Expressing My Fantasies

I suppose after all this time writing a Sex and Open Relationship blog, I should touch on the subject of fantasies, after all, it is one of the few things that makes sense to people looking into non-monogamy.  The ability to actually live out a few of your fantasies or sexual desires within the ethics of your relationship is an amazing benefit.  When I had my first MFM, I could not stop blushing about it for weeks, maybe even months.  The ability to have such a hot experience with my partner, and be able to share the delightful aftershocks together is just an enormous turn on.  Even now, years later, I am blushing just writing about it.  But as I wrote before, talking about fantasies is surprisingly more difficult for me being open, than it was in monogamy Full disclosure, my aim in sharing the reasons why in more detail, are primarily selfish.  By writing about it, I want to explore why I still feel reluctance to share my fantasies with my partner.  By doing so, I want to fully understand my hesitation, become more confident, and leave behind my hangups behind me.  This tactic is why I started blogging in the first place and it has made a very positive impact on my emotional awareness and self improvement.  So here in no particular order are a few areas that I have been brainstorming over the past little while that may attribute to my lack of fantasy expression.
In my mind, I play out sexual fantasies all the time.  However, I have trouble articulating them to my partner due to the incredibly high level of involvement of the scene setting.  I plan the emotion, the meeting, the people involved and then the seduction (for an example), or the chance sexual tryst that occurs.  These sexy scenarios work for me, because of the emotional involvement I invest in the set up.  The creative juices get flowing as freely as my sexual imagination.  Maybe one day I will write out a few of them and test the waters with some fiction writing, but for now they are stuck in my head and they just give me great pleasure.  But as a result of the planning, I find it really difficult to tell the tale out loud with a partner.  So up until this point they have remained my internal porn channel, for my mind only and I haven’t been asked to share unless E is on vacation. 
With that being said, now that we are heavily invested in exploring couples and the lifestyle, the subject of fantasies is starting to come up with a little more frequency.  For example, a simple, what would you like to happen on the weekend with this new couple?  And it should be a sexy and straightforward reply on my part, and yet I struggle with an answer.  If I had ever come away from a sexual encounter with my partner and thought the words, “aw, I really wish such and such had happened, that would have made the experience so much hotter”, then maybe I would be better equipped to answer.  But the fact remains, I love sex with my partner, and I love the sexual adventures we go on.  I am not a lady who pines for something to happen.  Rather, an idea pops in my head and I either make it happen or I don’t.  I wanted to explore couples and lots of hands, and that is exactly what we are doing.  I walk away fully satisfied so I don’t always think to ask for more.  I get off pleasing other people, and knowing that they are pleasing me.  I just don’t struggle with having any needs met, so there is not a whole lot of necessity for a huge wants list.  Again, I am just working through all my thoughts on the subject and why I don’t express my fantasies.
Another point that I feel I should mention is that I have hated being let down by myself and others for so long that I rarely set myself up to fail.  I have pretty much removed failure from my life.  Every experience is a learning one, a building block, a new memory or hot adventure.  Nothing is a waste or a loss anymore.  I have had far to much of that in my young life, and have completely re-framed that side of my brain.  So having the confidence that I will thoroughly enjoy my new experience takes away a little bit of the need to set fantasy goals or expectations.  Does that make any sense? I guess what am saying is I enjoy the moment, and if I put too much expectation on someone else fulfilling a fantasy my focus might shift from thoroughly enjoying the experience to one that could open me up to disappointment?  But I suppose that is part of the charm of dating couples and not just swinging, if something doesn’t happen the first time, it is not like it will be the one and only.
And the final point that I think I need to reiterate from the linked post is that being in an open relationship, I sometimes feel like the safety blanket is gone.  In monogamy, I could freely express fantasies because there was almost no chance of them coming true, unless we role -played or got really inventive, either way, there was a bubble of what we could experience so you could fantasize about anything and knew that you could only achieve things within your two person self.  In my relationship norm, I know I can ask for the moon, and sometimes I can actually get it.  But I’m not always sure that I will want it.  Sometimes fantasies are just that, and I like them that way.  Locked away, safe, warm, and that pleasant smile they bring from time to time. 

