Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

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In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

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Beware of the Nice Guy

The Only Nice Guy I Trust!

I can be an intense, and passionate person.  I articulate my thoughts and feelings in a way that for most new people in my life seems attractive, confident, and refreshing.  I approach people and their relationships in a thoughtful, attentive, and what comes across as a well-balanced way that gives off the impression that it just comes naturally to me.  The truth is, it took me decades to reach this point.  To understand myself, and articulate my thoughts and feelings in such a way that I know exactly when to ask for a hug, ask for space, or just break down and say I have no idea what I need and require help or support. 

Now, having this personality is refreshing to people.  I blossom in one on one conversations, and usually, I can get a persons life story or deepest secrets within a first meeting.  And the range of people I meet this way is fascinating and incredible.  But for purposes of this post, I need to shed light on a specific personality type that has plagued me, over and over again, the nice guy.

When I meet a nice guy I usually steer clear of them, because I will admit, I know the pattern our friendship will take, and I never like the final outcome.  First, we will become super fast friends.  He will feel an incredible high knowing I shared something intimate about my life, and will cling onto that.  He will share, what he feels is similar information and create this overly powerful bond in his head.  Instead of feeling that we are equals, he will start to idolize or fantasize that what we have is special and unique.  And it is.  But… there is a catch.  Men like this, do not recognize that the are getting a high from this.  And that they crave this feeling of being special.  So they start asking more intimate questions.  They start to delve deeper into your world, in an almost invasive way.  Not out of malice but to re-play that initial feeling.  And they poke, and prod into your relationship looking for cracks and dirt so that they can “return the favor” and help you solve some monumental moment in your life.

They, in short, feed off of your negative situation and crave it more and more.  They want to feel special, and the problem is that it is not in your accomplishments but in your failures.  That’s where their emotional boost comes through most strongly.  That’s the role they have found in your life, and the experience that they want to relive. 

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Now, as I mentioned, I avoid these people whenever possible because the reality for me, is I hate having the confrontations with these people.  A few more noteworthy ones include, telling a guy exactly what he has been doing and watching him just melt.  It was gut wrenching and I couldn’t handle it.  Or the guy who got so angry that he called me a tease, and bitch, and well… it got really messy.  Then there was the guy that I tried to coach and deal with more gently.  For this particular guy I ended up having to finally end the friendship because I got so sick and tired of calling out his bad behaviour because he was incapable of breaking this cycle.  And the more I write these the reactions the more I solidify why I just am not equipped to handle this personality type.  It’s icky for me, and I would rather just close the door from the onset.

But, here I sit, realizing that there are situations that I cannot avoid.  Co-workers, mutual friends, and the worst of them all, the men who I thought were normal friends, but see opportunity in something I shared and basically preditorially pounce, thereby changing the entire relationship dynamic, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, feigning as the nice guy to get closer to me. 

So, let me be clear, I believe that the majority of people can change their behaviour once they recognize it for what it is and actually see value in overcoming it.  I’m an optimist and do see overall good in individuals.  From what I have seen, people are mostly devastated when I point out this energy cycle to them, and honestly, I don’t enjoy crushing people like that, because I do not have the energy, expertise, or drive to help anyone like this fix themselves.  This is a hard limit for me.  And why, whenever I have full control, I give a hard NOPE to this particular negative thriving person (again, I know it’s not on purpose, but that doesn’t make it better!).  So, what then do I do with the unavoidable nice guys?  What do I say to them?  Why do I constantly have to be clear, put them in their place, or worse, re draw lines in our friendship to ensure I don’t become prey to their need to “just help me”?  I am not someone who wants pity.  I just want equality in my friendships and authentic communication.  I want to be free to vent about another person in my life without having a reaction of judgment, and the horrible “if I were you” or the life draining sentiment of “ I would never treat you like that”.

Can we just be there for each other during the rough times, and build each other up on the day to day?  Can we find a way to communicate without putting others down?  Or better yet, realize that humans have a great capacity to hold more than one soul dear in their lives.  We don’t need to always vie for that one coveted spot of primary or best friend, or any other of these titles.  Just be a good friend, a good person, and stop the cycle of feeding off of negativity!

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The Friendzone is Bullshit!

Body language matters and the friendzone is bullshit!

I have toyed with a post explaining why I believe the word friendzone is bullshit for over 5 years.  I have outlines, ideas, and just random thoughts peppering my work in progress document and nothing I wrote ever could quite get past the whole “I don’t like the label and it’s implications”.  Until recently, I felt writing this post would be irresponsible and give people the wrong impression about me (by that I mean, I didn’t want men who felt they were in the friendzone to start pushing boundaries). But I write this now because there is something bubbling beneath the surface of the word that I think needs to be addressed here.  With a few beers in me, I wrote this in reply to a comment on my Predators blog post: I have tried numerous times to write a post on the friendzone, however I stop myself in light of this very context. Until there is a clear understanding of consent, and boundaries, there are certain men that should just stay believing in the friendzone for the sake of the women they are in essence pushing boundaries with…. OK, maybe this should turn into a post.

