Category: Online Dating

Solo Road Trip Realizations

    K Ghislaine

AKA – Road Trip Reset

BC is Beautiful Cont….

So, if you’re reading this, you have probably figured out that, yes, I in fact survived my solo road trip!  Woo hoo.  And, I am happy to report, it was wonderful, empowering, and all the things I needed it to be.  I slept alone in my car, I took lots of walks in nature with my dog, even more photos, and I drank some really great beer.  But something more important happened on this trip, I allowed myself a mental break from thinking about the men who are, just not quite in my life. And this was exactly what I needed to do, a road trip reset.

This trip was only about me being in nature, writing, and just driving on the open road.  At home, I have been feeling a strange pressure to find a man, settle down, and there is some sort of guilt in the fact that it is taking me so long to get the man I want.  But out there, in the mountains, I reset. It was a hard reset, and it freed my mind.  As an added bonus, I got my solo power back.  I accomplished the goal that took me two seasons to achieve, and that was this very road trip. I don’t like being held back by fear, or told that I cannot do something.  Two nights sleeping in the woods alone, proved to myself that I could in fact do all the things I want to.

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I rebuilt trust in myself to make good decisions, and have some adventures.  It was a win that I dearly needed.  And before anyone asks, there were absolutely zero temptations to meet up with anyone.  I actually enjoyed my own company, and for the first time probably this year, I didn’t feel lonely. I was in total control, and it was empowering.

I have tried the mantra of “enjoy the happy ride”, or just to go with the flow.  But ultimately, that is just not me.  I want what I want, and I am willing to try a number of different ways in order to achieve that goal.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and cannot let the empathic side of me overshadow what I want to accomplish.  To deny myself autonomy and the ability to fight for what I want, is to ignore who I am.  And for what? To hope someone else will care about my wants or needs?  F that!  Doing that, has brought me no joy.  I would rather a firm door slammed in my face, than continue to tread lightly. And by that I mean, just being me, with a take it or leave it attitude.  I love being silly, letting my hair down, and being playful. But, I have been lost in the idea that I have to first prove my accomplishments and earn my place through, oh frick I don’t know what I was thinking.  I was just scared of not being valued for who I am, and like I said, this road trip was the hard reset I needed.

So, with that, expect an update on my book, some more sexy photo shoots, and an update on a project that I am working on!  And of course, I will keep you updated on my love life, because, aren’t relationships and breaking away from the norm what this blog is all about?

Third Time’s a Charm Right? And I Don’t Mean Men!

    K Ghislaine
BC is Beautiful!

Earlier this year, I came up with this idea that I wanted to take some solo road trips (with my furry friend) and explore Alberta and BC.  I had it all figured out, and would take every weekend off of my evening job so that I could get some me time, writing in nature, and exploring on my terms.  No one to answer to, and no obligations.  I would drink when I wanted, eat, and sleep on my schedule.  And the best part, I could get some serious writing time in.  Well, as the title suggests, this, so far has not gone to plan.

My first solo trip pretty much ended and if I am honest, began with me in tears.  I got the car all packed up in the pouring rain, drove in frustration for an hour, and then everything really went amuck.  I don’t want to bore you with the rainy details of all the soggy sights I did not actually leave my car to see. Or the fact that my dog started panting about an hour and a half in (which did not cease for 5 freaking hours). Or the engine light coming on.  And wait, there is more… I was pretty much followed at every single off road exit I took and completely overwhelmed by cars choosing to park right beside me (in empty fields) numerous times. And the one guy who parked behind me and shone his high beams into my car for over an hour.  It was a deserted rest stop, and I was trying to lay down in the back and do some writing.  Exhausted, frustrated, and worried I might have broken my car, I drove home in defeat.  Oh, sorry, I bored you with the details after all. My bad!

The second trip, a few months later (because I needed to sufficiently lick the wounds from my bruised ego), went a little better.  I drove to BC, found a beautiful campsite to write in. Drank a beer, and ate my homemade lunch in the sunshine.  I even managed to do some actual writing at both a brewery and outside!  Rejoice… I could actually travel by myself.  Oh wait… it was time for bed, and that’s when I became a total stress case.  Where could I sleep?  What if someone broke in?  Wait, can I actually sleep in nature by myself?  Sorry Bowser, but you don’t have much in the way of intimidation.  So, I parked by the river and proceeded to crash for a few hours, and then drive my little butt right back home.  It was marginally better, but still, I couldn’t figure out what was making this so hard.

