Fall is Upon Us Once Again

So many people look forward to the springtime, the season of new beginnings and the much anticipated break from the winter.  I, on the other hand, look forward to fall.  Autumn is the season of change, growth and  exciting new beginnings.  Yes, I am biased because my birthday is a few weeks away, so of course this is the full circle for me.   But also, it is the time when a natural schedule sets in, either as a result of school starting or just the days getting shorter and a necessity to plan a bit better.  There is a rhythm that fall brings, a sense of stability after a summer full of random adventures.   Or in my case misadventures and unexplored opportunities.  Le sigh.

I keep telling myself that I will grab every new opportunity that comes my way.  To take the challenge of never saying no.  But my reality is, (if you read my last post I go into a bit more detail), that I am finally comfortable with my opinions.  I have spent years finding my voice, and when even the subtlest red flag presents itself it’s so hard to just ignore and choose adventure.  It’s such a double edged sword.  One that I am not sure how to reconcile.

As far as sexual adventures go, I am 100 percent on board if they involve my partner.  I want us to continue exploring as a team.  But all solo expeditions almost feel selfish right now.  Does that make any sense?  I want us to experience new people together and get to laugh and share stories as a united front.  I don’t want to put in the effort of building up new solo prospects that are just a bunch of going nowhere men.  I know, that sounds super jaded, but if you have seen the state of online dating recently, you may have an ounce of empathy for where I am coming from.  Men who have never heard of non-monogamy just want sex.  Men who have, are really, really difficult to find.  And it becomes too time consuming to even begin a conversation.

But, here I sit, writing with my favorite movie on in the background (Labyrinth) and fall is setting in.  It is the time for a shift in mentality, and perhaps even towards a more positive and hopeful one too.  A season of soft changes, and little waves of chillier weather.  As the leaves fall, perhaps my barriers will do the same.  Maybe there is something just incredible waiting for me under the next leaf pile…

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Aggression and #30DaysofLingerie

During the month of April (For Twitter users) there is a very sexy and fun hashtag called #30daysoflingerie.  I was super excited when I found it, late of course, but I joined it anyways.  I figured it would be an incredibly fun way to connect with sexy people and show off a little.  And it started as just that, finding lingerie, taking selfies and posting to twitter.  And I had the added fun of sending the best ones to my partner (who is not on twitter) for a little extra hint of exhibitionism.  I was part of a group and it felt exhilarating to share my sexy side in a way that was outside of my blog or Patreon.  And my followers for the most part were super supportive and extremely welcoming of this little bit extra.

So, all was fun and games, right up until post 10, and that’s when I learned a hard, but valuable lesson.  I do not like aggression, and I absolutely loath it from women.  Yup, I went ahead and said it.  Being exposed to highly aggressive people, especially in a sexualized environment where I already feel vulnerable and exposed will and did push me over the edge.  As a result, I have officially quit playing the game that I was originally so excited about.  But I learned I a great lesson about what I find attractive and can now better articulate something that really turns me off.

I am turned on by assertive, and confident people.  I want to surround myself with them both in and out of the bedroom because they challenge me to be better.  And I love that feeling of intellectual discourse blended with a person who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it.  And further to that, I get instantly wet if the person they want, is me.  Being wanted by someone I prize is indeed a sexual high point for me.  Oh swoon, that, and that alone… Ok I need a moment.  Phew… back on track here.

There is a line between aggression and assertiveness, and after this hashtag I forced myself to analyze exactly what crossing the line really meant to me.  I have been put off before, but could never quite articulate what the turnoff was, well, until now.  Unprompted crass or crude behaviour, and or the encouragement of negativity, are the two main things that stand out after a few days of soul searching and analysis.

Let me explain.  I do not find strangers demanding that I give them more, or brag that they would get me off in heartbeat if they were in my bed to be a turn on.  Nor, does an aggressive proclamation of just where they would stick it if I spread my legs wider for them garnish any type of arousal.  It does not encourage me to take sexier pictures, in fact, quite the opposite.  Being objectified that roughly, makes me want to stop showing off altogether.  I like light, sexy, playful and flirty when it comes to text and in person conversations of a sexual nature.  And I love being told that an image of mine is driving someone wild, or they can’t wait to get home to their partners as a result.  That is the line of what makes a turn on for me and why I show off, knowing my images are having a positive affect.  So crude objectification, in my books, is bad, and not sexy.

