Female Reactions to Porn: Blog Topic Request

Why is it that when your partner says it doesn’t bug her if you watch porn, then you do beside her and it freaks her out? 
I was asked this question recently and I have a few ideas for the rational behind this.  My gut reaction was that she really wants to be OK with the viewing of porn, but is still working through some issues with it.  The idea of having her nose rubbed in the fact that it is being viewed right beside her might be just too much in the here and now.  In the future this may be fine, and perhaps even turn into a turn on, but the gut reaction was to freak out a little.  Being sex positive can be a bit of a battle, and with the variety of porn out there, some just truly irritates me even though I do not have any problem with my boyfriend watching it in the same room as me.
Now my second theory is a little more complicated and really plays into what I experience monthly.  Yes I do mean monthly, and this falls in line with my Shark week post.  For the majority of my cycle I have a firm control on how I react to things.  I can control, maintain composure and even joke about things that make me a little nervous.  But for a day, or up to a couple in a month I react in a completely out of character way.  I am self conscious and almost weak feeling.  I am not trying to blame my hormones, rather I am just pointing out the patterns that I have noticed.  I work hard to try and recognize these cyclical patterns and adjust the surprising reactions with a little more tact.  But I, like many woman have an incredibly irregular cycle and sometimes I am days off where I think my hormone levels may be sitting.  It is admittedly a pain in my ass, so I always try to empathize with just how exponentially more of a pain this must be for my partner.  Rational, level headed girlfriend 98%  of the time, then just irrational, and self conscious for a few days.  Get the timing really wrong and this can be a recipe for a massive disagreement.  But back to the original query.
The third option is that she was outright lying about being OK with it just to please you.  It is not going to be the most popular answer, and one that most likely will never be admitted.  But the reality is, that sometimes people say things to a partner that just are not true.  And often they come back to bite us in the tushie.  Men and woman sometimes embellish the truth just enough to heighten attraction between partners.  I have most definitely done it, and had some serious soul searching to do with fixing the untruth that was told.  The unfortunate part though, is you may never know the truth about why she freaked out.  But you can learn a lot about her reactions, and the way you two work to resolve or communicate the issue and that is what really counts.

Just Porn: Just Vibrators

Why are some men so incredibly afraid of vibrators?   I wrote my thoughts on porn being just porn , in hopes that it would shed some light on the fear that some woman have regarding their male partners porn viewing habits.  The long and the short of it is that men are going to watch porn, and so long as the female does not feel that the porn is replacing her, it should be accepted for what it is in man’s life, just porn.  So now onto our male counterparts, and some of your fear or discomfort with vibrators in your woman’s life.
Vibrators are a part of our female history, most notably in the usage by doctors to cure the female condition called hysteria.  The vibrator was developed by doctors because their arms were getting tired manually stimulating the female genitals.  Now instead of large contraptions filled with belts, gears, and sometimes even steamed powered machines we have portable devices run on batteries.  And let me tell you that they still can cure a multitude of ailments from headaches, to mild depression and most importantly to use just because it feels great.  But there are still men out there who fear these pleasurable devices, and woman who are embarrassed about them too.    
The thing of it is, these devices are not designed to be a replacement for a penis, tongue, or finger.  How could they be, when many are designed to look like dolphins or bunnies, even cute rubber duckies for some bath time play.  People are not designed to vibrate, and thus we are not able to provide the same sensations to our partners that these toys can.  Hence the parallels between the lack of threat between a males porn viewing and a females vibrator are clear.  One is just not a substitute for the real thing, and in fact both places of stimulation can even be a special treat in the bedroom or a regular enhancement.  Whereby the male has his visual senses kicked into overdrive, and the female has her clitoris stimulated during penetration for just one small example. 
Whatever makes your sex life more amazing is a good thing and should not be viewed as a threat.  Jealousy is a funny thing, and it is something I am faced with on a daily basis in my lifestyle, but the trick to really take a moment and think about what is actually the root cause of your fear or insecurity.  Figuring out the cause of jealousy is something that can be applied to many other aspects of your life, so take the time as I have to figure out why something that can add pleasure for you and your partner is a negative thing.  And please do not forget to pick safe toys for you and your partner, free of harmful chemicals, for more information please use the links in this blog.

