Alone Time

Whenever my partner is away I find myself going through that same cycle over and over.  It starts with me making big huge plans for everything I am going to do with all my new found free time.  Then I spend a little too much time binge watching a TV show that I have been waiting to watch, that I know he hates.  Soon after, I put out my little loneliness feelers, to scratch my sexual itch, especially if he is going to be gone more than a few days.  Almost every time that plan falls flat and I resort to draining the charge on my toys again and again.

At this point, I realize that it may not be sex I am looking for, but just merely a little human contact.  I become a little more hug prone and I set up coffee dates with someone I haven’t seen in a while at least once a week.  You know, to just get out of the house and keep social.  And then I throw myself into whatever job I am doing.  In this case, I am working as many hours as I can, and when I get home I crack a beer and continue working my book.

And then, it hits me, and it is a surprise every single time.  My life is the same with him away, or right here beside me.  What I choose to do, and how I live, doesn’t change based on the distance.  Sure, I might only see a friend or make new friends once a month.  And perhaps I get a little distracted in the summer with camping, sunshine and adventures so the writing takes a bit of a pause.  But I am supremely focused on my craft.  Although it may not seem like it, I always am daydreaming, working out character arcs, and working through things that I may or may not share via blog, or social media.  And there is no amount of distance that can break my connection to my partner.  We have a symmetry about us, that just seems to work.  Two stubborn, souls, living in a beautiful cosine arc, that peaks and falls with the passing days, in a perpetual path towards our individual goals.

And as for the dating and sexual aspect, my goodness do I miss having a couple in our lives that we can get excited for, and excite us in return.  I know we will find a few “someones” at some point, and it will be the most amazing, invigorating time of our lives, but in the right now, it remains a fantasy, mixed with a few blissful moments from memories.  I almost look forward to the fall, whereby things seems to settle out a little, and routines become more predictable both in our lives and in the quest to edge into someone eles’s.  The variability of summer leaves too much up in the air to really get something started.  A few sparks here and there, but it’s the fall that proves if those sparks will smoulder out, or ignite into a warm glow.

My imagination grows rich with fantasy, and it is time to put pen to paper in a more poetic form.  Until next time my dear readers.

 

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A Casual Swing Club Encounter: My Internal Plight

Sigh, that coveted casual swing club encounter.  That hot steamy night that you fantasize would just spontaneously occur.  You stack the deck in your favour of course.  Slow hot bath, sipping wine as you scrub yourself squeaky clean and do all the necessary personal grooming.  Then you dress to the nines with your partner, or in our case, pick the most elaborate costume you can.  You arrive at a packed swing club with that pre-screened and amazing looking guest list, tonight is going to be hot.  You pour yourselves a drink and begin the mingling and flirting dance.  And then you find a couple.  The small talk begins and you find some common ground.  Let’s go somewhere quieter they say.  You laugh, stroke your partners thigh and discover that it is smiles all around.  This night is going perfectly.  That fantasy is looking very promising.

And then, you remember, your rules, and you are snapped back into reality.  No full swapping the first time you meet.  Why?  Quite simply it’s a little matter of safety and sexual compatibility.  As hot as that anonymous first time swap would be, for you it will remain nothing more than a fantasy.  When it comes to sexual health and safety we never compromise.

At a club, in the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to have a clear and completely honest conversation about disclosure.  I don’t subscribe to the idea that everyone lies, however, in a sexually charged environment, there can be a tendency by some parties to say whatever they can to sway the cards in their sexual favor.  And even if every one is telling the truth, it is an often loud environment.  It is easy to not be heard, or clearly understand what someone has said.  So, we err on the side of caution.  Touching, soft swap, all good things.  But no kissing or fluid exchange with strangers, period.

For my personal comfort and sanity, I cannot stand waking up the next morning wondering if the person we kissed was clean (I use the term loosely and for simplicity, no judgement intended).  It turns a really hot memory into one of suspicion and uncertainty.  I prefer guilt free fantasies.  Especially with my writers over active imagination.  In fact, I had situation just a few months ago, where we were soft swapping with a bunch of people, touching and getting a little intense when all of a sudden a woman stuck her tongue down my throat.  No permission was obtained and while I wanted to get lost in the sexiness of the situation, as there were hands everywhere, the reality was not hot.  It felt instead, obtrusive, invasive and all manor of inappropriate and all that separated her behaviour from everyone else’s, was the fluid exchange.  I was angry that I didn’t even have the chance to say no, or have the safe sex talk.  And as a result of how I felt the next morning and a very short conversation with my partner, we made a rule that from here on in, we tell people that we do not swap the first time we meet.

