How Can I Say I’m in Love?

I was presented with a bit of a challenge while I was discussing my blog with a friend recently.  He asked me if I was in love, and I said yes.  He gave me a really skeptical look at my response and said that if I was in love then my partner would be the only man I would want and vice versa.  Further he went on to say that we live in a society in which we pay taxes and follow the natural order.  There are rules and guidelines that we must abide by in order to live in this society.  I am paraphrasing a bit here as there was a large quantity of booze during this interlude.  Suffice to say though; I completely understand where he is coming from.  I have family who have stated quite clearly that I must be missing out by choosing a man who doesn’t put me on a pedal stool.  That I am somehow settling by being with someone who may stray from time to time.
This is a very hard viewpoint to argue against, so I will only make a few little points or examples that are not to be taken as persuasive.  But more or less illustrate that I am living my life with eyes wide open and there are many benefits to my level of thinking.  I have previously provided the dictionary definition of love, but for kicks here is the urban dictionary definition.  Which of course the first one make me giggle.  I read through about 5, and the answers submitted are so varied it can really makes me wonder why that is.  As a society we cannot cohesively agree on what love is.  Yet we can very quickly judge someone else and tell them that they are not in fact in a loving relationship because they are missing x,y, and/or z.  This sort of hypocrisy is fully accepted in our society, as a judgmental being that has the rights to tell us who and how to love.
That being said, I still talk about myself being in love.  My point of reference for this is that I am truly happy and generally in a great mood and my life is moving in a positive way.  Also when I say I love you to my partner it feels great and hearing it does the same, very simple and honest.  I try very hard to take preconceived notions out of my life and that includes others definitions of love.  I live to make myself happy and when someone is making themselves happy alongside me, there is an opportunity for an amazing journey.
The next little point is one that I have blogged specifically, a man’s nature, which in discussion with quite a few of the male variety they agree with.  Well I should clarify, they admit to agreement on the preface that they are not married.  If married then the rules change, to complete and utter monogamy… But prior then yes men have a tendency to stray.  When they cheat in marriage it’s a “one time” thing and will never ever happen again… until the next time.  Ok so I am being a little sarcastic in my tone, not out of anger, but more or less I get frustrated with the lack of honesty.  But this brings me to my conclusion which is living in a relationship where my partner knows who he is.  This does not mean that he loves me any less than any man out there, or any more.  Just that I won’t make him come crawling home begging for forgiveness and promising that it will never happen again.  I won’t emasculate him for being himself.  For me the true test of a relationship is honesty, and this includes being honest with yourself first and foremost.

Sex is Just Sex?


Sex is a subject that bears with it great emotion.  I know that statement goes without saying but I thought it was worth stating.  I have a lot of emotion attached with sex and have often found that the height of my need to say loving words is during this intimate event.  Afterwards though I have an odd relief that I kept my mouth shut and that realization that the physical is just physical overrides.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  Passion overtakes the rational at moments of weakness and sex certainly is one of those moments.  So where does that leave us? In the end sex can be physical, emotional, or at times both.  Where do we draw that line?

As a relationship progresses the desire for the emotions I find becomes stronger outside the physical act and to me that is where love really begins.  Love is growth, a bond and understanding of people with the desire to support each others goals.  Or to quote the dictionary:

love

 [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.

But wait, how exactly does point three come into play?  Isn’t that the definition for sex and not love?  If even the dictionary cannot keep these terms and definitions clear for the English speakers than how exactly are we to keep these things clear and level headed? To me there is a great difference between sex and love.

I know a couple who are very career oriented people and are living abroad.  They have been together for quite a long time, and being career oriented there was some long distance elements to their relationship.  When one or the other would have to come home to Canada to visit family or take additional courses the understanding was always that yes they would have physical needs apart.  And that was absolutely OK with both parties.  To go out and have a casual night here or there was almost encouraged as both parties were doing the same.  This couple has been together for many years and have just welcomed their first child.  This child is being born to two very successful parents in the most loving and forward thinking environment that I have seen.

Now I will admit that when I first was told of the understanding this couple had I was very judgmental about the whole arrangement. I kept my mouth shut and supported my friends but I often wish I would have asked more questions from the couple.  It didn’t seem like being open or discussing was even a possibility.  It was their life and they could live it how they chose as long as I didn’t have to ever lie about what I knew.  This vow let me sleep at night, but something just didn’t seem right.  The most odd thing is that I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until a few days ago.  I have been writing this blog for over a month looking for real life scenarios and one was right under my nose the whole time.

This gives me a lot of hope.  That I could forget that this was even a point of some discomfort for me.  That my opinionated little self could look past their actions and support their new family with open arms.  This blog could one day be the norm and not need to be discussed and brought to the surface of our awareness.  That sex can be sex and that a relationship can be so much more than that. 

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Love…?

Or Lust in Hindsight

“Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave” – David Bowie, Labyrinth.  This quote is my all time favorite quote.  At different points in my adult life it has meant different things to me and the people I am in relationships with.  Personally I have been in love twice, and in lust twice.  I only was able to recognize the lust in hindsight and the love was never love at first sight.  It was a gradual occurrence where feelings naturally grew and developed.  The funny thing is that none of these four experiences have anything in common.  I would argue that I am fairly perceptive, but I cannot make a list or even explain why these feelings grew.

I was in love for at least a solid half of my 8 year relationship with my ex.  Which statistically they say is really good.   I think the average is 45% of the time you have to love the one you’re with.  I wonder how much these stats would increase if people took more accountability for making themselves happy?  At any rate, it took a long time but I can now recognize a lot of great times that were shared during my time with him.  But I failed by forgetting to make myself joyful first, and this contributed greatly towards the less than 50% ratio of joy.

