Dating Profiles and My 200th Post

In a previous post I mentioned some things to avoid when it comes to online dating.  Now I want to share some useful information I have discovered when it comes to just getting started, and putting up your profile or preparing yourself to go out there and meet people.  The very important task of how do you sell yourself is something that successful people put thought into prior to dating.  It is important to ask how do you see yourself, what image are you portraying to those people around you, and the toughest one, do these two images actually represent who you want to be.
First impressions are important.  Yes, you can overcome a bad first impression, however it is easier to just put a great foot forward on the first try.  Who wants an even bigger challenge, when you can get it right the first time?  One of the first things I notice online, is if a guy or gal has negativity in their profile.  How fantastic is it when you meet someone for the first time and within seconds you get a sob story?  This person will become an object to avoid, for fear of being sucked down into that void of bleakness.  The same logic should apply when setting up your profile.  Do not have a list of things that you hate, and pet peeves, especially within the first few lines.  If you can take the time to spell out what you do not like, try putting the same effort into what you do like, or perhaps even love?
Also try to avoid statements that could spark a negative emotion.  For example saying that you hate online dating, could make the reader feel guilt for being online themselves looking for love.  Or by saying  this is the last time you are trying this because women/men are crazy.  Come on, this just leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth.  What are you going to talk about on your first date?  All the horror stories from online dating, finding out all the red flags of a person, only to realize that you found out nothing about a person’s passions, goals or aspirations in life.  You need to ignite a positive vibe, come up with something that an onlooker wants to find out more about.

These are not complex ideas, and yet more than half of the profiles I read if they get past the “will fill out later” have something bad to say in them.  And once you start getting a few people interested in you that you do not feel the same about, it is easy to start putting up walls to protect yourself.  I found my biggest surprise in E when I was online dating.  There are great and amazing people on there, you just have to ensure that you are one of them first and foremost.  

Bad Book! Bad!

I have recently and very begrudgingly finished “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” for a variety of reasons, but the main one is mere curiosity.  This is a book that basically changed how my mom’s generation speaks about men and women in relationships.  Whether they hated or loved the book, growing up I heard reference to men and women being from different planets often enough to finally want to read the book for myself.  I will not pretend that I enjoyed the book, suffice to say that there is so much convulsion of ideas that no matter what your viewpoint on a subject the circular speech finds an eerie way of relating to every single person and situation imaginable.  And when it does not, well “either ignore it (moving onto something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself” (John Gray’s words and not mine). 
Thankfully I am finished as I said and I would like to summarize why I feel the book gained so much popularity.  Quite simply, displacement (thanks Addams Family for always making me say that word with an accent).  The entire premise of the book is based on the idea of blame, or shifting your perceptions.  Rather than getting to know the opposite sex, or learning to love them for who they are, the book teaches you that they are who they are because of their alien heritage.  If you are having a fight, it is because you speak a different language, and thus it is necessary to accept the differences and learn how to manipulate the situation to your favor.  There is also a little gem in there that 10 percent of a fight is based on the present, and 90 percent of any fight is due to your parents or something dark in your past.  We don’t fight because we are actually annoyed, we fight because of past events and once we look past or write a loving letter then everything will be roses.

But here’s the thing, love or hate the book, as much as I do, there are points of real interest.  For example, the idea that once you can learn to accept that you partner needs his/her alone time, you can stop taking it as a personal slight or lack of love.  Also that by learning to communicate with direct language versus trying to sugar coat our feelings, pretending to be happy or not bothered we can build stronger bonds.  These are fundamental keys to living with a partner, communicating effectively and growing as a couple regardless of sex.  Shame it two nearly half the book to make clear those two thoughts, but it was really easy read so the pain did not last long.  I am curious though, if anyone has read it, and found it to be helpful in their lives.  I truly want to hear from you!  This book after all changed a generation, and perhaps it was the building block that allows my generation to further explore our relationships… maybe.