The other aspect I mentioned is sexual compatibility.  I don’t know about you, but history tells me that first time sex with a person is average to bad.  Every sexual encounter is unique, the sights, sounds and smells of a person.  So having no clue what to expect personality wise or sexually can be a bit of a hurdle.  I even heard of a few swingers who stopped going to clubs in general because the anonymous sex was actually getting boring.  It was constantly mediocre or bad and the thrill of newness was starting to wane.  Sex really ramps up, when you get to know a person.  When you can read their body language and get into the situation without having to stop every 30 seconds to ask permission (a slight exaggeration there, but you get the idea). I for one, want a much more sustainable sex life.  I enjoy good to great sex.  I love the butterflies and after glow, and I get that from a specific memory or touch from a person I care a bit about.  Strangers just don’t have any staying power in my mental spank bank.  I don’t want objects, I yearn for flesh and blood, emotional beings.

And for us the advantages of playing this way far outweigh the lost fantasy.  Especially for us, as we love a little chase and the excitement of getting to know someone.  Building that sexually charged suspense.  We don’t always get the payoff for postponing a swap, but man, when we do!  That keeps us going for weeks!  So the trade-off of an amazing novelty encounter, versus more of the getting to know a couple sex is definitely up our alley.

Now you can call me a tease or a dirty vanilla or a no touchie if it makes you feel better, but the truth of the matter is I would love to play the first time.  I just don’t want to waste my time hoping the sex will be good or to put myself in a situation where I do not feel safe. I’m in this for the long haul, not to just try out a few new people for curiosities sake.  Maybe I’m not a true swinger in that I don’t actually engage in anonymous sex with strangers.  I have written about already feeling like an outlier.  I know there is an argument for your valuable time.  You have the night off, a babysitter booked and you are looking for some strange.  And I respect your fantasy, just as I hope you respect my reasoning for not doing a full swap when we meet.  We try to disclose this information sooner rather than later, however we have screwed up few times and left it until we were already in the same room taking off our clothes.  For that, I humbly ask your forgiveness and I hope that you will want to get some strange with us in the future, only, not when it’s 100 percent strange.

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Addressing the Sexless Marriage is Inevitable Myth

I was going through my blog comment section this morning and realized that I had missed responding to someone from 2012.  It was on a post entitled Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter.  So aside from feeling terrible for ignoring someone who took the time to comment, I also felt bad because of the myth that he was taking solace in.  The myth is that for marriage to last for ever, you should be with your best friend, because in the end, when the sex life has fizzled out, you will still have your soul mate. Basically, put more stock in a companion than a sexual equal.  I hate this myth.

Why put limits on your relationship?  Why perpetuate the idea that one must settle in order to live happily ever after (which I also do not agree with).  Life is whatever you make of it.  Relationships can be whatever you want them to be.  A lifetime together means just that, a lifetime making each other happy.  And for a lot of people, myself included, sex enriches my life and relationship.  Penn and Teller, did a Bullshit episode on Old People, which looked at all the myths that happen when people get old.  Sex drive dying was definitely a myth according to many who were interviewed.  In fact, how many times have you heard of near polyamory in old folks homes?  Human nature is to experience everything you possibly can when you know the end is near.  And sex is high on that list.

In my own family, I was horrified to find out that some elderly seniors thought it was funny to pick up the phone to invite the other into the shower with them… while I was on the line!  I won’t put in writing who it was, but I can tell you that sex is very much still a part of that 50 plus year marriage.  And it is only uncomfortable because they are family.  Reading that from anyone else, I would probably say that is so sweet, but please don’t tell me anymore.

Find someone who is your equal, who always has your back and you theirs.  Find a partner.  But don’t limit yourself to myths.  Don’t think that sex has to dry up.  Don’t place more value on companionship if that is not what’s important to you.  Make your own long term goals with your partners and live everyday in love and happiness.  Do not allow limits to control you!  Or myths that keep a person down on some potentially miserable level. Sexless marriage is not inevitable unless you want it to be.

