Making an Honest Woman Out of Me

Black rings are so sexy!

When I first used this phrase in this 2012 post, it was akin to its original meaning, whereby I was told that getting married was the only way to make an honest woman out of “me”.  Well, I am here to celebrate the fact that I am honest woman, I am not married, and, are you ready for the actual bombshell here?  I am very attracted to married men/people.  I have been reluctant to admit this for a while, because I have worried about being called a homewrecker, or having friends of mine worry that I am trying to steal their husbands, or worse, the entire post I needed to write because apparently being married should mean you may never flirt again!

The thing about it is, I believe in ethical non-monogamy.  So when I meet a person who is married, and they are willing to chat with me about open relationships, ask intelligent questions, and then show me even the slightest bit of humanity I swoon!  I cannot help it.  Everyone has a type and this one seems to be mine. 

I can only describe the feeling as “safe” or even secure, when I chat/flirt with someone who is married. Further, I just find it super attractive that they are willing to settle down.  I love the family man as someone to flirt with, have some fun, and just basically get those incredible butterfly feelings.  The other aspect is that a married person typically puts zero pressure on you. Why? They have nothing to lose, as no matter what they have someone amazing to go home to. So, it can be far more relaxing and organic if you will.

Now, if you want to me lay down on a couch and bear out my soul and delve deeper in the psychology of the married man and why I find them so easy to let my guard down with, it is probably because in my long-term relationships I choose men who are not looking to get married.  I find people who believe in autonomy and self confidence, and all the things that I strive for (and if I am honest have been failing at hard core these days).  But back on point, my long-term men are stubborn, self assured people with whom I have never chosen because one day I will get my fairy tale ending and be swept off my feet. The long term attraction is something very different, it’s chemical, and more often than not it gets my little heart hurt.

So knowing that dichotomy of what I choose for myself long term, versus what I fantasize about in the short term (or longer if that’s possible and we can get the wife and my partner and… OK, I need a moment here) is again, dare I say, swoon worthy for me.

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Now of course, at this point I need to mention that this can be very dangerous territory.  My partner and I have dated a few married couples and I think we are sitting around the 50% mark for them getting divorced.  And while I won’t go into any details here, the overall theme, in its most simple, base form, is that they got into non-monogamy to save their marriages and it failed.  Nothing to do with us.  But that does make the waters a little murky.  I don’t want to be a homewrecker.  I don’t want to put a strain on anyone else’s relationship, and I want to be free to explore and build something awesome without the fear of ruining what already could be an amazing thing.  And that really makes this tricky.  I am leery when I see couples fighting or not showing respect for each other when they are out in public, or not fully in love with each other.  I want to expand on the love, add something beautiful, or hot to it.  NOT be that person who is a catalyst to the end.

At this point, I am going to say flat out, I do not want to be messaged for threesomes.  I am not looking to be a third wheel, a unicorn, or anything of the sort. For myself, I find relationships in even numbers much easier to navigate, and by that I mean pairs, foursomes, or moresomes. In fact, I will say, I am not soliciting for anyone to reach out to me for relationships or hookups.  It is not what I am looking for right now, I am simply celebrating the fact that I can be open with digging the married men that I have met.  Making an honest woman of me has nothing to do with the antiquated belief that I need to be married to be whole.  Nope, nadda.  Instead I need partnerships, and to admit that I love married people, who also believe in ethical non-monogamy is one of the more bold statements I have made of late, and I look forward to what adventures this new realization may bring when I am ready!

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Lowering Standards: A Clarification

I want to elaborate on a comment I made in my last post, whereby I said that I lowered my standards when looking for couples.  While I standby my statement, I do feel that it needs a little more elaboration, especially if any couples that we date should happen to stumble upon my little blog.  As I said, I stand by that statement and the reason for that is this, when dating as a couple, you need to take your partners wants and needs into consideration and not just your own.  For example, I love tall men, and I will outright dismiss any male who is shorter than me or of equal height.  That is my solo dating standard and is non negotiable, as a couple though, I am much more open.

