A Little Update…

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting.  When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief.  I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem.  It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part. 

First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start creating new things like a person possessed.  Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely outside of my control happened, depression.  My house became plagued with this treacherous beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.

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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s.  When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did.  What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week.  Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless.  The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!). 

Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me.  Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived.  And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was.  It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning.  I feel like I am waking up. 

Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose.  I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be.  And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions.  Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point!  Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.

So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom!  And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!

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