So Naïve! The Couples Quest

I’m sure I have touched on this topic before, but in light of a recent conversation on the Hunter Gash and Alley Cat show (Which you should check out at GTFO if you’re 18 or older) I feel it deserves another look.  When E and I decided to look for couples to date together, I went into it with rose coloured glasses.  In short, I was optimistic and naive.  I honestly thought that amazing people would attract each other and that finding couples would be easier than finding new singles as a result.  I thought that all you would need to do was vet one person, and then naturally they would bring to the table their equally amazing partner, just as I was doing.  We would all get together for drinks, and laugh, share stories, and sexy times would inevitably be the result.

Yes, I went into this whole thing believing that finding couples would be simple.  I never considered opposites attract.  Nor did I ponder just how one sided many relationships are when it comes to entering into non monogamy.  I foolishly assumed that if two people were ready to head out on a date, that they would have put the same level of work into their relationship that my partner and I had.  That they would be confident (after the nerves of the first meeting wore off), and sure of what they wanted.  Oh, and I thought that as couples this would eliminate all the ghosting, bread-crumbing and they would be serious, AKA not time wasters.  It after all takes work to schedule 4 people, and that investment alone should mean that we are all willing and able.  Hence, when we finally meet, everyone would have the same goal, which is to have fun, and see if we all get along to determine if we would become friends or something more.  Oh my poor little naive and optimistic heart…

I also, very foolishly thought that because I already have a partner, and was not looking for perfection, that the couples we interacted with would be on that same wavelength too.  You know, looking for fun, willing to overlook a thing or two, and just enjoy the experience of meeting new people.  But oh no!  That has not been the case at all.  In fact, just recently I was chatting to a couple that I thought would be a lot of fun, and was just about to start scheduling a meeting between the four of us, when they dropped the bombshell.  They wanted to find a couple to help them raise their family.  I replied that we weren’t quite at that point yet in our lives with family, but why don’t we meet to see if we even click and go from there.  Not only did they not respond but I got deleted and blocked!  I mean I get that we weren’t quite on the same page, however, what’s the harm in meeting or at least getting to know a couple before you start a family with them?

And did I mention that we are looking for a stable couple?  And by stable, I do mean a couple who love each other, and have a good solid foundation.  A couple that leaves the majority of their drama at the door.  Yes, we all have issues in our primary relationships, but we have come across two couples in particular who used opening up to try and save their troubled relationships.  And guess what, it didn’t work!  And it really sucked for us, as the couple coming into it.  For you see, I begin to care about the people I’m dating, and then when the relationship deteriorates I get upset too, and there are tears and then pretty much everyone breaks up!  It’s a crappy feeling!

So now I go into these first meetings a little guarded and I make a point of asking how long the couple has been together to potentially avoid that particular pain.  And while I can weed out the FWB or new partners very quickly it’s still time consuming business.  I tend to gravitate towards couples who have been together 5 plus years.  I find couples who are in love and stable to be much more attractive than just a couple of hot FWB who only have amazing sex together and no real intimacy.  Why?  Because I am not looking for one time hookups.  Scheduling is tough.  My life is very busy.  Finding partners who are in the same boat makes life much more relaxed and easy going, as you can accept everyone’s priorities and really value the moments the four get together.  For me, it is more intimate and special.

I hope in the next few years, I can lower my guard a little and go with the flow again.  But right now I feel stuck in this weird zone of too many red flags from everyone I talk to.  And I suppose part of the reason is in that open relationships, swinging, etc are becoming a little less taboo.  So the pool is getting a little fuller around the edges.  Many couples are dipping a toe in here and there.  Or testing the water, so to speak.  While exciting, it’s a little tricky when your ready to start swimming laps, and leave the water wings behind.  But hey, at least a few of those toe dippers will stick around to experience the full pool soon right?

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Breadcrumbing Sadly This is a Thing


My previous postdealt with the influx I have been experiencing of rude and crude behaviour on online dating sites.  I proposed that we begin dealing with this negative behaviour rather than just ignoring it.  And that segway’s beautifully into this post, breadcrumbing.  What is breadcrumbing you may ask?  Well, urban dictionary defines it as this “The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie “breadcrumbs”) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort. “  Well that seems annoying and harmless enough.  Why do we even need a term for it?
Well, simply put, it is just another indicator that people are losing the ability to communicate clearly and are becoming pussies.  No one wants to face rejection or put in enough effort to make a move beyond a flirt and actually meet.  It is the social equivalent to the online games where you get a little piece of jewel or gold for minimal effort.  And you get super excited, for no reason and then you play again.  There is nothing real or tangible to be gained.  And yet we are excited.  We want to focus energy on that gem.  This is breadcrumbing in the virtual world.  We want that little flirtatious high, which in point of fact is quite meaningless.  And we want to achieve that without putting much effort or risk.  If it happens great, but it probably won’t because well, you chickened out from doing something real.  You know, leaving a path all over the place and only making a move when it’s a sure thing.  You can then blame the birds for eating the bread and take no responsibility for getting lost and wasting real people’s time.
We are sucked into the phone screens.  Waiting for little moments of you win.  Little tiny rushes of joy. And it is killing our ability to actually interact in the real world or make true connections.  Unfortunately, we forget that this is an artificial stimulation and that can lead a person to not care if it is negative or positive interaction. No harm no foul right?  So if things are not going towards a pleasant high, then you can quickly be an ass and get that adrenaline boost from a negative high.  I have to remind us all that these are real people.  And now this behaviour needs to stop.  Breadcrumbing would be harmless and annoying if that underlying cause wasn’t such a strong indicator that we are breaking apart from reality.  And that is not to say I am above this.  I have gotten sucked into online games.  And I have found myself swiping Tinder or Bumble out of boredom. But we need to stop treating the online world like a game, and start really interacting again with a world outside of our phones.
For my part, after 7:30 PM I have been trying to put my phone in my bedroom if not sooner.  I have it with me all day for work, so I am trying to give myself a few hours of freedom from it.  I am trying to be much more clear, of what I am looking for on the online dating community thereby decreasing how many people I am chatting to at once.  So when I do meet someone, I am not looking back upon months of e-mails and texts wondering how much time I just sunk into something that is going nowhere.  
 I just want my interactions to be real, and not simulated or fake.  We all know that texts get misinterpreted and are a terrible medium for communication.  So I am trying to break free from this.  I pick up the phone a lot more often and actually talk to a human when I can.  Risks have rewards.  That’s why we take them.  They make our life exciting and interesting.  You cannot tell your friends about this hot chick you breadcrumbed on Tinder.  It’s lame, stop doing it.  Get out there!  Make your life real and authentic.