Poetry, in Angst

Unfiltered and unkempt, I struggle to keep my mind clear enough to focus.  The swirling of emotions in the wake of a reality I tried with futility to keep at bay.  To lose hope, is one thing.  To have it ripped from your very being, unprompted is hardly the end I was seeking.  I have lived one day at a time for longer than I thought was possible.  In part, my carrot was hope.  Hope that you were doing the same.  That maybe, just maybe, what you said to me in drunken anger was a mistake.  That perhaps you misspoke and there was a chance.  Even if fleeting, a glimmer of something provides more sustenance than the reality of hopeless nothingness.

Why, I ask myself, have I put so much time and effort into you.  Into us?  Into, the family that I foolishly tricked into believing could be mine?  Was this all some inane hope fueled dream, now turned nightmare?

Where to turn?  What to do?  What to say?  What to believe?

Where will I find my new hope?  Where will my new energy flow from?  I am not strong enough to create my own.  I am too weak, too drained, and far too tired.

But then, admitting I am a woman, facing a new fate without hope spurs just the amount of motivation I need to plod ahead.  I will survive.  I will find a new hope, and I would wager when I least expect it, as will all things fate related.  Sigh, someday, I hope to find that unconditional love, that people talk about.  

Thank you to all for the love and support. I have never published one of my poems before, but I think putting this one into the void will be cathartic. And you can always support my work via Patreon.

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