Category: Blogging

Just Be Nice!

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Just be nice!

If you read my post about the nice guy, you will get a glimpse into why I run very far away from any guy who claims to be one of the nice ones.  So if guys who claim to be nice, really aren’t, why is it that I constantly see people give the advice that it is better to just be nice?  The honest truth is the day I broke away from striving to just being a nice person, my life started to improve.  Why?  Because nice is boring.  Nice, is plain, and is just not an authentic state of being.  Nice, is façade.

By not being nice, I have maintained my position of having clear, calm, and level headed responses in my day to day life.  I am not striving to just placate the masses, instead I am living my authentic self.  Kill the world with kindness we shout from the rafters… Well no!  I don’t want to kill anyone.  I don’t want to live striving to rise up to an impossible ideal.  Who do you know in history who is remembered for just being nice?  And no, that statement is not made because I am trying to become famous.  We shouldn’t live trying to all make a mark on the world, but it should give you pause, what are we hoping to achieve as a society by being nice?

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I don’t want anything to do with a nice guy, and in turn, I don’t want to just be a nice person myself.  I am comfortable being assertive, driven, and someone with goals and aspirations.  I know, I will not crush anyone to get what I want, but I also won’t sacrifice my desires just to please someone else.  I, have had many relationships whereby I tried to just please the other person, especially work relationships.  Always trying to be the do-gooder, striving to get ahead by always being the person that could be counted on, sacrificing my own time, mental health, and energy for someone eles’ dream or business.  You know where that left me?  Drained, isolated, and oddly guilty. 

Saying no, should not affect how people perceive you.  It should not make you bitch, or an asshole.  And yet, we constantly tell people that they should be nice.  Just play along, don’t make a fuss, or go with the flow.  Well, quite frankly that is bullshit.  And in non-monogamy, some of my worst moments are from me just being nice and letting things happen. 

So, after ranting for a few paragraphs, let me get to the crux of this.  I am supremely nervous, talking to women, and showing my assertive nature.  I will not play nice, or pretend to be all sweet, and kind, just to get a female to talk to me.  I won’t say what they want to hear, nor will I just placate them.  With all that being said, I will be my funny, engaging, and optimistic self.  I am good natured, easy going, and I like being around me, so there is that… haha!  And yes, I will share with you all how this works out for me.  I am fairly confident though, that I will not meet anyone of quality and substance by taking the cliché advice of just being nice.  

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Reader Feedback: Sex Positive, Breaking Away, Fantasies, and More

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Reader Feedback Time: Sex Positive

Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help.  Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers.  So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.

Breaking Away From Monogamy

Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity.  But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway.  In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community.  So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore?  What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about? 

Fantasy Writing

Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies.  So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these?  A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more.  Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them.  I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter.  If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it.  There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself.  And making these posts public, would mean I have to.   So what are your thoughts?  How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts?  Please write in the comments.

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Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching

Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website.  I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy.  While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate.  So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com.  I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do.  I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource.  So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.

Sex Positive Books and Blogs

Fourth and final thought.  Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs.  The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive.  I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place.  This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active.  So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.

Contact Me or Comment Below

So, that about summarizes my questions for you.  I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content!  If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me.  The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.

Cheers!

Krys

Building a Sex Positive Brand

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Building a Brand, while marching to my own drum!

What You’re Not Supposed to Talk About: The Lows

On July 30th I will be celebrating 8 years of blogging and as I have written a few times, I have certainly learned a lot and grown into the Sex positive soul that I am today.  But there is one key point that we, as content creators are not allowed to talk about, and that is the low’s of building a brand.  And that is just what my writing has become.  It has evolved past my own words, and into an identity all of it’s own.  It is a blog, a website, a coaching business, a podcast, and a place that has grown far beyond what I ever could have imagined at its conception.  And the reality is that it was incredibly hard, and I have shed countless tears over it.  And yeah, here I go again tackling another taboo subject, building a brand and what you’re not supposed to talk about, it sucks and is hard.

Social Media Skews Reality

For whatever reason our society has decided that social media is a place where you can freely share all the joys, highs, and amazing points in your life.  By extension, the same is true of starting your own business or brand.  We want to build this illusion that we are successful right from the onset.  Fake it till you make it is the rally cry we here.  If you want to get funding, support, accolades, or any sort of exposure you need to be unique, successful, and solve people’s pain in a way no one else can.  And yes, these factors definitely play into building a brand and are important for growth and success.  But, this is only a very teeny tiny fraction of the truth behind any creation, company, product, or in this case a brand.  The truth is, it is 99% percent blood, sweat, and so many tears in the beginning, and very few ever find success from all that hardship, and yet, we keep up with this smoke and mirror anyways because we cannot let go of our dream, or our what if.

But you see, I am not supposed to talk about this.  By sharing with you that blogging about my first open relationship, all the trials and errors of non-monogamy, and all the hardships I have faced by publicly sharing nude photos will give you doubt about my abilities as a writer.  It will make you question why you follow me, interact with me, or share my work.  If I go out, into the world showing the entire picture, I will be showing the truth behind the magic.  And then, what am I?  Just another hack, pushing and prodding, waiting for my next big break.

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The Creators Myth

I am supposed to tell you that I blog for fun.  It’s my hobby and if I ever make it great, but if I don’t that’s fine too. I love what I do.  And I will be completely honest with you, this statement is true.  I adore what I do.  And I am the entire embodiment of this brand I have built.  It has been worth almost every second I have put into it, and it is my passion.  That my friends though, is not the entire story.  The passion is the fuel that allows me to write a little more every day, and create engaging content, or photos.  But, you cannot feed yourself on passion alone, actually you cannot feed yourself at all.  And that my dear friends, is what we are not supposed to talk about.

