The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.
So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.
In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.
The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love. Ok, now I’m crying.
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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.
I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.
Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!
It saddens me how people who knew you back then can just shatter you in just one drop because in their eyes “you’re not enough”. I’ve shut my mother out of my life because of how she not only treated me, but she treated my late stepsister cruelly because she found out she was a lesbian. My mom (I found out by her then girlfriend) locked her oit and wouldn’t let her in nor would allow her to get her insulin because of who she dated. Never did I hate another human being the way I hated my mom at that instance.
My point is family membership based on being “blood” should not hold sway on us. They will disappoint, yes, but when they dismantle and downgrade your humanity it is time to cut them off, find the people who lift you up and give you support, build each other up in love, and gain strength from them.
You are not “less than” but “more than “: more than a blessing to others, more than just a friend, more than just a supportive ear,etc. The sad thing is your step dad will never know or appreciate the kind of person you’ve become or to feel the warmth you give to others with the lofe you’ve been given.
In short, you’re not alone.