I really want to start talking about being bi-curious and non-monogamous a bit more, but I am struggling to do so. Why is that? Two-fold. I am not prepared for the creepy backlash, and I am terrified of kissing a girl and not liking it. What if the fantasy doesn’t meet up to the expectation? Then what? Am I now one of those women who became a cock tease (or the equivalent non gender specific)? And what if I do like it? Am I suddenly expected to hook every partner up with threesomes? Is my intimacy now on public display? It is overwhelming all the cons, and basically, it is because of how men have conditioned me. And I take full responsibility for that, I am an adult after all. But any sort of female exploration has always come with “can I watch?” “Can you bring her home” “this can be our treat” or any other exploitative things I have heard over my many sexual years. Why the fuck would my exploration have to include anyone else? And further, why do men constantly ask the most invasive questions? Do they not know how it makes us feel, how it makes me feel? How it destroys us, little by little?
No, they don’t. Because we don’t tell them. And if by the off chance we have had enough, and do, then we are bitches and worse. Men and women struggle to communicate because men push too hard, and women fold too often. But I digress, with all the cons, there is a real struggle, in that, I don’t know if I am ready to go on a date with a woman. What can I offer her? My confusion? My trepidation? My insecurities? I know first hand that that is not attractive! And it does not lend well to small talk, necessary to going out on that first date. Women are bolder online than they are in person (huge generalization but based on personal experience). A female will ask straight up, what are your intentions online. And I balk at my answer, of, I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but I also want to get out there and see.
Will writing this post get me out there? I have no clue. Has it helped me solidify what I want? Not even close. This was simply putting out into the universe that I am currently confused. I am searching for something, but don’t quite know what that is. I love the idea of dating couples with my partner, but the reality is that is lacking right now. So, do I venture out there, alone? I ponder this, as I slowly sip my beer and write more erotica than ever before…
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