Embracing My Sex Appeal

I have a certain look, a dancers walk, a sex appeal, and a quiet confidence.  These are things I fought for a long time to accept as a part of me and in fact spent a great deal of time fighting.  In my youth, I yearned for people to respect me because of my intelligence, my wit, and what I rationalized as real substance versus the superficial that I couldn’t control.  I never wore make up, only dressed up for special occasions and aside from having a stellar shoe collection, I’m still just a jeans, flip flop and hoodie type of gal.  I like being comfortable, understated and I could go on and on about just how much thought went into ensuring I consistently look and feel low maintenance.

Not using my looks or demeanor was always re-enforced with my friendships with both men and women.  I really wanted to downplay being seen as a threat to keep the girlfriends from taking my male friends away.  Or getting jealous that I was included in guys nights.  If you’re a regular reader, you will know this is an ancient problem as I am no longer one of the guys.  And with the women, I didn’t want to constantly talk about how cute I looked or how well I wore such and such an outfit.  It made me feel like they were constantly comparing themselves to me, and I never wanted anyone to feel bad around me.

I fought my sex appeal for well over a decade.  I buried my femininity as best I could.  Being just “one of the guys”, or assuming I was on equal footing with my peers, these were all aspects I embraced about myself.  I downplayed the visual cues I have little control over to be taken seriously.  I’m sure a large part stemmed from hearing time and time again that the men in my family really wanted me to be a boy.  As the first grandchild, I was born to be a leader, to go off the beaten path and create a new life, and new identity.  This was drilled into me, and celebrated whenever I showed positive direction away from the norm.  I got people thinking, to see new perspective.  But I did it without the aid of my face, boobs, or thin figure.  In essence, what I did was make things harder for myself, a lesson I have recently discovered.

Now I find myself coming to terms with the fact that using my looks to get my foot in the door, to open someone up to conversation or simply to give a warm smile that makes someone else feel good is more of the person that I want to be.  I am starting to embrace a new norm, a new, and much more whole identity.  And that is not without its own set of bumps.  Why?  Because I have now had to work on learning the balance game between flirting to get something and going too far with sex appeal without the comfort blanket of being young and dumb (so to speak).  And it’s a game that has been difficult to teach myself and know where I actually want to take it.  To embrace a whole identity that includes my outsides, in a meaningful, and ethical way.

So here I sit, finding balance between sex appeal, and an articulate, whole woman with a mission to educate and teach others.  Understanding that sexy can exist without dismissing intelligence outright. It’s no longer my burden to worry about how other people perceive me.  Instead it’s my prerogative to be complete, whole, and amazing both inside and out.

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My Open Relationship Means I Am No Longer One of the Guys… And It Sucks.

Once upon a time, I would talk openly about my sex life, wants and desires with my male friends.  I would have a few beers and shoot the shit with my boys.  I would talk sex, and sex appeal like it was nothing.  Guys would discuss sexual frustrations and conquests in my company and I would join, make fun or commiserate with them.  It was normal, natural and comfortable for me, but that time seems like nothing but a fairy tale now.  Why did this behaviour change?  Because of my open relationship status.
I am no longer comfortable with the guys, and the only thing to have changed is that I am in an open relationship.  I’ve struggled with the loss of my male friends as I have mentioned in previous posts, and the unfortunate thing is, I cannot get any of the friendships with these particular men back.  The dynamic has shifted to one where, being monogamous with a man, gave me the right to talk about sex without my male companions taking things too far.  I had earned the freedom to speak my mind, in part because I was unattainable.  In an open relationship, I have lost that protection. 
Now, I cannot get through guys heads, that I am still unattainable to my friends.  I do not want to sleep with every man I see, and no my close male friends do not have a chance with me.  But in the back of their minds, there is a chance that I will cave and thus they misinterpret shooting the shit, as they have a chance.  It freaking sucks sometimes.  I used to love the freedom of expression that I got hanging out with guys, my real guy friends.  And I am not just one of those woman who was deluded into thinking that she was one of the guys, as I was.  I have been the only chick who attended guys nights more times than I can count.  And, I was usually welcomed by everyone there except my ex, though he warmed up to the idea after a while. 
I have tried so many times over the past few years to make male friends.  To state explicitly that we are only friends and to just treat me like one of the guys.  But the second they find out I am in an open relationship, BAM, friendship is over, and the hunt begins.  It gets exhausting for me to keep shooting guys down.  I feel like a pompous ass writing that, but that’s the truth.  I get hit on, all the freaking time, by guys who I would like to be able to trust and open up to.  The way I used.  The way they still do to me.  
But now, I just don’t enjoy being part of guys night.  Now, I feel like I have to be on guard.  That I have to watch what I say, because the last few times I have been out with the boys, it has ended in disaster.  One instance a guy started putting E down, by telling me that I could do so much better, and would if I was free of him, and E was in the same freaking room.  A tactic that actually almost ended two friendships instead of just the one.  And more recently, I started getting racy facebook messages from a guy that I am clearly not interested in, and have not made even the slightest hint that I am.  But, he reads my blog, and feels that he has every right to start flirting with me.  Is he thinking that I write it for him?  Or just not thinking long term at all because he enjoys the pictures?  I have no clue, other than that I have tried to shut that down a few times, but to no avail.   
So the takeaway seems to be that because I am open, I have a target on my back.  I am free for the picking.  That I don’t actually need friends, or good conversation, or even just a fun night of beer and shenanigans like I used to.  No, instead, you would rather try taking that less than 1% shot that you have a chance with me, and ensure that you don’t have a cool, fun chick that you can just hang out with. 
And seriously guys, you fucked up on this one.  You’re immature and thinking with your dicks!  And what’s more, my stories are much more interesting now. 

