If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me question if writing this post was even worth it, because I felt incredibly dissolution and let down after my New Years Eve swing club adventure. Now that I have a bit of clarity and less emotion, I believe this post needs to be written and a few of my views openly discussed for the good of our non-monogamous/swinging community. And if you’re outside of the lifestyle looking in, let this be an eye opener, that consent is mandatory and anything less will not be tolerated. So let me begin my tale.
My partner and I have attended the same New Years Eve Swingers party for 3 years in a row in sunny California (our Christmas vacation destination). We are familiar with the venue, the rules and in general the vibe. We specifically seek out this particular club because it has the largest crowd of people, which boosts our chances significantly of finding like minded couples, great conversation and the hope of sexy times. This New Years Eve however, was different. Firstly, when we walked into the club, they were turning away a single guy at the door. As luck would have it, this New Years Eve coincides with the usual single male welcome night. While unfortunate for the guy not checking the website first, I was not too concerned being that our first time at this club single men were allowed and we didn’t have much of a problem. To protect couples and keep active membership, there is a couples only play area that single men are never allowed into. It even has security guarding it, or has every time we have gone previously.
For whatever reason, this New Years Eve the club was quieter. I would say maybe there were 150 couples, whereas in years past there have been upwards 270 couples. This actually had its very sexy benefits for us, because after midnight, we didn’t have to wait in line for the sex swing in the couples play area. I could go on and on about how much I love that thing, the open corner its in, how hot I feel in it, etc. However, I could not enjoy my time in the swing for long because within a few minutes we had a lonely male start to lurk completely unaccompanied by any female. After my partner asked him to move on, we both decided that we would be much better off doing some exhibitionist exploration as the venue was so empty. So, after a few quick sexy strokes in the hallway, we made our way to an upstairs balcony with a mattress and railings and the sexy sounds of a few couples playing. There are 4 mattresses on various levels that overlook a mirrored hallway, with a white railing for the safety of the upstairs couples. It’s a very hot little area, with couples on each bed and little cubbies below us, that you can see from the mirror. The visual cues are beyond hot, really the stuff that has kept us coming back. It’s an absolute playground for sexy times!
So here we found ourselves, getting hot and heavy with my partner overlooking the hallway of the couples only area with not a care in the world until we saw him. A fully clothed single male who had wandered down the unmonitored hallway, alone. And he wanted to watch our show. My partner told him no and to move on. I tried to get into the groove and switched from a passive on my back to a more in control doggy style, and knew that a big O was getting incredibly close. The guy got closer and I glared at him, and turned my face. He did not get the clear memo of no from my partner, and did not take the hint of my very angry face. And as luck would have it I lost control, and reached for the railing as I started to cum. And that stupid, single male, reached up and grabbed my hand as I was orgasming. A fucking stranger, with no consent, grabbed my hand in my most intimate of moments. I slapped his hand, but honestly, I was so consumed with pleasure and now the tinge of anger it was difficult to really process anything. I felt a little uneasy, but thankfully also so safe with my partner that I was able to enjoy the rest of the night including another trip to the swing.
But in the morning, I felt violated. I felt gross, and hurt that this guy was allowed back in a couples only area and was able to grab me and get away with it. No, did not matter to him, body language meaningless and consent didn’t cross his mind. When I reached out to the club a few days later, they were less than helpful. They seemed more focused on me making a false claim that singles were allowed than the fact that there was no security around and that I felt uncomfortable. They advised me that I should have stopped what I was doing, and immediately gone to their office to report the guy. Are you freaking kidding me? I was in no condition to stop mid orgasm to go and tattle on this guy. And further more, why was a guy allowed in the club who was not aware of the rules of consent? Or the rules of being part of the lifestyle? Or basic human decency that you don’t touch another person without permission EVER?
I’ve written multiple times on why I don’t think the majority of single men should be allowed into clubs, and incidents like this only confirm my belief. This isn’t an unwarranted stereotype or stigma. Men, when alone in clubs are usually stupid and make poor decisions. They think with the wrong head.
Now I want to say a few words to the men in the lifestyle who are single, respectful and follow the rules. I appreciate that there are a few gems in the swinging community. And I wish that there were more of you because I love cock. But I need to ask a serious question. What are you doing to improve things for your acceptance in the community? Do you tell your male friends about the work it takes to get into the lifestyle? The hours upon hours of communication, self confidence building, and research to understand the rules and the core value of consent? Are you a proactive member of the community who would educate someone, tell even a friend that he was out of line or if necessary call someone out who crossed a line? Do you sit on the sidelines, keeping to yourself, staying out of trouble or are you active and proactive?
I ask these questions because I want to know the motivations for being single in the lifestyle. I want to know what drives you, because then we can work towards finding a great and sex positive way to include you. It’s obvious that the current standard isn’t working for single men, or for couples. Men are not satisfied being excluded and couples are beyond frustrated with situations like I described happening or much worse. We are not playing together in a positive way. I almost feel like when men are finally allowed into a club, they figure that they have to try everything because they may not get the chance to be in there again. That thinking scares me. That mentality makes things unsafe and is part of the reason I wrote the post about not just trying the lifestyle for curiosity. Men, if you want to be accepted, learn the rules and preach the rules. Do not brag to your buddies about the hot live show you watched without mentioning just how many hoops it takes to actually get there. Contribute positively. It is not enough to just be one of the good guys. You have a responsibility to do more, to be more, because quite frankly this experience was a deal breaker for me in ever going back to this particular club and they are one of the few that allow single. Correlation or causation at this point make little difference to me. The club was quiet, there was no security and members we’re not complying with the rules. This is unacceptable. We can all work to do better.
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