3 Myths I Believed About Sex

Water is not lube, no matter where you put it!

If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them.  Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from?  In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life.  And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex.  Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.

Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is

A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration.  While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet.  The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication.  And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?).  The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth.  Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex.  All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse.  Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.

Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool

In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero business doing it, or talking about it.  I could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth altogether and all the variations that go along with it.

  • Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t have to spend as much time warming up the next. 
  • The type or quality of the lube does not matter, it’s all about the volume of it.
  • Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to show your man that you love him.
  • You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do it in the butt.  That’s what bad girls do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.

A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another was exposed and believed these myths to be true.  As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.  

Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part

Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me.  I remember watching the Friends episode that discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the time.  So, I was fully aware that women could get sexual pleasure from more than one place.  With that being said, the episode did focus on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being part of the fourplay.  It wasn’t until much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  The reason I include this one in my list of myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit.  No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.

So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3.  Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.

Non-Monogamous Urban Myths

My Pink Flamingo!

When you have a society that deems sex as taboo or negative in general, people find some pretty clever ways to come out to each other on the down low.  As you may have read in my post about Re-branding the term swingers, I talked about key parties, shag carpets, and the ways media has branded the swinger.  Now let’s talk about a few of the more common swinger myths. And a huge thanks to @yycjfl_yycguy for being brave enough to ask “what is with the pineapple, flamingo, and gnome in the lifestyle.”  So without further ado, let’s talk about some of the myths and tricks to spot a fellow non-monogamous person in the wild!

Pineapple

First up, is the pineapple.  Legend has it, that if you are grocery shopping and you are looking to get a few new sexy folks to join you for that evening’s fondue, you would put a pineapple upside down in the top part of your shopping cart.  This would be a clear sign to swingers that you and your spouse were looking to get some strange that night and to come on over!  Hot tub and sexy times were sure to follow for those special people who were in the know.

Flamingo

Second, the flamingo.  Often we see people celebrating an over the hill birthday party get inundated with 40 pink flamingos in their yard as a special shout out from their nearest and dearest.  But what about that lonely solo flamingo?  Is he there just a constant reminder that you are getting older and wiser day by day?  Maybe not.  In the world of the non-monogamous, this could be a sign that a swinger does in fact live here.  Doesn’t it have a nice ring?  Pink flamingo and ready to mingle?   I think so!

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Gnome

Third, the gnome.  This creepy little yard ornament has for a long time been the antique collectors pokemon go.  Gotta collect them all!  But for a few subdivisions in the states, having a gnome on your front porch is a signal to neighbors that swingers are willing and waiting inside.  While this does not seem to be one of the universal signs, it is one the stranger ones for me, as I struggle to wrap my brain around one of those weirdly shaped statues representing a callout for sexy times, but that could just be me.

Black Ring

Fourth, the black ring.  Now this started as an urban myth, and has actually gained quite a bit of popularity in the last few years.  So much so, that a few companies are now selling black couples rings to be worn on the right hand to signify a non-monogamous pairing.  This is a growing trend, and one still has to be a little weary as many industrial industries require black silicon rings for safety rather than metal to be worn.  So you might not want to approach under the assumption that just because it’s black, in means they are… well… I cannot come up with a catchy rhyme right now, but you get the idea.

Overall, I think these little myths and legends are a lot of fun to think about, and play around with.  But as always, you must tread lightly, because more often then not, these are just myths.  And while we try very hard to signal our sexy intent out in the wild, these are not universally known and could get you into heaps of trouble if done incorrectly.  Or perhaps that’s just the cautionary voice in me speaking out.  Maybe it’s time to just throw caution to the wind and display that cute pink flamingo, standing beside a garden gnome, with my upside down pineapple welcome mat, and the garage door open just a crack and a paper bag with a tea light in it… and OK, I could go on and on here with all the various myths and legends I have heard.  The best way to find someone?  Join a facebook group, check out a local swingers club, or find a non-monogamous social or munch.  The best way after all will always be face to face!  Happy hunting!

Do you have a fun myth you would like included in this list?  Share in the comments section, or reach out via twitter!

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Questioning Monogamy as Female Driven


I was sent a very click bait titled article yesterday from a friend of mine, called “Asking if Women are Ill Suited to Monogamy”.  I was intrigued none the less, and thankful that he vetted the article before sending it and had warned me that the title was deceptive and the contents were well worth the read.  If you’re listening to the audio, I highly recommend pausing and clicking on the article that I’ve linked here.  Ok, has everyone read it?  Perfect.