But are these reasons valid that hold me back?  That keep my mouth shut, and trapped inside my head?  Maybe, it’s time to start actually exploring the fantasies, get a little brave, and who knows I might love exploring them.  I haven’t been disappointed yet in my adventures… Well there you have it, I feel more confident already and have written and sent a sexy little tease of an e-mail to my partner.  The beginnings of learning to better express myself and accepting that fantasies do not have to be big and scary.

Birthday Fantasies Stopped in the Making

With my 30th birthday being an inevitable reality, I have been looking into a little spice shall we say.  Just putting out some sexy feelers and perhaps starting my 30’s with a very fun night or two.  So far it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped, and with that said, I am running into some surprising roadblocks.  As I wrote in my last piece, I am always surprised that people encourage others to sleep with strangers.  I may be a little old fashioned in my thinking, but I prefer to get down and dirty with people I actually know, so there is accountability for safety, and feelings should they arise.  Now I am not saying that I sleep with all or even any of my friends, but a little conversation prior to is a must for me.

Now here is the situation that had me almost rolling my eyes.  A guy that I have chit chatted with for a couple of months has a fantasy.  A fantasy very similar to the one linked here.  Now this is something that although I find pretty hot under the correct circumstances is not exactly what I had in mind for my 30th.  So I put out the feelers to see if the chick he is seeing would be interested in a foursome.  The reply was that he liked her, and that he would not be willing to share someone he liked, and if I wanted he could try and find someone else.  I have heard similar things said many times on the great big interweb, but never once have I actually encountered this in real life.  I suppose that I convinced myself that there is no sex negativity in the people I choose to associate with.  Or maybe that they would not be silly enough to admit these thoughts to me, knowing full well that I write this stuff down and share it!


The bottom line for me is that people who sleep together are not objects devoid of thoughts and feelings.  To exclude a person because you care about them just fundamentally seems wrong to me.  That is the very person that you should talk to about fantasies, about doing fun things together.  If they are not into it, that is perfectly fine, but they should not be excluded.  Does it not make more sense that your sex life be as exciting as possible with those you love and care about rather than reserved for strangers?  Why should we give up certain fun times just to be in a committed relationship?  I would much rather strive to have all good things, and not compromise, or allow myself to be compromised.
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Fantasies and Long Distance

Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship.   I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post.  But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well.  The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations.  And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do.  I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on.  Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy. 
Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on.  I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfillment with only a visual and the written word.  I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature.  I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory.  To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses.  But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work.  Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.
In a way I was right.  I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm.  It was very challenging at first.  And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before.  And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored.  I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before.  But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not.  They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex.  When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.
Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift.  One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring.  I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.  

