I’m sure I have touched on this topic before, but in light of a recent conversation on the Hunter Gash and Alley Cat show (Which you should check out at GTFO if you’re 18 or older) I feel it deserves another look. When E and I decided to look for couples to date together, I went into it with rose coloured glasses. In short, I was optimistic and naive. I honestly thought that amazing people would attract each other and that finding couples would be easier than finding new singles as a result. I thought that all you would need to do was vet one person, and then naturally they would bring to the table their equally amazing partner, just as I was doing. We would all get together for drinks, and laugh, share stories, and sexy times would inevitably be the result.
Yes, I went into this whole thing believing that finding couples would be simple. I never considered opposites attract. Nor did I ponder just how one sided many relationships are when it comes to entering into non monogamy. I foolishly assumed that if two people were ready to head out on a date, that they would have put the same level of work into their relationship that my partner and I had. That they would be confident (after the nerves of the first meeting wore off), and sure of what they wanted. Oh, and I thought that as couples this would eliminate all the ghosting, bread-crumbing and they would be serious, AKA not time wasters. It after all takes work to schedule 4 people, and that investment alone should mean that we are all willing and able. Hence, when we finally meet, everyone would have the same goal, which is to have fun, and see if we all get along to determine if we would become friends or something more. Oh my poor little naive and optimistic heart…
I also, very foolishly thought that because I already have a partner, and was not looking for perfection, that the couples we interacted with would be on that same wavelength too. You know, looking for fun, willing to overlook a thing or two, and just enjoy the experience of meeting new people. But oh no! That has not been the case at all. In fact, just recently I was chatting to a couple that I thought would be a lot of fun, and was just about to start scheduling a meeting between the four of us, when they dropped the bombshell. They wanted to find a couple to help them raise their family. I replied that we weren’t quite at that point yet in our lives with family, but why don’t we meet to see if we even click and go from there. Not only did they not respond but I got deleted and blocked! I mean I get that we weren’t quite on the same page, however, what’s the harm in meeting or at least getting to know a couple before you start a family with them?
And did I mention that we are looking for a stable couple? And by stable, I do mean a couple who love each other, and have a good solid foundation. A couple that leaves the majority of their drama at the door. Yes, we all have issues in our primary relationships, but we have come across two couples in particular who used opening up to try and save their troubled relationships. And guess what, it didn’t work! And it really sucked for us, as the couple coming into it. For you see, I begin to care about the people I’m dating, and then when the relationship deteriorates I get upset too, and there are tears and then pretty much everyone breaks up! It’s a crappy feeling!
So now I go into these first meetings a little guarded and I make a point of asking how long the couple has been together to potentially avoid that particular pain. And while I can weed out the FWB or new partners very quickly it’s still time consuming business. I tend to gravitate towards couples who have been together 5 plus years. I find couples who are in love and stable to be much more attractive than just a couple of hot FWB who only have amazing sex together and no real intimacy. Why? Because I am not looking for one time hookups. Scheduling is tough. My life is very busy. Finding partners who are in the same boat makes life much more relaxed and easy going, as you can accept everyone’s priorities and really value the moments the four get together. For me, it is more intimate and special.
I hope in the next few years, I can lower my guard a little and go with the flow again. But right now I feel stuck in this weird zone of too many red flags from everyone I talk to. And I suppose part of the reason is in that open relationships, swinging, etc are becoming a little less taboo. So the pool is getting a little fuller around the edges. Many couples are dipping a toe in here and there. Or testing the water, so to speak. While exciting, it’s a little tricky when your ready to start swimming laps, and leave the water wings behind. But hey, at least a few of those toe dippers will stick around to experience the full pool soon right?