The No Kissing Rule

The Lengths People go to Avoid Catching the Feels

No Kissing Rule

The No Kissing Rule, and other ways non-monogamous people try to keep from catching the feels.

No matter who you are or what you try to do non-monogamy at some point, will push your comfort zone limits.  It is a guarantee.  Actually, the only certainty there really is.  it’s And even though it is 100% going to happen, people create rules, especially swingers, to prevent any sort of feeling from arising with those outside of their spouse in order to protect their own comfort.  While the rational human knows this is doomed to fail, it doesn’t stop people from trying.  My favorite one of these such rules is the no kissing one, it is extremely common, and in my opinion an effort in futility.

Let’s take a step back here though and start from the beginning.  Non-monogamy is a way for people to share intimacies with people other than their partners, or if solo, with more than one person.  There are a plethora of ways to show intimacy, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, and pretty much everything in between.  And people choose to break free from monogamy for a variety of reasons, including sexless relationships, dead bedroom situations, variety, adding spice, or just a basic urge to enjoy the bodies or explore relationships with more than one person “till death do you part”. And at this point I feel it’s important to state that this blog is a judgement free zone for the most part.  Every flavor and style are welcome here.  I love variety and certainly hold the stance that love should be free, and should be something that works for you, whatever label suits you, or in my case, breaking free of labels and just living authentically for my own happiness.

However, this whole, no kissing rule pushes my understanding of freedom of expression.  Why in the world would you allow your partner to express themselves with their genitals, but restrict the touching of their lips?  What makes lips so sacred?  My hunch, is that there is a huge amount of intimacy surrounding the kiss, and couples restrict that contact to limit catching the feels.  They are OK with objectifying the act of sex, and less OK with the existence of intimacy.  Orgasms and adrenaline, hell ya!  Feels and intimacy, fuck no!  

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And the hard truth of the matter, from my perspective, is that they reduce sex to a physical act, and turn an orgasm into a regular bodily function, which is absolutely not my thing.  I don’t ever want sex to be just another motion.  I want it to be whatever it can, with flexibility and surprise and intrigue.  Not to be relegated to restrictions on what body parts can touch.  For example, have you ever heard of an mfm where the rule is the guys can never touch?  Haha!  Yeah, good luck with that.  It is damn near impossible not to at the very least have accidental grazing.  And when that happens, it does not mean you have to turn in your straight card.  Just as with kissing, it does not mean that you are instantly going to fall in love with another person… but it might…

The point is, I try to live my life restriction free.  And while I am not always very good at it, I am trying.  Point of fact, every single time I have placed a restriction on my partner it has blown up in my face and vice-versa. So knowing my own shortcomings with restrictions, I find it very difficult to understand couples who allow sex to occur with others, but draw a hard line at kissing. The whole “I trust you with my body, but not my lips”? Or more often than not, one partner can adjust or accept someone having sex with their partner, but seeing or thinking about the intimacy of a kiss would send them into a spiral of jealousy. And I cannot help but boil that down to desensitizing sex to the level of porn. Something viewed, and not experienced for it’s entirety.

So now that I have probably pissed off a whole bunch of kissing free swingers, I should probably just stop here. I question things I don’t understand, and if you would like to share with me how this works for you, or where I have missed the point, please know I am absolutely willing to listen.

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Reactions to My Open Relationship Over the Years





Last week I wrote a little rant about Ethical Non-Monogamy and how it is a major part of my life in response to an internet stranger.  So this week I will bring it in a little closer to home.  One of the most common questions I get asked in person is how do my friends and family react to me being in an open relationship?  Well, with my immediate family, we typically do not discuss it.  I don’t ask my parents about their sex life, and they don’t ask about mine.  Many support me from a healthy distance.  However, there are moments that my nearest and dearest have made comments that either shocked or made me really question things.  I have been jotting these moments down for quite a few years, so here are a few of them.