 As a couple dating, those “non negotiable” becomes less important.  I am not looking for that male who looks amazing standing beside me, will someday father my children, and other necessary genetic traits for my long term happiness.  Instead, it becomes more of a “we” thing.  And together we are looking for awesome personality, fun and full of adventurous or engaging stories.  We can broaden our horizons and turn a blind eye to certain main partner prerequisites because these individuals and couples are more accurately bonuses in our lives.

Does that sound strange?  Perhaps, but honestly, that’s how it feels.  These individuals are spice, and fun, and extra amazing additions to our lives.  They do not have to encompass every single preferred trait, rather they are the people we get to explore and broaden our horizons with.  So the statement that I have lowered my standards may have come across as harsh, but it remains true.  My standards for dating as a couple are much more relaxed and after much conversation with my partner I am becoming ok with admitting that. 

The harsh part of the statement that may have been inferred on first reading, is that it is hard for me to relax my stringent criteria for what I find attractive.  So I have been trying to take a deep breath and take in the whole person rather than jumping to my immediate nopes.  And what makes that process more rewarding is that look in my partners eyes when he finds something or someone besides me sexy.  He gets this twinkle of excitement, and it almost always comes back full circle for me.  A little spice on the side results in me getting nearly twice as much affection shortly after.  It is an intensity that is very difficult to describe if you have not experienced it for yourself.  When there is no guilt associated with getting spice, flirting and finding new people, your expression of passion for your main partner nearly explodes.  It is a sensation that throws you in a moment that you almost never want to end.  That place where you appreciate who you are with for that second, moment and life in a deep and powerful way. 


I wrote early on in my blog about chasing butterflies.  And that’s the rub, you just cannot get that butterfly feeling with someone that you know so completely.  What you can get though, is butterflies with someone new, and then full complete passion and love with that person you will spend the rest of your life with.  No terrible crash after the butterflies, no apprehension or nervousness, or insecure feelings.  The beautiful tummy flip of adrenaline, followed by the fullness of love and complete satisfaction by someone who knows every nook and cranny of your body and soul.   It is so difficult to paint properly the picture of emotions that make my life complete when I am able to share all these experiences with my partner.  I know I am not doing it near enough justice, so all I can do is close my eyes, and try to write out the near perfect feeling of being able to have my cake and eat it too.  To have found a relationship norm that includes butterflies, and deep, stable passion all in one day with nothing artificial.  That deep yearning to be loved for everything you are, with a delightful mix, of getting to meet someone new, and the tease of new adventures.  And to do all of this in the open, with love and support.  This is why I blog, this is the purpose of sharing with all my dear readers.  I cannot keep to myself this most perfect relationship standard that enhance my life so perfectly.  I am truly blessed and complete in my emotional needs and wants.  This is my true love.

Dating Together, The Start of an Adventure

I have just reached and celebrated the ripe age of 31.  As many of you know, I get very reflecting during birthday season.  It is more important to me than new years, as I recognize it as my personal date of looking backwards and planning frontwards.  This year, I acted on a very important decision that I have made in years past.  And that is beginning the journey of looking for partners to join E and I.  It is one thing to talk about it, to plan for it, and get on the same page.  It is quite another to actually put yourself out there as dating and proud, together. 

E see’s my nervousness for what it is, and that is truly remarkable.  I have the butterflies, and antsy feeling.  And what is super cool about that is, I can share every step with my partner.  It is not a fearful dating on your own, filled with apprehension knowing the letdowns that are not far off into the distance.  Instead it is replaced with excitement, challenges and true connections.  First and foremost with my partner, and then exploring what spice is out there.  Expanding our love beyond just our little family.

Now I know I am excited, nervous and a little scared about this new adventure so we decided to be transparent in our profiles to ensure that we can help each other find the best we can.  And of course, the first thing that I have learned in this online process is that many guys do not actually read profiles.  Here is a little sample of the kind of conversations that I have encountered.  This began after I asked if he had actually read my profile before messaging me, and he learnt that it was my boyfriend in my profile picture and we were looking to date someone or a couple together. 

Guy –“Ohhh. Nope, that’s kinda gross. Good luck!”

Me –“I can see how you would think reading is gross as is evident by your ignorance and quick judgement.”