So here is a common narrative that many would agree is promoted in our society; that women are considered the driving force behind monogamy, and wants to settle down for a variety of reasons including the “parental investment theory”.  And this goes hand in hand with the “good girl” vernacular that has been re-enforced throughout the generations.  I was definitely raised and fully conditioned to believe this, hook, line and sinker.  In fact, I not only believed it, but I even tried to take monogamy to the extreme, by choosing a man who was my first, and only sexual partner to marry.  And thus I was so taken in by the one and only for life reasoning that not even my imagination was safe to wander.  For a seemingly extreme example when I was monogamous, I felt overwhelming guilt anytime someone other than my boyfriend would pop into my head during a sex dream.  It was so ingrained in me that I would try and force myself to think of him as I fell asleep to try and prevent anyone else from sneaking in there during my deepest dreams.  And I think that may be why I started to dream I was a man, who slept with a bunch of women.  My dream state wanted to explore and was going to find every single loophole it could to accomplish that.  But we will save Freud and dream analysis for another time.

And that’s just one example of what indoctrination can do to a person, even something a seemingly innocuous as monogamy.   And just one of the many instances that I look back upon my time in monogamy and realize it just wasn’t for me.  But getting back to the article, the suggestion is that non-monogamy may be the cure for low libido with a focus on women.  That there is evidence to suggest when women fantasize about other men, their sex drive increases.  Thus, making the current female monogamy narrative seem more like a myth.  Are our libidos and this relationship norm actually at odds?  It’s certainly an interesting subject.  And one that I am excited to explore further.

So, for my perspective in all of this, I have to be completely honest that while my mental well being is much better off being non-monogamous and my fantasies and dream state far more satisfying, my sex drive has not actually changed.  I have always had a higher than average sex drive.  So, I cannot entirely relate to the notion of sex dropping off by nearly 40 percent when in a long term monogamous relationship.  Having said that, there is ample evidence that this is the standard norm and I do hear it often enough from friends and clients.  So, as I’m starting to get a little more used to, I may again be the outlier so we have to discount my personal experience for the time being.

Because women are taught that sex always dies in the end, and thus marrying your best friend is the most important criteria for a long lasting marriage, there has been more comradery in sexual bedroom death rather than addressing it as an issue.  And this has also legitimized the false notion that men are more sexual than women.  It is such an important realization to acknowledge that there may be a problem with reduced sex drive in women and then be forced to look beyond a magic blue pill to fix that.  And further to start exploring social factors including more variety of partners just like we have been lead to believe men require for so long.  The fact that we are bridging the gender gap in sexuality is incredible, by exploring a female’s sexual experience and not just the males?  I am so pleased with the questions beyond the quick fixes.

So, while I love the thought provoking points I really want to caution my readers in regards to the last paragraph in the referenced article.  The author is surmising that women are going to become more masculine in their sexuality, and by that she says we will see “more women getting laid and leaving, having sex without wanting to bond, more girls up in their rooms clicking on their computer and masturbating before they get started on their homework.”  I personally think it’s a huge mistake to call these behaviours masculine or feminine.  If your sexuality allows for less of an emotional bond with sex, we should not conclude you are more masculine.  Nor should we surmise that masturbating to release an itch before work, or a project is gender specific.  It’s a harmful narrative to promote.  We cannot educate in a sex positive way by relegating sexuality to gender or boxes like that.  Instead we need to promote more fluidity.  As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I tried to force my brain to dream in a way that was socially acceptable to monogamy, and my brain broke free… continually.  So with that in mind, we don’t want to make the mistake of shifting our thought process from one gender to the next.  Instead we must explore sexuality as a whole, or whenever possible, on an individual basis.

So to all my readers, give yourselves permission to explore your sexuality in a way that excites you and makes you feel like a complete being, to whatever end brings you joy.  If living a narrative of monogamy makes you feel complete and satisfied by all means keep doing what you’re doing.  And if you have an itch that may need scratching, talk to your partner, and see if there is a way that you can incorporate fantasy or reality into your life.  You no longer have to accept that long term commitments will inevitably leave you without a satisfying sex life.  We are living in exciting times, where articles like this are being written and researched, allowing us to break free of ingrained social narratives and become just a little more aware that being the “good girl” isn’t always the answer and does not always mean you are going to live happily, sexually satisfied, ever after.

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Boobs – Fake or Real?

All of you readers have been such great sports over the past few weeks reading, commenting and engaging in some pretty heavy topics that I have put forth.  So I wanted to lighten it up a bit for all of us, and tell you a little tale about me.  And this tale is all about my boobs!

I was a late bloomer, so late in fact that I had pretty much given up.  I was rail thin, with glasses and no curves anywhere.  And I stayed this way right up until the end of high school.  My self esteem was based solely on my personality and I was lucky enough to have the same social circle to take me from the high school transition right on into university.  I was surrounded by friends who were infinitely smarter than me, so being a flat chested tomboy, really didn’t seem to matter much.  Looking back, it feels so surreal that I was fortunate enough to have gone to a high school which focused on academics and not popularity.  My friends and I still laugh about how strange it was the the smarter you were, the more popular you became.  Bizzaro land for sure.