When I first told my family that E and I were in an Open Relationship, prior to my blogging days, my immediate family was not impressed.  I was told that I was doing this for him, and that this was not who I was.  I was told that “this was a novelty and it would wear off, and then what?  Where would I be?”  And the one that got me blogging and cease talking to them about it was that “this is a phase you are going through, not a lifestyle.  How could you possible raise a family and settle down living the way you do?”.

My friends have been a little less judgemental or at least a little broader in their reactions.  One friend talked at length to me, about his experiences and warned me that “this a novelty that would wear off.  That the thrill seeking is all well and good, but [wondered] if I thought what I would feel like when I was alone again.”  I have been asked point blank “so what? Are you guys just full blown swingers now?”  Or on the more inquisitive side of the spectrum, “I have always been really curious about that sort of lifestyle, but I would have no idea how to bring it up or even ask about it. Personally I know it is not for me.  Still though, there are questions that I wish I could ask.“  And then my dear friend who remarked one evening “I am so jealous that you guys are able to do that.  I could never ever open up like that, I am way to jealous.”

And last but not least, here is one of my friends responses when I told her we were starting to date couples.  “This sounds really cool because it is a couple you found together, get to know together and become friends with together.  It is a shared experience of friendship.  Real dating but multiplied and done together.”

With this vast range of reactions and being face to face, I have learned to just let people speak.  To listen, and do my best to keep my poker face on.  When I was first starting out, I would get defensive and or to boast about how amazing this really was.  Now I have a quiet confidence.  I understand this lifestyle is not for everyone, and I have no reason to talk about my lifestyle endlessly or bring it up every chance I get.  If someone wants to brings it up, they are free to talk.  And as long as no one is cruel or rude, I let them react the way they see fit. Whether you like it or not, my friends and family, we are all in this journey together… kidding! Sort of…

A Fear of Non Monogamy: Overcome

When I began my blogging and personal journey about exploring non monogamy I wrote a post about some of my underlying fears .  I was in a place of passive relationship status rather than an active one.  I had a genuine fear of uncomfortable or without warning, meeting women that E had slept with.  It actually would keep me up some nights, going over in my head how I would react in countless situations.  Drama filled scenes plagued my dreams.  Stress, apprehension and the like or even an occasional cat fight would play out in both my sleeping and waking imagination.

And funnily enough, I have not had this thought cross my mind in what feels like years.  My relationship has shifted from passive to active control.  I have a direction and am steering my life the way I feel suits me best.  I am no longer just a watcher, experiencing things through E with curiosity and naïve or plain false concepts in my mind.  Instead, I am confident and have put certain notions behind me.  This nightmare is one of the most vivid examples I can think of. 

People talk about jealousy and how to overcome it.  That is a massive concept that takes years, and one that my side projects involve dealing with.  For the day to day, being able to come across experiences in my own writing and realize I have evolved past them is such an incredible high.  The fear was real, and it was sound.  However it was based in a place of insecurity and lack of trust in my partner and my relationship.  Our foundation was not strong enough at the time for us to tackle my fear together.  I guess that is one of the downsides to having a first time open experience with a partner who had explored it previously.  I took much longer to come around to critical thinking, and ultimately learn to embrace with strong self esteem, issues like this.


Fear is based on surviving.  And I feel that perhaps I was in survival mode when E and I first started dating.  I was in a place whereby every aspect of my life was changing and it felt great and overwhelming all at the same time.  I literally threw all the balls of my life in the air over a period of about 2 and a half years and then systematically picked up each one and put it where I wanted.  And I threw out all the ones that were not to my liking, just like this insecurity that kept nagging at me.  One day, it was just gone.  My fear, overcome.

Ashley Madison: A Few Gray Areas

It should be noted that I do not condone lying or cheating.  I promote healthy dialogue, and share with my readers my own open relationship through some of its ups and downs.  And with that in mind here are a few things that I feel many have missed while sharpening those pitchforks and throwing harsh words at the long list of individuals being outed through the Ashley Madison Hack. I will attempt to share a few case studies that I earnestly hope come with critical thinking and reflection as the reality is people are committing suicide over this outing of privacy.

