The No Kissing Rule

The Lengths People go to Avoid Catching the Feels

No Kissing Rule

The No Kissing Rule, and other ways non-monogamous people try to keep from catching the feels.

No matter who you are or what you try to do non-monogamy at some point, will push your comfort zone limits.  It is a guarantee.  Actually, the only certainty there really is.  it’s And even though it is 100% going to happen, people create rules, especially swingers, to prevent any sort of feeling from arising with those outside of their spouse in order to protect their own comfort.  While the rational human knows this is doomed to fail, it doesn’t stop people from trying.  My favorite one of these such rules is the no kissing one, it is extremely common, and in my opinion an effort in futility.

Let’s take a step back here though and start from the beginning.  Non-monogamy is a way for people to share intimacies with people other than their partners, or if solo, with more than one person.  There are a plethora of ways to show intimacy, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, and pretty much everything in between.  And people choose to break free from monogamy for a variety of reasons, including sexless relationships, dead bedroom situations, variety, adding spice, or just a basic urge to enjoy the bodies or explore relationships with more than one person “till death do you part”. And at this point I feel it’s important to state that this blog is a judgement free zone for the most part.  Every flavor and style are welcome here.  I love variety and certainly hold the stance that love should be free, and should be something that works for you, whatever label suits you, or in my case, breaking free of labels and just living authentically for my own happiness.

However, this whole, no kissing rule pushes my understanding of freedom of expression.  Why in the world would you allow your partner to express themselves with their genitals, but restrict the touching of their lips?  What makes lips so sacred?  My hunch, is that there is a huge amount of intimacy surrounding the kiss, and couples restrict that contact to limit catching the feels.  They are OK with objectifying the act of sex, and less OK with the existence of intimacy.  Orgasms and adrenaline, hell ya!  Feels and intimacy, fuck no!  

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And the hard truth of the matter, from my perspective, is that they reduce sex to a physical act, and turn an orgasm into a regular bodily function, which is absolutely not my thing.  I don’t ever want sex to be just another motion.  I want it to be whatever it can, with flexibility and surprise and intrigue.  Not to be relegated to restrictions on what body parts can touch.  For example, have you ever heard of an mfm where the rule is the guys can never touch?  Haha!  Yeah, good luck with that.  It is damn near impossible not to at the very least have accidental grazing.  And when that happens, it does not mean you have to turn in your straight card.  Just as with kissing, it does not mean that you are instantly going to fall in love with another person… but it might…

The point is, I try to live my life restriction free.  And while I am not always very good at it, I am trying.  Point of fact, every single time I have placed a restriction on my partner it has blown up in my face and vice-versa. So knowing my own shortcomings with restrictions, I find it very difficult to understand couples who allow sex to occur with others, but draw a hard line at kissing. The whole “I trust you with my body, but not my lips”? Or more often than not, one partner can adjust or accept someone having sex with their partner, but seeing or thinking about the intimacy of a kiss would send them into a spiral of jealousy. And I cannot help but boil that down to desensitizing sex to the level of porn. Something viewed, and not experienced for it’s entirety.

So now that I have probably pissed off a whole bunch of kissing free swingers, I should probably just stop here. I question things I don’t understand, and if you would like to share with me how this works for you, or where I have missed the point, please know I am absolutely willing to listen.

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Ways I “O”, Being a Female

If you follow me on Twitter then you most likely have seen the interactions I have had over the last few months with a little account run by Jane.  If not, here is a quick rundown.  Jane likes to self promote herself as a sex educator and brags that she has over 20 years investigating everything to do with the female orgasm.  She has no education in the field, instead she is financially so well off that she does this as a passion project and won’t let silly things like science get in her way.  She constantly does shout-outs pleading with any women who orgasms to reach out, and talk to her about them, because according to her “women are terrified when talking about orgasms” “and only orgasm as part of the male fantasy”.   When I started following her she had an impressive 208K following count, was asking lots of questions and seemed to be fairly responsive.  I love reading anything to do with sex, and a women doing research on orgasms seemed like a really cool account to follow. 

But then, it got a little weird.  I remember reading one of her little quips which stated that a woman cannot orgasm through her cervix because it was not a sex stimulator and any women who claims to do so does not actually know what on orgasm is.  Hmm… Well that just doesn’t seem right.  And with a few internet searches of actual scientific research I found that this is not factually based. Phew, my body is not wrong according to science and I do know what an orgasm is.  So, I did my due diligence and wrote to her about my own experience with being multi-orgasmic and a few links to the research I had just done.  And very swiftly she removed herself as a follower of mine and I moved on with my life… until late last year when her name popped up again.

