Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship. I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post. But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well. The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations. And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do. I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on. Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy.
Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on. I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfillment with only a visual and the written word. I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature. I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory. To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses. But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work. Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.
In a way I was right. I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm. It was very challenging at first. And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before. And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored. I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before. But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not. They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex. When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.
Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift. One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring. I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.
My standard advice to friends of mine who have to make the decision to embark on a long distance relationship is not to, whenever possible. I cynically have never really believed that they could work. Up until fairly recently that is. I am a big fan of the quote “my opinions change with new information” and in this case it is true. I feared the lonely, and unhappy feeling of being away from my partner for such a long time, that I failed to consider any wonderful things that could result. I was focused on the physical aspect, the loss of intimacy, and the lack of a real connection with my partner. I had anxiety the weeks leading up to his departure, and I cried, a lot, at the mere mention of him leaving. I convinced myself that missing him would be one of the worst feelings, and that it would be likened to having a mini breakup.
I am so happy that the reality is far from that expectation. I was surprised to discover, that when you are apart from your lover, as soon as you get the chance to talk it is anything but superficial. There is sincere effort made to truly communicate, to share your day, and to listen to the others words. The communication goes from passive to active. Because of the lack of physical contact, there is real effort in explanation and discussion as to what is going on in the others life. If let’s say for example I am having a bad day, he cannot just hug me and hold me. Instead he has to be a much more active player in helping me work through it. On the other hand, if he has achieved a goal of his, I cannot just take him out for celebratory beers. Instead I have to really think, and come up with creative ways to celebrate, for example, taking sexy pictures.
I had anxiety about feeling separation, and when I got my first message that his plane had landed those feelings just melted away. I mentioned that I felt lazy in monogamy in a previous post, and that I have really worked on becoming more assertive and direct in what I want and need. There is nothing like being in different countries to really put that work to the test. It is amazing to discover that all the hard work, and the foundation building really was worthwhile. That in fact we have a solid foundation and are able to help each other through loss, injury and more importantly celebrate each others accomplishments in a way that is meaningful to both of us.
I feared long distances separating us, and I feared that because I did not understand. I did not appreciate that there is value in being apart, that you learn to crave the other person. That you rekindle the desire and the void gets filled with this intense excitement for when you get to see each other again. I fully understand now “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. It is simple, in hindsight of course, that you can easily take advantage of something that is always there. That stable force that is unchanging and constantly available loses its challenge, and appeal after time. I guess the next step is to find an artificial way to achieve this feeling without having to be separated by a border for an extended period of time. And I think I know just how to do it…