Now onto the point of encouraging bad behaviour or negative emotions.  First, I don’t equate sex with being bad or naughty.  For my personal sex life, I love passion and fun above all other things.  And to the point of this blog, I don’t ever want to feel dirty or used by some random internet stranger.  It is vulgar to me.  So that’s why I post pictures that I feel are pretty, or artistic or just really freaking hot to me.  That’s my prerogative when it comes to sex.  There are no mixed messages here, and nothing in my language that is up for negotiation.  Any rough play, or BDSM, is the one place that is completely private for me and off limits to the public.  I require complete trust in this regard and obviously there is no trust present with internet strangers.  And if you’ve met me in person, while very open, you know I speak my mind, within the firm boundaries I have put in place.  I know many people get turned on by raunchy and dirty language, and I in no way am trying to shame those people.  Just simply stating that it doesn’t work for me.  I don’t need a bunch of strangers objectifying me to get off.  I have a fabulous sex life, and writing my blog, posting pictures and showing off on Patreon are simply an extension of that.  If I wanted to be spoken to dirty, I promise you, I would ask.  Until that time, remember you are on a public forum, and you’re not nearly as anonymous as you think you are.

And that’s a great segue way into the second component of this, internet strangers trying to encourage negative behaviour in me.  Reading that a person wants to get me angry or riled up so I post more dirty pictures is quite off putting, especially from a woman.  Part of the reason I specify women here, is that with a man, I feel comfortable calling them out, or muting or even blocking if they don’t learn their lesson.  With a woman though, I can’t quite let go of my biases with regards to not looking like a bitch, or perceived as such by other females.  So I let it slide, or nervously giggle even though I’m enraged and disgusted.  Again, I know it’s sexist, but with men I can handle shutting them down, but women, I just want to crawl into a hole and avoid the entire encounter.  I have troubles rationalizing why anyone would feed off of negativity or want more of it.  It is a complete libido killer to me, and that’s where I find myself right now.  The lingerie challenge has lost its appeal for me.  I have encountered some incredibly aggressive women who made me feel uncomfortable and dirty.  And rather than deal with it, I have chosen to stop playing.  My terms, my choice.

But I don’t regret the lessons I have learned from the experience.  I know more about my turn ons and turn offs as a direct result of this hashtag and my involvement in it.  And I want to make my final statement very clear, I am writing this post, for me and my sexuality.  I am not in anyway asking anyone to change or modify their behaviours because everyone’s sexuality and turn ons are unique.  We aren’t born with a user manual of sexual attraction, and in this case, I learned more about myself by putting my images out there, than I would have by just avoiding.  But I know when to quit.  When things aren’t fun anymore, and the lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on.   So thanks to the wonderful and amazing people that discovered me while doing this challenge, I hope you stick around, but if not, no hard feelings.  It was fun while it lasted.

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Male Identity: A Push for Individuals

Horny, Hungry and Sleepy.  I very regularly typecast the male and his desires into these three categories of fulfillment.  If a partner can acknowledge these three items in all their combinations and extensions then you can keep a man happy.  But in all seriousness, male identity is under fire right now.  And unfortunately as a result of taking the finger pointing off of themselves (men), they point the finger at woman.  It is natural, and in a simplistic way I get it.  But let us take a look at what the problem really is.
Men are losing their identity, and are constantly being challenged in their tried and true roles.  Men are raised to be the breadwinners, to be the strong and rational thinker.  Men are taught that their penis’s are what defines their sexuality thus size and virility are of utmost importance.  Society expects men to excel at math, science and sports.  As much as we typecast woman, we also typecast our men.  We are putting so much focus on giving woman a voice, and yet here we are trying to take the voice away from our men.  Men are berated for a having a woman at home with whom they seek advice and council. 
Gender roles and identities are being challenged, changed and explored at a rate comparable to our technological evolution.  I hate reading about abortion, and access to birth control making the news.  But in the same instance, it hurts to know that if a man has a sex toy his entire identity is challenged by those around him.  Having a butt plug does not determine a man’s orientation.  Watching a man cry when he is overwhelmed emotionally does not make him bisexual.  When a man is not the breadwinner in his family, he is not less virile.  And yet as we have raised our boys with such strong male ideals, woman rising up and challenging these roles is meeting with a lot of resistance.  The stress it puts our men under is huge, and makes them fight back to regain control.  I do not think that is the direction we want to be going. 
I read an article in which baby girls in Saudi are encourage to wear Burkas “to protect baby girls from being sexually exploited”, the Saudi cleric said during an interview in the first week of February 2013.  This is happening now, and right across the ocean from us.  Men in this culture are terrified of being emasculated to such an intense extreme that they fear for the safety of their own female infants.  The fear mongering going on in this culture that they fear a baby can be sexualized is beyond comprehension to me.  And this is an extreme example of how the men fought back when woman started emasculating them.  And in the states, to a much lesser extent but still deplorable, men continue  to challenge woman’s rights to their bodies and right to choose.
I try to challenge the way we view woman, and I hope I planted the seed in how we view men as well.  I was asked the other night what I find sexually attractive, and the only honest response I could give is that I find certain individuals attractive.  I think the only way to to move forward is to stop putting genders into such harsh categories and start to raise our children as individuals with plentiful access to education in as many varieties as possible.

