviour and pleasing appearance.
- When it comes to the act of sexual intercourse. The perfect mate will never allow himself to orgasm before ensuring that you, his wife or partner are completely satisfied. He will please you whenever you wish him to, and will always show up for sex clean, able and without socks. If any of these are missing, you simply say no, and go and grab your favorite toy as there is no need for you to be punished for his bad behaviour. And when he has proven his worthiness, you may of course choose to procreate as is your Goddess like right! The ultimate praise for a job very well done!
- And just one more thing to keep in mind, this man must be a perfect blend of tenderness and manliness. For example if your man cannot take down a wild animal with his bare hands for dinner and then present it to with wine and candles, then, you must send him packing before making a baby. How else can you ensure that you, and your offspring will survive the zombie apocalypse, I mean the coming of equality, if he cannot even take down a bear by brute force alone and then rub your tired feet at the end of the day? This is the ultimate showing of bravery, and love. A true man, fit to procreate with you.