A Rant: Respecting the Word No

No means no!

I’m feeling raw and vulnerable, because it happened again.  It always seems to happen.  Here I am, trying to be open, fun, and authentic and then boom, some jackass takes it too far.  They stop respecting when I say no.  And they try… wait… they do push my boundaries, simply because they believe something inherently false, that women do not know what they want.  That I, do not know what I want.  Why?  Because they have their best intentions at heart and I can trust them.  I have heard this argument so many times in my life, that it really has done a mind fuck on me.  And yes, there is a time and a place when this may be true.  I.e. when you are in a committed relationship and your partner knows you better than you know yourself.  Or when there is an established, vocalized, and consent based trust that they will not ever push you into a place that would harm either of you.  Then, of course, there is an exception, and perhaps the good intentions hold true.  But even then, if I or anyone else says no, the demand is that it be heard.

Good Intentions VS Perceptions

But that’s not where I find myself right now.  I have numerous people in my life with whom I have to keep re-iterating my boundaries.  How many times can I say, “no, I don’t want a hug” or “no, I don’t want to have sexualized conversations with you, because we don’t have that type of relationship”.  It becomes exhausting steering the conversation away from sex or relationship topics or even something as simple as talking about my personal life.  That nice guy adage of talking about your feelings will make you feel better is bullshit.  I’m not playing those games or letting you into my mind!  It makes you feel better to see someone hurt or vulnerable, not me!  How many times do certain men need to be shot down before I have to up the ante, and get really mad or worse, cut them out of my life completely?

There is a huge difference between being playful, flirty, and fun, versus just pulling out all the stops and ignoring the word no.  If I say, no, I demand that to be respected.  I know myself.  I know my body, and I know my comfort levels.  On and on this note, body language plays a huge role in this too.  If you reach out to touch someone, and they do not reciprocate the touching, it’s time you took a pause and ask them if they are OK with it.  I think we all know what that uncomfortable hug from someone you don’t want touching you feels like, and when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable place it is so much worse.  You begin to dread having to ever see them again.  You need to get consent before you touch someone, and crush that part of you that thinks your touch someone is more important than their answer.  And no, it not OK to look crushed and hurt or make them feel guilty for whatever their answer is.

Why Do I Feel Raw?

Now you may ask why I opened with feeling raw and vulnerable because I seem to have a very clear picture of what I want.  But the truth is I am getting very tired of feeling that this is my fault.  That writing this blog, sharing sexy pictures on Patreon, or posing for Instagram with my beer and boobs, somehow means I deserve to be ignored.  Or that I must be open with everyone.  Or that I identify as a sex positive individual and therefore, I want to talk sex all the time, and be touched by everyone.  Or worse, that you think you are special because you read my work, understand me, and now feel that you somehow are a part of my intimate life.  Let me be very clear, I share what I want to share, and I want to be free to continue doing so.  I do not owe you anything, and I do not have to expand on topics for your own delight.  And again, if I say I don’t want to talk about it, respect that.  Do not give me your puppy dog eyes, and put your hand on my thigh, telling me that you’re always here if I need you.

A Little Math to Help Clarify

Let’s put some math into this to help me explain.  Let’s say you have read 10 of my blog posts, and we have had 1 conversation in person that lasted about 10 minutes.  Do you think that in that short amount of time what you know of me, versus what I know of you is now equal?  Do you honestly think that somehow, magically, you have put enough work into building trust and a relationship that we are on equal footing and you can ignore when I say no?  Or to ignore when I blatantly brush you off, and do not reciprocate to a single one of your advancements?  If you’re wondering, each one of my posts takes at minimum of an hour of my time (keeping the math simple here as some take days).  So, from a simple algebraic formula can you get this to balance?  Remember, I have already put in 10 hours of my life, to your 10 minutes.  Are you seeing the inequality here?   

And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of men taking advantage of that and thinking they don’t have to put in any effort with me.  More to the fact, I am exhausted from working so hard to let me guard down, and then boom, feeling like I am faced with blatant sexual harassment that some how I feel is my fault.  Because I was open, sex positive, and shared my vulnerabilities publicly. 

In Short, Respect the No!

