Talking Publicly About Your Sex Life


Last week I wrote a post about expressing my fantasies, and how it is an area of my life that I would like to improve upon.  I have difficulty expressing my fantasies, but I have absolutely no trouble with talking about my amazing sex life.  I could go on and on about the incredible foursome that I experienced very recently, but there is a problem, who can I tell? 

When it comes to social media there are certain societal norms that we tend to follow.  One of the main ones, is that you do not brag about your sex life on facebook, or other such social forums where your family or friends reside.  You cannot post that incredibly hot picture that you took in the mirror while doggy style, or share the picture taken in the hot tub just before the clothes started to fall off.  Exhibitionism is taboo for social media.  And if you do decide to Instagram, Snapchat or Tweet those pictures you may get some very nasty name calling and labels from those you know.  Sure, people say they want to see the images from time to time, but the general population just does not want to see a person they know in the throes of passion.  The consensus seems to be that those images are not necessarily bad, but any sort of in your face boasting is scandalous.

All of this is fine, and I am not trying to change this particular social climate, but there are days that I just want to brag to someone about how sexy I feel, or how amazing my most recent orgasm was.  And guess what?  Not even my best friends want to get that text.  If I try out of the blue to talk about that incredible connection at the swing club I get crickets from my nearest and dearest.  And I know I would get blocked or unfriended on facebook for sharing that the best start to the morning is a quickie before work, and I am speaking from direct experience ;).

Now interestingly enough, if I posted that same status on an anonymous forum like twitter, I would get likes and retweets for days.  A stranger can appreciate the sexiness, but friends and family cannot.  Why does this happen?  I suppose one parallel could be when we unfollow people who constantly update about their fitness journey, or Instagram every meal they eat.  We are just not geared to be supportive of peoples braggadocio behavior.  We cringe at anything in excess.  So therefor no one wants to see constant updates about orgasm after orgasm.  There is a very thick line in the sand in regards to sex and daily interaction with your peers.  It is not something to publicly discuss with your friends, period.

There is a nearly 80 study at Harvard that directly links overall happiness to your sense of community, and the line that is key to my point is this, “Researchers also found that those with strong social support experienced less mental deterioration as they aged.”  So here is the crux of my post, if sexual relationships are important to you, but you cannot talk about them with any of your peers, are we actually doing a disservice to our long term mental health and fitness?  Yes I am aware that I have used the term bragging and not just status updates, but aren’t those the most memorable points in our lives that go on social media?  We celebrate engagement, educational triumphs, births, and parties.  But we do not talk about sex publicly.  We do not celebrate threesomes, or orgasms or loss of virginity.  Speaking of, does anyone else remember that Clone High Episode where a congrats card is sent when one of the guys loses his virginity on prom night?  Funny in a cartoon, but oh the horror and social outrage in real life.

I believe that my sex life is key to my overall happiness.  While studies show that a strong sense of community is the most important factor in a person’s overall happiness level.  And yet we live in social constraints where these two aspects of life must stay far, far away from each other.  Is this reasonable?  Is this necessary?  Would talking publicly about sexual health, appetite, kinks or preferences make you a happier person?  Do you seek information about sex on the internet or find support groups and counseling to facilitate a safe place to discuss socially taboo topics?  Does sex have to remain in the world of the internet or books or simply within your partnership?

We are human, and curious about sex, sometimes even about the sex lives of our friends.  But we are not willing to admit that to each other.  And yes we all are, every single one of us at one time or another.   And don’t try to tell me that when you hear on the news a report on the latest sexual study that you are above comparing yourself to it; for example a certain study about average sexual encounters per week for married couples.  Hell, reading this blog is a perfect example of human curiosity.  But I highly doubt any of you discuss the contents openly with one another.

