Write on the board 50 times:

Notebook #SorryNotSorry

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I do not have to always explain myself.  My experiences are valid! #SorryNotSorry!

What is something you need to write out 50 times? Let’s share, and lift each other up with words of validation and encouragement. And a special shout out to those willing to share some beer money!

Third Time’s a Charm Right? And I Don’t Mean Men!

BC is Beautiful!

Earlier this year, I came up with this idea that I wanted to take some solo road trips (with my furry friend) and explore Alberta and BC.  I had it all figured out, and would take every weekend off of my evening job so that I could get some me time, writing in nature, and exploring on my terms.  No one to answer to, and no obligations.  I would drink when I wanted, eat, and sleep on my schedule.  And the best part, I could get some serious writing time in.  Well, as the title suggests, this, so far has not gone to plan.

My first solo trip pretty much ended and if I am honest, began with me in tears.  I got the car all packed up in the pouring rain, drove in frustration for an hour, and then everything really went amuck.  I don’t want to bore you with the rainy details of all the soggy sights I did not actually leave my car to see. Or the fact that my dog started panting about an hour and a half in (which did not cease for 5 freaking hours). Or the engine light coming on.  And wait, there is more… I was pretty much followed at every single off road exit I took and completely overwhelmed by cars choosing to park right beside me (in empty fields) numerous times. And the one guy who parked behind me and shone his high beams into my car for over an hour.  It was a deserted rest stop, and I was trying to lay down in the back and do some writing.  Exhausted, frustrated, and worried I might have broken my car, I drove home in defeat.  Oh, sorry, I bored you with the details after all. My bad!

The second trip, a few months later (because I needed to sufficiently lick the wounds from my bruised ego), went a little better.  I drove to BC, found a beautiful campsite to write in. Drank a beer, and ate my homemade lunch in the sunshine.  I even managed to do some actual writing at both a brewery and outside!  Rejoice… I could actually travel by myself.  Oh wait… it was time for bed, and that’s when I became a total stress case.  Where could I sleep?  What if someone broke in?  Wait, can I actually sleep in nature by myself?  Sorry Bowser, but you don’t have much in the way of intimidation.  So, I parked by the river and proceeded to crash for a few hours, and then drive my little butt right back home.  It was marginally better, but still, I couldn’t figure out what was making this so hard.

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And then I realized, it was the mental block of solo travelling. Men, you may have difficulties understanding this, but just being a woman out in the world comes with obstacles. Ladies, have you ever put your keys in between your knuckles while walking across a parking lot, just in case someone jumped you?  Have you ever sat at a bar, had a few drinks, then been followed to your car by a complete stranger?  What about having someone walk just way to close to you in the grocery store, leering in every isle?  Look, I think of myself as a confident, independent woman who can pretty much handle herself in any situation. But, what if something bad should actually happen to me.  Do you think I would get sympathy or even help?  Nope, the reality is I would be met with judgment for travelling alone. And then shamed with an, I told you so. Or wouldn’t it be better if you just waited to travel when you had a partner?

Here is a random memory that I think explains where I am coming from.  When I was 16 I had a job, and was able to buy my first car.  Here I was, driving to a friends house when boom, I hit the curb and blew a tire.  It was completely my fault and I was horrified.  I tried calling my parents, but both of them were busy, so I locked my car and hopped on a bus, headed for home to wait until they were free.  An hour later, my uncle called and he picked me up, drove me to my car, and proceeded to change my tire for me.  I asked him to show me what to do, in case this should happen in the future. His response was that it would be too difficult for me to do, and the I should have just flashed my bare leg towards traffic and hope that a kind male stranger would come to my rescue.  Yup.  Rather than empower me with the tools to tackle this myself, I was told that I was weak, and needed to use my sexuality or feminine whiles to achieve my goals.

And this life lesson has stuck with me, my whole adult life.  Thus, here I am, finally understanding the real reason I feel compelled to tackle a solo road trip by myself, even though it is difficult for me.  Everything about the trip, I love doing: Sleeping in the car, exploring nature with my dog, drinking at breweries, and writing whenever I feel like it or inspiration strikes.  But, there is something about putting everything together in one weekend that makes me feel like I can’t.  Like somehow, something bad is going to happen and I will need a male rescue.  It is a sucky feeling.  But here I am, tackling this beast again, with my optimistic self in full force, hopeful that this third time is the charm to breaking this spell.

