This year, I am alone for Christmas. Did I arrive here by choice, circumstance, or simply a series of ill-timed events, it’s difficult to say. But, the end result remains the same, me, spending the entire day of Christmas, on my own. Earlier this year, I felt empowered to travel by myself. To prove that I could pretty much do anything I put my mind to, but my solo Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with pride, and everything to do with self-preservation.
2021, pretty much kept giving me gifts that I did not want. From ghoster’s (why the hell were their multiple of those???), to energy vampires, to health issues (not mine thankfully, but of a person who has played a major role in my life), and let us not forget grief (losing not one, but two inspirational woman was a bit much). And yet, here I sit, typing this out with my metal Christmas playlist, feeling a strange sense of hope for the new year.
Sure, I have spent the last two or three days crying every few moments that I am alone with my thoughts. And I anticipate that Christmas Day will be ripe with tears, a lot of self-reflection, and meditation. But, there will be a specific aim, to let the year go. To take the time to forgive those who wished to do harm, and celebrate all the incredible souls who stepped up, and made me feel loved. There were a lot of people who showed their true colours over the pandemic, for better and for worse. I can only hope that the worst ones are gone from my world. Le sigh… it’s been a year.
There is another reason it feels appropriate to be alone for this day of green and red, and that is, Christmas is a holiday to spend with your nearest and dearest. Christmas is the holiday of love. And we are inundated with stories of caution, warning us that Christmas heartache will turn us into Scrooge or The Grinch. And quite frankly, I just cannot risk tempting fate in that way. I would rather be by myself, than take a risk of being with someone who could potentially spoil this season for me permanently! And truly, with my lack of luck this year, that is exactly what would happen!
For the next few days, I’m going to fly quietly under the radar. I won’t be putting myself out there. There will be zero risk taking (which if you know me is not my norm). And if all goes well, there will be zero new stories of my random, and strange life. I will attempt to understand, reflect, and maybe jot down some stories, rather than spend any more energy making new memories. This solo Christmas is a choice I hope I never have to make again. But, it is a choice, that I am making, with intent and purpose.
I wish each of you out there the happiest of holidays, and all the warmest wishes for an absolutely incredible new year! Peace, love, and happiness for 2022. And of course, the hugest thanks to everyone who kept the beer money flowing during 2021 via my Patreon.
Getting my shit together has been hard work. And in the last year of my life, I pushed through some really difficult things, including budgeting, accepting singledom (and the fact that this time around ghosting is everywhere), and basically forcing myself into a new writing routine. With all that said, my 38th year, I am dubbing the year of the flamingo. Which I love because it is the most unique, awkward, and interesting creature, thus my spirit animal. Embracing my inner flamingo has been an experience, and while I am not claiming to be an expert on this majestic bird, I do share a lot of traits with it. Or maybe I don’t, and just love the look of them. Either way, it’s fine.
As a very young child, I remember spending hours standing in my grandmother’s kitchen posing like a flamingo. I have no idea where this behavior came from, or for how many years I would do this. What I do know is that the memory makes me smile, recalling me in my youth, just balancing in a way that made me happy. Zero flocks given! Haha.
Now, more than ever, I need that mentality to run through me. I have written a few posts, some shared, some not published yet about embracing that I feel better with a partner. With a man in my life, I can take over the world, but alone, I only feel this about half the time, or sometimes less. Sure, I get confident bursts and moments, but then I get lonely and recall that I am missing intimacy. The thoughts of inadequacy, or being too overwhelming for certain people, or that nagging voice that says I expect too much. There we go, that brings on the tears. I don’t want to be that intimidating person. Instead, I want to be warm and fuzzy, and yet… I am that flamingo. Standing alone, in a group of thousands. That’s me. Bold, pink, and largely mysterious.
I want to be less mysterious to a few souls this 38th year of life, but, who knows what the world actually has in store for me. While embracing my own emotions has been rewarding, and calling emotions valid has helped, I do truly want partnership. I hope though that love will appear a few times this year, and maybe not end in heartache? Perhaps? Maybe… pretty please universe?
Did you know that the #SexPositive30Days is currently going on via Twitter? Join in, like, share, or tell a friend. Participate for a day or the whole 30 days of October!
There is something I have never felt comfortable talking about, and that is all the times I let my heart get lost to lust, before finding the person I can’t wait to introduce to all my friends. And that is the restless place I find myself in now. I enjoy falling in lust because it can quickly turn into something long lasting. It’s so fun to lose myself to a person, and feel them lose themselves in me for a few moments in time and space. The chasing butterflies is something I written frequently about, and has been one of the biggest joys in my non-monogamous exploration.