We have restrictions on what good behavior or socially tolerated subjects are.  And although it is unlikely to change in future, I personally think it is important to give thought to why that is.  And perhaps ask yourself if your sex life or overall well being would be positively or even negatively affected by being able to openly talk about sex?  Just some food for thought, some societal foreplay if you will…

It’s The Little Things

Ever just wake up feeling blissfully happy?  It’s a great feeling when you just know that your path is going in the right direction.  Things line up in an almost weird sort of way.  The best part is looking over at your partner and saying how happy you are and having him agree.  Not because the two of you are reliant on each other for happiness but simply because both parties are living life the way we want to.  And it works for the immediate right now.

Having the clarity to recognize the moments of bliss and remember them through the trials and struggles really is key to being sound and whole.  The more moments that you can create each day will result in good things.  Actually great things.  I remember as a teenager my mom buying me “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.  I read it and each day I would try out that chapter in my life.  Maybe I am alone here, but the messages just never seemed to stick.  They were never permanent and I for the longest time could not recognize why this was.  They seemed more about tiny solutions that were not broad enough to give long term solutions.

For me fixing the small puzzles in my life really keeps me motivated.  I like the small daily accomplishments, playing little mind games with myself. Things like the positive and negative comments that I wrote about recently.  Or something like smiling at the most unlikely people on the street and watching their reactions.  This book really focused on not taking seriously the little trials and tribulations of daily life, and to focus on the bigger picture.  But I am not wired that way, the bigger picture is far too cumbersome and can irritate me as I thrive little victories.  A huge war takes a lot energy and while there is a time and place, I am loving taking things a little slower these days.

So here is my question for you, what is your favourite thing about your current or most recent relationship?  What is that thing that had you waking up happy in the mornings or that feeling you have right before you go to bed that makes it worth staying, or that you miss most?

A New Year and New Challenges

I wrote a blog in anger, and as a result I will not link to although it did receive more comments than any other I have written.  Thus I have not been able to write for the past few days.  However in working through how I was going to resolve or let go of an issue that has burdened me for years I started working towards a revelation of such.  I had no idea how much my view point changed when it came to open relationships and how it actually has altered the way I deal with my family.  I remember receiving harsh criticism for not having my biological dad in my life as an active member and how hard it was for many in my life to accept.  However this was a choice that was made out of years of issues and pain.  I broke the mould in my household by taking a stance and choosing what was right for me at the time and not the expectation.
I have been raised to believe through and through that you must accept your family for what they are.  To take in stride their faults and strengths which I have gone into great detail previously here However why does this have to be the case.  If someone whom you share blood with treats you poorly and causes you undue stress and pain, why is the expectation to constantly forgive and forget?  If it was a chosen relationship the advice that you would receive would be to cut that person out of your life, but when it comes to family we are given different advice.  So does that then mean that family has free reign to treat it’s members in any fashion that they see fit?   How can that possibly be fair, or healthy for that matter?  I have spent the past week trying to analyze the bigger picture surrounding challenging societal norms and living to find my own happiness.  Unfortunately there is a price to pay for such things. And I publicly announce that I am finished fighting for what I deserve when it comes to my family.  After 28 years it turns out that I will be treated the same no matter what choices or responses I try to cleverly come up with.  I need to start focusing on the bigger picture and see how this affects my personal life and happiness and make choices towards that and not my own ego or sense of purpose.

How we relate to our family plays a critical role in how we behave and relate in our chosen relationships.  I know I have said time and time again that I will do things this way or that way when I have kids.  And I don`t know anyone out there who has not said similar things as we constantly evolve and change our ideas.  Knowledge is fluid and with that we are able to adapt to our surroundings in such an amazing way.  The ability to learn and grow, while questioning all that surrounds up are words I repeat again and again.  But there is an added point to that, it`s wonderful to grow and learn, but you also have to admit when you are wrong.  It takes a very confident and strong person to admit when they are wrong and put their stubbornness aside for the bigger picture.  So here I start the new year wondering if this will be a year filled with support or continued resistance to me voicing my opinions?

