Category: Communication

It’s OK to Feel Not OK

    K Ghislaine
Deep Breath… It’s OK

Recently I was faced with a choice, to respond to a person in the way that I would like to be responded to, or to do my standard joking, playful, and seemingly dismissive retort.  Was that vague enough?  OK, so a guy I was planning a date with, messaged that he was having a rough day and didn’t feel up to seeing me.  Of course I was disappointed, but… and here’s the but… I was so shocked and ultimately impressed that this guy was able to tell me he was in a dark place, that I didn’t write my default message. In that moment, I realized that it was up to me, to take a step back, and really take stock of the situation. I have been putting out into the universe that I want men to be honest with me. And just like that, he was.

I have long been a believer in mental health days being just as crucial to our health as physical health days.  Why do we have sick days, and not depressed days?  It simply makes no sense.  And as a person who knows good and bad days, why is it permissible that I bail on event because I have a cold, but not to say that I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed? For some reason we are expected to just rally, or what I think happens more often than not, lie or make up excuses for our absence.  This, needs to stop.

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Yes, it is completely valid to feel bummed when someone can’t make it out to see you.  However, it is important to reflect on the strength of character it takes a person to just send that text, especially when they are feeling too low to move. Remember, our emotions are valid!

This brings me to another shocking revelation about myself. OK, fine, something that I should come to terms with. I have consistently created a safe space for my dearest friends.  We can openly talk about our bad days, and remind each other to drink water, get some vitamin D, let it out, and stretch or move. Yeah, I have some pretty incredible souls in my life.  That being said, I have not formed the same bonds with men.  In my mind, I know I am open minded, and empathetic to almost all things.  But, have I articulated that?  Have I ever lead by example?  Do I properly communicate that my space is a safe and understanding space?  Definitively not… especially at first. I tend to keep my emotions to myself.  And I think, if I’m being honest, I have created a double standard between friends and lovers.  I seem to hold lovers to a higher standard of openness without putting the work in myself. So yay, opportunity areas right???  Ugh… So many things to work on and improve.  Self improvement just never ends does it?

I don’t know when too soon is to be open and vulnerable, so there will be mistakes made. My hope is, that I can continue what just felt right the other day. Acknowledging that there will be good and bad day, and I want to be with people who understand that. Create the spaces you want to be in yourself. Stop this whole double standard thing whereby my friends can get away with so much more than the men in my life can. I can do this!

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Compassion, Empathy, Love

    K Ghislaine

( Trigger Warning: Please note that the following poem is a raw and real release, kindly skip this post if you are not comfortable with reading triggering phrases )

Raw and Real

To the man who gaslit me,

To the man who ghosted me,

You are no longer in control my thoughts even though you once consumed me.

To the man who hit me,

To the man who raped me,

You will never own my spirit even though you broke my body.

To the woman who violated me,

To the woman who demeaned me,

May you learn from my coldness, grow from my absence, and never again control another.

To the people who raised their voices,

To the people who ran to their keyboards,

May you face your foes in person, may you know true dialogue, and the art of real argument.

I have committed many errs,

I have made many mistakes,

My vow is to continuous learning, growth, and being accountable for my wrongs.

Compassion is king, empathy is queen, and love is our ace in the hole.

A huge thank you to everyone for their loving support of this blog, and all my endeavours. And of course, for keeping the beer flowing.

The Power of Touch

    K Ghislaine

My Lament

The Power of Touch

With the conclusion of every relationship, I look back, and allow my mind to openly accept the red flags that I willingly chose to ignore. We’ve all done it. And I will probably continue to do it. When you are in love with someone you might call these things compromises, or just accept them.  But when you are out of love, they are easier to see. And for a person such as myself who has had two 8 plus year long relationships in a row, I am taking things a step further, and seeing the concessions I made with both men. In this lament, I am going to talk about touch, or rather the lack of it. In short, touch has power, and when I can’t have it, I should walk away, right?

I grew up in a family that hugs and kisses each other… a lot! Touch was quite natural amongst family, but, like any good teenager, I ended up rebelling in my late teens and took a hard stance against hugs of any kind. At the time, I was also with a man who hated/feared intimacy. Unless our clothes were off, there was no hugging, kissing, touching, or hand holding. Touch was just not a thing, and lead me to write about the anti-seductive power of touch.

