The first few years of non-monogamy, I felt unsure. I had zero clue what I was doing, wanted, and therefor no voice. I made mistakes, and when I would try and write about them, it just came out fuzzy and convoluted. I wrote as a girl experiencing something new for the first time, but with a fragile and timid voice. Sitting here now, writing the “big” story for the first time, I realize, with complete humility, that I found my voice. The writing style has progressed and that scared and timid girl is no longer a part of me. It is so crazy looking back and seeing the complete change in identity and voice that I have found. It almost feels like I was searching for my strength and identity through my blog for so many years that I barely noticed when I switched from it being my safety net, to a real part of my identity. And this goes beyond my writing, because in the past few months, I have actively shared my opinions and views that I did not first test out in writing. And I was doing it without even realizing it. I have gained a voice beyond my blog, and it is as exhilarating as it is a little strange.
Why though does this matter? Why am I writing about finding my voice? Well, simply put, there has arisen an interesting reaction or rather, a radio silence. Some people in my life, are extremely off put by me having opinions. It was one thing for me to just write about my journey, and question the things going on around me. As it turns out, it is quite another for me to voice my opinions about societal changes, or my views on relationships. I’m accepted if I am just a wanderer questioning and exploring, but hot damn, coming to conclusions of my own is polarizing for my readers. It’s a pill that cannot easily be swallowed. And rather than just talking to me about things, asking questions or even engaging in a little discourse, it’s much easier to just run away or ignore me.
When did our society get so scared of conflict or a difference of opinions? If you don’t like a particular subject or opinion of someone, do you just block and ignore them altogether? Can we not reconcile a way to engage with a person who thinks a little differently than us? It seems we are so afraid of offending others that we are losing the ability to actually communicate. Yes, it is easier to just close a tab when you read something you don’t like, but guess what? There is nothing gained, or learned by just walking away. There is everything to learn by asking yourself why are you offended or uncomfortable. Is it due to your preconceptions, biases, or perhaps even a word just sets you off?
I don’t love the feeling of being scoffed or shamed, but it feels much worse, when I am ignored and cut out because I share an opinion. It’s not a very inspiring feeling. But, unfortunately that is a part of our social climate right now, that I have to come to terms with. If someone disagrees, the chances of me hearing about it are sitting at about 2 percent. Whereas when I began my blog over 7 years ago, I was sitting at about 20 percent of people who were willing to have a conversation with me or engage and share a different perspective. And as a writer it is little lonely having all this radio silence.
I move forward, knowing that I have earned my opinions, of which I know I have many. And when I share them, I am not looking for validation or even really like minded souls to engage with, but I do very much appreciate the brave souls who are willing to at the very least think about what I have said. But this is merely an assumption that I make based on the readership and clicks, because beyond that, I hear crickets on my end. Perhaps this is something that I will just have to mentally prepare myself for when my book comes out. I no longer believe that no news is good news, because as I am learning, no news often means that people just don’t have the capacity to disagree or engage. We are afraid of offending and it is paralyzing our ability to communicate.
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