Questioning Everything, And Finding a New Relationship Equation

I have written a few blogs lately, that give a personal insight into who I am, and perhaps a bit of why I am living the lifestyle that I do.  I have also written a few blogs on my past relationships and lessons learned also giving rise to where I am in my life.  If you are still reading up until this point and I haven’t scared you away, then it’s time to start writing about some of the struggles and positives in my current relationship.  My rule has always been never ever bitch about your boyfriend to your friends or family.  I have said a few negative comments here and there, but when things were going anywhere but south, then my conversations were geared in the positive.  Or I just didn’t discuss anything at all.  Living by the mantra, “if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”.  And I hope this still holds true today.  If things aren’t overall making me happy I discuss them with my boyfriend first, try to come to a resolution or a halfway point and move on-wards and upwards.

I am not going to use this forum to discuss any material not discussed with the parties involved first. I might come to different conclusions or change my mind, but overall this is a place to share my experiences and perhaps help someone out there.  This is not a place I want to use to vent my frustrations as a diary, but rather an honest look into my relationship in hopes of opening communications to other couples or single people who are introspectively looking into what they need to be happy.  For me being honest is easy if I am asked a specific question, and day by day it gets easier to look inside and answer the why I am who I am.  Like I wrote about in my previous blog, my happiness increases as I am able to look at the flaws that hold me back and work towards improving myself. Of course with the understanding that I am improving myself for me and not for anyone else.

In my previous relationship I was completely monogamous.  If I was told that I was being cheated on that would have been the end of everything.  I had only known monogamy as a working rule of a partnership and that was the expectation.  Humans are astounding in their abilities to adapt to situations, and I am no exception to this rule.  So although the cut and dry monogamy was in place from start to finish, there was a lot of sway on what the definition of cheating was.  First there were no strippers, and any porn had to be viewed behind closed doors.  I was jealous and extremely insecure.  I had landed a man but really I had no idea how, why, or if I could ever do it again.  Then I found out that friends of ours broke up over a lap dance, and I thought that was borderline insanity.  So my hard and fast rule evolved to men need to do what they need to do as long as there is no touching.  I then had a friend tell me that her boyfriend never watched porn at her request.  Which I promptly replied must be a lie as all men watch porn.  But as I said that I realized I had no idea what type of porn my man watched, or even his own frequency.

Thus I went home and started asking some tough for me questions.  And again the evolution of our relationship grew to include a more open perception of porn. And with each of these little steps my insecurities actually lessened.  Which honestly surprised me very much.  I dearly value my ability to asses all sides of an argument and come to a fair concise conclusion.  Give me facts and I will generate and solution that is fair and equitable for as many parties as possible.  What I lacked in my previous relationship was the knowledge that I have now.  Like I wrote about before, those childhood games that we play that teach us how to read people I soaked up like a sponge.  My happiness is in part due to being a social creature and getting along with very different walks of life and finding ways to accept them for who they are.  Of course now with better parameters in place to ensure that I am not taken advantage of or treated poorly for my acceptance which leads me to where I am at now.

I don’t feel as though I was ever given the information to properly make a decision about my sexuality.  There is only one man for every one woman, there is only monogamy as the key to your happiness.  Your job is to search and search until you find that one perfect match, and it is socially acceptable to admit you found the wrong spouse, divorce and go out there and try again.  This equation for happiness has never worked out for me because I have never believed in love at first sight, or that one true love.  To add to confusion I also don’t agree with divorce.  Its a baffelling conundrum that I live with each day.  The only way to make a relationship reach an equilibrium without having that basis for a one true love is to adapt, mold and bend your viewpoints to better align with the mate you are with.  Make the best out of what you have because it will be the same shit different pile anywhere you go.  And if you make the decision to have a family you are in it for the long haul and you need to make it work.  However this is the model that I want to live by and my beliefs for me alone.  I do not judge anyone who lives by different beliefs, we are all individuals and that makes humans an incredible species.  Honesty is the key to a relationship and when that is broken then all the rules are broken.  As I stated before, in my previous relationship inside monogamy, cheating was a boundary, the agreed upon terminable offence.  Any agreed upon term must be respected, and adhered to in a loving and healthy relationship

I have gone out and questioned relationships, why they did or didn’t work. I have been told that I seek tough men, and a hard lifestyle,  and to consider that my life could be much more pleasant with just a simple loving man at my side.  I have been told to not seek challenge in my relationships but to just seek a partner.  I came to the conclusion that if those were my two options for men types in this world then I was really in a terrible position.  I have thus taken my happiness into my own hands, and not left it up to my partner.  I now seek what make me happy on a day to day.  I am constantly asking the question why does or doesn’t it work for myself and others.  By doing this I am creating my own relationship equation that will afford me the happiness that I desire.