When Fantasies Go Wrong

Good communication is key in dealing with fantasies and those fantasies that have gone wrong.  As I mentioned in my last post, I just do not think being lazy is an option when you are in a successful open relationship.  And by that I mean, it takes constant communicating and checking in to ensure that every one is on the same page and as happy as they can be.  Open relationships have a certain complexity, in that there is more than just one other person’s feelings and emotions to consider.  And more often than not the potential for error is stronger. Effectively communicating your fantasies and working together to create them is a wonderful thing.  To achieve this you need to be able to talk and really listen, but communicating for that target result is the real key.
The part that makes openness wonderful is the extra spice.  When a person seeks out that spice in whatever form, guess what, burning is possible (cheesy I know!).  Let me share a hypothetical here in order to better illustrate what I mean.  Let us imagine that one person in the relationship has a fantasy to see the other in a sexy and compromising position with some one outside of the relationship.  A few terms and conditions are discussed and then the dear sweet person races out to fulfill the fantasy.  When the partners reconnect after the little tryst and share the experience it comes to light that an aspect was missed.  The potential for a super sexy recounting of the previous evenings adventures just does not have the desired result.  In short the fantasy has actually failed and now the strength of the couples ability to communicate effectively reaches paramount importance.
The initial desire or gut reaction if you will, is to become emotional, jealous even.  Open or not, I think we can all agree our partners have once or twice push our bounds and made us uncomfortable.  When I was monogamous, the threat was for the other to sleep on the proverbial  couch.  There was the silent treatment, anger, yelling, a wave of horrible emotions that are almost uncontrollable.  As I said before, I was lazy in monogamy.  I did not practice how to fight or disagree, and more importantly, I did not practice resolutions.  Why?  Quite simply the stakes are different.  If someone screws up in monogamy it is more black and white, there are two sides to every argument.  In an open relationship there is a whole rainbow of possibilities.
If the goal is to find spice, to add more excitement and possibly more people, then the conversation loses its two sided nature.  It evolves into a discussion, and it is a discussion that the two main partners may come back to many times over.  Emotions therefor get discussed in a calm and rational manor, and in turn must get heard by the other and understood on a level so much deeper than just the normal reactionary desire to find a peaceful solution.  When you bring fantasies to light, you become vulnerable to a host of both positive and potentially negative situations.  I always hope for the best possible outcome, but I do take the time to mentally prepare myself in case something should go wrong.  I also have learned to trust my instincts, and when I feel a little overwhelmed I will speak up.  I will ask to slow down, take baby steps, and rebuild up my confidence.  If your communication with your partner is not at that level where you can discuss problems and issues with love, and trust in a resolution being met, then the risks involved in following through with a fantasy may be too high.   And that would really be a shame.

Porn Makes it All Look So Easy (NSFW)

Pick your hottest scene in a porn flick, I am going to go with Cuckold/Hot wife porn for the sake of argument.  If you do not know what that is, please by all means add it to your list of viewing this evening, but I will briefly describe the scene I have in mind, hypothetically of course.  So the scene opens with a woman getting pounded by a very large cock.  Oh no, in walks her husband who is humiliated by the violation he is witnessing.  The large cocked guy continues to pound said woman in front of the husband who by this point is watching on the sidelines.  The woman yells at her husband that this is what a huge cock looks like, and that he is small by comparison.   Large cocked man cums inside the woman, and the husband is told to enjoy the sloppy seconds.  By the end everybody cums, and everyone’s fantasy comes true.
Why did I just write something so graphic here?  For the simple fact that there is so much that goes on behind the scene’s to make something like this actually work outside of a porn set.  For starters, every participant is a real human being with wants and needs.  How does one go about getting every participant on board?  Where does the first cock go after he cums?  Does he just go home, feeling rejected and used?  And how exactly do all parties get to the room?  Do you have a round of drinks first, work out all the details, and hope for the best?  I pay a lot of attention to detail, and it is important to me that everyone’s needs are taken care of.  Porn gives you a sneak peak into the fantasy, but it is exhausting trying to actually accomplish all required details so no one is left wanting or without a role.
It is wonderful to say, yes I want a threesome, but the actual mechanics of it, especially if you want to do it right and hope for more in the future, can be daunting.  I learned a very important lesson with my first ffm.  And that was quite simply that being drunk and having sex with two people is absolutely not my cup of tea.  I was left with horrible feelings, and insecurities for weeks afterwards, and the two people were good friends of mine.  But for me, booze took over my rational thought, and it was just a very messy situation.  It took a long time to rebuild those friendships that were really put onto rocky ground, and with the first hand learning I now take a lot of care and caution firstly towards my own feelings and those who are participating with me.  The people I know who have threesomes or moresome’s on a yearly basis or more always show respect for all parties involved.  Everyone gets a say, and the intent is to meet as many needs as possible.  Even if that means putting aside an O or two during, but taking the time to fulfill afterwards.  It is all about communication after all and always ensuring that people feel like they matter.
In the end, it can be hard work and an orchestrating nightmare, but the rewards are what drive us forward.  Force us to take risks, plow forward and fulfill our fantasies.  Porn makes it look really easy, and although it is not, those memories last a lifetime.