Fast forward to my last long term relationship where I was granted about 50 percent more out of bedroom intimacy. I honestly felt like I hit the jackpot. Those first few years were ripe with PDA, and all sorts of clothed touch, well, except for one key thing, he refused to hold my hand. In fact, any sort of hand holding in or out of the bedroom would result in an almost anxiety inducing moment for him. But, the hugs, were there, and I felt my self esteem and confidence boost to the point that I started hugging my closest friends again.

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It’s weird to admit, but once I felt that tease of touch, it was like the floodgates opened. I became almost insatiable and just wanted constant touch and affection, as if I was some love starved person. Which, it turns out, I actually was but didn’t recognize it at the time. The innate desire for human touch was a symptom of something I could not admit to myself: that this man and I were not right for each other. We were out of sync for a long time, but, life is life, and it kept us together far longer than it ever should have.

Hindsight is a magical thing, that can actually throw a person like me right down a regret filled rabbit hole. Why didn’t he want to hold my hand, say I love you, hug me just because he could? Was I that unlovable? Was/am I not worthy of intimacy or a connection? These questions swirl around when I least expect them, and get almost unbearable when I meet someone new, because guess what? Covid times mean we are universally out of sync with intimacy and human touch. It is such a fun time to be dating, said absolutely no one! We have a social responsibility to keep our distance from people, and what I am finding out, is that my personality type, and issues with touch are not conducive to this. 

But, I will persevere, try not to come on to strong and touchy feely with new people, and just do my best to work out my desire for intimacy alone, in my bedroom with buzzing toys??

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Struggling With Body Image and Why I Don’t Talk About It

    K Ghislaine

First, I get the mainly female population who slam me for being naturally thin, and not understanding the plight of those who have different genetic makeups.  Second, I get the crowd who tell me I am supposed to be body positive no matter what, and talking about weight is some sort of societal construct that we should all break away from.  And third, I get the population who sexualize the weight gain topic (I am including the crowd who tell me that I shouldn’t worry because they would still fuck me, and those who tell me I am hotter with meat on my bones, or those who flat out tell me I am now disgusting).

Based on those three reactions, I have not ever written about my struggles with weight on the blog and only share full nudity on my Patreon as a bonus.  I have allowed this topic to remain taboo, and omitted it from my sex positive exploration.  Today, I am taking my first step to open some dialogue about my struggles with weight or as it is turning out, ranting my frustrations.  So let me start here, even though I am naturally thin, my struggles are valid. I am tired of being told I cannot have a voice in the whole body image scene. Or that, I need to remain quiet when people talk about their weight or eating habits. Do you know what finally made me brave enough to write this? It was putting on that damn quarantine weight. Why? Because for the first time, I didn’t feel like an outsider amongst my female friends and from this point onward I can honestly say I put on a tonne of unexpected weight and I can confirm that losing weight is just as difficult as putting it on. I am spitting mad that I had to experience both sides to finally have a valid voice, because that is just not how any of this is supposed to work!!!

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In the past, whenever I have mentioned that I am trying to put on a few extra pounds, I get shamed.  Not only shamed, but outright shut down.  I have not once been able to have a healthy conversation with a female friend about my desire to have a little curve to my body, and a bit of a booty. It seems it is OK to promote body awareness, and positivity from everyone, except the skinny little ones that cannot possibly know the pain of trying to lose weight. Yeah, I am bitter, and angry that I have allowed myself to be silenced for so damn long.  We all struggle with body image from time to time.  This is a universal truth superseding gender, and the colour of our skin.  At some point, there is something about our image we wish we could change. And you know what? Being able to have healthy conversations about this from every single person who wants to talk about it is important.

You cannot say you a part of the body positive movement if you shut out my voice. My experience with my weight and the way I look are every bit as important as yours.  I am a human, with a physical body, and I struggle with the way it looks. Going to swing clubs, and being naked around other humans has been the best experience for my quest to accept my body.  It is what has allowed me to truly be comfortable naked.  However, and I cannot stress this enough, getting to those parties can be terrifying. In my life, the idea that women are vicious when it comes to body image has been re-enforced so many times that writing a post like this makes me a little sick to the stomach.