A New Year

The New Year is almost upon us and as we have culturally been raised the New Year brings with it the opportunity to make resolutions.  So we all take a moment and pick a big or small challenge for the year to come.  For the past few years I have come up with a quick little goal in December.  I start it right away and either accomplish it by the end of January or I forget what it was until the next year.  I get discouraged when I don’t successfully reach my goals and thus I sort of safety net myself by my simple resolutions.  This year however I am going to set a more solid goal and my hope is it will just keep building year after year.  And that is being more open and forthcoming with my ideas and my views, to not be afraid of outside judgement.
I know it may come as a surprise especially to those who have got to know me through my blog over the past few months, but I am a very closed and protective person.  Or I was for a very long time and made a big change last year in challenging myself first with my friends and then starting this blog.  I struggle daily with being able to tell an interesting story, but for some reason when I write my mind gets very clear and ideas become cohesive and interesting.  Looking back I had no idea just what an impact this change would have on my life, and my lifestyle.  I have written before that I had a very large stick up my ass for much of my life.  And damn it if I haven’t  realized that life is too short to strive for anything short of happiness.
I was watching episode 18 season 6 of House the other night in which the main premise was open relationships.  To sum up there was a married couple who opened up their relationship and the team of doctors tried every which way to analyze the relationship rather than the patient.  One of the doctors asked the wife about her lifestyle and the wife responded with, “ the hardest thing is that people are more interested in my outside affairs than my 7 year happy marriage”.  This struck a major chord with me.  A few nights ago I met a guy for the first time, who is dating a girl in an open relationship.  It blew my mind that I was actually able to have a rational, non sexual discussion with a person face to face about how my life and his life are working better for us because of this lifestyle.  It was so exciting to then share some books that have helped us both challenge our past ways of thinking.
And that is my resolution, to continue my journey of being more forthcoming and honest with myself and to those around me.  I have made some very substantial leaps in both my personal relationships and my sexual ones.  Life is moving forward at an amazing pace and I cannot wait to see the surprises in store for 2012.  I cannot thank each and everyone of you enough for your reading and support throughout this past year and I wish you all luck and happiness in your New Year resolutions.

An Introspective: My Own Happiness

I have a flaw, well I have many flaws but one of my largest hindrances in my relationships is effective communication when something is bothering me.  As I completed the writing of my previous blog,  I realized that I really am so much happier.  So I asked myself why I am happy right now, and the answer is nothing is eating away at me.  I just do not have any waiting for a fight or issues in my emotional “outbox”.  The majority of my time on this planet historically had been spent trying to resolve family issues or learn how to accept people for who they are.  To move a step forward to find the goodness and love them, even when they repeatedly would hurt me.  I would therefore keep my mouth shut about any issues that would arise and I would look past, grin and bare it.  This was how I learned to forge relationships with my family, which lead to friendships, which lead to sexual relationships.  Be who I am, but allow the person to be who they were and be the bigger person even if they said something to offend or hurt me, after all it is who they are.  I am overgeneralising a bit here, especially when it comes to acquaintances.  My foot has gone in my mouth many a time with people who have irritated me in passing by or early on in our friendship.  But when it came to love of friends and family, then this holds eerily true for almost everyone.

