Dick Pics and Liars

I don’t think there is a female blogger (or writer in general with social media) out there regardless of her subject matter, who has not written something about hating dick pictures.  We, collectively, have tried raging, raving, shaming, blocking, reporting, and basically pleading to anyone who will give us an ear to please, end the appearance of dicks in our inboxes, e-mails, DM’s, PM’s etc.  The bottom line is we are sick and tired of them.  I wrote a post called Dear Random Penis in my first few years of blogging and it remained my highest views post for years.  I personally had tried all of the about to make the pictures stop, but sadly there was just nothing I could do.  And for a while I was left with this feeling that I must be bringing it upon myself because of the subject matter of my blog and the pictures I shared. And let me just say, that I am disgusted and horrified, that I have ever felt that way. 

I was so angry in fact, and so sick and tired of the constant barrage of non-consentual nudity that I actually change my own tactics.  I stopped posting naked or riske pictures of myself on my blog, choosing instead to move them over to a subscription based site here.  And I cannot even tell you how much it pained me to do that.  I love freedom of expression, but I was just sick and tired of constantly being angry, outraged, horrified, or just disgusted by the sight of a strangers penis. 

And what’s worse, I started to hate seeing dicks of my own choosing, and even switched up my porn viewing a little bit.  I was over saturated and resentful.  Since shifting the photo’s on my blog, I have actually noticed a huge reduction of dick pictures.  Which makes me worry that I may have been right.  Were men really thinking that the whole you showed me yours, so I’m going to show you mine mentality was acceptable? 

And what’s equally troubling, is that every time I see a person complain about a random nude picture in their DM’s, the comment sections ramp up with men acting horrified, and publicly shaming these poor individuals.  In fact it is so rampant, that I have even seen a guy who sent me a dick pic (with whom I shamed mercilessly over private message) join the bandwagon, shouting shame and slander, even going so far as to say “men who do that are scum and should be reported, shame on him.  That’s gross, and I am here if you ever need to talk”.  Yes, that is in quotes for a reason and I had more than one of those to choose from. 

I don’t know what it is going to take to men stop doing this abhorrent behaviour.  I know what steps I have taken to minimize it, and help me go back to loving the naked male form again.  But while I found a bandaid fix, this is obviously not a solution. 

So guys, tell me, what will it take to make you stop?  What can women do to prove that we don’t want to see your naked member unless we ask?  Why do you think that a 1 in 9999999999 chance of it working is a statistical probability that you are willing to side with?  When will it end?  Because honestly, you are ruining freedom of expression, sex and the body positivity that the non-consenting recipient is trying to strive for.  

If you liked this post and want to join in the conversation, feel free to follow me on twitter or subscribe to this blog!

Sex Censorship: The Modern Book Burning and The War on Women

Make no mistake, the internet is experiencing a very scary purging of sex content in the form of sexual censorship.  With the closure of Backpage, and Craigslist personals (US only, Canada still seems to be available) sex workers are being put at risk.  And by risk, I mean pushing them out of the safety of the internet and directly onto the streets.  This is terrifying.  And this doesn’t just stop at sex workers.  For example, YouTube is now removing entire channels dedicated to sex education and the cloud has been deleting entire profiles, videos and images specifically targeting escorts and sex workers.  We are moving into the dark ages where we are again running and hiding from the word sex.  We are reaching a critical climax with the technological information purge, or what I feel is the modern book burning.  And if you are thinking you are not affected, please don’t stop reading as there is more!

With SESTA-FOSTA in effect, third party websites are now liable for the content that is written, shared and promoted on them.  While the guise of child endangerment and trafficking pushed it forward, the real victims are sex workers.  They cannot use platforms like Twitter, Instagram, Switter etc to promote and screen their businesses and clients, putting them at extreme risk of extortion, their very physical safety, and their means of income as sights like Paypal are liable under this new law as well.  Which ultimately will push these workers back onto the streets or worse.  And yes, pushing out sex workers has a negative effect on all of us.  It’s called the oldest profession for a reason.  History has shown us time and time again that humans will find a way to have their sexual needs and desires met, one way or the other.  To fight this, is futile and recently we were reminded just how dangerous it is which I will touch on shortly.  And with the legal threat of third party liability, sex workers will move to the next safe place to advertise, and that will most likely be on dating apps.  That’s right, dating apps like OK Cupid, and Tinder will be the next targets.  So, do you still think this doesn’t affect you?