So, by now you may have figured out that my social skills may not have been quite like other people my age.  Surrounded by the smartie pants and absolutely no reason to talk to the opposite sex for anything other than friendship, because let’s face it, I was not the hot one, I entered into the summer before university completely unaware that something big was about to happen to me.

So let me take you back to that summer and share with you one of the most memorable conversations of my life.  I had noticed that my breasts had grown a little bit, but being summer I was often in tube tops, spaghetti strapped shirts and bikini tops so I tell you honestly, it didn’t dawn on me just how drastic my body was changing.  And keep in mind, all my female friends reached puberty between 11 and 14, so I was resigned to just being a skinny rail like my mom.

So here I am, riding a power lawn mower at our acreage (the one chore I actually enjoyed doing) soaking up all the sunshine, in a tube top, while listening to my diskman (yes we are going way back).  Oblivious and happy at the sweet naive age of 17.  On the front porch sat about 10 of my male family friends, ranging in age from 30 – 40 ish, all drinking beer, laughing and doing what guys do on a Saturday afternoon, shooting the shit.

Suddenly there is a commotion.  There is yelling, then laughter, then a few heated remarks and finally an eerie silence.  I hop off my lawn mower to go investigate what the dumb asses were up to now, and that’s when I noticed they were all staring straight at me.  Well, all except my step dad who was red in the face and looking anywhere but at me.  Then the guy closest to me (I will not name names to protect anonymity) mumbles something about my boobs.  My face goes bright red!  “What?” I ask.  He asks again, but a little louder this time.  “We have a bet going, are your boobs fake or real?”

And that’s when it dawned on me.  My boobs didn’t just grow a little bit, they were freaking insane, especially for my size.  I had gone from a small, shall we say barely B cup, to a DD in what actually felt like over night.  So thank you genetics for the very late surprise!  And I hope this picture will finally lay to rest the debate that I have been dealing with for just about 17 years now.

So if you’ve ever asked yourself if they are real or not… they are.  And you are not the first to ask, nor will you be the last.

 

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Female Competition: Digging Deeper


My last post touched on how I was raised with an all too common female myth of competition.  Now I am going to delve just a little bit deeper into the subject, and the conflicts that I had to overcome and still do when interacting with women today.  As a society we are raised to keep work, home, and our family all in proper and perfect order all by ourselves.  We are taught that women are the competition and we can only make a name for ourselves by outdoing the lady down the street.  As I mentioned there can only be one best friend, and all other women are out to get you.  It is a sad but all too true myth that has kept many women from creating community and support systems that would be beneficial to all.  This is not a post though to place blame, just more to express where I came from and to accept and grow from those all too common norms.
When I was a young teenager I watched the adult women in my life and how they interacted for guidance.  It seemed that they believed in wine, makeup and gossip.  And as is all too common, children grow up either emulating their elders or trying to aim for the complete opposite behavior.  I chose the latter in concept.  However I did not have any skill set in mind, to replace the gossipy interactions.  So I developed friendships with men, rather than learn to forge close bonds with woman.  And those I did create bonds with were not what I now would recognize as healthy. 
The truth is, I have made a lot of mistakes when it comes to female interaction.  I have pushed away loved ones to prevent myself from getting hurt.  I have closed myself off emotionally to ensure that my nearest and dearest couldn’t know my inner thoughts, rationalizing that if they didn’t know my secrets then they couldn’t stab me in the back later or tell all their friends.  I isolated myself in an effort to protect myself, my pride and simply shut myself off.  I was raised to believe that this was the only way to interact with woman.  That they were my enemy, out to get me, and could not be trusted in any capacity. 
After my last post, I realized that I was not alone in this misguided thinking.  I am recognizing that woman should be champions of support for each other.  We should cherish each others differences and support the ladies in our lives.  We should be free to be intimate with our emotions, desires, and dreams. And yet, like many out there, I did not have a template to achieve this growing up.  Instead I had catty women, who never truly trusted one another and were constantly vying to be so and so’s best friend, as there could be only one.
I cannot make the pain I caused the beautiful woman of my past go away (both inside and out), but I can try.  And further, I can help educate other woman that we can work together in business, friendship and relationships without contempt or jealousy.  I may not yet have mastered the art of the female compliment, but I remember the ladies who have complimented me in the past, and I cherish those moments.  They stand out for me, and they have made a very positive impact, tearing down the myth that I was raised to believe.  The ladies in my life are not out to get me, they are here to love and support me.  We do not get together and gossip.  Instead with have conversations about our goals, dreams and provide support during the rough patches in our lives.  
I did not see this type of interaction growing up, but it is my earnest hope that the generation to come does.  That they grow up seeing the benefits of a female positive bonded society, and they forge healthy relationships with their peers and allies as children, instead of feeling the emptiness that I did, and frankly didn’t recognize until my 30’s.  And a personal thank you to all the women who have stood by and supported me as I broke away from this myth and opened myself up to your love and support.  I love you all!