A Females Desires

I recently read A billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas & Sai Gaddam, and I would recommend it as a must read for anyone wanting to learn more about their sexual desires and those of their partners.  In my mind this is a smooth follow up book to Sex at Dawn, which I have previously recommended.  The hard wired sexual taste cues of men versus women who are much more fluid and almost have a subconscious physical and emotional connection to sexual desires.  I wrote about a man’s nature and this book goes one step further by actually proving what men and women really want in sex based on extensive internet research.  It is can be difficult for men and women to tell the truth completely, as often we don’t truly know what turns us on.  The anonymity of queuing our porn searches validated their statements and groundbreaking truth regarding what visual and emotional cues really do it, so to speak, for us. 
One of the later chapters in the book deals with women and why they seem to love and yearn for Vampires or as they call the erotical illusions.   And the reason I bring this up is that I personally shy away from erotic literature, although this seems to be the number one erotic cue in woman.  I read many romance novels as a teenager, but honestly I felt that once I experienced the real physical act of sex, that I no longer needed or desired reading about it.  But I can understand how the literature can deepen the desires and fantasies for a women.  Men are programmed at an early age as to what fuels them sexually.  The fluidity of women on the other hand knows no bounds.  This is evolutionary speaking how we co-exist so well.  But a problem can arise and this I know first hand, the desire to please our men to keep them.  There is a fine line between being fluid and in pleasing your man for your man’s sake and not your own.
Female turn-on’s range from simple missionary to BDSM and everything in between, around, and up and down.  Our bodies and our desires can be limitless.  The studies historically said that women reach their sexual peaks at 40.  Truly I believe that women reach their sexual peaks as soon as they open up and accept all they are capable of what they desire for themselves.  I know that many men find it hard to please a woman, and I will ask them if their women know how to please themselves?  It is necessary to walk the risky line of pleasing your man, and pleasing yourself.  I have stumbled and landed on the wrong side of this line numerous times and will probably stumble a few more times.  I do know for certain though that awareness about what is going on around me and for me is the first step to understanding and enlightenment.  

Porn, Just Porn

Ahh, good ole porn.  I have asked myself once, twice, maybe a thousand times why does he need to watch porn when I am right here in the flesh.  Honestly what woman has not?  If women watched as much porn as men, would men start to develop a complex too?  Recently a website on finding his porn, went up. (I am not linking directly to the site as I do not want to promote it in any way).  Why all the hate towards porn?  Why did I recently have a fight with my man regarding porn?  I like to think I am fairly open minded but it still gets to me from time to time. 
So what does porn really represent to a guy and is the viewing of pornography an actual threat to a healthy sexual relationship?  So I went to an expert and a doctor for a pretty sound list. What I really liked about this list is that almost everything on the list has been explained to me in some form or another from the men I have been with.  The most common reason is that men are visual and how can any additional stimulation be a bad thing? Oddly I have found that very rarely are these people in porn incredibly good looking.  Finding distrust in a genre where people really are just enjoying the physical and are no better looking than Joe Blow is sort of strange.  Of course most have attributes that we are envious of, the biggest penis, perfect tits, amazing ass, but normally it is only one of these features.  The faces are nothing special and really nothing to get all up in arms about.  They are just enjoying on screen a very natural act, sometimes in very unnatural ways, but still, it is hard to get to critical when it really just boils down to these very specific traits that these people posses.  And porn does not usually or ever come with a dating profile; it is simply a visual fantasy.
As for is porn a relationship threat?  I think unfortunately the answer is personal to each situation.  In normal circumstances porn is just part of what makes a guy happy.  They are either open or they hide the fact that they watch porn, but bottom line they are watching porn.  And I must admit that I watch porn from time to time as well so first hand I appreciate its fantasy benefits first hand and without criticism.  I am a little overwhelmed sometimes by the sheer volume of naked women getting pounded on the screen for the viewing pleasure of my boyfriend at times.  And sometimes I am just plain old upset and emotional over it.  But rationally and calmly there isn’t anything I can do or say to change it, so might as well make peace and try to find some way to make it enjoyable for me too.  For example I manned up after an hour of silence and told my partner that the porn he was watching did nothing for me, and he suggested I pick the video.  It was a whole new world, even though I did a terrible job finding porn the first time for us it can only get better from here.
But let us be perfectly honest, if your man or woman is finding comfort in porn over the comfort of your human flesh then perhaps it is time for an open conversation about where things are in your relationship.  But please don’t install this crazy spy software if you are unsure where you stand in your mans porn collection.  Be frank and honest, and share your feelings, it’s amazing what can result and where it can take you in the long run.  After all it’s only naked people on screen doing something that we love to do and getting paid for it!  Celebrate what it can offer to the bedroom and try not to get emotional at what it sometimes feels it represents.  Porn is just porn.