So I went onto her feed looking for information on any recent research she had about orgasms. One of my early posts on Quality versus Quantity of my own orgasms is a piece that I always wanted to expand a on, so I will be honest, I just filtered her many posts looking primarily for orgasm research.  But what I found instead was alarming.  She mentioned that women only get turned on by fantasy and erotica, and that physical stimulation is not a real orgasm in women.  She went onto say that vibrators were an invention of the sex industry to help women fake orgasm and what a female achieves with one is not authentic.  After being horrified for a few moments, I went on a quick, then filed her under the, “must be a troll” category and tried to get on with my life. 

But honestly, with that many followers and so many mutual sex positive friends in common, I began to doubt.  Why would all these people be following her too?  I mean, I will be honest, when I first came across her account I questioned the validity of my own orgasms and actually did some research.  So, while a troll she may be, this was bordering on dangerous.  A self promoted sex educator who spouts things that sound click baity could actually be doing harm to those looking for help or knowledge.  And that’s when I decided to start quoting, questioning and rallying a few people to take notice.  And after a few weeks, I am very proud to say it worked.

I was blocked from her within the week of my mission.  It turns out that she doesn’t accept anyone challenging her opinions.  She believes that her ability to achieve orgasm once every two weeks makes her special and a unique individual, and therefor anyone who achieves more than that is misguided, uniformed, faking it, or just plain lying.

Being as open as I am, I take great offence in being called a liar.  I can achieve multiple orgasms in a single session, in a wide varieties of ways including clitoral, internally (deep and… well not always so deep), and externally on various parts of the erogenous zones on my body.  I am not including this to brag, but one of her accounts key points is that women will not talk about orgasms, that we afraid, ashamed, or just don’t achieve it, so it must be a myth for the majority.  And I am hear to say loudly and proudly that each of us achieves sexual satisfaction in our own ways.  They should all be celebrated, and explored and repeated whenever possible.   So, thank you all for being part of this amazing sex positive community, and for those who interacted with her, thank you for asking questions, and sharing your own experiences.  I hear and see your words!  

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Quantity vs Quality: The Orgasm

No clever introductions on this post, I am just going to jump right into the topic at hand, which is quantity versus quality of an orgasm.  In the past, I was with a partner for a long period of time and sex was not amazing.  It was good, yet there was something off about it, and I felt awkward even mentioning what that was to my close friends.  Years later, I can finally admit the problem, and that was the simple fact that quantity took more importance over quality.  How can one possibly be taken seriously when their main complaint of their sex life is that they are having too many orgasms?  From experience, you can’t.  Nothing about that statement allows for a conversation, an explanation or even a tiny little morsel of sympathy.  In fact, you get glares, and then the one ups begin.  “You think that’s a problem, try not getting laid at all”, or “what I would kill to just get one, so don’t complain about too many to me”.
In fairness, I was most likely not explaining clearly what the issue with this really was.  Partially because no one stuck around long enough for me to verbally work out the rationale behind the complaint.  I tried to start with, “what I wouldn’t give for a quickie” or variations of the same thinking process.  Though this would not have solved the problem, as orgasms were simply a means to an end, and I will now admit, it was a competition.  The two of us, would try to find ways for me to reach the O into the high 20’s.  The goal for me, to one day pass out, not be able to walk, and that sort of thing.  Sex was in fact a game.  And the sad reality, is that people get bored of games.  It is one thing to entertain into a friendly competition from time to time, but we are talking years of this.  Year with no inventiveness, no attention to detail, and absolutely no variety.  It was the tried and true method, then keep that going for as long as possible, as the high score wins.
Of course there is a biological basis for this phenomenon.  Men are hardwired to want sex in higher quantities to increase their rate of reproductive chances and therefore the survival of their very genes.  Woman on the other hand are hardwired to be choosy, as the cost of reproduction is much higher.  For example the energy it takes for a man to reproduce is very small, a one time shot.  Whereas, for a woman to reproduce, she must be able to carry the fetus for 9 months, sharing her resources, and continue to do so beyond that, into the infancy stage.   By sheer numbers alone, a man can have thousands of children, and the max number a female has ever reproduced was 69.  Men choose quantity, and woman choose quality.  And unfortunately the studies to show why men orgasm once, versus woman having the potential for multiple O’s are not conclusive by any measure, although I think the parallels between burden of procreation versus pleasure paint their own picture.
From this, I have deduced that quality overtakes quantity any day.  Perhaps it was my young age that thought having tonnes of orgasms was more important, and more impressive than just having amazing sex.  Perhaps having an affinity for numbers, being able to quantify was easier than saying I needed something different, that more meaningful feeling.  To be able to cum without aiming for a record, and instead having them with more intensity, variety, and passion seems quite satisfying.  As I get older, passion is a word that I can connect with more and more.  It is the ultimate level of satisfaction, that place where nothing gets in the way for a few moments.  Raw, emotional, and memory making tied up in a pretty little bow.  The quest for quality and passion, never to allow numbers to get in the way again is my own, and it was a strange realization to have so many years after the fact.
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Am I Allowed to Talk About the O Face? NSFW