Dancing on the Bar, A Swing Club New Years Eve Story

In my early 20’s I used to frequent night clubs quite a bit.  One of my favorite things to do was to dance.  Every few weeks, my girlfriend and I would find our way to the DJ booth at a bar downtown and dance on top of it.  I would spend hours dancing.  A drink would last me almost the entire night and I would   wake up the next morning with burning thighs, from my killer workout in heels.  It turns out, that dancing on the bar at a swing club can be even more fun!
My past two New Years Eve’s have been spent in swinger clubs and this year was no exception.  We got all dolled up, and got to the club a little before 8 pm.  I will fast forward past all the amazing people watching, mingling and people watching we did.  Except to say a special thank you to the gorgeous, perfectly toned black man walking around with a Santa hat on his dick.  Umm… yes please, and thank you!  Ahem, just catching my breath, ok, back to my story.  Just before midnight we were mingling by the staff table and a woman asked if after midnight I would like to join her to dance on the bar.  Without hesitation I said yes.  We toasted the New Years with Champagne on the dance floor and moments later I was tapped on the shoulder and told they were ready for the dancers.
I think there were 4 of 5 us chosen, mostly regulars that the crowd knew and liked, and then me.  I quickly remember how much I love being up on the stage.  Dancing for mostly me, and grinding up there with the ladies around me, I had nothing but a short dress and an ear to ear grin.  We were chatting to each other in between dance moves and laughing and I for one was growing more aware of the crowd that had gathered.  E was front and centre, enjoying the show, and for my part I felt even more free to dance knowing he was so close by.  So here I am, chatting with this gorgeous woman beside me of Asian decent, grinding, and being my little flirtatious self when she asked me this question, “Can I take you panties off?”  To say I was shocked was a complete understatement.  I smiled, asked for clarification, and just kept dancing.  She asked again.  I looked back at her, then E, then back at her and may or may not have asked why?  Either way she waited until I must have said a firm yes, and proceeded to take off the panties from underneath my dress, right in front of the crowd as we danced on the bar.
The next thing I know, my dress was hiked up and I felt a tongue.  One of my few female experiences and it was completely public.  With my dress pulled up, everything is exposed and there is a woman I have never met, going down on me.  It was absolutely exhilarating.  And another first was about to happen.
I saw a man chat with E very briefly and then E asked me to bend down to chat with him.  Turns out a guy wanted to thank me for the show!  E pulled out $6 bucks that the guy had given him and I promptly pulled down my shirt so that he could insert the bills in the most logical place… my bra.  I had now officially made my first few bucks stripping!  I should mention that in this club, there is no reason to have cash on hand.  It is BYOB and there is food and amenities on hand, like condoms and lube.  So although the dollar amount may seem low, it was a token of appreciation.  One that I am beyond thankful for!  And of course the coffee that was purchased with that sweet, dirty money the next day.


