Category: Blogging

An Almost, and The Greatest Gift

My Breakup Reflection

Beerlover_Boobowner (IG)

I should be crying right now, as we are want to do with a breakup reflection. In fact, I should be going through all the typical heartbreak experiences that rejection should offer me. And yet, I am not. In fact, I am feeling confident, excited, and really hopeful. I let my heart take the lead a few weeks ago, and reach out to someone that I had grown to care deeply for. I forced my head to just take a break from over analyzing and telling me all the rational things that it normally would to prevent the impulsive text. But, I did it anyways… stone cold sober, in the middle of the afternoon.

What resulted was the most delightful afternoon I had experienced in a very long time. There was laughter, sex, and real intimacy. I was on cloud nine. And again, forced that brain of mine to just let it ride. The heart was taking a chance.

Sadly, it didn’t last, due to timing and all manor of things that are out of my control. Of course being told that hurt, and I did choke up at the notion that this was possibly a one time deal. But, there was something else, something much more interesting. This lingering feeling of hope.  Here exists a man who enjoys my company, we make each other blissfully happy, and he likes me for who I am. There is no hiding, or need to impress. I feel free to act with impulse, hold nothing back, and just exist as the passionate and emotional soul that I am. And yes, if you read my last post, it came on the backside of understanding that I need to take risks. To be assertive and just go for what I want and deserve.

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He is not with me right now, because he is in the middle of finding out who he is. And the incredibly amazing thing is, he is doing the soul searching for himself. I have mad respect for a person owning their shit. For recognizing that they are not quite where they want to be in life, and need more time to figure it out. All I ask for is truth and realness. It is always OK to admit that you just don’t know. Or that you’re not ready, or of course my dream, that someone wants to just run away with me and fall head over heals in a way that makes no sense to the world…. Hahaha!

So here I sit, humbled by the knowledge that someone could just love me, and not ask me to jump through hoops or prove my worth or value. I… didn’t actually know that was possible. And now, I am riding high on this beautiful gift that this amazing man has given me, and he currently has no idea. Maybe if we maintain a friendship, I can share this with him. For now, he has asked for space, and it is the very least I can give him.  He is not ready for a relationship, but… if he was he would be willing to be in one with me. The power of hearing those words from another’s lips is… intense.

I found one of the good ones, and he thinks I’m a good one too. Life is just a crazy ride isn’t it?

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First Polyamorous Inklings… In a Long TIME!

A little saucy angel?

My dating skills are a little rusty, having properly isolated for both my mental health and safety for pretty much the entirety of 2020 and beyond.  Taking an entire year off of kissing, and new relationship butterflies, did something strange. It made the fireworks of a few first kisses with new people pretty much off the charts.  And well, that confused my little soul. Was the chemistry the start of something real, and intense? Or simply the result of being in isolation for so long, and my bodies way of responding with heightened sensitivity? Or, are these the remnants of being open for so long, or maybe the first polyamorous inklings in a long time!

I’m not really looking for an answer, but what I am discovering is underneath all of that, was a part of me that I thought could have been damaged beyond repair, my ability to explore my polyamorous side again. I had someone very dear to me, ask if I could go back to non-monogamy, and my only answer at the time was “I don’t know”.  I spoke out of a place of hurt, and damage. And believe me when I say I have put a lot of effort into healing those deep wounds.  Being both gender and relationship fluid, I have always been open to the possibilities, but, I was expecting that someone else would take a bit of that lead.  That I would fall in love, and, the natural course of life would occur.

But, here I sit, wondering if I am about to take the reigns. If perhaps I am going to take control and guide the next few men or women in my life towards something that I desire.  2021 is all about me taking back ownership of my life, my home, and my future. That being said, I have loved the fantasy of being swept off my feet. And that has me wondering, if perhaps, I am about to sweep myself off my feet. Is that even a thing? Can I be happy in control of my relationships? Is that a dynamic that will bring me joy? I have no clue, but after kissing a new guy, I desperately wanted to go run and share the moment with someone special.  And I have not felt that desire in a long time. Having had to be closed, and keep my own secrets for longer than I care to admit, made it the default that I am now questioning.

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Does this post even make any sense? Maybe it’s not supposed to because I am in a place of change, growth, and more importantly, I have felt more happiness in the day to day, than I have in years. And the only thing I can attribute that to is the hope I have with some amazing people, and the fact that I have shut off the one big burden that closed me off. Which is a state of being I never want to experience again.