I have a very dear friend who has created an incredible product, and has received awards, accolades, and international exposure for his invention.  People are constantly telling him that they love what he does, he is on the cutting edge of something big, and that they will support him any way that they can.  So he tells them that he needs funding to build the next prototype.  Guess what happens when the investors hear this…?  You guessed it, crickets!  Now again, I am not supposed to share this, and he is not supposed to share this pain.  Instead, we are all supposed to keep fighting the good fighting, wishing and praying that one day our ship will come in. Hard work always pays off we tell ourselves.  And yes, someday it will.  However, when you are in the thick of things, treading water, desperately hungry, and trying to fuel yourself with dreams, it gets…. disheartening.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Are you going to see a huge Go Fund Me link at this end of the post because I have guilted you into paying for the content that I offer?  Nope, that would feel weird, coercive, and honestly challenge my whole identity and belief of free flowing information.  While there will always be an affiliate link and a Patreon offer with each post, your interaction with those offers will not change the content I love producing.  This post is more directed at the other content creators, inventors, entrepreneurs, etc.  I want you to know I hear you pain, I feel the loneliness of hearing nothing but crickets post after post, and I acknowledge you wanting to throw in the towel and say screw it this isn’t worth all the shit, and abuse we get online daily.  We aren’t supposed to talk about the pain of building a brand, so I say screw it, let’s talk about it! 

Sharing is Caring!

I want to hear your stories, so please write a post and link it in the comments, or link it to my twitter feed (with a note it’s OK to share) and I will add it to this post!   It’s OK to talk about the bad.  It’s human, and we need to feel safe to do more of it!

Breaking Free From Gaslighting

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Gaslighting

First off, I am a survivor and not a victim.  I say that out loud to myself from time to time, because I find it helps me regain my power and control over the situation that I found myself in a few years ago (sorry I cannot give a specific timeline due to circumstance outside of my control).  Why did it take me so long to come out and write about it?  Because, it was difficult for me to put a label on it, and publicly address what happened to me, especially as, until recently, many of the people I considered extended family read my blog and knew this man.  The silly thing is, the fear of not writing this post, is a key reason why I need to.  I need to break any and all control that my former mentor, and confident has/had over me, and I need to do it from a place of serenity and autonomy, and try not to let the fear of him getting upset and isolating me any further (I still am keeping his full identity anonymous as this is about healing and not about starting a witch hunt). This is my experience as I am Breaking free from gaslighting.

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What is Gaslighting?

When I first read about the term gaslighting, I dismissed it as the latest buzzword.  A trend to label behaviour that was most likely a form of abuse and required a person to just get out of the situation.  For the most part, I dismiss labels, and by doing that I feel that I can be more fluid and not allow them to define or trap me.  However, as I recently discovered, I needed this term in my life, to come to full terms with what was happening to me, and just how bad things were about to get.  If you want a fuller description of gaslighting, please check out this link, but for the context of this post it is someone who never apologizes without making you feel guilty.  It is someone who makes you feel isolated and that everything wrong is your fault, and claims to love you unconditionally with caveats that are completely unachievable.  They lie repeatedly, refuse to take any personal responsibility, and what for me was even worse, they tell everyone that you are the crazy one.  Honestly, there were times that the magnitude of how cruel the whole situation was, I could barely catch my breath.  And being isolated from all my family friends, and not realizing how deep the isolation actually went, I would naively turn to them for help and end up making an even bigger hole for myself, by proving that I was the crazy one who was off kilter. 

All I can say, is that even though he tried numerous times to turn my partner against me, and drive a wedge between us, my partner has the most incredible B.S. detector I have ever met and he called him out for exactly what he was, and what he was doing to me.  Without my partner, I may have crumbled and gone crawling back to this man because I honestly was left with, a feeling of complete nothingness. 

Where Am I Now?

While I still feel the weight from time to time of this person’s years of abuse, and occasionally find myself asking if I am stupid or weak, I have far more good days than bad. I have incredible friends who ensure I do not feel alone, and are happy just to sit in silence sipping a beer with me if I need to, sometimes it’s not enough.  There are moments, that I dream about him, and honestly wake up believing that things are back to how I idealized they were when I was younger.  I feel this incredible calm, that maybe this nightmare I have lived is over, and I am free.  I go back and forth between fantasy and reality, sometimes worried that I will never know the truth.  I am not fully free of this man, and for my mental sanity, I have to just accept that for the time being and continue to find peace in what I can control.  And that, is how I move forward with my life, and how I can forgive myself for living so long with the mental hell of my past.  

And please, out of respect for me, and my families privacy as I continue to work through this difficult time, do not guess who this person is, or try and reach out to that individual.  There is zero good that can come from that.  And I have learned that the only person that I can control is myself.  I am not looking for apologies, answers, or even acknowledgment.  I am simply taking care of my own mental health by writing this very painful post out, and continuing to heal with purpose.

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3 Myths I Believed About Sex

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Water is not lube, no matter where you put it!

If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them.  Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from?  In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life.  And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex.  Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.

Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is

A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration.  While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet.  The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication.  And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?).  The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth.  Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex.  All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse.  Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.

Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool

In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero business doing it, or talking about it.  I could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth altogether and all the variations that go along with it.

  • Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t have to spend as much time warming up the next. 
  • The type or quality of the lube does not matter, it’s all about the volume of it.
  • Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to show your man that you love him.
  • You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do it in the butt.  That’s what bad girls do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.

A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another was exposed and believed these myths to be true.  As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.  

Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part

Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me.  I remember watching the Friends episode that discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the time.  So, I was fully aware that women could get sexual pleasure from more than one place.  With that being said, the episode did focus on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being part of the fourplay.  It wasn’t until much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  The reason I include this one in my list of myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit.  No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.

So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3.  Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.