I am prefacing this blog topic with a little disclaimer, and that is to say, this has been a topic I have wanted to write about for quite some time. However I must be truthful in that a few recent events have given me a significantly clearer perspective on how was I going to go about sharing some things that I have learned on the subject in question.
Married men are a real temptation for a lot of us in the female variety. And from the few men whom have opened up to me on the subject, this can be a two way street. These already committed men represent a desire for stability and security in that they have already attained and committed which is what many single girls actually desire. They have the ability to fall in love, to get married, to start a family which is a huge turn-on for many of us. As well there is a level of misguided security that states we can be who we are without fear of judgement because this guy is safe. When we allow ourselves to be this honest and open, we actually in most cases become more attractive to the married man. Why is that? Because here is a woman who can be honest, impulsive, and real. The woman to whom they are married too may no longer be able or willing to do that.
On the flip side, the man may be attracted to the challenge. The thrill of the hunt and exploring that forbidden fruit that he knows he should not taste. Some other man has determined that this woman is desirable enough to marry and therefore should not be overlooked. There is a competitive strategy to going after an already desirable woman, which we see in the primate community on a regular basis. A baser instinct that drives a sexual passion in the males, and to a lesser known or admitted extent, the female.
Here is my insight into this though, the trial and error that I myself have witnessed and learned first- hand or avoided learning which may be a more accurate statement. I recognize in myself the extreme competitive nature that drives me towards many things in life. I want to be recognized for being intelligent, attractive, fit and most of all, a genuinely good and sound person. With that being said, sometimes the temptation exists to see if I can actually get that man who is for all intents and purposes unattainable. Now I in no way am stating that I have acted on these feelings, but I do recognize that they exist and part of me understands that is why having an open relationship made so much sense to me. The thrill of the seduction is so amazing, that it would take an incredible guy to allow me to seduce and chase him over and over again to obtain the same or similar rush.
Many men I know, who are confident, good looking or charismatic will say that when they pursue a female that the ring just doesn’t matter on the woman. The odd thing about that is, if I don’t want to be hit on, I will wear a ring to show men that I am unavailable. So the colliding impact of the two behaviors can definitely lead to some trouble down the road. I rationally know that temptation exists and the added level of attraction towards a man who has proven he is willing to commit. Hence why, I know myself well enough to avoid any and all temptation in this realm. At the very least though I will always have my fantasies.
I have previously debated the idea that cheating is the deadliest relationship sin
, but I think there is more to it than that. You can always find a reason to break up if you wanted to, but the trick is staying together. We are self invested individuals constantly looking out for the number one, so to morph our thinking to including someone else’s interests into that equation almost doesn’t seem natural. And yet we seek the social more often than the solitary situations. Western society wants us to find an opposite sexed partner, marry, then have 2.5 children and never talk about the affairs that made it possible to maintain this façade of happiness. Because the ideal of staying faithful to one partner is intrinsic to the foundation of rearing well rounded children. Yes, this is what many of us want and need to believe.
I have heard a few times as of late this idea of being loyal to a partner for piece of mind, even when faced with a reality that the basic need for happiness are no longer being met. So it almost would seem that marriage is only artificial glue, created by society to aid us in obtaining safety, love, security and absolute happiness, with no real science to keep it bonded for life. But these may merely be the words of a marriage cynic. Shouldn’t the dream be to ride off into the sunset and get married to your prince charming which would result in all your dreams coming true
I personally made a vow when I got engaged a few years ago that nothing in the relationship would change, that we would still be who we were and that marriage was merely a way to throw a big party and celebrate our current happiness.
If I was to get engaged again, I would only accept on a similar basis, that marriage would not be about changing the relationship, just celebrating its strength.
So I ask, what actions are we missing from our partners that would allow us the freedom to love and be loved without the sunset and the white horse? Why do I feel like society will judge my relationship until I validate it with marriage and children? I am battling with myself and this idea that I need a stable commitment from my partner in order to truly be free to experience a few “outside of the norm” pleasures. And the battle stems from not ever having a true reason not to trust that he will be true to his word, versus the implication that if we are not married or living together in a stable environment that he is free to walk away at any time. But the reality is the even married or co-cohabiting the walking away is still just as easy. Financially you will take a hit, but we are free to still do as we please. I think the only solution is to default to the idea that we are responsible for merely making ourselves happy. And perhaps hope that over time the conscious thought comes to include that person with whom you have been with and that they want to include you in a ceremony in front of family and friends.
Let me honestly express a great fear, being that I may be risking the happy ever after fantasy that I am not sure I want, for the open relationship that I have found. But knowing what I know now, I cannot possibly close my eyes to the freedom I have and go back to a life of monogamy. There are incredible challenges in every relationship especially when it comes to planning the future. And while I do envy the couples, who right from the start wanted the 2.5 kids, white picket fence and the golden retriever in the back yard. I personally have never experienced that type of symmetry in myself, and therefore in my partners. Life is too fluid and so full of possibilities that I lack the resolve to settle for any one path in life. I love options, and I love juggling many different situations at once to find the best possible fit for the moment. And yet there is a sadness knowing that my relationship is not “real” until that ring is on my finger and I have said my I do’s. This isn’t a position that I stringently want to fight for my right to be acknowledged in a loving relationship, outside the confines of marriage. Just more to express that my current attempt is to love as fully as I can with or without marriage. I know that this post is a little all over the place in thought process, however I think there is purpose in not having a solidified view on the subject of marriage just yet.
When I was a little girl I always dreamed of falling in love and getting married. I don’t think I understood what marriage really was, but I knew I wanted to wear a wedding dress and have the ring. The odd part was that all through my teens I was convinced that I did not want children, and being an only child I really put my mom through the ringer with that. Now in my mid 20’s my views have almost flipped completely. I want children, and a family but perhaps not the whole marriage part? Getting married is a confusing topic in my little coconut, especially when divorce is almost guaranteed and costs a flipping fortune.
I worked with a woman who would joke that her husband and her signed a 25 year contract when they got married. At the end of the 25 years they could renew for an additional 25 years or they could both go their separate ways. Thinking outside the box like that really makes a lot of sense in this day and age. 25 years together would ensure that their children grow up with stability and security, but that the adults could still be adults when all was said and done.
I was engaged for 4 months, and my personal experience was that the fairy tale of getting married was much more pleasant than the reality. And of course the amount of work and money involved in the whole process seemed unnecessary. The cards are stacked against marriage, a small fortune to get in, and a large fortune to get out. The moral, in plain black and white, don’t get married.
But there is that fairy tale aspect, that little girls dream to be a princess for one day, and get carried off by prince charming and live happily ever after. From an emotional standpoint I know first hand how frustrating it was living my teen years with unmarried parents. It felt like our house was less secure and stable somehow. Also I had the last name of my biological father and not that of my step dad which I think played towards the lost sense of belonging at times. That sense of what family meant for my friends versus what I had seemed different especially on paper.
The idea of marriage is one that I am very curious what I will end up deciding in a few years. I know the emotional ties to it, and I am well aware of the black and white reality for the institution. Also I vividly know that trapped feeling when I was planning my own and I am not sure I can entirely rule out that it was not for more reasons than just the wrong man. Perhaps the only answer is small little contracts of time, with agreed upon renewal dates where ever children come into play. If no children, just live and enjoy who you are with for as long as it works for both parties then end things regret free with a mind full of knowledge and memories.
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