Category: Foursomes

Hookups, FWB, and Non-Monogamy

    K Ghislaine
Hookups, FWB, and Non-monogamy

I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.

Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.

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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).

 My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.

Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!

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Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

    K Ghislaine

A look into why I hate the hookup culture

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging
Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

Here’s the post that I am positive is going to have my readers and followers drop right off, but I need to say it.  I hate the hookup culture.  I hated it when I was single.  I hated it when I was trying to date single guys when I was in an open relationship and I really struggle with it while trying to date couples off of swinging websites.  In my last post, I wrote about how chemistry is key, and I want to take that a step further now.  While I fully admit, that I can turn off the emotional connection for a totally delicious yummy 10, the reality is, they are so few and far between that it’s almost not even worth mentioning.

I have in fact hooked up with a cop, simply because of his position of power, his body type, and the fantasy I had about who he represented for my past and future spank bank and carelessly threw out the window any and all conversation.  Yes, I am capable of doing this.  But, I mean, for me, all the work it took to engage him in a sexual one-time tryst just wasn’t worth it.  I mean, I am glad I did it.  But the repeatability factor of all the time and energy just for the one hour or so, it exhausts me just to think about.  And the reason I mention this fact at all, is that many studies say that women have a much harder time reaching sexual satisfaction if there is zero emotional connection.  And for the matter of this post, that is not the reason I dislike hookups.  Not orgasming has never been my issue.  Instead, it is the quality and the time factor that really are the keys here, especially as I get older (wiser).

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Ok, let’s get back to the topic of hookup culture, which I sense is something that people equate swinging with, people including me.  I do, in fact believe that many swingers are just looking to hook-up for one evening and never talk to the people they slept with again.  There is an excitement and rush to that, so I would be wrong to say that I hate that aspect of things.  What I am struggling with is the expectation of just hookups.  The, all dressed up, so you might as well fuck me, mentality that many seem to have.  Or the couples you chat with online who want a guarantee of action before they will commit to meeting for drinks.  That’s just not my style.  Sex is not, and should not be the expectation or a sure thing.  Even typing that I cringe.  And yet, when chatting with people on swingers sites, I find that this is very much the case.

So maybe I shouldn’t look to swinger sites to find couples then right?  When the dating pool is this small, you go where the people are.  And yes, we have found a lot of people, just like us, navigating these murky waters looking for a fit.  I see constantly posts about people who are in-between swinging and poly.  They have no label, and no specific place to find people.  So they do what we do, cast their lines out in hopes to get a nibble.  I do wish that I could attend a non-monogamous beer hall, where all the people there have one thing in common, being non-monogamous.  I think that would be an amazing thing to start trending.  But, as that will take time, work, and a catchy name, for now we are left with munches, and swinger parties.  These are not a perfect fit, but they are a start.

And well, the bottom line is, I want to get to know people.  And beyond that, I love the idea that my partner and I could sleep with them too.  And even better, that we could do it on a semi-regular basis, and hang out, and share our celebrations and be a part of each other’s lives.  That’s what I desire in people.  I want more than just their bodies or a quick orgasm.  I want the whole person, the entire couple, the formation of a foursome, or even moresomes.  I want it all.  I want more than just a hookup!

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Chemistry is Key… The Couples Quest Continues

    K Ghislaine

Attraction matters, and is often out of our control.

Sad flamingo when the chemistry isn't there.
Chemistry is Key, Poor Flamingo

I started writing this post a few days ago in full story mode.  I plotted out all the details of our first couples date in quite a while, sparing few details of the getting ready, meeting, and the unfortunate conclusion that we came to after an hour or so of conversation.  My intention was to share with you our real life account of what dating couples is actually like, but this morning my fierce editing pen took hold and scrapped the whole idea.  Whether you are monogamous or not, you are fully aware of what happens when you meet someone for drinks and there is just zero chemistry.  I felt that I brought nothing to the table by sharing just one more lackluster date.  So, I began again, with a new focus, chemistry.

So often you have a gut reaction to a person that is far beyond your control.  You are either attracted to them, or you’re not, the chemical reaction of attraction.  I have read quite a few books as of late that talk about that chemistry, Do Gentleman Really Prefer Blonds? and The Natural History of Love to name a few, and they all conclude the same thing, chemistry is out of our conscious control.  Ok, fine, let’s trust the experts on this one.  But if it’s out of our control, then that means trying to find couples that we are attracted to, and want to become physical with becomes a numbers game.  The overwhelming variables that have to line up between 4 people becomes astronomically complex.  So complex in fact, that the headspace I need to be in to even attempt it, is a feat in of itself.  So here I sit, puzzled, and a little overwhelmed by it all.  People and relationships are complex and unique and a big part of what really attracts me to this non-monogamous lifestyle.

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But in order to get to the fun part, and build connections with people I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the initial process.  I have to take a page out of my partners book and start playing the initial numbers game.  I have to take a risk, and play the odds.  Just go out on a whole bunch of dates.  It’s time to lower the extremely high standards I have and filters that I have so meticulously put in place and just start having some fun meeting new people.  The downsides to this way of thinking of course is the money, scheduling, and time investment.  But if I really think about that, the experience of it all should outweigh the initial sting of just getting out there and being social.  Who cares if on paper the couple doesn’t seem to be a long term fit.  Maybe, just maybe they will surprize me and an amazing opportunity will arise.  Perhaps playing the numbers game, we will find ourselves exposed to new ways of thinking, new groups and a few really sexy adventures. 

