In my last post, I discussed the idea of re-branding the outdated term of swinging, or as @HunterGash suggested, adding a new term that better defines his relationship norm and would probably better identify a large group within the lifestyle. While I personally don’t agree that adding new labels is beneficial in the long term, there was one group that I may actually feel could benefit from a different term, and that is the single lifestyle men. I know, this may come as quite a shock to many of my readers, especially if you have read a few of my angry rant posts regarding singles in the lifestyle. But I have given this a lot of thought, and ultimately, I don’t think single men should use the term swingers.
Single men have a lot of hurdles to overcome being a part of the lifestyle. More in fact than any other group, and the reason is, there is too large of a supply for the actual demand. As a result, single men are very visible and any bad behaviour is seen, remembered and preventative measures are quickly put in place. It only takes one bad apple to get a bad reputation for the group, and as there are so many of them, it’s easy for things to get out of hand and therefor simpler to just ban them altogether. And I have to include myself, because it is much easier to just say single men shouldn’t swing rather than trying the tedious task of weeding out the bad apples or trying to educate them, especially in the heat of the moment.
But, after interacting with a bunch of really great single guys who are positive additions to the swinging community I realized that there has got to be a happy medium between letting them over saturate the community and banning them altogether. How then do single males become a positive asset within the term swingers? The best answer I could come up with, is they don’t. Hear me out…
I think the easiest thing for men to do at this point, is drop the word swinger altogether, and just start saying they are non-monogamous males or something along those lines. The word swinger is not working, it never really has, and men already have a bunch of terms to pick and choose from that work better anyways, without all the additional stigma of being a swinger added on. Let’s take a look at a few of the terms available, non-monogamous, single men (a little joke), bulls, bachelors, FWB etc.
To me, single men are not swingers by definition. Swinging is about partnership, relationships, team building, etc and these are things that single men are not. Now this is not supposed to be inflammatory or be interpreted as me not wanting to include singles in the lifestyle. When you’re flying solo, you’re not fully swinging and that’s OK! Let’s look at single women in the lifestyle, they are given the term unicorn, and I don’t think many people would even think to call them swingers. They are almost elevated above swingers, as an almost prized possession, whereas single men are below swingers (this is a stereotypical example for a reason and not my personal opinion). The thing is, singles are not equal to swingers. Swingers is plural and singles, well, you can do the math on that.
So in short, why as a single male would you set yourself up for double the stigma when you don’t have to? Why would you even want to use the term swinger? While many are trying to re-invent it, or rename it, you can just walk away from the label and just be non-monogamous, or bachelors, or even that you enjoy lifestyle parties. In the words of my old boss, Keep it simple stupid (again, a joke). Go for what works, and stop fighting what simply isn’t.
And if you want to test out my theory, try putting swinger on your dating profile and watch all your matches disappear. Then, switch to non-monogamous and while this switch will not open doors, it will keep them from being slammed in your face. And you are much more likely to get some real conversation going by people who are inquisitive or a little more open minded. Why is this? Stigma and taboo are real and very hard to overcome on paper. So why would you set yourself up for a polarizing hard no right off the bat? That’s just setting yourself up for failure or at the very least creating just one more difficult hurdle to overcome. So break free of the double stigma of being single male swingers and avoid all the added negativity of the bad apples who went before you. Play to your strengths, and don’t hold onto weaknesses.
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