Stay tuned… oh, and while you wait, feel free to check out my Patreon for all my bonus content. Or if you love boobs and beer, pop on over to my IG!

First Polyamorous Inklings… In a Long TIME!

A little saucy angel?

My dating skills are a little rusty, having properly isolated for both my mental health and safety for pretty much the entirety of 2020 and beyond.  Taking an entire year off of kissing, and new relationship butterflies, did something strange. It made the fireworks of a few first kisses with new people pretty much off the charts.  And well, that confused my little soul. Was the chemistry the start of something real, and intense? Or simply the result of being in isolation for so long, and my bodies way of responding with heightened sensitivity? Or, are these the remnants of being open for so long, or maybe the first polyamorous inklings in a long time!

I’m not really looking for an answer, but what I am discovering is underneath all of that, was a part of me that I thought could have been damaged beyond repair, my ability to explore my polyamorous side again. I had someone very dear to me, ask if I could go back to non-monogamy, and my only answer at the time was “I don’t know”.  I spoke out of a place of hurt, and damage. And believe me when I say I have put a lot of effort into healing those deep wounds.  Being both gender and relationship fluid, I have always been open to the possibilities, but, I was expecting that someone else would take a bit of that lead.  That I would fall in love, and, the natural course of life would occur.

But, here I sit, wondering if I am about to take the reigns. If perhaps I am going to take control and guide the next few men or women in my life towards something that I desire.  2021 is all about me taking back ownership of my life, my home, and my future. That being said, I have loved the fantasy of being swept off my feet. And that has me wondering, if perhaps, I am about to sweep myself off my feet. Is that even a thing? Can I be happy in control of my relationships? Is that a dynamic that will bring me joy? I have no clue, but after kissing a new guy, I desperately wanted to go run and share the moment with someone special.  And I have not felt that desire in a long time. Having had to be closed, and keep my own secrets for longer than I care to admit, made it the default that I am now questioning.

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Does this post even make any sense? Maybe it’s not supposed to because I am in a place of change, growth, and more importantly, I have felt more happiness in the day to day, than I have in years. And the only thing I can attribute that to is the hope I have with some amazing people, and the fact that I have shut off the one big burden that closed me off. Which is a state of being I never want to experience again.

The feelings right now are subtle. Those little butterflies building for multiple people, and wanting share everything I’m doing with them feels strange, and a little uncomfortable, but in a good and hopeful way. And without the protective comfort of a long term, stable partner to come home to, I think is where I’m a little baffled. I’m taking the role of the stable one, and providing the inner strength all on my own. I feel empowered to vocalize what I want. To do the check-ins, and not settle for the person who just let’s me flounder. I have a funny feeling these next few months are going to be very interesting…

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Bi-Curiosity and My Past Obstacles

Smiling for the future

Last November I finally came to terms in writing (which is a huge deal for me) that I was bi-curious. I nervously admitted to my partner that I was uncertain about just how straight I was, and was ready to start exploring. Well, as it turns out, my timing couldn’t have been worse because low and behold 2020 was right around the corner. I had switched my online dating profiles ready to dip my toes into the dating pool of females, but unfortunately Covid-19 hitting in March, abruptly ended all conversations. As a result I have been left alone with my thoughts, fantasies, and all the insecurities of approaching women forced into the back burner of my mind. Simmering away, I cannot help but lament the fact that it has taken me until my mid-30’s to recognize that my sexuality is likely as fluid as my relationships.

With the inability to move forward I feel like a fraud for thinking and not doing. I don’t want to hurt anyone or use a person for my own exploration. I am nervous to use, and worse, to be used. Isolation has granted me the luxury of getting lost inside my own head, and while it usually gives me great comfort, in this case, I have no frame of reference. I truly feel alone. I long for human contact, for intimacy, and for that intense spark of a budding relationship. But when I awake from the day dream of what if, I am reminded that we are in dark times. I cannot just go out and flirt or mingle like I earnestly desire. And the harsh reality  comes crashing down, that if I did take the risk and put myself out there, I do not know what I want or what I am looking for. This is going to take time, stumbles, and probably a few hurt feeling and bruised egos. I just feel so raw that now may not be the right time. But if not now, when?