The feelings right now are subtle. Those little butterflies building for multiple people, and wanting share everything I’m doing with them feels strange, and a little uncomfortable, but in a good and hopeful way. And without the protective comfort of a long term, stable partner to come home to, I think is where I’m a little baffled. I’m taking the role of the stable one, and providing the inner strength all on my own. I feel empowered to vocalize what I want. To do the check-ins, and not settle for the person who just let’s me flounder. I have a funny feeling these next few months are going to be very interesting…

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Writing About Harassment and Sexism

Re-Claiming My Power

Boobs and Beer

I often say the words, “I have no choice but to be a writer”. While this sentiment is often a playful one, born out of the randomness that makes up my life, putting together my recent article on Sexism and Harassment in Craft Beer really drove the point home. I anguished for nearly two weeks writing it. I ended up with nearly 7 pages of draft paragraphs and notes.  And, I cried, raged, drank, and even had a few nightmares mixed in.  Coming face to face with all the sexism and harassment that I have faced over the years was brutal. Writing it down on paper made it real. And I had to make decisions about what I wanted to go public with, and what I was going to one day delete and just pretend never happened.  It made me feel raw, vulnerable, and quite alone.

But here’s the thing, as soon as it was published, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I was able to let go, and break free of so much anger that had been building up in me. Not only did I put myself out there as a real person, but, I created a plan of action on my Instagram which celebrates beer and boobs in an ethical way. And that is why I write.  That is why I went through all the pain, and anguish.  To come to a place where I could share my thoughts, and create a clear path for what I want my future to be.  Re-claiming my power.

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I have always wanted to normalize conversations and images about sex, and sexiness. I can’t pretend I do not have boobs just so I no longer invite sexism or harassment. That’s not a solution.  What I can do is talk about it, take fun and sexy photo’s, put content out into the world that I enjoy, and then talk about it. When a person crosses a line or boundary, we can talk about it, educate, and create a more sex positive environment. Again, this will not happen by turning a blind eye to the problem, or censoring the issues.

This behind the scenes post was going to include all the moments I didn’t feel safe putting out there to strangers about my sexual harassment in my Medium article.  But, instead, I was able to delete all the pain, and get really excited about the possibilities that putting myself out there in an authentic way has. This, is why I write. This is why it’s important for me to speak up against sexual harassment, and sexism.  It’s not a choice, it’s just who I am.  Writing empowers me, and knowing how much relief I have in publishing that article, I think it’s time to get that book finished… don’t you?

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Breaking Away from Monogamy:

And Exploring Sex Positivity!

Sex Positivity

Well, as with all things change is inevitable.  For those long time readers (and I know there are a few who have followed me since the beginning) you have been privy to a few changes of branding over the years, so this post will not be a first. For the rest of you though, new and casual readers alike, welcome to the randomness that is my life. More and more I have felt this urge to explore more things within the sex positive community. While my blog started out as my personal exploration of non-monogamy, I always felt that doing sex toy reviews, interviews with other people, or even dabbling into podcasts felt a bit off. And of course, with all the randomness of my last few years, exploring sex positivity seems a more accurate description of where my life is headed. So, the re-brand and timing just feels right.

Exploring non-monogamy and its vast spectrum during a pandemic obviously was not going to happen. But with that forced pause, it got me thinking that there are some many diverse subjects that I want to bring into the fold beyond just relationship diversity. I want to share the tough sex conversations that I have had, and hope will make things easier for others, or at the very least allow just one person not feel alone. That alone feeling is after all, why I started blogging in the first place. After finding myself in my first open relationship, and finding out quickly that none of my friends or family could or would be the support system I needed, I began blogging.

Now that my relationships have evolved and I find myself in a new headspace, the diversity of things that I need to explore and talk about needs to expand and be more indicative of where I have evolved to.  I have written about being relationship fluid, and perhaps sexually fluid, so the idea of just being non-monogamous doesn’t seem true to form. And now that I am dating again, people and conversations are going to be adventures. Take for instance, bringing this blog up and my writing passions up to someone who is for all intents and purposes monogamous. How will that look and feel? How do I have the tough conversations with new people about my past, and the book that is frighteningly close to being finished? Can I rectify all my sexual experiences, and past with the desire to start a new family or be accepted into someone else’s world? These are my current realities.

And there is just one more thing that I want to talk about, and something that is hugely important to me, and my place in the blogging sphere. And that is how I incorporate diversity and a safe space for exploration onto my pages and the words that I write.  I have been lucky enough to have a few guest writers over the years, but it was tough with my previous format. This new brand, I hope will allow for more exploration of diversity and acceptance. Sex positivity is for everyone. It took me years to embrace it in myself, and I could never have arrived at this place of love and acceptance without all of my past experiences. I don’t know what the future of my life, or relationships will lead, but I do know that my blog needs to remain a reflection of who I am in this moment.

Thank you all for the likes, shares, messages, and comments thus far. I hope that we can continue this journey together for many more years to come!!! And of course, a very special thank you to everyone who has supported my work on Patreon.

Being a Disappointment

Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!