But now, I want to briefly describe where I’m currently at, a place in time where I get so excited about a few good men, race to tell all my friends, and then have them disappear or things just not work out. I catch myself feeling a bit crazy, for providing my dearest with a long list of people they have to sort out in their minds, as my heart just happily flutters about. And then boom, is miserable in the wake of loneliness. It’s a real roller-coaster. And, I am not 100 percent sure how most people deal with this.
I am unique in my openness and honesty. So perhaps this is simply a bi-product that my friends have to get used to with me until I meet someone who will be still with me. Or maybe, this is why people tend to disappear when they are single and free, because there is just too much going on at the same time to make heads or tails of? Or is it just me again? Do people not date the way I do? With a heavy vetting process that by the time we actually meet, I am fairly confident that we are going to at least make it a few dates in before the fizzle or ghosting occurs?
Processing this is tough. And as none of my nearest and dearest are currently single, I feel like I am navigating alone… again. Restlessness is a key tenant of mine. When I see something, I like, I go for it. I am all in, and bundle of energy. And let me tell you, that when the sex is great, I am even more intense and have to remind myself to relax and enjoy the happy ride. It’s a feeling I am used to being a morning person in a world of night owls. My chipper, conquer the world mentality at dawn, does not bode well for… well anyone in my life but my dog. He loves me for it! And I am used to taking it down a notch for the sanity of those around me. The answer may lie in extending this same thing when it comes to my dating life. But damn it, some people just get me so excited.
If you follow me on Twitter (NSWF), you may have noticed a tweet or two in regards to this this silly experiment I am trying out called, shut off my brain and let my heart decide for a while. It has been… interesting to say the least. I am currently completely head over heels and happy with the kind soul who needs a little time and space. My heart, and body (if I am completely honest) will not let me entertain even the most gorgeous of men into my consciousness right now. I am being held hostage by my heart, and well, it’s something new to experience. But again, how do I properly explain to my besties that I am simply going for a ride right now. That I am putting my normal calm, rational demeaner on the back burner? Especially to those that just want me to be happy!
All I can say is, this is a post with no answer. A good ole fashioned blog post with musings and putting out into the universe that I definitely do not have all the answers. I’m helpless to time, space, and my heart right now. It’s chosen, and… that’s clearly that. Ooph. Let the roller-coaster of life continue I suppose.
Thank you all who have provided me with a little liquid encouragement via my Patreon! I promise you it is going to a good cause, and I hope to provide a book update very soon!!!
There is something that I’ve been doing lately, it’s driving me nuts, and proving to be a much harder habit to break than I could have imagined. And that is uttering the words “I give” when it comes to the men coming in and out of my life. The frustration I feel with men, is growing into resentment, and actually creating an alter ego in me, far removed from my core value of never giving up on people. I am loyal, almost to the point of fault. That being said, the growing disappointment in men just not owning their shit, or being honest and telling me there is a problem, or just plain old breaking up with me is making me jaded. This year I was full on ghosted after a few months of dating, and then I had one of closest male friends just up and stop responding to my texts. And please don’t get me started on the 2 or 3 dates and done guys.
Look, I am a realist, and recognize that it’s going to take a while to find somebody I want to settle down with, but sheesh… can we not just have some fun first? And when the fun is not there, simply own your feelings and tell me! Crazy fun fact, did you know you can tell a person that you’re not sure what you’re feeling and if you see a future? Did you know that you can simply be honest that you don’t know where you’re at in life? Or more to the point, just tell me whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, and the allow me the courtesy of closure or at the very least not guessing? Wanna break the old adage of women having to be mind readers? Why not just be honest!?!
I know breakups suck. Being broken up with and then realizing that you will still be living with the person who broke your heart is a real thing I have experienced. Or that “fun” time, I broke up with a guy, and my then partner still wanted to date his wife. Talk about awkward situation, but, we all talked it through and made the best decisions we could. Or how about the time I ended an engagement? Seriously, I understand the pain involved in the discussions that things aren’t working for whatever reason. But you know what’s actually worse? The not knowing. When someone just walks away and doesn’t even say goodbye. Or the person who just won’t admit to themselves or to others what they are really feeling. And let us not forget the person who was terrified of falling in love with me, so just up and left. Le sigh…
So here I sit, trying to find some way of removing the “I give” from my vocabulary when men do, what men have been doing to me for far too long. It’s a struggle. And that hope that someday, I won’t feel this way is faltering more times than I want to admit. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up, however, no one seems to want to step up and be worthy of my time and affection. With this revelation, I know why I’m struggling to replace I give… because there isn’t anything to replace it with. I am exhausted. And I am tired of feeling hopeful, and then being faced with the stark nothingness of it all, because I don’t even get goodbyes. So, I guess I have to stop fighting this, and just accept, that currently, I don’t have anything to give. End RANT!
Thank you to everyone who has supplied me with beer money during this difficult dating journey via my Patreon!