There is an incredibly obvious downfall to this approach, things get too big to handle.  Not dealing with issues when they were small, allowed them to grow into monstrous thorns in my future interactions.  Resulting in one of two things; there would be an emotional eruption by yours truly or else just a complete cut off from the person as I could no longer accept them.  I am fairly easy going, especially now as I get older, so has taken me a long time to really see the pattern here in my relationships.  But I finally have a little clarity, and what’s more I have support in changing this terrible flaw.  As I am writing this with the hindsight is 20/20 approach I have a flood of examples to choose from in illustrating this flaw of mine.  It’s almost scary how many I have to choose from.  I’m 90% sure that if you know me in person, you will probably know of an example yourself and that is really humbling.  If you don’t have an example, perhaps you are one of the lucky ones who I have never ever fought with, or even had a disagreement with.  This may not always be a good sign, or I am just that awesome to be around???  Nope, I most likely have just been passive and overly accepting of you being who you are and finding an inscrutable way to see you for your positives.
I have a family member who every few years or so manages to gossip and put herself into a position of wedging a rift between my best friend and I.  This has been going on every 3 years or so since I was about 9.  The same pattern always occurs, this person builds up confidences in all the family and really good strong bonds and relationships.  Then there is a disagreement between 2 people that does not concern her, however she has these confidences and decides that it is her duty to try and fix or solve the problems.  I am either one of the two people involved in the issue or more often I am asked my opinion or knowledge about the issue.  As I have mentioned before I am a straight shooter whenever I am asked a direct question and we have a fairly small family.  The result of my honesty is each and every time she tries to bate my best friend and I against each other.  Wham bam there is family drama that I get to make apologies and make atonement’s for.  I`m sorry that I cannot give specific examples and this sounds concluded, but I am trying my best to protect the identities of any of my family members who may read this.  The lesson that I learned was to keep my mouth shut whenever there are issues.  I didn`t ever want to fight or be put in a position where I could be swayed to give an opinion.  And I learned this lesson so well that it branched into all my adult relationships.
Which is a great example of why I so desperately try not point out any even seemingly little things.  I too quickly have seen how even a tiny or innocent comment has evolved into a large family battle.  These battles suck, no one wins, and everyone involved gets hurt.  So I have spent years avoiding conflict of any kind, as a direct result.  Like I mentioned there have been many many instances along the same lines of the example written above.  So what has changed and what has allowed me to try and work past this flaw making more real relationships that now have the potential for growth?  
For one, the realisation that if there is a person, even family who constantly makes me feel bad about myself or sabotages my relationships, then I can not interact with them without first letting them know.  This is such a taboo in my family, and I know there will be some major flack for it, as I have been raised that family is first.  When the most recent occurrence of the example about happened last year, I wrote a very passionate email to the person.  I tried to brainstorm out a few ways that I felt we could stop discussing any other member of the family behind there backs, thus breaking the potential for something to be said out of context.  I also requested that she give me feedback for things she would like me to try and change so we can slowly rebuild a healthy relationship free of this very painful pattern that has been developed.  I did not receive a reply.  I parted ways in the most mature way I could, where the door is open if she would like to discuss having a healthy relationship in the future, but with a clear indication that I would no longer keep things inside until they reached a fever pitch, or were drawn out of me in her manipulative tactic (whether for good intent or not).  
The next thing which I am taking in very baby steps and uses a lot of bravery on my part, is to only take a couple of minutes to decide if I need to bring something up that’s bugging me.  I historically would take hours or even days coming up with a well rounded argument weighing all the pros and cons, and in my head formulating my plan to discuss in great detail.  I was very afraid of saying something in the heat of the moment, or misspeaking, so afraid that I would ensure emotions were completely out of all dealings with issues I had.  Now I take 5 minutes or less to decide what the issue is, and trust that if it took me a whole 5 minutes to decide that when I speak about it my intelligence will kick in enough to articulate my thoughts.  Even if emotion sneaks into it, it is better it out there quicker and allow both partners the same time to discuss or think about the issue if need be.  
With these two little changes in place my happiness level has gone up exponentially.  I don’t have the lingering feeling that there is a major issue I need to give thought to.  I have the ability to send an email or try and bring up an issue in a timely manor.  If the issue can’t get resolved then it is not the end of the world for the person not to be a part of my life, family or not.  Its a sobering thought to realise how your family interacts with you plays a role in your adult relationships.  Spend some time thinking about how you bring up disagreements or issues with your partner.  Try and take it a step farther and think about how you learned to fight with your siblings or parents and what was necessary for resolutions.  I would love to hear your stories, so please add your comments or find me on twitter @k_ghislaine.