This censorship is so far reaching that even taking pictures of sex toys may/will result in discretionary removal, blocking and/or just banned.  And as of today, Twitter will start to remove all nudity that elicits arousal.  Are you freaking kidding me?  This is censorship at its worst because it is subjective.  Is there some big review board somewhere that will review nudity to see if it gets someone hard or wet?  Internet freedom is not under attack, it is no longer a thing.  Again, if you think this doesn’t affect you, you’re just not listening.  If you cannot even take a picture of a sex toy, where does that line end?  Can you not take a picture of condom to promote and educate safe sex?  And honestly, there is no end in sight, and no clear picture of who makes these determinations.

So what’s next?  Where is the internet headed?  Where are we as a society going to end up if we cannot embrace healthy sexual discussion and acceptance.  Oh that’s where it’s headed, straight into fear and outright hatred of sex and women.  Are you ready to read about the real world ramifications of the breakdown of sex positive speech, availability, education and just general knowledge?  Well, ready or not, Toronto women were just attacked by a 25 year old man, on the street, by a van of all things.  And why? Because he was part of a group called the Incel Rebellion, which is short for “involuntary celibate”.  This is a group of violent men, who have slurped up the Kool-aid that women are the enemy.  That we should not have autonomy over our sexual rights and body, and that men have every right to get laid, by whatever means necessary, including rape.  Yes, you read that right.  I will be honest, I have a lot of difficulty researching this group of men, and my stomach turns just thinking that these predators are a part of our society.  It’s bone chilling and I cannot go into more detail without tearing up.  So research this subject with caution.

How can women be feared this much?  Why are we losing our autonomy at such an alarming rate?  How as a society can we attack sex workers, and allow organizations that promote bodily harm to women to continue?  Where is the poison that started this all?  And how the fuck do we fix this?  I want to say that with education and compassion the next generation will be better than us.  But, I don’t think we can, as an equal society wait that long.  Women are dying.  Sex workers, have reached the point of desperation and are taking their own lives.  Men, believing they have “rights” to us as objects has resulted in death, all over North America, and honestly I couldn’t research beyond that.

This has to STOP!  And it has to stop now.   The war on women must end.  And the book burning of sexual content, information and education has to be eliminated.  And RIGHT NOW!  This is a human crisis.  It’s not men versus women.  It’s a poison that is infiltrating our very ethics and morality, and we need to find the antidote.  Being shocked, silent or dismissive is over.  For my part, I will continue to post nudity on my blog and on my Patreon page, and proudly!  I will continue to blog about sex, relationships, sexuality and non-monogamy.  I will continue to support sex workers and my community of sex positive individuals.  I will not be silent.  And neither should you!  As I tweeted today “Things are not looking good right now for freedom of expression, from the female perspective.  We need to do better.  I hate being right about it getting worse before it gets better… how much more can society fear sex and women?”  Join the conversation on social media.  Talk to your friends and loved ones.  We cannot silently watch women die as our freedoms are ripped from us!

Aggression and #30DaysofLingerie

During the month of April (For Twitter users) there is a very sexy and fun hashtag called #30daysoflingerie.  I was super excited when I found it, late of course, but I joined it anyways.  I figured it would be an incredibly fun way to connect with sexy people and show off a little.  And it started as just that, finding lingerie, taking selfies and posting to twitter.  And I had the added fun of sending the best ones to my partner (who is not on twitter) for a little extra hint of exhibitionism.  I was part of a group and it felt exhilarating to share my sexy side in a way that was outside of my blog or Patreon.  And my followers for the most part were super supportive and extremely welcoming of this little bit extra.

So, all was fun and games, right up until post 10, and that’s when I learned a hard, but valuable lesson.  I do not like aggression, and I absolutely loath it from women.  Yup, I went ahead and said it.  Being exposed to highly aggressive people, especially in a sexualized environment where I already feel vulnerable and exposed will and did push me over the edge.  As a result, I have officially quit playing the game that I was originally so excited about.  But I learned I a great lesson about what I find attractive and can now better articulate something that really turns me off.

I am turned on by assertive, and confident people.  I want to surround myself with them both in and out of the bedroom because they challenge me to be better.  And I love that feeling of intellectual discourse blended with a person who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it.  And further to that, I get instantly wet if the person they want, is me.  Being wanted by someone I prize is indeed a sexual high point for me.  Oh swoon, that, and that alone… Ok I need a moment.  Phew… back on track here.

There is a line between aggression and assertiveness, and after this hashtag I forced myself to analyze exactly what crossing the line really meant to me.  I have been put off before, but could never quite articulate what the turnoff was, well, until now.  Unprompted crass or crude behaviour, and or the encouragement of negativity, are the two main things that stand out after a few days of soul searching and analysis.