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How Can I Say I’m in Love?

I was presented with a bit of a challenge while I was discussing my blog with a friend recently.  He asked me if I was in love, and I said yes.  He gave me a really skeptical look at my response and said that if I was in love then my partner would be the only man I would want and vice versa.  Further he went on to say that we live in a society in which we pay taxes and follow the natural order.  There are rules and guidelines that we must abide by in order to live in this society.  I am paraphrasing a bit here as there was a large quantity of booze during this interlude.  Suffice to say though; I completely understand where he is coming from.  I have family who have stated quite clearly that I must be missing out by choosing a man who doesn’t put me on a pedal stool.  That I am somehow settling by being with someone who may stray from time to time.
This is a very hard viewpoint to argue against, so I will only make a few little points or examples that are not to be taken as persuasive.  But more or less illustrate that I am living my life with eyes wide open and there are many benefits to my level of thinking.  I have previously provided the dictionary definition of love, but for kicks here is the urban dictionary definition.  Which of course the first one make me giggle.  I read through about 5, and the answers submitted are so varied it can really makes me wonder why that is.  As a society we cannot cohesively agree on what love is.  Yet we can very quickly judge someone else and tell them that they are not in fact in a loving relationship because they are missing x,y, and/or z.  This sort of hypocrisy is fully accepted in our society, as a judgmental being that has the rights to tell us who and how to love.
That being said, I still talk about myself being in love.  My point of reference for this is that I am truly happy and generally in a great mood and my life is moving in a positive way.  Also when I say I love you to my partner it feels great and hearing it does the same, very simple and honest.  I try very hard to take preconceived notions out of my life and that includes others definitions of love.  I live to make myself happy and when someone is making themselves happy alongside me, there is an opportunity for an amazing journey.
The next little point is one that I have blogged specifically, a man’s nature, which in discussion with quite a few of the male variety they agree with.  Well I should clarify, they admit to agreement on the preface that they are not married.  If married then the rules change, to complete and utter monogamy… But prior then yes men have a tendency to stray.  When they cheat in marriage it’s a “one time” thing and will never ever happen again… until the next time.  Ok so I am being a little sarcastic in my tone, not out of anger, but more or less I get frustrated with the lack of honesty.  But this brings me to my conclusion which is living in a relationship where my partner knows who he is.  This does not mean that he loves me any less than any man out there, or any more.  Just that I won’t make him come crawling home begging for forgiveness and promising that it will never happen again.  I won’t emasculate him for being himself.  For me the true test of a relationship is honesty, and this includes being honest with yourself first and foremost.

My Dreams… Underlying Non Monogamy Fears

I am a very vivid dreamer.  I have been as long as I can remember, and I can usually pick a topic or a theme and fall asleep to those images.  My personal version of meditation, as my mind wanders from that point to whatever result I wake up remembering.  Unfortunately last night my dreams decided to explore the fears I have about not living in monogamy.

So I decided that perhaps I was not alone in these fears and maybe other readers have questions and are dealing with similar things.  Or that maybe they were living in monogamy and had a partner with infidelities that they are trying to work through.  Of course I have already mentioned in a previous blog about physical safety to prevent against STD’s and STI’s.  But there is the emotional and the human level too, especially for women.

One fear that I have, is running into a female that my partner has recently slept with.  This is a huge one for me and there are so many scenarios that can play out with this especially if the female has developed feelings.  To me this scares me the most because two females under stress can erupt into a volatile situation pretty darn quickly.  Open communication with a partner is so invaluable in this situation.  Personally I ask for the first name of any female he has slept with.  This builds huge trust as well as gives me at least a bit of second should this ever occur.  As well he explains the situation to the female as best he can to help with the female developing feelings.  Still dreams of the bitch fight and slap fest that occurred last night are enough to give my psyche a little jolt.

