Predators in Direct and Private Messages

Yesterday I tweeted this:

So this is pretty f’d up. Everytime I post something emotional or show I’m vulnerable or struggling my DM’s explode with sliders. Men…stop fucking doing this! Your dick doesn’t look more appealing to me when I’m crying! And it’s not an invitation to get off on my sadness! by K_ghislaine

And I am astounded by the response I received from it.  In fact, I have to say that this has been my most influential post to date, far exceeding the occasional cleavage or sexy picture.  And that tells me that this topic requires more discussion.  Especially after I received a message from a guy who was genuinely shocked I posted this, and asked what men are even allowed to do or say in this #metoo charged environment.  He honestly felt that no interaction was safe anymore and was feeling stifled by the recent changes in response from women.

Ok, let’s talk about this.  9 or so years ago, I was seduced by a private message.  And it was so hot!  Within a few hours of the initial message, this guy was on my doorstep for what was to become a very regular and incredible booty call buddy.  He opened with a sexy tease, I responded in kind, and the flirtation ramped up exceedingly quickly.  He was the first guy who randomly messaged me and was in my bed that day.  Totally success case, and an inspiration to men everywhere right?  But here’s the thing, that’s not the whole story.  There were a few key things that occurred prior to this message that ensured its success for the both of us.

First, we were already friends.  Yup, that whole friendzone thing is bullshit in my opinion and maybe I will touch on that in a future post.  For now though, we had established a bit of a rapport and some trust.  To be clear, we had never flirted previously, we were truly, just friends.  Second thing that happened, I posted online that I was lonely and looking to have a little fun.  Yes, that’s right, I playfully put my intentions out there, I opened the door to have someone on my friends list message me, and take the bait.  I gave consent and permission to be flirted with using my words.  I used more than just a sexy picture (are you seeing a pattern forming yet?).  And thirdly, he was a emotionally stable and mature man, who was playful and listened to all my boundaries without any push-back or manipulation.  It was a fully consensual pairing that turned into something incredibly hot and satisfying.  And looking back, this was actually more like a 1 in 100 success rate for me, perhaps even closer to 1 in 1000.

With that story in mind, let’s get back to my tweet that started this post.  I have been struggling as of late with where I want my future career to take me.  And it sometimes feels good to just vent a little, especially on twitter because I really appreciate all the people that I interact with, and their perspectives.  I feel better just putting some words out into the universe.  It helps focus me, and well, it’s why I blog.  So on Sunday, I did just that, I wrote a little tweet stating that I was having a rough time, and I was hopeful that Monday would be better.  And publicly, there was a lot of love.  But privately, some men showed their disturbing colours.  And it sucked having my vulnerability preyed on like that.  And I do not want to mince words here, what those two men specifically did was predatory.  Offering me a kind ear, getting me smiling and then rapidly ramping up their sexual intentions without any warning or any previous DM history.  And I, like so many women who responded to my tweet were outraged.  Doing that, is NOT OK.

And guess what?  We as past victims, are onto you.  We are onto you all!  Being empathetic or sympathetic does not give you the right to proceed with your ulterior motives.  That is not consent on our parts, and we are tired of feeling weak for showing our emotional vulnerabilities and getting sexually propositioned as a result.  If I want sexual interaction I will ask for it.  And crying is not asking for it by any insane stretch of the imagination.

That being said, let me get back to the guys concern that he no longer knows how to treat women. To that, I say good.  Stop what you’ve always done in the past, and listen to the women you approach.  Watch their body language, listen to their words and ask for feedback.  Do better as a whole.  If you have always had positive “hell yes I want to sleep with you” or “OMG I love when you touch me” then guess what, what you’re doing is most likely amazing.  But, if you have ever felt a lukewarm reception to your advances, or heard the word no, or even just uncertainty, it’s time to stop and check yourself.  And as I am completely honest, I will fully admit that when I was younger, I never asked permission to touch men or women.  I lived by the assumption that every person I touched would be flattered that a decent looking female was touching them.  But you know what?  I grew up.  I realized that I preferred a fully consensual yes you absolutely can touch me, to the initial shocked and often uncomfortable looks I would get in my early 20’s.  It’s hotter for me not having uncertainty in interaction.  I can be so much more intimate and intense that way.  And guess what?  You can too!

In summary, the jig is up.  We see what you’re doing and do not like it.  The guys who are successful have a backstory that you don’t see.  Approaching a person who is vulnerable with your ulterior motives needs to stop.  And if you’ve ever become turned on by helping someone, or having a girl cry on your shoulder, keep it to yourself.  Show self control and DO NOT try and act on it.  It is not the time, nor the place.  Instead, build up a friendship.  Get to know a wide variety of people in and out of your comfort zone.  Listen, read a book or a blog and get interesting.  Only predators go after people who are weak and vulnerable.  It’s time to break that cycle!

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4 thoughts on “Predators in Direct and Private Messages”

  1. I am a 59 year old male that recently had a rather disturbing event with what I assumed was a 20 year old woman. This started on a “dating” site and she wanted to move to phone texts. As soon as we do, she sends me a picture (that I did not request) of her face and tits. And at the same time, she said she was 16! She also asked if that bothered me. I told her she didn’t bother me, but someone finding out about us really bothered me! (She looked 25 at last) So, she sent me another revealing pic and kind of took over the conversation. I soon get a text from “her father” wanting to know what I’m doing with his daughter! I ignore it. I get another text from Dad saying that he is at the ABC city police station (the town where I live that has no police station!) and I had better show up right away before before he comes hunting me! Now I’m getting phone calls from some police department from a city in Kansas, where this girl actually said she was from, by a detective wanting to know my connection with miss so and so, blah blah blah! I was getting a little concerned! But, embarrassed and feeling like a complete jackass and a few other things, my wife was in the car with me! She watches nothing but detective and murder shows on TV. After a long, emotional, and very deserved ass chewing, she was sure this was a scam. She had seen one on TV where the man never discovered the scam and after spending lots of money on bribes and receiving many threats, he committed suicide. My wife wanted to check the phone number of the supposed detective from Kansas. It matched! I wanted to puke! So she called the Kansas police number!!! She talks to a detective who was not familiar with anything like what she was talking about, but would check with patrol when they all came in. No call until the next day. My wife went outside to talk to him because I didn’t want to hear it. Everything was good on the Kansas side so he said it had to be a scam. He said phone numbers mean nothing anymore, you can get a cal and they can put another number in. Plus our town not having a police department and “Dad” supposedly waiting there for me proves a scam too!. I understand that females are not treated well online, but it also works on the other side.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, this is definitely something that happens regardless of gender. Predators go after opportunity.

  2. Wow, the first comment is a derailer? That’s nearly a record! Scamming is irrelevant and not targeted nearly exclusively toward one gender.

    Unfortunately, it’s not just online. Men often wait for a woman to be vulnerable to “strike,” either because they hope the woman will make poor decisions or (perhaps more frequently) because they don’t want to miss out on their chance to pounce on women as soon as they become vulnerable (often a breakup).

    1. Absolutely correct! I have read a lot of stories from people talking about their real life experiences with predators. The simple truth is, just be a good person and respect those around you. Do not think because someone is showing emotions that their vulnerability is the opening you need!

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