Let me explain.  I do not find strangers demanding that I give them more, or brag that they would get me off in heartbeat if they were in my bed to be a turn on.  Nor, does an aggressive proclamation of just where they would stick it if I spread my legs wider for them garnish any type of arousal.  It does not encourage me to take sexier pictures, in fact, quite the opposite.  Being objectified that roughly, makes me want to stop showing off altogether.  I like light, sexy, playful and flirty when it comes to text and in person conversations of a sexual nature.  And I love being told that an image of mine is driving someone wild, or they can’t wait to get home to their partners as a result.  That is the line of what makes a turn on for me and why I show off, knowing my images are having a positive affect.  So crude objectification, in my books, is bad, and not sexy.

Now onto the point of encouraging bad behaviour or negative emotions.  First, I don’t equate sex with being bad or naughty.  For my personal sex life, I love passion and fun above all other things.  And to the point of this blog, I don’t ever want to feel dirty or used by some random internet stranger.  It is vulgar to me.  So that’s why I post pictures that I feel are pretty, or artistic or just really freaking hot to me.  That’s my prerogative when it comes to sex.  There are no mixed messages here, and nothing in my language that is up for negotiation.  Any rough play, or BDSM, is the one place that is completely private for me and off limits to the public.  I require complete trust in this regard and obviously there is no trust present with internet strangers.  And if you’ve met me in person, while very open, you know I speak my mind, within the firm boundaries I have put in place.  I know many people get turned on by raunchy and dirty language, and I in no way am trying to shame those people.  Just simply stating that it doesn’t work for me.  I don’t need a bunch of strangers objectifying me to get off.  I have a fabulous sex life, and writing my blog, posting pictures and showing off on Patreon are simply an extension of that.  If I wanted to be spoken to dirty, I promise you, I would ask.  Until that time, remember you are on a public forum, and you’re not nearly as anonymous as you think you are.

And that’s a great segue way into the second component of this, internet strangers trying to encourage negative behaviour in me.  Reading that a person wants to get me angry or riled up so I post more dirty pictures is quite off putting, especially from a woman.  Part of the reason I specify women here, is that with a man, I feel comfortable calling them out, or muting or even blocking if they don’t learn their lesson.  With a woman though, I can’t quite let go of my biases with regards to not looking like a bitch, or perceived as such by other females.  So I let it slide, or nervously giggle even though I’m enraged and disgusted.  Again, I know it’s sexist, but with men I can handle shutting them down, but women, I just want to crawl into a hole and avoid the entire encounter.  I have troubles rationalizing why anyone would feed off of negativity or want more of it.  It is a complete libido killer to me, and that’s where I find myself right now.  The lingerie challenge has lost its appeal for me.  I have encountered some incredibly aggressive women who made me feel uncomfortable and dirty.  And rather than deal with it, I have chosen to stop playing.  My terms, my choice.

But I don’t regret the lessons I have learned from the experience.  I know more about my turn ons and turn offs as a direct result of this hashtag and my involvement in it.  And I want to make my final statement very clear, I am writing this post, for me and my sexuality.  I am not in anyway asking anyone to change or modify their behaviours because everyone’s sexuality and turn ons are unique.  We aren’t born with a user manual of sexual attraction, and in this case, I learned more about myself by putting my images out there, than I would have by just avoiding.  But I know when to quit.  When things aren’t fun anymore, and the lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on.   So thanks to the wonderful and amazing people that discovered me while doing this challenge, I hope you stick around, but if not, no hard feelings.  It was fun while it lasted.

If you liked this post, and want to see or read more, please consider following me on twitter or subscribing to my Patreon page.

Swing Club Ice Breakers: The Censor Bar Costumes!

