Reader Feedback: Sex Positive, Breaking Away, Fantasies, and More

Reader Feedback Time: Sex Positive

Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help.  Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers.  So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.

Breaking Away From Monogamy

Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity.  But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway.  In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community.  So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore?  What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about? 

Fantasy Writing

Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies.  So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these?  A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more.  Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them.  I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter.  If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it.  There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself.  And making these posts public, would mean I have to.   So what are your thoughts?  How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts?  Please write in the comments.

Don’t forget to click here to purchase all your toys, lube, and condoms! Use BreakingAway at checkout to save 10% and support this blog!

Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching

Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website.  I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy.  While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate.  So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com.  I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do.  I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource.  So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.

Sex Positive Books and Blogs

Fourth and final thought.  Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs.  The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive.  I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place.  This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active.  So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.

Contact Me or Comment Below

So, that about summarizes my questions for you.  I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content!  If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me.  The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.

Cheers!

Krys

Expressing My Fantasies


I suppose after all this time writing a Sex and Open Relationship blog, I should touch on the subject of fantasies, after all, it is one of the few things that makes sense to people looking into non-monogamy.  The ability to actually live out a few of your fantasies or sexual desires within the ethics of your relationship is an amazing benefit.  When I had my first MFM, I could not stop blushing about it for weeks, maybe even months.  The ability to have such a hot experience with my partner, and be able to share the delightful aftershocks together is just an enormous turn on.  Even now, years later, I am blushing just writing about it.  But as I wrote before, talking about fantasies is surprisingly more difficult for me being open, than it was in monogamy Full disclosure, my aim in sharing the reasons why in more detail, are primarily selfish.  By writing about it, I want to explore why I still feel reluctance to share my fantasies with my partner.  By doing so, I want to fully understand my hesitation, become more confident, and leave behind my hangups behind me.  This tactic is why I started blogging in the first place and it has made a very positive impact on my emotional awareness and self improvement.  So here in no particular order are a few areas that I have been brainstorming over the past little while that may attribute to my lack of fantasy expression.
In my mind, I play out sexual fantasies all the time.  However, I have trouble articulating them to my partner due to the incredibly high level of involvement of the scene setting.  I plan the emotion, the meeting, the people involved and then the seduction (for an example), or the chance sexual tryst that occurs.  These sexy scenarios work for me, because of the emotional involvement I invest in the set up.  The creative juices get flowing as freely as my sexual imagination.  Maybe one day I will write out a few of them and test the waters with some fiction writing, but for now they are stuck in my head and they just give me great pleasure.  But as a result of the planning, I find it really difficult to tell the tale out loud with a partner.  So up until this point they have remained my internal porn channel, for my mind only and I haven’t been asked to share unless E is on vacation. 
With that being said, now that we are heavily invested in exploring couples and the lifestyle, the subject of fantasies is starting to come up with a little more frequency.  For example, a simple, what would you like to happen on the weekend with this new couple?  And it should be a sexy and straightforward reply on my part, and yet I struggle with an answer.  If I had ever come away from a sexual encounter with my partner and thought the words, “aw, I really wish such and such had happened, that would have made the experience so much hotter”, then maybe I would be better equipped to answer.  But the fact remains, I love sex with my partner, and I love the sexual adventures we go on.  I am not a lady who pines for something to happen.  Rather, an idea pops in my head and I either make it happen or I don’t.  I wanted to explore couples and lots of hands, and that is exactly what we are doing.  I walk away fully satisfied so I don’t always think to ask for more.  I get off pleasing other people, and knowing that they are pleasing me.  I just don’t struggle with having any needs met, so there is not a whole lot of necessity for a huge wants list.  Again, I am just working through all my thoughts on the subject and why I don’t express my fantasies.
Another point that I feel I should mention is that I have hated being let down by myself and others for so long that I rarely set myself up to fail.  I have pretty much removed failure from my life.  Every experience is a learning one, a building block, a new memory or hot adventure.  Nothing is a waste or a loss anymore.  I have had far to much of that in my young life, and have completely re-framed that side of my brain.  So having the confidence that I will thoroughly enjoy my new experience takes away a little bit of the need to set fantasy goals or expectations.  Does that make any sense? I guess what am saying is I enjoy the moment, and if I put too much expectation on someone else fulfilling a fantasy my focus might shift from thoroughly enjoying the experience to one that could open me up to disappointment?  But I suppose that is part of the charm of dating couples and not just swinging, if something doesn’t happen the first time, it is not like it will be the one and only.
And the final point that I think I need to reiterate from the linked post is that being in an open relationship, I sometimes feel like the safety blanket is gone.  In monogamy, I could freely express fantasies because there was almost no chance of them coming true, unless we role -played or got really inventive, either way, there was a bubble of what we could experience so you could fantasize about anything and knew that you could only achieve things within your two person self.  In my relationship norm, I know I can ask for the moon, and sometimes I can actually get it.  But I’m not always sure that I will want it.  Sometimes fantasies are just that, and I like them that way.  Locked away, safe, warm, and that pleasant smile they bring from time to time. 

