Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…
I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.
I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.
I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.
There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!
I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.
If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!
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Thank you for speaking out. It’s time for all of us to do this. I am trying to do so while still maintaining the level of discretion I must because my swinger lifestyle could put my job in jeopardy. I’ve spent the last 7 months staying home, unable to travel to be with my partner, and unable to engage with any lifestyle-friendly folks in my area. And it’s not because things aren’t happening!
I live in Florida. For some godforsaken reason our governor has allowed the state to open up almost completely. Yet even before the state was fully open, I was getting notices about lifestyle events. Venues had cancelled things for a couple of months, but then they were back on again. I expected that wouldn’t last because, of course, those who engage in responsible, safe, and consensual swinging and do what we must to avoid STIs would certainly not take the risk of spreading this potentially deadly disease. Ha! Was I wrong!
On the up side, I was pleased to receive messages or responses to my messages from all of my regular playmates telling me that they were still isolating and looking forward to the day when it would be safe to get together again. Maybe that’s because we are seniors and we know that we are at a much higher risk. But even so, the reckless behavior of others means our extended inability to socialize will last even longer.
C’mon people – I want to get back into things just as badly as you do. But just like I won’t risk my sexual health, I won’t risk my overall health and that of my family and friends just to have some recreational sex.
Can I give up swinging – probably, though I would rather not. But I refuse to give up my ten-year long-distance relationship. And for the last seven months and for the foreseeable future our only contact is virtual. We are craving the ability to be together in person again, but we cannot do so until things improve. The selfish acts of others – both in and out of the lifestyle community are driving me mad!
So – again – thanks for speaking out. Some of us share your frustration, and we are paying attention to who is staying safe and who is putting us at risk. Our return to the lifestyle, if it happens, is likely to mean different venues, different activities, and definitely a smaller group of people.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It means the world to me to know that there are so many incredible, and responsible people in this community. Just a shame some of the bad apples keep rising to the top.
Here’s to hoping we can once again have fun!
All of this, yes. I will be sharing this with two WhatsApp chat groups.
One had a “social” last week. One of the guests works in a school.where 2 teachers have tested positive. Did she tell the party goers? Did she hell! Only me on a separate chat afterwards. And they are having another one this weekend. Another group of friends is arranging a kink soiree.
Why can’t they just wait?!
I have seen a couple of people aside from my bubble, but they are also keeping very separate otherwise and we made meticulous plans. Not some strangers from up country somewhere.
That is horrific. It pains me to read something like that, but, I know it is important to talk about it.
A little pause isn’t going to hurt anyone. But not waiting? I would never get over the guilt of putting someone else in danger because I needed to get my rocks off.