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Looking back at how I was raised, it is no secret that I wish that my biological dad had been around more. I recall telling my mom that he took me to a breakfast spot downtown when I was young that had rainbow flags everywhere and no woman’s washroom. I had no idea what any of that meant, but when I told my step dad about the meal he was noticeably uncomfortable. As a staunchly homophobic man, I remember many nights of him accusing me of being a dike, with my short pixie haircut and not boyfriend to speak of. And when I was in university I was still living at home so exploring my sexuality was still out of the question. Plus I met the man I nearly married only a month or so in. So that was that. I was on the path of the straight and narrow, even defiantly so.

I don’t want this to seem like I am making excuses or that I haven’t forgiven my past. But, looking back, I can see why it took me until my mid 30’s to break away from my personal rigidity. While the timing is not quite right to fully put myself out there, I am allowing my fantasies to be a little more fluid. I still don’t know when things will open up, or when I will be able to take these fantasies to the next level, but.. actually I am just going to leave this one there.

A huge thank you to everyone who has kept the beer flowing for me this month! I hope you are all enjoying the thank you photos on my Patreon.

How to Respond When Someone Posts a Sexy Photo of Themselves Online

Sexy Pink Bra Selfie

I am working diligently on getting my life back to a place where I feel more whole.  And part of that journey has included a stark realization, that may I never actually get there, and to just put my happiness on hold until that magical moment arrives is foolhardy at best.  So, when something joyful happens in my life, I now smile, pause, reflect, enjoy it, basically I have given myself permission to start being the happy, optimistic person that I used to be.  Going back to my childhood nickname of “ray of sunshine” is, a dream come true.  So, with all of this in hand, I posted a sexy image on Twitter last week whereby I said “somedays you have to wear that bra that makes your boobs look incredible under that most unassuming t-shirt”. 

I was celebrating the fact that I was feeling sexy, just for me.  I was at a point again, where I was feeling playful, and fun.  And within moments I received this message “I’m sorry.. no bra beats the look of a hard nipple under some cloth”.  I was shocked.  The comment literally had zero purpose.  And I realized that some people just need to be heard.  They feel it is their duty to comment on everything, to voice their opinions, and to use another person’s celebration as a platform for their own purpose.  And for a the next few hours, I got trolled hard.  Two male accounts in particular started clamoring for how I posted something public, and therefore any and all opinions and comments should be expected.  I was in the wrong for trying to moderate my own content.  And their opinions deserved to be heard just as loudly as mine.  It was, asinine. 

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You can read the whole thing on my Twitter under the same picture on this post if you’re bored, but let me pull out just one more quote from the account in question as he tried to explain why he wrote his comment “all I did was indicate my preference for the braless look.  It wasn’t about you”.  Obviously there was a clamoring of “then why write that”, which fell on deaf ears.  It was now about something vastly different than the original intent of feeling confident enough to share that I was feeling sexy.  It was showing a glaring truth about the social media sphere of things.  And I almost wanted to say “if you can’t saying anything nice, then don’t say anything at all”.  But you see, I don’t actually believe in that.  We as a society are too nice.  We don’t want to offend anyone so, we keep our opinions to ourselves.  What really needs to be said, is something along the lines of relevance.  Why do you feel the need to comment.  Are you adding to the conversation?  Is there relevance?  Context is king here.

What did the guy really want out of that comment?  Was he looking to see me without a bra, or with hard nipples instead?  Yeah, probably, however when I asked him flat out his intent, he didn’t seem to know.  He couldn’t articulate the rational for writing that.  And that is where my main aggravation comes from.  If you want to add to the conversation, debate, have a real conversation I am 100% for that.  But, I am not here to just be your soapbox, or have you piggyback off of my content.  

Now, you are probably asking why I titled this blog the way I did.  Quite simply, because context is everything.  Use those reading comprehension skills that you learned in elementary, and apply them.  If someone posts an article, picture, video, podcast, really anything, before you comment ask yourself what their intent is, and then ask yourself, why are you really commenting? Are you adding to the conversation?  Are you looking for something different?  Are you displeased with something?  Are you trying to network or promote your own content?  The bottom line, is interact with purpose.  Know what that is, and be responsible for your own words just as the content creator is.  And remember the golden rule of the internet, nothing is every permanently deleted, so… don’t be that troll!

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