The perception that it must be easier for me to accept my body than others need to stop. The shame I receive when I complain that I am feeling to boney or skinny needs to stop.  When I mention that I am trying to gain weight so I feel more healthy and sexy, stop telling me to shut up. Let us collectively accept that body image is an equal struggle for all humans.  The man with the dad bod is struggling the same as the skinny guy desperate to look like aqua man shirtless. If reading that, you think the skinny guy has it easier, then your biases are invalidating him and that needs to end right now. If we do not feel comfortable talking about it, we will never be able to actually overcome body shame and call ourselves a sex and body positive community accepting of everyone!

Let me leave you with one final thought: Who decided that calling someone fat was far more cruel than calling someone skinny???  Please leave your thoughts in the comments or on Twitter. Let us get talking!

Do Not Open an Online Message with Sex

    K Ghislaine
Serenity now!

Now that I have definitely proven to myself that there is absolutely zero gender bias when it comes to people saying the most boundary crossing, absurd things for an opening online dating message, I feel more confident writing this post.  Instead of this post just being a rant about how men are ruining online dating because they believe any reaction is a good reaction, I can now open this up to… we all suck at opening conversations online.  In the past two weeks, I have had both couples and presumably single women open their conversations to me with great detail about how they want to get inside my p*&sy.  As flattered as you think I should be to read that you want to spread my legs, and go down on me for hours.  And by extension, that I have chosen such great photos, written a prize winning profile, and apparently am just online at the right time and right place for you to invite me over to your place…it’s going to be a hard no from me.

I thought for a long time that it was only men who sent rude and crude messages, as a matter of shock value (or that’s what I tell myself when I am shaking my head while blocking them).  I know, that it’s a numbers game, and quite frankly I understand putting message after message out into the abyss to crickets.  And then feeling like any reaction is better than no reaction as no one wants to be ignored, especially when you’re lonely.  But guess what I have recently learned?  It is all of us, men, women, absolutely everyone who signs up to online dating has that moment of, well, I am tired of being ignored, so let’s just go all in!  And yes, I include myself in this, because I had to do a lot of trial and error to even get my response rate up to the 50% mark it is currently at (average of men, women, and couples).  Yes, I am numbers person, and keep track of that sort of thing for “science”.  As part of my dating coaching business, I like actually knowing what has a chance of working, and being able to validate that versus just sending my clients out there as my guinea pigs.

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At this point, before you think I am a prude or get the wrong impression of me, thinking, perhaps there are woman out there who would get wet at the crude opening message and I have no business chiming into this conversation, let me tell you this.  I grew up in a machine shop, surrounded by all levels of blue collar, white collar, you name it.  Being in sales, I am fluent in the art of match the voice of your customer.  And well, if you have met me in person, or heard me speak, I have a tendency to use colourful language to help boost a story. Or when I am out at a pub, talking with my friends, I love shooting the shit, making dick jokes, and cracking euphemisms with the best of them.  And that is the key difference I want to make here.  When there is context, body language, and just a basic rapport with a real human being, you can be yourself (whatever that may be).  However, and I cannot stress this enough, when you are using the written word to make an introduction, you are going to find yourself dead in the water if you open with something rude or crude.

Let me put this in a new paragraph for added emphasis.  Even if you are just looking to get laid, believe in total blunt honesty, etc, opening your message with anything sexual is a bad idea. Telling a person, you are only in town for one night and have a fancy hotel, is a dumb opener.  Sending your dick or genitalia as a way of getting someone’s attention is… a bad IDEA!  

Normally at this point, I try and be reflective.  To understand human nature, and why all genders think this is an appropriate way to introduce themselves.  Why there is a large number of people who believe that the only way to get something is to just come out and ask. But the thing is, I’m tired of repeating myself here.  If you honestly think that pissing off 9999 people to get your 1 yes is worth it, I have zero time for you.  There is a right way to discuss a hookup, and way that alienates everyone else.  Learn the difference, figure it out, and STOP opening is sex!  Simple rule of thumb, open with something you would be willing to say in person completely sober.  This is not difficult!

Are you looking for some non-monogamous conversation starters, I have created a whole series on Medium!  Or you could sign up to my Patreon to see the full breadth of my work, and behind the scenes photos!