Blissful Oblivion and Being Myself

In my previous post I touched on the idea of not acting a different way depending on your relationship status, and instead to try altering the focus to being true to yourself, and going one step further, to be true to yourself in every situation.  This is not always easy, or even possible, as I have often found in the workplace especially.   My language and interests, including my blog and book research are not workplace appropriate conversations.  For the most part though I am focussing on developing myself as a whole person who can look back and feel that no compromises need to be made, no matter the role I need to play. 
I had an interesting discussion to this end with my partner.  Often I have found myself watching everything that goes on around me.  I miss very little as far as body language and social interaction goes.  This is a skill I have refined and tweaked over the years to be as precise and accurate as the situation calls for.  I had completely missed out on the art of being oblivious.  I thought this concept was odd at first hearing as well.  The art of being oblivious or purposefully ignoring things that just may not matter seemed bizarre.  What could possibly be gained from having a white noise filter when at a social event?  Just thinking of all the conversations and interactions that could be missed gives me a little social anxiety.  But is there a peaceful centre to be gained from this? 
Let us say that you have a friend who always says the wrong thing, is socially awkward or is just perpetually nervous giving the vibe of a social nincompoop.  Do you A) follow them around nervous and on edge preparing for damage control.  B) Stop hanging out with them because the stress it puts on you could potentially ruin your time as well.  Or C) just put a filter on in your mind and become oblivious to all the things that do not affect you.  I without thinking have always picked A, but what if the best answer was C?  In the quest to find ways to increase my personal happiness, one of the components is to not allow other people to add stress in my life.  Learning to live for myself and be responsible for my own thoughts and feelings is so important.  And looking at the little multiple choice questionnaire, it is obvious that the first two answers involve giving my emotions over to someone else.  I have been putting myself in position geared to react, versus having the control over my own autonomy.
Now although the example here is to do with friendship, I can apply this to so many facets of my relationships.  Having dated someone in my past who loved to get drunk, I rarely took control of my own emotions.  I allowed myself to follow the rollercoaster of his drunken adventures, which would often result in negative feelings at the end of the night or the next morning.  It was incredibly stressful.  By opening myself up to his destructive behaviour, I saw his actions as a reflection of myself.  I felt we were a team and his actions reflected poorly, especially when he drank, on me.  I shifted the power, so to speak on him, instead of understanding that I could only be responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and actions.  Had I known about having an oblivious feature, living life for me alone, I believe two things would have happened although I am not confident on in what order.  I would have been a lot happier, as my stress would have significantly decreased.  I would not have felt this intrinsic bond which resulted in negative thoughts every time he would go out drinking, preparing myself for the worst.  Also, having separation between his actions and my feelings would have potentially allowed me to see a little clearer into what I really wanted in a partner.  I would have allowed myself to view my thoughts and feelings on my own merit, rather than an extension of his.  I may have made adjustments sooner in our relationship and who knows what that result would have been. 
I have sought out real and true connections in earnest, with the ultimate goal being joined at the hip with someone else.  With the new thought that I can turn blinders on when interacting with certain people or situations, I potentially could allow myself more self control, and ultimately be solely responsible for my own actions instead of reacting to the actions of those I love.  Happiness can truly be in my hands with a little blissful oblivion.

Perceptions About Penis Size: Thanks Porn

So my last post may have come across a little critical of porn for making things look easier said than done.  But I also want to touch a bit on some good things it has done for society… and more specifically for me.  I have written a topic or two on porn, just porn and how it should not be a threat to any relationship if viewed in moderation and respectfully.  And as a follow up to that, porn is more than just hot, and a way for humans to get off, porn can also be useful in our sex negative society.  Of course I say that with full knowledge that there is something out there for everybody, and I do mean everybody, which is not always a good thing.  There is not a soul out there who in good conscience can say there is any positive to child pornography.  That one is an open and shut case and I do not think needs any further discussion.

But what about my claim that some porn is actually useful and goes a step forward to creating more whole, sexual human beings?  I, growing up, was always told that men have penis envy.  Men are shy about their junk, and get easily embarrassed when they get compared to other men.  I have been told that the worst thing a girl can ever do is to tell their partner about the other penis’ they have seen, or in anyway, shape or form compare dick sizes.  This has been drilled into my head over and over, by peers, media and various other forms of social normalization I have encountered.  To go a step further, I have also been taught that men must always believe that their penis is the biggest and the best, and that it hurts their manhood to discover that some other guy is more endowed than they are.  Perhaps I am the only girl who was ever taught this extremely short-sighted  and largely inaccurate stigma.

I mentioned before a book called “A Billion Wicked Thoughts” by  Ogi Ogas and Sai Goddam (which you can easily purchase on Amazon through moi) , and I feel now is a great time to touch on it again.  One of the chapters specifically discussed how men are more turned on in heterosexual porn when the men in scene have a big cock.  And not just a large cock, but an extremely large cock.  This is contrary to anything I had ever heard before.  My assumption would have been that viewing a penis smaller than their own would have been more satisfying from a male dominance angle, but truth is stranger than fiction.  Thanks in part to porn and viewing larger penis’ men seem to have come to terms with other dicks being larger than their own.  I do not think this concept could be possible without having porn readily available.  And the benefits for their partners are also there.  That fear of admitting you have slept with a man who was extremely well endowed is less apparent.  Talking about it, in some cases, can even be a huge turn on.  Men are actually becoming less frightened with regards to cocks and potential inadequacies.  Honestly this concept is just downright fascinating to me.

Ron Jeremy is an icon, but he not just an icon for woman.  He is a man’s man and every interview or comment I have read about him states that he is just a really nice guy.  Why is the average man not terrified that his partner is comparing his much smaller genitals to the obviously bigger porn stars?  This is what I was lead to believe for so many years, and it amazes me just how far from the truth this actually is.  Yes, there are men who are uncomfortable with their sizes and are insecure, just as there are woman who fantasize about playing with the massive cock, but these are actually exceptions and not the norm.  And that is a really good thing, a thing that needs to continue despite what the media, would like to have us believe.  Porn is not some evil entity that is ruining our sex lives, in fact it is enhancing it.  Giving us a real visual for what is out there.  Eliminating the need to wonder and therefore worry about what might be hiding in your next door neighbors pants.  Porn is helping to alleviate the fear of the unknown, allowing us to overcome those preconceived notions that do our society harm.  Penis size is just one small way that porn is helping our society become more sex positive, and also I really like writing a blog post where I can say dick and cock so many times.
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