The world is changing.  The #metoo movement is real.  It is no longer acceptable for men to just keep pushing until they get slapped or the woman changes her mind, mind you that was never a great tactic but if you lived through the 80’s and 90’s you’ll remember that being pretty common.  Remember those days are over.  Wake up!  If you have ever had a woman claim that you crossed the line, you are the problem.  You need to change your tactics and never do that again.  Respect the no.  Do not push it.  And here’s the thing, even if a woman has been uncomfortable even one time, I have to re-iterate that you have done something wrong.  Woman should never feel uncomfortable.  It means you have not put in the time required to build trust, you are ignoring clearly established boundaries, and/or you are not respecting the person you are interacting with.  I don’t care how “good” your intentions may be in your head, your actions are clearly in violation of your intentions, you are not the nice guy that you think you are, and you need to stop that behaviour immediately!

End rant!

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Opening Up About Not Being Active in Non-Monogamy

Opening Up – Non-Monogamy

I wrote a little while ago on Twitter, that I missed waking up with “random marks on my body from a passionate night of sexy shenanigans from the night before” (My Twitter feed is pretty random if you are not already following me).  It was a random comment that popped into my head as I looked down upon my pale legs, and thinking how strange it was for it to be summer and still without the dings of adventure, be it sexual or otherwise.  Further to this, anyone in a long-term relationship knows that sometimes life just gets in the way and you don’t just drop everything to jump on your partner, forsaking all thoughts of where, when, or how you will look or feel in the morning like you do when things are newer.  Shortly after posting this, I received a comment from a follower saying “this surprises me. I thought you were active”.   This response jarred the shit out of me.  He wasn’t wrong in his thinking based on my blog, and my non-monogamous lifestyle.  But it brought to light something I have been struggling with in my personal life, and that is keeping active in non-monogamy when I feel like my home life is a complete mess (feel free to scroll through some of my recent posts to see a few reasons why).

I firmly believe that I should be in a good dating state of mind, in order to meet someone new, and be ethical about pursuing something beyond a fling.  Please note that these are rules for myself, and myself alone.  I do not ever judge or criticize other humans for how they seek to find happiness.  Again, I don’t personally subscribe to the idea that I want someone to make me better or pull me out of my funk.  Instead, I want to be funky, awesome, and attract a person who see’s that light in me because it’s already glowing.  Not a person who wants to fix me, support me, or hold my hand through the tough times.  I approach that from a place of already having a partner, and if I am honest, when I was single and dating, I always attracted people who reflected my current mood.  It wasn’t until I started getting laid regularly from my incredible fwb, that I was able to meet my current partner.  I needed the sexual confidence and devil-may-care attitude to shine through, rather than the, holy crap, I will jump anything that moves mentality.

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So here I am, admitting, that while a little date here or there during this really rough winter may have boosted my energy and confidence, I just didn’t feel right about it.  Since our Christmas holiday, I think we have only visited the lifestyle club once, and gone on 2 couple’s dates?!?  Those number are really low for us.  And quite indicative of the mindset I have been finding myself in.  I just wanted to keep to myself, focus on breathing, and definitely zero interest in finding anything fun or relaxing.  You know that low, where you just don’t feel you even deserve to be happy or to take a break?  So yeah, obviously I was not keen on meeting new people.  And again, that twitter comment really hit me hard.  Why wasn’t I active?  Why was I stopping myself from having any fun?  How was that possibly helping me feel better?

So here I sit, puzzled over why I felt the need to punish myself.  And why I hold myself up to these incredibly high standards that I always have to be in an amazing place in order to meet people, and have fun.  Looking back on my life, I cannot think of a single time when I was prepared to meet the incredible people that I have closest to me.  They were random, unplanned, and un-calculated.  So, with this post, I am admitting, what many of those in non-monogamy already know, and that is life happens, lows happen, and that shouldn’t make you feel like you need to hand in your open relationship, swinger, polyamory, or all the beautiful relationships variations cards just yet.  I am still an active member of this community of sex positive people, even if my legs don’t show the evidence of all the sexy time’s I wish I was having.

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The No Kissing Rule

The Lengths People go to Avoid Catching the Feels

No Kissing Rule

The No Kissing Rule, and other ways non-monogamous people try to keep from catching the feels.

No matter who you are or what you try to do non-monogamy at some point, will push your comfort zone limits.  It is a guarantee.  Actually, the only certainty there really is.  it’s And even though it is 100% going to happen, people create rules, especially swingers, to prevent any sort of feeling from arising with those outside of their spouse in order to protect their own comfort.  While the rational human knows this is doomed to fail, it doesn’t stop people from trying.  My favorite one of these such rules is the no kissing one, it is extremely common, and in my opinion an effort in futility.

