The No Kissing Rule

The No Kissing Rule, and other ways people try to keep from catching the feels.

No matter who you are or what you try to do non-monogamy at some point, will push your comfort zone limits.  It is a guarantee.  Actually, the only certainty there really is.  And even though it is 100% going to happen, people create rules to prevent any sort of feeling from arising with those outside of their spouse in order to protect their own comfort.  While the rational human knows this is doomed to fail, it doesn’t stop people from trying.  My favorite one of these such rules is the no kissing one, it is extremely common, and in my opinion an effort in futility.

Let’s take a step back here though and start from the beginning.  Non-monogamy is a way for people to share intimacies with people other than their partners, or if solo, with more than one person.  There are a plethora of ways to show intimacy, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, and pretty much everything in between.  And people choose to break free from monogamy for a variety of reasons, including sexless relationships, dead bedroom situations, variety, adding spice, or just a basic urge to enjoy the bodies or explore relationships with more than one person “till death do you part”. And at this point I feel it’s important to state that this blog is a judgement free zone for the most part.  Every flavor and style are welcome here.  I love variety and certainly hold the stance that love should be free, and should be something that works for you, whatever label suits you, or in my case, breaking free of labels and just living authentically for my own happiness.

However, this whole, no kissing rule pushes my understanding of freedom of expression.  Why in the world would you allow your partner to express themselves with their genitals, but restrict the touching of their lips?  What makes lips so sacred?  My hunch, is that there is a huge amount of intimacy surrounding the kiss, and couples restrict that contact to limit catching the feels.  They are OK with objectifying the act of sex, and less OK with the existence of intimacy.  Orgasms and adrenaline, hell ya!  Feels and intimacy, fuck no!  

NoMoreWetSpot.com

And the hard truth of the matter, from my perspective, is that they reduce sex to a physical act, and turn an orgasm into a regular bodily function, which is absolutely not my thing.  I don’t ever want sex to be just another motion.  I want it to be whatever it can, with flexibility and surprise and intrigue.  Not to be relegated to restrictions on what body parts can touch.  For example, have you ever heard of an mfm where the rule is the guys can never touch?  Haha!  Yeah, good luck with that.  It is damn near impossible not to at the very least have accidental grazing.  And when that happens, it does not mean you have to turn in your straight card.  Just as with kissing, it does not mean that you are instantly going to fall in love with another person… but it might…

The point is, I try to live my life restriction free.  And while I am not always very good at it, I am trying.  Point of fact, every single time I have placed a restriction on my partner it has blown up in my face and vice-versa. So knowing my own shortcomings with restrictions, I find it very difficult to understand couples who allow sex to occur with others, but draw a hard line at kissing. The whole “I trust you with my body, but not my lips”? Or more often than not, one partner can adjust or accept someone having sex with their partner, but seeing or thinking about the intimacy of a kiss would send them into a spiral of jealousy. And I cannot help but boil that down to desensitizing sex to the level of porn. Something viewed, and not experienced for it’s entirety.

So now that I have probably pissed off a whole bunch of kissing free swingers, I should probably just stop here. I question things I don’t understand, and if you would like to share with me how this works for you, or where I have missed the point, please know I am absolutely willing to listen.

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4 thoughts on “The No Kissing Rule”

  1. We had a no kissing for the first couple of years. Then it was hit girl / girl kissing. Then little things crept in on the dance floor of clubs. Then our first trip to Desire that rule quickly was put to the test & thrown out the window. We both did it and realIzed it wasn’t a big deal (to us) and actually got us really turned on seeing it.

    1. I love reading about evolution’s in relationships. Do you remember why it was initially a no kissing type of relationship?

  2. “just living authentically for my own happiness” Perfect

    You have definitely broken it down to the essense of nonmonogamy and stripped away the problems that get in the way.

    No kissing rule does break it down to simple sex act more mechanical then emotional.
    Fun for the moment but not fulfilling or authentic.

    A certain level of self development and in turn be in a certain place in your relationship in order for nonmonogamy to truely be freeing and amazing.

    If one has not put in the work in one’s self and in one’s relationship then nonmonogamy will be reduced to a simple physical act.

    But I am new to this and simply my impressions.

    Here is a long list of links that I stumbled upon. I don’t know anything about the source or the quality of the links but want to share so others can explore.

    http://www.criticalpolyamorist.com/links-crit-nonmonogamy.html

    1. I have quite a list to go through now… thank you!

      I think there are many out there who are OK with just a physical act, but I am not one of those people and I want to avoid people who would think that about my body. I want to be more than just a pleasure vessel for someone else.

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