Peanut Gallery From A Musical About Polygamy

I love live musicals and plays, and I love them even more when the subject matter relates to different forms of relationships so that I may write about them and share some thoughts.  In this case though it is not necessarily the subject of the show that I want to point out, but more so the questions from the audience afterwards.  The musical was called “Keep Sweet: Polygamy the Musical” and it was a work in progress reading and singing of the script.  Overall it was very well done, with a little polishing still needed but it was obviously well researched and each character was loosely based on real life people at polygamist compounds.  As I said though the point of interest here really was in the after show questions and feedback portion of the show.
I am fascinated by religion and culture, and I know I do a lot of my spare time reading in research of these fields as it is my hobby and has been for as long as I can remember.  Based on the questions of last night though, I quickly realized I may be more alone in this quest than I previously thought.  One lady in particular questioned why the play wasn’t darker as she could handle a lot more doom and gloom in regards to the compound and the way this group lived.  I was shocked, yes it is a different lifestyle and yes when it hit the media a few years ago it was due to a very sick prophet (leader of a polygamist sect in Utah) so obviously sensationalized.  But these believers in the principle of Mormonism live this  lifestyle because they believe that polygamy and large families are the only way into heaven.  The plural marriages, sister wives, hard work and family all go hand in hand for their salvation.  Why as an outsider would we want to view that lifestyle in a darker way? 
After that comment it truly became an educational hour whereby the majority of the audience wanted more knowledge on the in depth research that was done in order to create this musical.  Almost morbid curiosity as to why the old prophet was arrested, are there actually any happy people on the compound, etc.  I think most disturbing though was the question about the girl who was depicted with a hair lip and a limp, representational of a child born of inbreeding and why she was not marriage material.  The female questioner wanted to know if she was not able to marry because she was ugly or because she was visibly deformed.  The families living on the compounds are humans with 5 senses just like we are.  They clearly do not want to continue a line that has deformations in it as a result of inbreeding is a natural stigma no matter how much we may try to fight it on the day to day.  Even in nature if a gorilla for example, has a scar on her nose, it is less likely that she will be a desirable mate as a physical deformity is present.  These are basic survival skills and not some foreign entity just because they are people with a different religion and live in a closed community for the most part.
I understand the curiosity when introduced to concepts or ideas that are foreign, however it is a really important skill to do so by placing as little of your own thoughts and views upon them.  The skills of walking into a culture or situation without any biases or as little as possible really open you up to learn as much as possible and have a better understanding, appreciation and acceptance for why and how people live.  If you are seeking the darkness of something you have passed a judgment that the idea is bad and you are looking to re-enforce that belief.  By asking almost ridiculous questions as to why would someone who is physically deformed be ostracized by their community, all you have to do is look in our own community to find our curious stares and non-acceptance when we are faced with a challenged individual. 
On a cheery note the musical was fantastic and once they work out a few kinks I truly hope it gets produced.

A New Year and New Challenges

I wrote a blog in anger, and as a result I will not link to although it did receive more comments than any other I have written.  Thus I have not been able to write for the past few days.  However in working through how I was going to resolve or let go of an issue that has burdened me for years I started working towards a revelation of such.  I had no idea how much my view point changed when it came to open relationships and how it actually has altered the way I deal with my family.  I remember receiving harsh criticism for not having my biological dad in my life as an active member and how hard it was for many in my life to accept.  However this was a choice that was made out of years of issues and pain.  I broke the mould in my household by taking a stance and choosing what was right for me at the time and not the expectation.
I have been raised to believe through and through that you must accept your family for what they are.  To take in stride their faults and strengths which I have gone into great detail previously here However why does this have to be the case.  If someone whom you share blood with treats you poorly and causes you undue stress and pain, why is the expectation to constantly forgive and forget?  If it was a chosen relationship the advice that you would receive would be to cut that person out of your life, but when it comes to family we are given different advice.  So does that then mean that family has free reign to treat it’s members in any fashion that they see fit?   How can that possibly be fair, or healthy for that matter?  I have spent the past week trying to analyze the bigger picture surrounding challenging societal norms and living to find my own happiness.  Unfortunately there is a price to pay for such things. And I publicly announce that I am finished fighting for what I deserve when it comes to my family.  After 28 years it turns out that I will be treated the same no matter what choices or responses I try to cleverly come up with.  I need to start focusing on the bigger picture and see how this affects my personal life and happiness and make choices towards that and not my own ego or sense of purpose.

How we relate to our family plays a critical role in how we behave and relate in our chosen relationships.  I know I have said time and time again that I will do things this way or that way when I have kids.  And I don`t know anyone out there who has not said similar things as we constantly evolve and change our ideas.  Knowledge is fluid and with that we are able to adapt to our surroundings in such an amazing way.  The ability to learn and grow, while questioning all that surrounds up are words I repeat again and again.  But there is an added point to that, it`s wonderful to grow and learn, but you also have to admit when you are wrong.  It takes a very confident and strong person to admit when they are wrong and put their stubbornness aside for the bigger picture.  So here I start the new year wondering if this will be a year filled with support or continued resistance to me voicing my opinions?