Case Study #1 – A husband and wife found each other through a shared kink, sex with strangers.  As both are high earning members of society they do their best to keep this kink between themselves and the discreet partners that they have.  They each have a paid account whereby they are able to fulfill their fantasies with full disclosure to the partners they find and more importantly to maintain the spice that fuels their own relationship.  As a result of this hack, their privacy has now been invaded and they both risk losing their careers.  They made a choice to marry, provide support for each others kink, and do so in the privacy of their own lives.  Their choice to have accounts did not affect their careers, enhanced their own relationship and now they face the scrutiny of their peers and strangers. 
Case Study #2 – A man is in a sexless marriage with a woman who is raising their beautiful daughter.  He grew up in a broken home, and made a vow not to ever divorce on account of the childhood he had.  The man has wants and needs.  Through this website he has been able to fill a physical need with woman who are in similar situations.  He has been a member of the site for over 7 years and not once has it had any negative effect on the family.  There is no emotional connections being made, just simple physical acts that allow him to raise his daughter and maintain his marriage.  All that is now at an end.  He is losing his wife, and custody of his daughter.  She will now be raised in a broken home.    
Case Study #3 – This powerful article which is a first hand account of why a woman signed up for Ashley Madison https://firstlook.org/theintercept/2015/08/24/email-ashley-madison-user/.
I am not naive that there are thousands upon thousands of users that are lying and cheating to their partners on this site, after all, the tagline, “have an affair” is in plain site.  I simply am putting these few examples out there to acknowledge that not all users all “evil”.  Nor are the families who now are being forced to make decisions based on societal influences.  He who is without sin, and all the jazz.  Do not support internet terrorism.  

Ignoring the Girl in a Relationship

I have always been confused by the men who refuse to hang out with me or want to wait to get to know me until I am single.  I have difficulty comprehending the logic behind a man ignoring me while I am in a relationship and then pouncing when I am single.  What message are you portraying?  That a woman is only worth your time if she is single?  Are you surrounded by only friends of the same gender?  That sounds so boring, and offers you a very one sided perspective on the world.  Perhaps you have been friend zoned once or twice and believe the myth that you can never leave the friend zone once you enter.  The hint in that last sentence was the word myth…but I will save that for a different post.
If the message you would like me to extract from this type of behaviour, is that I am only fuckable, well then I am flattered.  And you will never get in my pants.  Being in an open relationship, you would deduce that this would be the perfect opportunity to try an only screw me, and yet dear guy, that is also not the case adding to my puzzlement.  This sort of mindset could be part of a bigger problem,and that I predict relates directly to a lower than average success rate in you getting laid in general.  It turns out that if a woman is seeking more than just a one time fling, sex is much more satisfying mentally and physically if there is a bit of history created.  We like to know a bit about the guy that is going to try and stick something in us.  Call us crazy if you will.  If you would like a stat to give you a better frame of reference, there are a bunch of guys whose sole goal in life was getting laid, and they said the magic number was 7.  Yes, 7 hours of time spent with a woman would result in giving a guy the best shot at getting in her pants.  Whether you agree with this or not, the point is, it takes more than a few exchanged pleasantries to establish yourself enough to become intimate.

And my final speculation on the matter, is that you are just plain insecure.  Whether the insecurities lead you to be jealous, depressed, self conscious or a whole heap of other emotional ailments, please keep your distance.  I do not accept that sort of drama in myself, so clearly, I would not entertain that from a partner. I work hard to self reflect on the cause and effect of every negative emotion I have, especially when it affects those around me, and I can only imagine a world where everyone did the same.  I am not your personal therapist, or self esteem coach.  Men often remark on how important self confidence is in a woman, so it should be no wonder that woman would feel that trait is important in her mate too.  I am not asking you to pretend to be interested in me, quite the contrary.  Figure out why a person is only worth getting to know if they are single, what in your mind changes about that person.  If they are not worth your time while they are partnered up, then I have troubles understanding why that changes when they are free.  Thoughts and perspectives are always appreciated.