But are these reasons valid that hold me back?  That keep my mouth shut, and trapped inside my head?  Maybe, it’s time to start actually exploring the fantasies, get a little brave, and who knows I might love exploring them.  I haven’t been disappointed yet in my adventures… Well there you have it, I feel more confident already and have written and sent a sexy little tease of an e-mail to my partner.  The beginnings of learning to better express myself and accepting that fantasies do not have to be big and scary.

Birthday Fantasies Stopped in the Making

With my 30th birthday being an inevitable reality, I have been looking into a little spice shall we say.  Just putting out some sexy feelers and perhaps starting my 30’s with a very fun night or two.  So far it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped, and with that said, I am running into some surprising roadblocks.  As I wrote in my last piece, I am always surprised that people encourage others to sleep with strangers.  I may be a little old fashioned in my thinking, but I prefer to get down and dirty with people I actually know, so there is accountability for safety, and feelings should they arise.  Now I am not saying that I sleep with all or even any of my friends, but a little conversation prior to is a must for me.

NoMoreWetSpot.com

Now here is the situation that had me almost rolling my eyes.  A guy that I have chit chatted with for a couple of months has a fantasy.  A fantasy very similar to the one linked here.  Now this is something that although I find pretty hot under the correct circumstances is not exactly what I had in mind for my 30th.  So I put out the feelers to see if the chick he is seeing would be interested in a foursome.  The reply was that he liked her, and that he would not be willing to share someone he liked, and if I wanted he could try and find someone else.  I have heard similar things said many times on the great big interweb, but never once have I actually encountered this in real life.  I suppose that I convinced myself that there is no sex negativity in the people I choose to associate with.  Or maybe that they would not be silly enough to admit these thoughts to me, knowing full well that I write this stuff down and share it!

 

The bottom line for me is that people who sleep together are not objects devoid of thoughts and feelings.  To exclude a person because you care about them just fundamentally seems wrong to me.  That is the very person that you should talk to about fantasies, about doing fun things together.  If they are not into it, that is perfectly fine, but they should not be excluded.  Does it not make more sense that your sex life be as exciting as possible with those you love and care about rather than reserved for strangers?  Why should we give up certain fun times just to be in a committed relationship?  I would much rather strive to have all good things, and not compromise, or allow myself to be compromised.
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Fantasies and Long Distance

Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship.   I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post.  But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well.  The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations.  And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do.  I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on.  Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy. 
Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on.  I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfillment with only a visual and the written word.  I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature.  I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory.  To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses.  But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work.  Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.
In a way I was right.  I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm.  It was very challenging at first.  And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before.  And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored.  I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before.  But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not.  They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex.  When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.
Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift.  One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring.  I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.  

When Fantasies Go Wrong

Good communication is key in dealing with fantasies and those fantasies that have gone wrong.  As I mentioned in my last post, I just do not think being lazy is an option when you are in a successful open relationship.  And by that I mean, it takes constant communicating and checking in to ensure that every one is on the same page and as happy as they can be.  Open relationships have a certain complexity, in that there is more than just one other person’s feelings and emotions to consider.  And more often than not the potential for error is stronger. Effectively communicating your fantasies and working together to create them is a wonderful thing.  To achieve this you need to be able to talk and really listen, but communicating for that target result is the real key.
The part that makes openness wonderful is the extra spice.  When a person seeks out that spice in whatever form, guess what, burning is possible (cheesy I know!).  Let me share a hypothetical here in order to better illustrate what I mean.  Let us imagine that one person in the relationship has a fantasy to see the other in a sexy and compromising position with some one outside of the relationship.  A few terms and conditions are discussed and then the dear sweet person races out to fulfill the fantasy.  When the partners reconnect after the little tryst and share the experience it comes to light that an aspect was missed.  The potential for a super sexy recounting of the previous evenings adventures just does not have the desired result.  In short the fantasy has actually failed and now the strength of the couples ability to communicate effectively reaches paramount importance.
The initial desire or gut reaction if you will, is to become emotional, jealous even.  Open or not, I think we can all agree our partners have once or twice push our bounds and made us uncomfortable.  When I was monogamous, the threat was for the other to sleep on the proverbial  couch.  There was the silent treatment, anger, yelling, a wave of horrible emotions that are almost uncontrollable.  As I said before, I was lazy in monogamy.  I did not practice how to fight or disagree, and more importantly, I did not practice resolutions.  Why?  Quite simply the stakes are different.  If someone screws up in monogamy it is more black and white, there are two sides to every argument.  In an open relationship there is a whole rainbow of possibilities.
If the goal is to find spice, to add more excitement and possibly more people, then the conversation loses its two sided nature.  It evolves into a discussion, and it is a discussion that the two main partners may come back to many times over.  Emotions therefor get discussed in a calm and rational manor, and in turn must get heard by the other and understood on a level so much deeper than just the normal reactionary desire to find a peaceful solution.  When you bring fantasies to light, you become vulnerable to a host of both positive and potentially negative situations.  I always hope for the best possible outcome, but I do take the time to mentally prepare myself in case something should go wrong.  I also have learned to trust my instincts, and when I feel a little overwhelmed I will speak up.  I will ask to slow down, take baby steps, and rebuild up my confidence.  If your communication with your partner is not at that level where you can discuss problems and issues with love, and trust in a resolution being met, then the risks involved in following through with a fantasy may be too high.   And that would really be a shame.