007- James Bond

It was a long time ago, somewhere in 2001, October.  I was in a friend`s basement in mixed company after a long day at University.  I was playing video games with the boys, and I remarked that I was going to kick the ass of one boy in particular, D, the game was Golden Eye.  I used every trick in the book to win.  And win I did, for a little bit anyways.  It grew very apparent that something was happening between the two of us and it became less about the video game, and more about how to subtly make physical contact without any of our friends around noticing.  Silly 18 year olds, we had no idea how obvious this growing spark was to everyone in the room.  But here it was, playful, flirtations with our attentions changing between the competitive drive to beat the other and the curiosity of this live new person. 
This spark of course grew into my first real and true love.  What started out as mere childish flirtation turned into the major relationship that shaped myself throughout my early 20`s.  And now I write with a lump in my throat at the irony of James Bond being the beginning, can now be said also to be the end.  
Flash forward 10 years, to a girl sitting beside a boy she loves, E, in February of 2012.  Picture the two of them sitting in a dark living room a few hours after an ill timed argument.  Both trying to crack smiles and move forward but absolutely exhausted.  Picture the boy trying to find something, anything to change the mood.  Enter in, my old friend in a new system, James Bond.  There is no playful flirtation, instead there is only a boy who is trying to get his girlfriend to try and play.  And for some inexplicable reason she resists.  She knows the good times that could be had if she just picks up the controller, relaxes and playfully flirts again, or shows that competitive side that she desperately hides.   And yet she continues to resist, to give up, and accept, the fate that will inevitably befall this relationship.
Will this girl regain that piece of herself, that playful and competitive side that made one boy fall in love with her, and without sealed a conclusion on the next?  How did I allow fear to take a hold of me so strongly that I forgot to let go and just have fun?  I honestly failed at communicating the big things, and chose to live just day to day finding small joy in everything I did.  I worked so hard at not taking life so seriously and I wrote extensively to that end.  I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish through and through.  But in the end, living day to day is a self fulfilling prophecy, in that if you are not working towards a future, then your partner cannot see a future in you. 
Life is a very interesting game of strategy and chance.  You can strategize and plan for a relationship all you want, but in the end without communication and planning, it becomes chance that the two people who matter end up on the same page.  I can appreciate why many men out there (and women), do not enjoy games of chance, as ending up alone is a scary thought.  I thought that living my life for myself along side my man who was doing the same would keep up happy forever.  It turns out, I put my relationship on the line by leaving things to chance.  Oh 007, you may have much yet to teach me.

Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter

There are two types of people in this world, the ones who believe in the power of a healthy and happy sex life to be a strong indicator towards a healthy relationship, and, the people who believe a healthy and loving relationship can exist in the absence of sex.  Up until a few years ago, I had only had exposure to the first type of people on an intimate basis.  So let me tell you a story of a good friend.
He found a girl, and the girl was amazing.  They planned trips over seas and finally decided to start a new life together in a new city.  Lots of love and laughter was shared and he confided in me that he was really really happy, however there was just one thing.  He told me that he had not had sex in more than three months because he had given up on initiating it.  And he was puzzled because she didn’t seem to mind.  I told him that he had already given up, and this girl was not the girl of his dreams as she didn’t want to share this most intimate of passions.  I didn’t tell him anything that he didn’t already know or feel, just held up the mirror to the actions he was already taking in response to her sexually.  It had nothing to do with her, and her emotional baggage, and lets face it we all have it in spades.  But the thing is you can’t change a person. And most important, is that you cannot change yourself. 
The passion is either there or it is not.  If you are questioning your sexual compatibility then it is a long road ahead for the relationship.  Even questioning it will have brought to light for you just how important this sex drive and compatibility are for you.  Be careful hoping she/he will change, because in my experience sex is a very strong indicator of overall happiness and suitability I acknowledge that you can have love without sex, but the reality is I don’t feel this should be forced up on us because of a persons past or history.   It is one thing to be understanding about past events, but not knowing for yourself your wants and needs you may live with a twinge of regret.