Let’s take a step back here though and start from the beginning.  Non-monogamy is a way for people to share intimacies with people other than their partners, or if solo, with more than one person.  There are a plethora of ways to show intimacy, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, and pretty much everything in between.  And people choose to break free from monogamy for a variety of reasons, including sexless relationships, dead bedroom situations, variety, adding spice, or just a basic urge to enjoy the bodies or explore relationships with more than one person “till death do you part”. And at this point I feel it’s important to state that this blog is a judgement free zone for the most part.  Every flavor and style are welcome here.  I love variety and certainly hold the stance that love should be free, and should be something that works for you, whatever label suits you, or in my case, breaking free of labels and just living authentically for my own happiness.

However, this whole, no kissing rule pushes my understanding of freedom of expression.  Why in the world would you allow your partner to express themselves with their genitals, but restrict the touching of their lips?  What makes lips so sacred?  My hunch, is that there is a huge amount of intimacy surrounding the kiss, and couples restrict that contact to limit catching the feels.  They are OK with objectifying the act of sex, and less OK with the existence of intimacy.  Orgasms and adrenaline, hell ya!  Feels and intimacy, fuck no!  

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And the hard truth of the matter, from my perspective, is that they reduce sex to a physical act, and turn an orgasm into a regular bodily function, which is absolutely not my thing.  I don’t ever want sex to be just another motion.  I want it to be whatever it can, with flexibility and surprise and intrigue.  Not to be relegated to restrictions on what body parts can touch.  For example, have you ever heard of an mfm where the rule is the guys can never touch?  Haha!  Yeah, good luck with that.  It is damn near impossible not to at the very least have accidental grazing.  And when that happens, it does not mean you have to turn in your straight card.  Just as with kissing, it does not mean that you are instantly going to fall in love with another person… but it might…

The point is, I try to live my life restriction free.  And while I am not always very good at it, I am trying.  Point of fact, every single time I have placed a restriction on my partner it has blown up in my face and vice-versa. So knowing my own shortcomings with restrictions, I find it very difficult to understand couples who allow sex to occur with others, but draw a hard line at kissing. The whole “I trust you with my body, but not my lips”? Or more often than not, one partner can adjust or accept someone having sex with their partner, but seeing or thinking about the intimacy of a kiss would send them into a spiral of jealousy. And I cannot help but boil that down to desensitizing sex to the level of porn. Something viewed, and not experienced for it’s entirety.

So now that I have probably pissed off a whole bunch of kissing free swingers, I should probably just stop here. I question things I don’t understand, and if you would like to share with me how this works for you, or where I have missed the point, please know I am absolutely willing to listen.

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Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

A look into why I hate the hookup culture

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging
Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

Here’s the post that I am positive is going to have my readers and followers drop right off, but I need to say it.  I hate the hookup culture.  I hated it when I was single.  I hated it when I was trying to date single guys when I was in an open relationship and I really struggle with it while trying to date couples off of swinging websites.  In my last post, I wrote about how chemistry is key, and I want to take that a step further now.  While I fully admit, that I can turn off the emotional connection for a totally delicious yummy 10, the reality is, they are so few and far between that it’s almost not even worth mentioning.

I have in fact hooked up with a cop, simply because of his position of power, his body type, and the fantasy I had about who he represented for my past and future spank bank and carelessly threw out the window any and all conversation.  Yes, I am capable of doing this.  But, I mean, for me, all the work it took to engage him in a sexual one-time tryst just wasn’t worth it.  I mean, I am glad I did it.  But the repeatability factor of all the time and energy just for the one hour or so, it exhausts me just to think about.  And the reason I mention this fact at all, is that many studies say that women have a much harder time reaching sexual satisfaction if there is zero emotional connection.  And for the matter of this post, that is not the reason I dislike hookups.  Not orgasming has never been my issue.  Instead, it is the quality and the time factor that really are the keys here, especially as I get older (wiser).

