Category: Confidence

Beware of the Nice Guy

    K Ghislaine
The Only Nice Guy I Trust!

I can be an intense, and passionate person.  I articulate my thoughts and feelings in a way that for most new people in my life seems attractive, confident, and refreshing.  I approach people and their relationships in a thoughtful, attentive, and what comes across as a well-balanced way that gives off the impression that it just comes naturally to me.  The truth is, it took me decades to reach this point.  To understand myself, and articulate my thoughts and feelings in such a way that I know exactly when to ask for a hug, ask for space, or just break down and say I have no idea what I need and require help or support. 

Now, having this personality is refreshing to people.  I blossom in one on one conversations, and usually, I can get a persons life story or deepest secrets within a first meeting.  And the range of people I meet this way is fascinating and incredible.  But for purposes of this post, I need to shed light on a specific personality type that has plagued me, over and over again, the nice guy.

When I meet a nice guy I usually steer clear of them, because I will admit, I know the pattern our friendship will take, and I never like the final outcome.  First, we will become super fast friends.  He will feel an incredible high knowing I shared something intimate about my life, and will cling onto that.  He will share, what he feels is similar information and create this overly powerful bond in his head.  Instead of feeling that we are equals, he will start to idolize or fantasize that what we have is special and unique.  And it is.  But… there is a catch.  Men like this, do not recognize that the are getting a high from this.  And that they crave this feeling of being special.  So they start asking more intimate questions.  They start to delve deeper into your world, in an almost invasive way.  Not out of malice but to re-play that initial feeling.  And they poke, and prod into your relationship looking for cracks and dirt so that they can “return the favor” and help you solve some monumental moment in your life.

They, in short, feed off of your negative situation and crave it more and more.  They want to feel special, and the problem is that it is not in your accomplishments but in your failures.  That’s where their emotional boost comes through most strongly.  That’s the role they have found in your life, and the experience that they want to relive. 

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Now, as I mentioned, I avoid these people whenever possible because the reality for me, is I hate having the confrontations with these people.  A few more noteworthy ones include, telling a guy exactly what he has been doing and watching him just melt.  It was gut wrenching and I couldn’t handle it.  Or the guy who got so angry that he called me a tease, and bitch, and well… it got really messy.  Then there was the guy that I tried to coach and deal with more gently.  For this particular guy I ended up having to finally end the friendship because I got so sick and tired of calling out his bad behaviour because he was incapable of breaking this cycle.  And the more I write these the reactions the more I solidify why I just am not equipped to handle this personality type.  It’s icky for me, and I would rather just close the door from the onset.

But, here I sit, realizing that there are situations that I cannot avoid.  Co-workers, mutual friends, and the worst of them all, the men who I thought were normal friends, but see opportunity in something I shared and basically preditorially pounce, thereby changing the entire relationship dynamic, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, feigning as the nice guy to get closer to me. 

So, let me be clear, I believe that the majority of people can change their behaviour once they recognize it for what it is and actually see value in overcoming it.  I’m an optimist and do see overall good in individuals.  From what I have seen, people are mostly devastated when I point out this energy cycle to them, and honestly, I don’t enjoy crushing people like that, because I do not have the energy, expertise, or drive to help anyone like this fix themselves.  This is a hard limit for me.  And why, whenever I have full control, I give a hard NOPE to this particular negative thriving person (again, I know it’s not on purpose, but that doesn’t make it better!).  So, what then do I do with the unavoidable nice guys?  What do I say to them?  Why do I constantly have to be clear, put them in their place, or worse, re draw lines in our friendship to ensure I don’t become prey to their need to “just help me”?  I am not someone who wants pity.  I just want equality in my friendships and authentic communication.  I want to be free to vent about another person in my life without having a reaction of judgment, and the horrible “if I were you” or the life draining sentiment of “ I would never treat you like that”.

Can we just be there for each other during the rough times, and build each other up on the day to day?  Can we find a way to communicate without putting others down?  Or better yet, realize that humans have a great capacity to hold more than one soul dear in their lives.  We don’t need to always vie for that one coveted spot of primary or best friend, or any other of these titles.  Just be a good friend, a good person, and stop the cycle of feeding off of negativity!

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Breaking Free From Gaslighting

    K Ghislaine
Gaslighting

First off, I am a survivor and not a victim.  I say that out loud to myself from time to time, because I find it helps me regain my power and control over the situation that I found myself in a few years ago (sorry I cannot give a specific timeline due to circumstance outside of my control).  Why did it take me so long to come out and write about it?  Because, it was difficult for me to put a label on it, and publicly address what happened to me, especially as, until recently, many of the people I considered extended family read my blog and knew this man.  The silly thing is, the fear of not writing this post, is a key reason why I need to.  I need to break any and all control that my former mentor, and confident has/had over me, and I need to do it from a place of serenity and autonomy, and try not to let the fear of him getting upset and isolating me any further (I still am keeping his full identity anonymous as this is about healing and not about starting a witch hunt). This is my experience as I am Breaking free from gaslighting.