That nervous excitement of wearing what you dare, and we do dare, to bare it all… almost.  The costume idea came to me months ago.  Could we really show up to a swingers party wearing nothing but censor bars covering our bits?  A combination of loving to dress up, understanding the amazing power of the costume ice breaker and being comfortable naked created the perfect trilogy of traits to bring this, over a few beers, costume to life.
As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling a devilish excitement with regards to this risqué costume, and as we went into full arts and crafts mode to bring the idea to life, there were flashes of nerves popping up here and there, but overall we were excited.  We kept asking each other as we created each piece, “are you ok with this there?” and “will this be easy enough to take off?”.  Courtesy checks and dismissing of previous comfort levels abounded as we cut out cardboard and test fit string, there was no room for our normal comfort zones with these strategically placed bars.  And then came the sexiness test, which is one of the most fun aspects of arts and crafts time.  Does the costume actually get the blood pumping?  A few glorious yesses later and we were ready to depart.
The swing party house that we attend is set in such a way that you can really make an entrance.  Once you put down your coat and such, you go down a staircase that feels almost like a grand ballroom foyer, where by the majority of the guests stand to the right mingling, and facing the staircase.  Being in that space is the perfect people watching location, and with drink in hand, you can meet, mingle, and see all the new faces make their couples nervous entrance.  And that is just what we did, wearing nothing but our bars, we took a deep breath and started down the stairs, in the daylight (The joys of it being light out at 9PM)!
The first few steps were tough, but before we were even halfway down, the excited and very interested exclamations of the group below started to reach our ears.  And all nervousness was replaced by beaming pride.  We did it, we were brave, we bared it all, and the guests loved it!  This costume was the perfect combination of sexy, and ice breaker.  All the guests wanted to know the mystery behind how E kept his bar on (any guesses?).  And many people were delighted to find that my “bra” could be flipped up for easy access.  Meeting new friends, and socializing is such a breeze when your costumes make all the introductions for you.  “Hi, we are K and E, and we are exhibitionists who are confident, fun and sexy!”  And you know, after that party, any trace of fake it until you make it, that I may have had is gone.
We took the irony of censoring nudity at a swingers party and created a costume that encouraged the rapid dropping of clothes and a very hot, half nude dance party.  Which got the blood pumping for almost all the couples to sneak away for their sought after fun quite early on  Your flaws just don’t seem to matter at that point.  You forget everything at the door, all societal norms those nagging restrictions and you can just be who you are in all your sexy, raw glory.  For being relatively new to the lifestyle, I have no feelings of being an outsider or have hesitations as to what is permissible, we are just having fun, living in the moment, free.  So, thank you to the ladies that let it all hang out at the previous parties.  You gave me the complete confidence to push the envelope myself.  It was amazing, I love it, and I am not sure I can ever go back.  I am no longer censored.


Body Image and Swing Clubs

In 2013, I wrote a little post called Comfortable Naked, and in it, I described how I am quite comfortable with my naked body and am very happy to strip in front of a camera.  Showing off is quite an exhilarating experience for me, and once those clothes are off, shyness is pretty much gone.  Now this is true in my home.  I will walk around topless, bottomless, whatever I feel at the moment without much hesitation other than to cover up the second I get chilly.  Now for a moment of hard truth, I am nervous and a little shy when I leave my house in sexy attire to go to the swing club.  And the reasons are due to a silly little myth that I was told as a teenager to keep my sexual attire in check.  I was told to never show off more than one sexy body part, or you would be labeled as a slut.  You can go out showing cleavage, booty, or a little midriff but never more than one at a time or you are looking for trouble. 
This little statement has dictated my attire my entire adult life, especially when I go out for a night on the town.  And let me tell you, breaking away from this to attend a swing club is damn right difficult!  I love the way my breasts look in a bra, despite how badly it hurts my back.  So when I go out, I want my boobs to look their absolute best.  And I know my butt is tiny, so I divert attention to my cleavage and my fairly flat tummy whenever possible.  These are intentional actions that have ruled my clothing purchases for over a decade.  But the dress code is turned upside down at a swingers club.  It is a whole different set of rules or rather lack there of.  It is a place of freedom, not myths and restrictions.  And this is where the opportunity to break yet another stigma comes into play.
The ladies I have seen at the swing club usually amaze me.  Woman ranging in age from early 20’s to late 50’s, and every shape and size have embraced their sexual freedom.  There has yet to be an outfit that I have cringed at.  Each woman dresses her sexiest and owns the look.  I admire these woman and look fondly at each for the expression of their courage and freedom.  And don’t misunderstand, I am dressed just as sexy and fully embrace the themes of the night, but often I feel like I am just faking it till I make it.  Well, until the clothes start coming off towards the middle of the night.  That I can own better than most.  Truth be told, the confidence these woman around me exude is contagious.  It’s not like you feel a competition to one up, more you want to feel that same freedom the woman around you do.  You want to strut and prance and wiggle your ass, let yourself be free. 
At the next party that we are attending, we are throwing caution to the wind, with a little theme called “Wear what you dare”.  It will be our most risqué outfits to date and I must say, I am growing devilishly excited about it.  No nervousness, just shear delight that I will be among the brave, sexy woman that I am growing to admire.  I will probably feel those butterflies just before we leave the house, and giggle a bit on the drive out there.  But I know, once I walk through that door and take off my coat, a sexual freedom will over take me.  Embrace the fear! Be bold, sexy, and free.  And perhaps I will even show off the costume in a future post!