Any guesses where I am going with this yet?  The friendzone is a word, that I have always felt, was a copout.  We use it to place a person who we may or make not actually like, but definitely do not want anything physical to happen with (at that particular moment).  And as we are still trying to figure out what role they play in our lives, we relegate them into this so called “friendzone”.  The implications of that zone, are that the person will take the hint, and therefor understand that they are to stop being flirty, or expect that the person who placed them there will ever sleep with them.  Basically, it’s code for “just give up already”. 

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So, there are two parts that I will touch on here to explain why I think the friendzone is bullshit

The first, is why do we allow, or even encourage people to place labels like this on other human beings.  It’s often cruel.  If a person likes you, man up, and have the conversation that says you are tired of them doing such and such behaviour, and would like it to stop for the friendship to continue.  Then set a clear expectation, for example, this is what will happen if you don’t.  Off the top of my head you could threaten that the friendship will be over if they continue to push your boundaries.  Of you could simply state where you are at in the moment and call out the persons bad behaviour as it happens.

Perhaps you would like an example from my colourful past?  Ok, here is a little story time…Once upon a time when I was in a long term monogamous relationship, I had a friend who would constantly try to buy me drinks, text me cute pet names, and when he got drunk he would meow at me.  I really appreciated all the free stuff I was getting, and when we texted it was playful, it was fun, and quite flattering being on someone’s mind like that.  However, when he got drunk, he repeatedly tried to cross the line, would hold his hugs just a little too long, and the weird meowing turned into this creepy cat-like howl. To be clear I had zero attraction for him, and was in a completely monogamous relationship that he was fully aware of.  He was a teddy bear in the day time with whom I always hugged when I saw him, was a great listener, and overall I loved the boost he gave my ego.  So, I, without realizing it, was letting him ride in that weird friendzone territory, while I sorted out my feelings and tried to rationalize where he was in my life. 

But then, I grew up.  Ok, the truth was, I got sick and tired of his drunken behaviour and watched it start to spill into our sober text messages.  So, I gave him a choice.  Either stop crossing the line with me when you’re drunk and allow me to trust you 100% of the time, or you will not be in my life.  And guess what?  After two strikes, he was no longer in my life.  I won’t lie, I missed the attention, but ultimately, the ego boost just wasn’t worth having someone like that in my life.

Ok, so now let’s talk about the other side of it.  Why people find themselves in the friendzone.  I’m not going to mince words here, if you have ever found yourself in the friendzone it is because you do not have the social skills to handle the situation that you are in and you are the problem.  See what I did there?  I told you what was wrong in a direct manor.  Let me explain, if you’re sitting there, shell shocked, or feeling like you want to start defending yourself, take pause and hear me out.  If you are attracted to someone, and the feelings are not returned in the same manor that you are wishing they would, there are a few things going on.  First, you have picked a target way out of your league and you are either too shy, under confident, or socially awkward to overcome that hurdle so you tell yourself, just being close to this person is enough.  Guess what? It’s not, it’s weird, and you need to start learning how to build your confidence. 

Second, you have this person in your life who keeps telling you no, but you have decided, that they are wrong, and you are going to keep trying.  Guess what?  That makes you an asshole and you have violated the whole consent thing.  Maybe this person is just being too nice, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or is just genuinely trying to figure things out.  That shouldn’t matter to you though. If you hear the word no, it’s time to back off immediately.  Perhaps they will miss you, and come around.  Or more likely, they will realize their gut was right, and they just were one of those genuinely amazing souls who are nice to everyone, and are so relieved that they don’t have to feel awkward around you anymore.  Either way, respect the word no, and back off!

The friendzone is not healthy, for anyone.  The friendzone is a bullshit place to be, and equally to put someone in while you figure things out.  I propose that we remove this silly label from our vocabulary and start actually communicating with people.  You don’t have to use black and white labels.  We are blessed with a whole range of words, body language, and clear methods of expressing ourselves.  So, start building those skills.  And did you know that you can always change your mind about a person too?  If you tell a person you aren’t into them, and then realize you were wrong you can go and talk to them and share your feelings?  Crazy, I know!  But it’s far better than playing this whole in the friendzone, out of the friendzone charade.  So take these new and improved communication skills you have learned here, and go have meaningful conversations with people you like.  And always remember, if they say no, for the love of everything, respect that, and do NOT keep trying!

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