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What is Gaslighting?

When I first read about the term gaslighting, I dismissed it as the latest buzzword.  A trend to label behaviour that was most likely a form of abuse and required a person to just get out of the situation.  For the most part, I dismiss labels, and by doing that I feel that I can be more fluid and not allow them to define or trap me.  However, as I recently discovered, I needed this term in my life, to come to full terms with what was happening to me, and just how bad things were about to get.  If you want a fuller description of gaslighting, please check out this link, but for the context of this post it is someone who never apologizes without making you feel guilty.  It is someone who makes you feel isolated and that everything wrong is your fault, and claims to love you unconditionally with caveats that are completely unachievable.  They lie repeatedly, refuse to take any personal responsibility, and what for me was even worse, they tell everyone that you are the crazy one.  Honestly, there were times that the magnitude of how cruel the whole situation was, I could barely catch my breath.  And being isolated from all my family friends, and not realizing how deep the isolation actually went, I would naively turn to them for help and end up making an even bigger hole for myself, by proving that I was the crazy one who was off kilter. 

All I can say, is that even though he tried numerous times to turn my partner against me, and drive a wedge between us, my partner has the most incredible B.S. detector I have ever met and he called him out for exactly what he was, and what he was doing to me.  Without my partner, I may have crumbled and gone crawling back to this man because I honestly was left with, a feeling of complete nothingness. 

Where Am I Now?

While I still feel the weight from time to time of this person’s years of abuse, and occasionally find myself asking if I am stupid or weak, I have far more good days than bad. I have incredible friends who ensure I do not feel alone, and are happy just to sit in silence sipping a beer with me if I need to, sometimes it’s not enough.  There are moments, that I dream about him, and honestly wake up believing that things are back to how I idealized they were when I was younger.  I feel this incredible calm, that maybe this nightmare I have lived is over, and I am free.  I go back and forth between fantasy and reality, sometimes worried that I will never know the truth.  I am not fully free of this man, and for my mental sanity, I have to just accept that for the time being and continue to find peace in what I can control.  And that, is how I move forward with my life, and how I can forgive myself for living so long with the mental hell of my past.  

And please, out of respect for me, and my families privacy as I continue to work through this difficult time, do not guess who this person is, or try and reach out to that individual.  There is zero good that can come from that.  And I have learned that the only person that I can control is myself.  I am not looking for apologies, answers, or even acknowledgment.  I am simply taking care of my own mental health by writing this very painful post out, and continuing to heal with purpose.

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The Friendzone is Bullshit!

    K Ghislaine
Body language matters and the friendzone is bullshit!

I have toyed with a post explaining why I believe the word friendzone is bullshit for over 5 years.  I have outlines, ideas, and just random thoughts peppering my work in progress document and nothing I wrote ever could quite get past the whole “I don’t like the label and it’s implications”.  Until recently, I felt writing this post would be irresponsible and give people the wrong impression about me (by that I mean, I didn’t want men who felt they were in the friendzone to start pushing boundaries). But I write this now because there is something bubbling beneath the surface of the word that I think needs to be addressed here.  With a few beers in me, I wrote this in reply to a comment on my Predators blog post: I have tried numerous times to write a post on the friendzone, however I stop myself in light of this very context. Until there is a clear understanding of consent, and boundaries, there are certain men that should just stay believing in the friendzone for the sake of the women they are in essence pushing boundaries with…. OK, maybe this should turn into a post.

Any guesses where I am going with this yet?  The friendzone is a word, that I have always felt, was a copout.  We use it to place a person who we may or make not actually like, but definitely do not want anything physical to happen with (at that particular moment).  And as we are still trying to figure out what role they play in our lives, we relegate them into this so called “friendzone”.  The implications of that zone, are that the person will take the hint, and therefor understand that they are to stop being flirty, or expect that the person who placed them there will ever sleep with them.  Basically, it’s code for “just give up already”. 

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So, there are two parts that I will touch on here to explain why I think the friendzone is bullshit

The first, is why do we allow, or even encourage people to place labels like this on other human beings.  It’s often cruel.  If a person likes you, man up, and have the conversation that says you are tired of them doing such and such behaviour, and would like it to stop for the friendship to continue.  Then set a clear expectation, for example, this is what will happen if you don’t.  Off the top of my head you could threaten that the friendship will be over if they continue to push your boundaries.  Of you could simply state where you are at in the moment and call out the persons bad behaviour as it happens.