Now I am in a relationship that is so much different.  The feeling of love is present, but there are so few similarities between why I am happy.  It really makes me want to reconsider these many cliches about what love really is and what it means.  Is the English language just too small and ill suited for expressing the word love in the type of society we live in?  I do not commonly hear people say, “oh man am I ever in lust with so and so”.  But shouldn’t it be more commonplace to hear? There is a natural sugar coating in our society towards these situations.  For example,  how often has someone you know said, “oh the ex wants to hang out, should I?” We translate in our minds that this is a booty call, then try and analyze the mental capacity of both parties, then give our reply.  But why can’t the conversation just be more open from the start with both parties expressing what they want?  And more to the point, by being able to say yes or no to the propositions.

I fear it is the same with love.  It is all to easy to mix up love with lust or vice versa, and I personally have had my little feelings trounced on when I mistook lust for love.  It is painful and all too common.  We fear the unknown, love the attention, and lust over the possibilities.  And then we add sex into the equation, where it is the physical act for men, and the emotional connection for women.  So what is the poor heart to make of all this?  Honesty people!  Honesty is the only solution.  If your feelings change, develop, lessen, whatever happens, just communicate.  We have the ability to talk and express ourselves even if the language is not always well suited to making this easy.

I enjoy being in love. It’s a great feeling and of course I want it to continue for a long time. Nothing is perfect but happiness is what life is all about.  Chase your dreams and enjoy the people that you take on your journey to reach your potential, whether for the here and now, lust, or the longer term love.

Who Doesn’t Love Boobs?

I am a straight woman who loves men very much, but honestly I think it’s universally accepted that humanity loves boobs.  Men try not to oggle at that rack walking down the street, and woman look on with envious eyes.  The mesmerizing effect that the chest is challenged by very little else.  It is the power card women have over their male counterpart, boobs trump almost anything.

And this is the very reason that they are feared.  That men in power have tried many ways to repress and keep women in their place, pregnant, and barefoot in the kitchen.  Muslim women covered head to toe in cloth, or skirts past ones ankles in Mennonite colonies.  I am not a feminist or perhaps not a writer of feminist material, but I am against repression of any kind and after much research I am lead to believe that religion has done more to repress the feminine wiles than anything else out there.

I understand that the topic is up for some debate, but there is much research out there by such authors as Baigent, and Jordan which debate the most effective form of repression in woman today.  Turning Mary Magdalene, from a historically accurate wife (Jesus), to that of a prostitute.  Religious men are so fearful of a woman’s power that they change history to suit their needs, in this case, keeping a very powerful woman below the men around her.

There is so much ancient script where woman could almost reach godly status in their tribe or village.  Woman played key roles in ceremonies and the management of their people.  Why did men turn from adoring their women, to changing history and mandating dress code as forms of oppression?  It’s an unfortunate reality that in the 60’s a law needed to be passed that if a woman did the same work as a man, she had to be paid the same.  The legal world had to step up and force the populous to give fair wages.  Our elected governing body had more common sense than the entity so many out there entrust their immortal souls to, the church.

The bottom line though is that boobs get their way in many situations and men have little willpower against it.  Religion has guided so many in the direction of gender separation that I am hard pressed to find a religious male out there who knows how the female should be treated.  Either the woman is forced down, or put upon a pedestal possibly out of guilt?  I personally have hidden my own chest many times as I wanted to be judged for my wit and not the cleavage.  So I suppose even I am not yet past religions hold on societal views.  I hope someday woman can be proud to use their assets to benefit both themselves and that of the people around them without shame or judgement.  For now though, as long as we keep educating ourselves and asking why do we do the things we do, we can gain a complete understanding and make the changes necessary to ensure equality.

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Love’s Place Outside Monogamy

 

 
 
 

The only person’s frame of reference I have for not living in the cookie cutter form of monogamy is my own.  Oddly there is little female perspective on the subject and even less free of biases with regard to religion or social influences.  So here I am trying to stumble through in my own way finding love outside of monogamy.

I can tell you the exact moment when things went downhill in the relationship I currently am aching over and what I have learned moving forward.  At about month 9 or 10 I said late into the evening “I Love You”.  It was the first time, so of course there was absolutely no expectation.   However I did say it again a few weeks later, which lead to a discussion between the two of us, whereupon I was told that he wants to keep things simple and that his focus needs to be towards his education.  After a few more weeks of various other tangents playing upon this base my brain started overworking.

I started feeling jealousy and it turns out there was a chick that was flirting with him via text.  I became even more jealous and started fixating on the relationship and how to fix it, rather than enjoying it, while said  jealousy was taking over.  The bottom line that comes from all of this?  For a female to truly be able to enjoy this lifestyle with one main partner, there must be a mutual basis of love and respect, at least in my humble opinion.

This alleviates many problems in the emotional realm for both the female and in part the male.  If two people can open up, be loving, supportive and a partner for the other sex, it is so easy to want the most and best for each other.  The jealousy is easier to overcome as there is a solid base for the two main parties.  In the respect level, there is a trust that the other person will always want to protect both themselves and their main partner.

We are a complicated species and each individual wants different things within the framework of our society.  I have learned from failure that there is a formula that will work for me within an open relationship.  I want my rock to come home to, but I want to be free to flirt and meet new people in all possible ways.  It is really important to find a way to keep jealousy out of the equation as I have just experienced, it is a killer of relationships.

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