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And then I realized, it was the mental block of solo travelling. Men, you may have difficulties understanding this, but just being a woman out in the world comes with obstacles. Ladies, have you ever put your keys in between your knuckles while walking across a parking lot, just in case someone jumped you?  Have you ever sat at a bar, had a few drinks, then been followed to your car by a complete stranger?  What about having someone walk just way to close to you in the grocery store, leering in every isle?  Look, I think of myself as a confident, independent woman who can pretty much handle herself in any situation. But, what if something bad should actually happen to me.  Do you think I would get sympathy or even help?  Nope, the reality is I would be met with judgment for travelling alone. And then shamed with an, I told you so. Or wouldn’t it be better if you just waited to travel when you had a partner?

Here is a random memory that I think explains where I am coming from.  When I was 16 I had a job, and was able to buy my first car.  Here I was, driving to a friends house when boom, I hit the curb and blew a tire.  It was completely my fault and I was horrified.  I tried calling my parents, but both of them were busy, so I locked my car and hopped on a bus, headed for home to wait until they were free.  An hour later, my uncle called and he picked me up, drove me to my car, and proceeded to change my tire for me.  I asked him to show me what to do, in case this should happen in the future. His response was that it would be too difficult for me to do, and the I should have just flashed my bare leg towards traffic and hope that a kind male stranger would come to my rescue.  Yup.  Rather than empower me with the tools to tackle this myself, I was told that I was weak, and needed to use my sexuality or feminine whiles to achieve my goals.

And this life lesson has stuck with me, my whole adult life.  Thus, here I am, finally understanding the real reason I feel compelled to tackle a solo road trip by myself, even though it is difficult for me.  Everything about the trip, I love doing: Sleeping in the car, exploring nature with my dog, drinking at breweries, and writing whenever I feel like it or inspiration strikes.  But, there is something about putting everything together in one weekend that makes me feel like I can’t.  Like somehow, something bad is going to happen and I will need a male rescue.  It is a sucky feeling.  But here I am, tackling this beast again, with my optimistic self in full force, hopeful that this third time is the charm to breaking this spell.

Stay tuned… oh, and while you wait, feel free to check out my Patreon for all my bonus content. Or if you love boobs and beer, pop on over to my IG!

Flamingo on the Inside, Sex Positive on the Outside

    K Ghislaine
I have no idea what Bowser and I are looking at!

My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching.  I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can.  Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings.  Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me!  But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach.  Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far?  Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!

Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about.  You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common.  You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person.  Cool, they want to see you back, all is great.  Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human.  In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being.  Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.

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Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again.  Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.

I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about.  And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present.  But hot damn I am tired.  So, so tired.  And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I?  I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world.  And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future.  Deep breaths, just keep going.

If you’d like to show your support for this blog and the work I do, please like, share, or subscribe to my Patreon. Or, just keep reading, and sending warm vibes!

38 My Year of the Flamingo

    K Ghislaine
Year of the Flamingo

Getting my shit together has been hard work. And in the last year of my life, I pushed through some really difficult things, including budgeting, accepting singledom (and the fact that this time around ghosting is everywhere), and basically forcing myself into a new writing routine. With all that said, my 38th year, I am dubbing the year of the flamingo.  Which I love because it is the most unique, awkward, and interesting creature, thus my spirit animal. Embracing my inner flamingo has been an experience, and while I am not claiming to be an expert on this majestic bird, I do share a lot of traits with it. Or maybe I don’t, and just love the look of them. Either way, it’s fine.

As a very young child, I remember spending hours standing in my grandmother’s kitchen posing like a flamingo. I have no idea where this behavior came from, or for how many years I would do this.  What I do know is that the memory makes me smile, recalling me in my youth, just balancing in a way that made me happy. Zero flocks given!  Haha.