Guy –“No no. Reading is good. And i do know you’re a good person due to the fact that we’ve spoken off and on for a couple years now and i’m a good judge of charactor. The gross part i’m referring to is when people have to go outside of a relationship to satisfy one or both partners physical needs. Just my opinion. Not being judgemental, but when i’m in a commited relationship, there’s no need to have to share to satisfy any of ‘those’ needs”

Me –“You don’t think saying “that’s kinda gross” is being judgemental?

I am not looking for a FWB or anything along those lines. I am looking to expand my love in all forms with my partner. We are both physically satisfied. We also know that we both enjoy a little “spice” from time to time and that comes in the form of new people. We both agree that doing it together will be exciting and fun.

While I understand the notion that one man can completely satisfy one woman or any gender combinations there in, I would simply say that in a long term relationship, it doesn’t feel right to me. I love flirting, variety, and being supported and fulfilled body and soul by my partner. I subscribe to the idea that I can have my cake and eat it too. “



Dealing with online trolls and people who just cannot be curious without being an ass is part of being in the online community.  As I have said before, I do often forget that.  I hope that over the next year and beyond there will be a few wonderful stories to share with you all.  A few funny moments, and some real sexy adventures.  In the meantime, let the online dating challenge begin.  

Valentines Day, A Childhood Rite of Passage

Today is the day of love, named for the celebration of Saint Valentine.  Though for many of us its merely a marketing experiment gone right, in the light of making money, or getting laid.  So for all you out there getting engaged, celebrating anniversaries, and all around making the most of this day of red, pink, and white enjoy.  To the couples who do things right with wine, flowers, chocolate and a sultry romp in those silk sheets saved for special occasions this day is for you.  Just one tiny little query, why do we only do this one day a year?  Why is it acceptable for a guy to swoon on this one day of the year and romance his sweetheart without reprimand?  Why is a gal walking on cloud nine, clutching that white rose proudly to her chest this one day and only one day a year?
The cynical answer is that as mentioned above, the marketing gods are geniuses.  This is the day to propose, the day to send your love to that secret crush, the day where anything goes and the fear of rejection is at it’s lowest point of the year.  We as a society have learned to give and receive Valentines cards from a very young age, and taught the ever important lessons of being a gracious recipient no matter who the sender is.  It’s a harsh world out there for budding love, but less so on February 14th. 
My earliest memory of this was when I was in grade two, I received a giant Hersey’s kiss from an anonymous sender.  I of course blushed and was quick to divide it up between my friends and eat it without a second thought.  I’m not entirely sure the advice or reprimanding I received when I told my mom of the days events later that evening.  But I remember the following year when I received a gift box of pink cologne and bubble bath from the same anonymous sender that I had to find out who this generous gift giver was.  I found the guy, was a little disappointed, yet I graciously said thank you and gave a quick peck on his cheek.  I knew I made his day, and displayed an appropriate amount of gratitude without going too far.  As evidence of this I did not have to `marry` him in the playground later that day as so many of my girlfriends did.    
This event is what both males and females learn during Valentines Day, the freedom to give gifts to whomever you fancy, and gracious recipients who make you feel like a million bucks.  This is one of our first imprinted memories of dealing with the opposite sex and experiencing their reactions in a public setting.  It`s a deep seeded social experiment and ritual that we have firmly in place.  Remember the kid who had an empty box one year, were you the kid who scribbled your name off of one of your gifts and quickly added it to their box before the tears welled up?  What about the kid who had the box that was overflowing?  Did you feel a twinge of jealousy walking by, wishing you had that level of popularity without knowing what that word meant?  These are the Valentines day rites of passage that children in our society experience and probably have little recollection of just what level of impact this really had.
Generally though we remember our first significant gift, as I do with the giant chocolate and that sets the tone or level of how we give and receive in the future.  I wonder now if the sender had been someone that I liked, would my prerogative on this holiday be different?  Would this day be a day to celebrate and hold in high esteem?  For those who experienced the butterflies at such an early age do you have a greater romantic connection with this holiday?  Or for the kid who received nothing, is this why you hate this day and take such limited risks when it comes to opening your heart and experiencing love?  Whatever this day has meant to you in the past, I encourage all of you to attempt to not allow this day to be a one day a year event.  Give little gifts, letters, or special desserts throughout the year.  Share your love and take a few more risks throughout the year.  Don’t disregard the important lessons of the day, rather have the love, laughter and romance as often as you can.