Perhaps you would like an example from my colourful past?  Ok, here is a little story time…Once upon a time when I was in a long term monogamous relationship, I had a friend who would constantly try to buy me drinks, text me cute pet names, and when he got drunk he would meow at me.  I really appreciated all the free stuff I was getting, and when we texted it was playful, it was fun, and quite flattering being on someone’s mind like that.  However, when he got drunk, he repeatedly tried to cross the line, would hold his hugs just a little too long, and the weird meowing turned into this creepy cat-like howl. To be clear I had zero attraction for him, and was in a completely monogamous relationship that he was fully aware of.  He was a teddy bear in the day time with whom I always hugged when I saw him, was a great listener, and overall I loved the boost he gave my ego.  So, I, without realizing it, was letting him ride in that weird friendzone territory, while I sorted out my feelings and tried to rationalize where he was in my life. 

But then, I grew up.  Ok, the truth was, I got sick and tired of his drunken behaviour and watched it start to spill into our sober text messages.  So, I gave him a choice.  Either stop crossing the line with me when you’re drunk and allow me to trust you 100% of the time, or you will not be in my life.  And guess what?  After two strikes, he was no longer in my life.  I won’t lie, I missed the attention, but ultimately, the ego boost just wasn’t worth having someone like that in my life.

Ok, so now let’s talk about the other side of it.  Why people find themselves in the friendzone.  I’m not going to mince words here, if you have ever found yourself in the friendzone it is because you do not have the social skills to handle the situation that you are in and you are the problem.  See what I did there?  I told you what was wrong in a direct manor.  Let me explain, if you’re sitting there, shell shocked, or feeling like you want to start defending yourself, take pause and hear me out.  If you are attracted to someone, and the feelings are not returned in the same manor that you are wishing they would, there are a few things going on.  First, you have picked a target way out of your league and you are either too shy, under confident, or socially awkward to overcome that hurdle so you tell yourself, just being close to this person is enough.  Guess what? It’s not, it’s weird, and you need to start learning how to build your confidence. 

Second, you have this person in your life who keeps telling you no, but you have decided, that they are wrong, and you are going to keep trying.  Guess what?  That makes you an asshole and you have violated the whole consent thing.  Maybe this person is just being too nice, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or is just genuinely trying to figure things out.  That shouldn’t matter to you though. If you hear the word no, it’s time to back off immediately.  Perhaps they will miss you, and come around.  Or more likely, they will realize their gut was right, and they just were one of those genuinely amazing souls who are nice to everyone, and are so relieved that they don’t have to feel awkward around you anymore.  Either way, respect the word no, and back off!

The friendzone is not healthy, for anyone.  The friendzone is a bullshit place to be, and equally to put someone in while you figure things out.  I propose that we remove this silly label from our vocabulary and start actually communicating with people.  You don’t have to use black and white labels.  We are blessed with a whole range of words, body language, and clear methods of expressing ourselves.  So, start building those skills.  And did you know that you can always change your mind about a person too?  If you tell a person you aren’t into them, and then realize you were wrong you can go and talk to them and share your feelings?  Crazy, I know!  But it’s far better than playing this whole in the friendzone, out of the friendzone charade.  So take these new and improved communication skills you have learned here, and go have meaningful conversations with people you like.  And always remember, if they say no, for the love of everything, respect that, and do NOT keep trying!

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Non-Monogamy and Popping Cherries

    K Ghislaine

In my monogamous upbringing, I was taught, like many of us were, that losing ones virginity was basically the pinnacle of sexual exploration and maturity.  There was zero conversation in regards to what milestones existed beyond the “popping of one’s cherry”.  It was simply a goal of everyone to lose virginity either in the confines of marriage, or as a pubescent race to experience this physical milestone as fast as possible.  Arguably these are the two main schools of thought, and obviously in our sex positive narrative, wrought with misconceptions and at times even a dangerous quest, as I’m sure you are well aware.  If you, did not experience this as part of your sexual education then I am indeed envious.

But lamenting the past is something I want to do as little as possible in this post.  Instead, I want to celebrate something truly amazing.  The opening of my non-monogamous eyes to the new and exciting world of cherry popping in all it’s vast and wondrous forms, that are far reaching and almost limitless if you use a little bit more of your sexual arsenal, creativity, and perhaps an extra hand or two.