If I am trying to shift my focus from the magnitude of the situation and break it down into a numbers games, I might end up in a place whereby I am not emotional about it, just practical.  And the only way to make this numbers game a viable option is to boil the whole thing down to one common denominator, is there any chemistry?  Going out into the wild, with a commonality, having some fun in an attempt to asses if there chemistry with strangers.  If there is a spark the possibilities are endless.  And if there isn’t, we finish our beers and move to the next opportunity.  So, there I have it, the breaking down of the couples quest and the over whelming magnitude of it all into one bite sized and achievable test, is their a spark?  Now to begin the messages… stay tuned.

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A Foursome in the Woods Sounded Like Such a Hot Idea

    K Ghislaine
Camping in the Woods…

And yet this was probably not one of my most well thought out plans.  The fantasy of being in a secluded campground, four people, naked and sweaty in a tent made for 8, I had all the ingredients for sexy times ahead.  We had the whole thing planned, hike in the mountains, then throw some disk golf and finish the flirting with a bbq and some beers.  The tent filled with air mattresses and pillows would look so inviting that things should start picking up right after a few bites.  I even considered that because we were already hot and sweaty from being outdoors, that the smooth transition to the tent activities would be even easier.  And I was so wrong!

It’s funny how being hot and sweaty with your partner can be a huge turn-on, but expecting the same from 2 new people that you have not yet seen naked, well not so much. You see, it brings out a bunch of insecurities and awkwardness.  And for me, the biggest turn off, is the smells.  The last thing I want to think about when getting it on with a new person is “Eep! I am not fresh as a daisy”. I don’t want to have to pull a hand away from an area, or prevent a face from going down, because I cannot honestly remember the last time I scrubbed.  Or the prickles.  I stopped waxing years ago, so I am at the mercy of a razor, and now I have 2 days maximum without a quick trim.  And without it that stubble is rough! There is something so seductive about sliding a hand on a smooth leg, rather than a prickly minefield that may or may not be caked on with bug spray.

Speaking of bugs, have any of you had the pleasure of a mosquito bite in your butt crack?  Well I do now.  It’s one of the dangers of peeing in the woods as a girl I suppose.  The pants have to come down far enough to expose the tushie and long enough that those little brats can be in and out before your even finished peeing.  I can only imagine that conversation.  A new hand exploring all the little cracks and crevices of your body and then a hand runs over what should be a smooth area, and boom, not only do they feel an unexpected bump that you assured them shouldn’t be there, but now you have to stop things to scratch.  Yup, in the middle of foreplay, you pause and are just laying there scratching your butt.  What a turn on!

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Yes, we did originally plan on heading to the showers right after disk golf to freshen up. But camping has a mind of its own.  We all decided to skip the disk golf and go straight for the BBQ.  You are relaxed, want to do as little driving as possible and quite honestly once the first beer can is opened it becomes rather difficult to say, “let’s all stop at one, so we are sober enough to drive 20 minutes away to hop in the showers”.  And then drive all the way back to the camp ground to resume the flirting.  Everything seems like it is in slow motion, that you have all the time in the world, and you just enjoy the moment.  You forget responsibilities like pets waiting at home, water intake and of course hygiene.

So here I was, thinking about the view, the seclusion and the amazing sex in the woods story that would result from inviting a new couple to meet us for some camping fun.  But instead, we just had the vanilla camping experience. We all laughed, drank some beer and agreed to reschedule in the city, at their home, after we were all showered, shaved and smelling our best.  Here’s hoping a much hotter story will be coming out soon…

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Vanilla Reality Check

    K Ghislaine

Every so often I catch you thinking about yourself as this
passionate yet vanilla type person who aims to please those around you. It is
time to stop it, wake up and embrace who you have become on a more regular
basis. Don’t get me wrong, I know how far you have come. I know who you were,
what you have been through and milestones you have already crossed over like a
champ. But you are not owning who you are on a day to day basis.

I know that you thought to yourself, if I get more power and
confidence in my work place that will bring my life together in a beautiful
symphony, rich with harmony that you desire. And well, time is up. You have
attained what you needed at work. You have your validation. Your last hurdle
you set for yourself in the way of self improvement has been made. Now it is
time to leave the excuses outside. To embrace life, to enjoy who you are, with
your amazing partner.

The time to revert back to that vanilla mentality is over.
You are far from that monogamous wallflower that you were in your youth. You
have thoroughly enjoyed threesomes, experimented with a few foursomes and even
explored swinger club or two. These are not just notches on your belt. This is
who you are. The explorer. The pusher of boundaries, that only child who hates
the word no, and wants to explore that world full of yes with the confidence
that has been earned through hard work and self exploration.

Vanilla is not bad. It just isn’t who you are. Maybe it
never was, and you were living in fear. But you are not anymore. 2016 has come
with countless challenges and there are more on their way. You have come this
far, and you are not giving up. You are living. You are present. And you are
breaking those societal norms one item at a time. Because that is who you are.
It is who you enjoy being. And baby, you deserve it.

 

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