There have been quite a few studies done about the chemistry of kissing, and the hormones, pheromones, scent, taste etc that go into sexual attraction.  We are all curious if there is a reason we are turned on when we see so and so walking down the street, versus ignoring the other thousand people that we encounter daily.  Doctors and scientists debate the issue of whether there is some chemical  basis between two individuals and their spark, if it is emotionally based or just a range of other factors all working together.  I could add to this debate, but there is one item that I want to weigh in on a little more specifically, and that is the cum face or the vinegar strokes that appear moments before the point of no return.  Yes, this is why I had to put another NSFW in the title. (I actually have a funny story about how I learned about what NSFW meant, and octopus porn, but I will save that for another time!)
I do not know if other people out there agree with me, or even recognize this as something that plays into their compatibility with their partners. More likely it is just something that people do not discuss in polite conversation.  And it is a hard subject to research online, as the amount of actual porn that comes up far outweighs any real research.  So here is something I have figured out for myself, and researched by getting my friends really drunk and asking them in awkward social groups.  And that is, could you be with a partner whose cum face turned you off?  As a follow up to that, can you learn to enjoy a partner’s cum face, to gradually be turned on by the thought of it or is it an all or nothing sort of thing.  How does that O face really factor into your sex life and your overall attraction? 
I have heard the horror stories of people giggling when they encountered a new sexual partners orgasm face, and the moments right beforehand.  I personally have been turned off by a partner or two’s “cumming “ reaction.  And I have felt awful about it afterwards, but it turned out to be a really big red flag for me.  If I did not enjoy watching my partner get off, then we could not proceed.  I want those moments when I am lost in thought, and have a happy shudder thinking about the knee jerk expression of raw sex.  That is how I want to think about all my partners past and present.  I feel like I have lost out when I do not have that.  Perhaps that is how some people feel about kissing.  That electrical spark that seems to snap through the air the first time your lips meet.  For me, the first kiss is nothing more than a first kiss.  I may feel that spark once in memory and then that is it.  The memory that lasts for me is that cum face.  The sound, and visual are almost permanently stamped in my memory.  I lament when that O face sucks, and is void of a sound to give me a full memory to come back to.
And I am almost positive that a females orgasm face can have the same effect on a man.  It took me a long time to gain some self confidence in that department.  To be able to get lost in the moment and not care what I looked like, and most importantly for me, not care about just how stupidly red my face gets!  I even tried to minimize how many times I would orgasm so that I would not be so red.  Ah, to be young and stupid again.  I have now come to appreciate that I cannot change what I look like, or what my partners look like.  It will either be a turn on, or a turn off and that will be the end of things.  So hopefully I have not created any unnecessary complexes by writing about this.  
The big O face matters to me and my sex life.  I hope each and every one of you who read this will take a moment and think about what your partner’s cum face looks and get a little turned on, or a lot.  And if you would like to share your thoughts on what your partners O face means to you, I would love to hear about it, for science of course!

Ladies Just STOP It!

 Why do woman think that our job in the bedroom is to please our men?  When did this happen, and why did this happen?  Is it because men are more vocal about their sexual needs and tell us this is the case?  Is it because woman display more insecurities for a longer period of time then men?  Is it perhaps that physiologically woman are more complex to get to orgasm then men?  Honestly, I do not care the answer to any of these questions, instead I just want woman to start vocalizing what they want and do not want when it comes to sex.
Our potential combination of three holes do not exist for the sole purpose of getting your man off.  Quite the opposite in fact, they are our holes and the pleasure we derive is for us.  I heard a lady yesterday talking about how long it took her to get her boyfriend to cum, and by the time he finished she realized that she did not cum once, but was happy that he was happy.  Blech!  That is not how this is supposed to work.  Woman should get their orgasms when they want their orgasms, and should not put the needs of their partner above their own.  We should not sacrifice our sexual pleasure just to please our male counterparts.  Of course some days I just do not feel like having an orgasm, (when I am getting a migraine it can trigger it to be much worse), but that is my choice and not my partners.  I would never put my pleasure on the back burner so my guy could get off.  Would a woman ever hear her guy say, “oh sweetheart, it’s not that important that I get off, let’s just put all our focus onto you tonight”.  Ok, to be fair I do know of a few men who say that regularly and you are gems!  Freaking amazing gems!
All too often I hear about woman faking orgasms, or not even being asked if they came or not by their partners.  It just should not be that way in my humble opinion.  Every person’s wants and needs should be on equal footing and the GGG of a relationship is dependent on this.  As an aside to this, ladies, it is ok to ask for something and then decide that you did not really enjoy it.  Our sexual wants and needs change, and so if we do not speak up there is a lot of added pressure to get it right when we do.  It is just not the case.  Sometimes fantasies are better in our imagination but not trying and asking?  That’s the real crime.  If you do not explore or expand your horizons there is a world of things you may miss out on.  And sometimes you find out that it is left for the pros.  But at least you have something you can laugh about with your partner.