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Last weekend, a couple remarked that we popped their cherry in regards to a very sexy, same room sexual encounter.  It was more of an exhibitionist focused tryst, but a real cherry was popped none the less.  This was a first for the couple and they left recharged with sexual energy that was amazingly contagious.  And that my friends got my mind racing.  During my non-monogamous journey I have experienced what feels like a lifetime of new, and amazing sexual firsts.  I have had my cherry popped in so many different ways, that I blush just to think how long that list is getting.  It is an incredible world of firsts, and newness, and well, the heart races just a little bit when I recall my first threesome or my first time reaching an orgasm with strangers watching, or… I better stop while I am ahead here and still able to type.

But the thing of it is, in monogamy, I would not have come even close to being able to list the things I have.  And this is not because I would not have been able to experience many of these things via role playing, dirty talk, fantasy, etc, but because the conversation was halted at the loss of losing your virginity.  In my monogamous life, that was pretty much it.  You had one milestone that you could talk about with your friends, and then, you either had sex regularly or you were on the quest to find someone who would.  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, just a completely different way of looking at the world.  I now see possibilities and new experiences that I  yearn to try, and I can share them, talk about them, and even plan new adventures in this freeing lifestyle.  Whereas in monogamy, I just cannot envision me saying to a friend even half of the things that I am able to express  in this blog for example.

Viewing new experiences in the light of “cherry popping” goes beyond just a sexual bucket list.  It is, for me, the embracing of new experiences as an exciting bonus of the lifestyle.  The addage that you don’t know if you like something unless you try it, sort of mentality.  It’s a freeing concept that is fueled by the many positive experiences that I am having, and works to push out the limiting and often impulsive word “no” from my vocabulary, which has more far reaching benefits in my day to day life as well.  While I am still not quite at the enthusiastic “hell yes” phase, when it comes to new people and adventures, I am definitely heading in the right direction.  So thank you to all who have helped me pop a cherry or two, and a very special thank you to those that allowed us to be a part of your firsts!  Cheers to many, many more sex positive adventures!

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Money and Relationships

    K Ghislaine

AKA The Adage of Never Mix Business with Pleasure: Relationship Edition

I doubt there is a person out there who has never heard the warnings against mixing business with pleasure.  Announcing plans on going into a financial partnership with your best friend will elicit gasps, dire warnings, and a whole barrage of “never do that” anecdotes.  It’s a very simple concept to grasp, when finances are involved the relationship will suffer at one point or another, and very often erupt into irreconcilable differences that sever the friendship.  Ok, so we all agree that this adage is well known, and is ripe with a million and one examples?

Then how the hell are relationships supposed to survive this very thing.  Mixing sex, love, a partnership with the obvious financial merging of two people is supposed to be taboo (never sleep with a coworker as an example).  Something that we are supposed to avoid in friends but have zero choice about in long term relationships.  Does anyone else find this mind-numbingly insane?  Instead of teaching partners on any level about how to do this legally or otherwise we completely and almost universally clam up about this.  It’s almost as if society seems grateful that two people can share financial difficulties as a unit and solidly behind closed doors.  It takes the public pressure off of this glaring deficit in our societal norms.  There is no medium for dealing with these things.  Instead we completely remove finances from the public discourse, very similarly to the way we avoid talking about sex in public.  And the bottom line for me is that the subject of money is my weakest link.

I, feel great shame talking about debt.  I feel even worse feeling like a financial burden on my partner and would love to continue just avoiding the whole conversation.  And yet, there is simply no way to separate the money from the relationship for any length of time.  It’s impossible.

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And it freaking sucks!  Money should not be the cause of such a high divorce rate in our culture.  And there should not be a gender gap when it comes to income earning and I could honestly just go on and on about all the crappy reasons and excuses that I can to explain why I feel so lost and helpless at this very moment.  I’m struggling to understand how two people, who are supposed to be partners can survive if there is financial disparity.  Is it up to one to be burdened by the guilt of the other?  Are the two just supposed to accept the past mistakes and help each other move forward?  Or as in my case, is my extreme stubbornness to fix my own mistakes and problems going to be the detriment of the most amazing relationship that I have ever had?

These aren’t easy questions to ask, and even harder to answer.  But ultimately that’s where you end up when things in your culture, society or even household are taboo.  You end up in what feels like a no-win scenario.  Wishing you could fix things with the snap of a finger or press the magic reset button that will allow you to move forward without having to face the music head on.  I’m talking about money and relationships because it is hard and scary, especially for me.  I am clawing my way up from debt one day at a time.  That is my mission and mandate.  And most importantly, my promise to myself.  And someday, I hope that this small step forward will lead me to be able to more openly discuss my finances, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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