If a partner is not open and lies when sleeping with someone else, well, the likely hood of unnecessary drama is far too high in my books.  There is almost a comfort in knowing that the man I am with is going to be a man, do what men do, but be honest and safe with me.  Also that him being a man and sleeping with the occasional woman does not mean that he cares any less for me or that we are over.

A man, confident in who he is, is more sexy than a man who has been emasculated by a female or societal norms.  This is an argument that I have made more times than not over the past year, and I am sure will continue to have in my path.  A man reduced to lying, and losing his family over more than just the indiscretion, but now the mistrust and pain he caused by keeping it a secret and not just maning up?  A woman will always find out, we are very very good at that.  Give many of us a day or two to process and we can be quite reasonable too.  Back us into a corner and let our emotions come flooding out?  Seems like a pretty dangerous and relationship ending move to me.  Respect your partner and keep honesty at the forefront wherever possible and I am sure the divorce rate would start to go down.

My Experience In Monogamy

I gave my best shot at an 8 year long monogamous happily ever after type relationship.  The house, the ring, the dog and cat, and the future of children all with one man.  I should point out that the man loved me in his own way, and that was made even more apparent after I ended things, but back to the point.  He was strong, intimidating, opinionated, and a very sociable male.  I slowly turned into a woman who no longer felt attractive and free, but rather just a woman on a pedestal whose life was turning into that of woman in the 50’s.

Let me explain, we had many mutual friends and friends of friends which happens when you are together that long.  Each and everyone of them was afraid of flirting or taking anything too far with me for fear that the ex would “kill” them (melodramatic I know).  I was only around these same men, over and over with absolutely bare minimum attention from anyone, and in public even less from the man I was with.  So I had to make the first move to get that ego boost with these men.  I was not looking to cheat, just to get a high that flirting gives.  That adrenaline burst,  or better put, that rush and excitement.

I found myself in compromising positions that I initiated and the guilt and remorse that followed was unbelievable, but the longer I went without that rush the worse I felt.  Well lets just say I ended things around year 7 to chase what I needed and keep myself from “cheating”.  I was getting that much needed attentiveness and kindness from a male friend who was not a fan of the ex.  It was exhilarating to have something new, something fresh, someone seeing you with whole new eyes.  However shortly afterwards the ex and I got back together, but inevitably ended things a year later, permanently.

It took me a long time to add everything up about why that relationship failed so miserably.  He was jealous every time I was alone or slightly flirty with any other male resulting in my complete isolation.  The only male giving me affection was him, and he was bad at it.  The self esteem and confidence was being replaced by an emotionally starved stranger whom I hardly recognized in the mirror. And I now know why.  Men and woman need that extra in life, that something new, fresh and exciting.  It also strengthens and keeps fresh that love you have at home.  That love that I am missing terribly right now.

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Love’s Place Outside Monogamy



The only person’s frame of reference I have for not living in the cookie cutter form of monogamy is my own.  Oddly there is little female perspective on the subject and even less free of biases with regard to religion or social influences.  So here I am trying to stumble through in my own way finding love outside of monogamy.

I can tell you the exact moment when things went downhill in the relationship I currently am aching over and what I have learned moving forward.  At about month 9 or 10 I said late into the evening “I Love You”.  It was the first time, so of course there was absolutely no expectation.   However I did say it again a few weeks later, which lead to a discussion between the two of us, whereupon I was told that he wants to keep things simple and that his focus needs to be towards his education.  After a few more weeks of various other tangents playing upon this base my brain started overworking.

I started feeling jealousy and it turns out there was a chick that was flirting with him via text.  I became even more jealous and started fixating on the relationship and how to fix it, rather than enjoying it, while said  jealousy was taking over.  The bottom line that comes from all of this?  For a female to truly be able to enjoy this lifestyle with one main partner, there must be a mutual basis of love and respect, at least in my humble opinion.

This alleviates many problems in the emotional realm for both the female and in part the male.  If two people can open up, be loving, supportive and a partner for the other sex, it is so easy to want the most and best for each other.  The jealousy is easier to overcome as there is a solid base for the two main parties.  In the respect level, there is a trust that the other person will always want to protect both themselves and their main partner.

We are a complicated species and each individual wants different things within the framework of our society.  I have learned from failure that there is a formula that will work for me within an open relationship.  I want my rock to come home to, but I want to be free to flirt and meet new people in all possible ways.  It is really important to find a way to keep jealousy out of the equation as I have just experienced, it is a killer of relationships.

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