The lovely lady who gave me such a wonderful experience chatted with me for a bit and then we went our separate ways.  It was quite beautiful, and I find myself thinking more and more about the experience.  I am not sure what this will mean for my dating future, but the cherry has been popped so to speak.  And I am looking forward to discovering what new adventures 2017 has waiting for me.
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If I Knew Then What I Know Now…

In my early adulthood I was in a monogamous relationship.  My boyfriend at the time was in a fraternity which had a house right across from where we all attended university, hence I was surrounded by a lot of men.  There were parties nearly every weekend there, and rarely was there an evening when you could not find someone who was willing to chill, or get obliterated with.  I have fond memories of those days, and many of the guys I have remained friends with to this day.  After reminiscing with a friend from those frat house days I really got to thinking about those long lost days.  The whole wish I could go back there, knowing what I know now, and do it all over again sentiment came up.  The thing about that is, I would be fearful of the trouble I would get into with my current knowledge, I don’t think I would be smarter, in fact I think I would have taken a lot more risks.
Let me set the scene a bit, I was surrounded by guys, pretty much daily.  I drank, swore, and partied with the best of them, and at times we got to see the worst of each other.  I was pretty much off limits though to anything more than the lightest of flirting.  I was part of the team, and had to have a few chats whereby I ensured that I was treated like one of the guys and not a chick available to bone.  Sex was completely off of the table, so I was comfortable just hanging out, making Jello shots, and drinking till dawn.  Sometimes I would have internal battles with myself whereby I wanted these guys to think I was sexy or good looking.  But every time that came up I would squash it, perhaps a part of me just did not trust myself.  Either way, I was sexually a very good girl considering all the opportunities that I could have pursued. 
But now looking back, knowing what I know now, I would not have been such a good girl.  I would have taken more risks, I would have flirted with opportunities and I most definitely would have done a whole heck of lot more sexual exploration.  Is that not what University is supposed to be about?  I am not sure if I would have had the mental maturity at the time to deal with everything that could have come up, so I am glad that things ended the way they did.  But I do envy some of the ladies who took advantage of the people and circumstances that this house provided.  Like I said, I was just not allowed to be sexualized there, and so unless someone was new in the house and did not know who I was, I rarely got flirted with or treated like a female.  It was an odd thing to come to terms with.  I guess if I really think about it, that could be why I stuck with D so long.  He was the only one to really pay me any sexual attention.  I was isolated from outside flirting.
I would never give up my potentially lifelong friends for what would have been an awkward one night stand, or inappropriate flirting.  However if I was able to go back in time, well there would have been temptation, and I would have absolutely learned how to flirt earlier.  I would have taken advantage of situations and made my mistakes with my peers all in the name of fun and adventure.   On the other hand perhaps there is truth in the rumors that no guy touched me because they believed I was underage when I first started hanging around.  And if that’s the case then I have misread all the years  that have passed since those party days.  But truthfully, I would have been a handful if I was who I am now with that house, so no regrets about what I know now.  

Walking the Fine Line

No means no means no.  Sounds simple enough, however it is unbelievable how often I have to repeat myself and say no.  I like to think of myself as pretty sex positive, and I try to share what I have learned over the course of time, that being said the biggest learning curve is often found when things go wrong.  I constantly convince myself that woman can be completely platonic with men and build really amazing friendships.  Sometimes these friendships turn sexual, but often the friendship is formed out of a mutual respect whereby if one party says no that is the end of that and the friendship can continue on its journey.  Unfortunately I have a bit of a short fuse when I am put in a position whereby I have to repeat myself to the point of being rude, at this point the friendship is sinking vessel.
I do not mind when a male friend tells me I am good looking as flattery is awesome and I openly applaud things that are awesome.  But I am also incredibly choosy, I am open with my sexuality and my views on relationships but that does not translate into an invitation to sleep with all of my male friends.  The biggest reason for not wanting the men in my life to continuously try to hit on me is a selfish one, and that is that I hate having to put my friends in their places.  It makes me feel horrible when I have to flash that bitchy, and cruel side to the people I care about.  I understand the difficulties men and women alike face, as the chances not taken are wasted opportunities, and for that I will always be respectful the first approach, and often the second.  But when I have to say no a third time, well my inner bitch shows her true colours.
It is a fine line, and I appreciate that, it is one that I have walked more than once.  That decision to take a chance on a friendship being more than just platonic, knowing full well that the friendship may never quite be the same afterwards.  Or that I may lose having that person in my life for a long time after a chance encounter, those are very real risks.  But if I am turned down once, I do not take it upon myself to push and push until the friendship is unsalvageable.  The thing I have learned is that these things do take two mutually willing and able individuals in order to progress into something more.  If one party is not on the same page, take a kind no and back off.  Make it easier for people to be more sex positive and open rather than making it uncomfortable or placing negativity on a freeing situation.  Try to make a healthy and open environment for a bit of playful flirting and teasing, but remember to always listen when a person says no.  If we are heard the first time, it makes it a little easier for us to say exactly what we want and do not want.  It is a two way street in the game of wants and needs, as I have written before where woman have learned to be coy, so respect us when we try and break this ingrained habit.