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Now, more than ever, I need that mentality to run through me. I have written a few posts, some shared, some not published yet about embracing that I feel better with a partner.  With a man in my life, I can take over the world, but alone, I only feel this about half the time, or sometimes less. Sure, I get confident bursts and moments, but then I get lonely and recall that I am missing intimacy.  The thoughts of inadequacy, or being too overwhelming for certain people, or that nagging voice that says I expect too much.  There we go, that brings on the tears.  I don’t want to be that intimidating person. Instead, I want to be warm and fuzzy, and yet… I am that flamingo.  Standing alone, in a group of thousands. That’s me.  Bold, pink, and largely mysterious.

I want to be less mysterious to a few souls this 38th year of life, but, who knows what the world actually has in store for me.  While embracing my own emotions has been rewarding, and calling emotions valid has helped, I do truly want partnership.  I hope though that love will appear a few times this year, and maybe not end in heartache? Perhaps? Maybe… pretty please universe?

Did you know that the #SexPositive30Days is currently going on via Twitter?  Join in, like, share, or tell a friend.  Participate for a day or the whole 30 days of October! 

Adult Crushes Are So Complicated

    K Ghislaine
Reflections of Crushes

Remember as a kid, when crushes were all the rage? You’d fall in love on the playground, chase the person around a tree for 10 minutes, be smitten all through the morning, and boom… broken heart by lunchtime?  The next few days you’d play safely in your friend group, and then… when you least expected it, someone would catch your eye and you would be crushing all over again!  The thing about having school aged crushes is that there were very few consequences.  The “dating” pool seemed endless, not that you even knew that was a thing back then, because scarcity was not a term you were familiar with.  The heartbreak could be overcome with a quick cry, a little outburst, or even just a game of tag to get that heart racing and provide the necessary distractions. Le sigh… we are adults here, or at least I am trying to be, and as the title suggest, adult crushes are much more complicated.

In my demographic of people, the norm seems to be that crushes as adults are frivolous, and often taboo subjects to even mention.  The married crews would never talk about an office crush, and the unmarried or non-monogamous seem to have left the world crush to childhood.  Once you reach a certain age, you either date someone, or move on. And with the exception of celebrities (or those equally out of our range) a crush is seemingly taboo.  Grown adults don’t have crushes, or at least we only talk about the one sided things once we reach relationship status.

Well, I am here to tell you, I have no other term for what I am going through right now. I am absolutely smitten over a guy who is emotionally unavailable and has been honest in telling me so. He in no way is leading me on. But is that stopping me from pursuing him in earnest? Not a chance.  I like him, he makes me feel absolutely amazing, and in short, I am dealing with an adult crush.

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Here’s the complication. I know this is a crush. I know, the possibility of getting my heart broken is almost certain. And I know, that it won’t be healed by just running around the block, or playing with my friends.  Crush or not, the stakes are higher as an adult. I can’t just brush these feelings aside, because to me, they are absolutely real. Albeit one sided, hence the term… crush!

The thing is, I loved having crushes as a kid. My yearbooks are filled with my “secret” code of the boys I fell for. Ok… fine… I’ll tell you.  I would put Chapstick on and kiss the boys I liked.  Invisible kisses to my lovestruck heart.  But here’s the thing, as an adult, talking about crushes with my friends doesn’t work. I miss the days that I could go on and on about a boy, and have my friends say “go for it” or the ones who would talk sense into me that he was out of my league or dating someone else. Now, when I talk about “boys” it seems to have more gravitas.  Seemingly I should have some inherent wisdom not to crush on someone unavailable. And that I should just move on, and date someone who is ready, willing, and able. And while that sounds like solid advice perhaps you missed the part where my heart is taking the lead?

This isn’t some happy go lucky crush that was the highlight of my non-monogamous days. Reason being, the risks back then were low. It didn’t matter if the person liked me back, because I had someone I was in love with at home. I could take or leave the pleasure, in fact, I could just enjoy the butterflies, because that was always my favorite part. So, having a monogamous crush? Yeah, this really bites. It’s complicated, it often hurts, and I feel lonely much of the time. And then boom, the second I read a message from him, I forget everything, giggle like an idiot, and push (probably) way too hard for him to hang out with me. But, just as a little girl on the school yard many moons ago, there is just no telling me or my heart what to do. I am crushing, even though it is so complicated.

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