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Ok, let’s get back to the topic of hookup culture, which I sense is something that people equate swinging with, people including me.  I do, in fact believe that many swingers are just looking to hook-up for one evening and never talk to the people they slept with again.  There is an excitement and rush to that, so I would be wrong to say that I hate that aspect of things.  What I am struggling with is the expectation of just hookups.  The, all dressed up, so you might as well fuck me, mentality that many seem to have.  Or the couples you chat with online who want a guarantee of action before they will commit to meeting for drinks.  That’s just not my style.  Sex is not, and should not be the expectation or a sure thing.  Even typing that I cringe.  And yet, when chatting with people on swingers sites, I find that this is very much the case.

So maybe I shouldn’t look to swinger sites to find couples then right?  When the dating pool is this small, you go where the people are.  And yes, we have found a lot of people, just like us, navigating these murky waters looking for a fit.  I see constantly posts about people who are in-between swinging and poly.  They have no label, and no specific place to find people.  So they do what we do, cast their lines out in hopes to get a nibble.  I do wish that I could attend a non-monogamous beer hall, where all the people there have one thing in common, being non-monogamous.  I think that would be an amazing thing to start trending.  But, as that will take time, work, and a catchy name, for now we are left with munches, and swinger parties.  These are not a perfect fit, but they are a start.

And well, the bottom line is, I want to get to know people.  And beyond that, I love the idea that my partner and I could sleep with them too.  And even better, that we could do it on a semi-regular basis, and hang out, and share our celebrations and be a part of each other’s lives.  That’s what I desire in people.  I want more than just their bodies or a quick orgasm.  I want the whole person, the entire couple, the formation of a foursome, or even moresomes.  I want it all.  I want more than just a hookup!

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Chemistry is Key… The Couples Quest Continues

Attraction matters, and is often out of our control.

Sad flamingo when the chemistry isn't there.
Chemistry is Key, Poor Flamingo

I started writing this post a few days ago in full story mode.  I plotted out all the details of our first couples date in quite a while, sparing few details of the getting ready, meeting, and the unfortunate conclusion that we came to after an hour or so of conversation.  My intention was to share with you our real life account of what dating couples is actually like, but this morning my fierce editing pen took hold and scrapped the whole idea.  Whether you are monogamous or not, you are fully aware of what happens when you meet someone for drinks and there is just zero chemistry.  I felt that I brought nothing to the table by sharing just one more lackluster date.  So, I began again, with a new focus, chemistry.

So often you have a gut reaction to a person that is far beyond your control.  You are either attracted to them, or you’re not, the chemical reaction of attraction.  I have read quite a few books as of late that talk about that chemistry, Do Gentleman Really Prefer Blonds? and The Natural History of Love to name a few, and they all conclude the same thing, chemistry is out of our conscious control.  Ok, fine, let’s trust the experts on this one.  But if it’s out of our control, then that means trying to find couples that we are attracted to, and want to become physical with becomes a numbers game.  The overwhelming variables that have to line up between 4 people becomes astronomically complex.  So complex in fact, that the headspace I need to be in to even attempt it, is a feat in of itself.  So here I sit, puzzled, and a little overwhelmed by it all.  People and relationships are complex and unique and a big part of what really attracts me to this non-monogamous lifestyle.

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But in order to get to the fun part, and build connections with people I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the initial process.  I have to take a page out of my partners book and start playing the initial numbers game.  I have to take a risk, and play the odds.  Just go out on a whole bunch of dates.  It’s time to lower the extremely high standards I have and filters that I have so meticulously put in place and just start having some fun meeting new people.  The downsides to this way of thinking of course is the money, scheduling, and time investment.  But if I really think about that, the experience of it all should outweigh the initial sting of just getting out there and being social.  Who cares if on paper the couple doesn’t seem to be a long term fit.  Maybe, just maybe they will surprize me and an amazing opportunity will arise.  Perhaps playing the numbers game, we will find ourselves exposed to new ways of thinking, new groups and a few really sexy adventures. 

If I am trying to shift my focus from the magnitude of the situation and break it down into a numbers games, I might end up in a place whereby I am not emotional about it, just practical.  And the only way to make this numbers game a viable option is to boil the whole thing down to one common denominator, is there any chemistry?  Going out into the wild, with a commonality, having some fun in an attempt to asses if there chemistry with strangers.  If there is a spark the possibilities are endless.  And if there isn’t, we finish our beers and move to the next opportunity.  So, there I have it, the breaking down of the couples quest and the over whelming magnitude of it all into one bite sized and achievable test, is their a spark?  Now to begin the messages… stay tuned.

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