It’s OK to Feel Not OK

July 6, 2022 K Ghislaine

Recently I was faced with a choice, to respond to a person in the way that I would like to be responded to, or to do my standard joking, playful, and seemingly dismissive retort. Was that vague enough? OK, so a guy I was planning a date with, messaged that he was having a rough day and didn’t feel up to seeing me. Of course I was disappointed, but… and here’s the but… I was so shocked and ultimately impressed that this guy was able to tell me he was in a dark place, that I didn’t write my default message. In that moment, I realized that it was up to me, to take a step back, and really take stock of the situation. I have been putting out into the universe that I want men to be honest with me. And just like that, he was.

I have long been a believer in mental health days being just as crucial to our health as physical health days. Why do we have sick days, and not depressed days? It simply makes no sense. And as a person who knows good and bad days, why is it permissible that I bail on event because I have a cold, but not to say that I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed? For some reason we are expected to just rally, or what I think happens more often than not, lie or make up excuses for our absence. This, needs to stop.

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Yes, it is completely valid to feel bummed when someone can’t make it out to see you. However, it is important to reflect on the strength of character it takes a person to just send that text, especially when they are feeling too low to move. Remember, our emotions are valid!

This brings me to another shocking revelation about myself. OK, fine, something that I should come to terms with. I have consistently created a safe space for my dearest friends. We can openly talk about our bad days, and remind each other to drink water, get some vitamin D, let it out, and stretch or move. Yeah, I have some pretty incredible souls in my life. That being said, I have not formed the same bonds with men. In my mind, I know I am open minded, and empathetic to almost all things. But, have I articulated that? Have I ever lead by example? Do I properly communicate that my space is a safe and understanding space? Definitively not… especially at first. I tend to keep my emotions to myself. And I think, if I’m being honest, I have created a double standard between friends and lovers. I seem to hold lovers to a higher standard of openness without putting the work in myself. So yay, opportunity areas right??? Ugh… So many things to work on and improve. Self improvement just never ends does it?

I don’t know when too soon is to be open and vulnerable, so there will be mistakes made. My hope is, that I can continue what just felt right the other day. Acknowledging that there will be good and bad day, and I want to be with people who understand that. Create the spaces you want to be in yourself. Stop this whole double standard thing whereby my friends can get away with so much more than the men in my life can. I can do this!

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Write on the board 50 times:

June 20, 2022 K Ghislaine

I am valid, and my words Matter!

I do not have to always explain myself. My experiences are valid! #SorryNotSorry!

What is something you need to write out 50 times? Let’s share, and lift each other up with words of validation and encouragement. And a special shout out to those willing to share some beer money!

We Are in the Darkest Timeline…

June 5, 2020 K Ghislaine

And When We Need Empathy the Most, It Doesn’t Seem to be Working

Let us start at the beginning, what does empathy really mean?

It is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.”

I have always thought of myself as an empathetic person. Putting myself in other people’s shoes is something I do without thinking. Perspective is everything, and I love having the capacity to experience and understand more about the human experience through this skill-set. Using this mindset it feels valid for me to claim that I am an open-minded sex positive individual and in turn coach and help those who are struggling with various aspects of their non-monogamous relationships. It’s difficult to write this, without appearing like I am bragging, but the honest truth is developing empathy was how I survived a difficult childhood. As an only child, moving every 3 years, I had to efficiently learn skills to fit into new situations quickly and without any previous frame of reference. And if you believe in such things, I am a libra, and I have been told this brings a natural balance to my perspective.

Now, to the post at hand. There is a lot going on in the world. People are justifiably angry with, well, pretty much everything. From being forced to isolate, to the disgusting murder of a black man by people of authority, to the fact that it is supposed to be pride month, and quite frankly we have very little to celebrate. All in all 2020, has sucked so far. And being a person with a platform (no matter how small), I believe it is my duty to speak out and show support for all the people who are suffering. But there is a huge problem with this, empathy doesn’t seem to be working.

In all my years of blogging, and being active on social media, never have I felt this total chaos. And by chaos, I mean this completely helpless feeling where everything I do is wrong. Empathy, up until now has always been a strength and has helped me be an ally to the people who truly need it. Now though, people are just so damn angry I am at a loss of how to help. Being silent is never OK, but when I am called out for being “obtuse” due to asking what black charities small businesses can donate to in my local community, it is obvious that anger is at the boiling point. Again, I want to make it clear, that I have complete empathy and want to learn, help, and ensure that racism is extinct from out future. But, I have to say again, I am at a loss of how to do this.

One theme I keep seeing is that activists are exhausted from providing lists, resources, and links to those among us who keep asking what we can do. The frustration seems to be that it is far more important for the white ally to just do some research to find the best charity etc. on their own, thereby taking a more active approach. But I hope you understand, there are many of us who just don’t want to make anymore mistakes or make things worse. I for one, have always been taught never to use race as a means of dividing people. So it goes against everything I know to do a specific Google search for black owned/run companies or charities. It feels, like I am doing something wrong. Why should it matter what race/orientation/ etc. a company is run by? That is the preconception I go into this with. And the confusion doesn’t end there.

When one person says that they don’t want to see any white person use #blacklivesmatter, and another says that “silence in white people is supporting white supremacy” or that unless you have experienced racism you should just shut up and let black people talk, it becomes less and less clear how not to mess this up. I am at a complete loss as to how to be an effective ally. Racism needs to end. All humans should have fair access to healthcare, education, and due process under the law. Equality for all needs to be fought tooth and nail to achieve. So I ask again, please, tell me how I can help?

I would love to boost black authors, sex positive educators, and support in anyway I can. However, I don’t want it to seem like I am just pandering for the here and now. I want desperately for these actions to be meaningful, insight real change, rather than a temporary increase of exposure, unless that’s all you want me to do. I’ve seen call outs for specific contributors, and I am going to be brutally honest, looking for one specific voice has always made me uncomfortable. Again, my bias has always been an open space where anyone should feel comfortable commenting, interacting, or even reading. And if this is not appropriate at this time, I need to know.

Empathy used to be enough. The complete willingness to learn, support, and stand up for what is right has always worked for me, as I said, until now. I’m not rich and famous. I don’t have a lot of resources at my disposal, but I do have my words. I don’t want to remain passive, but I cannot constantly fight for a cause I very much believe in, if I keep getting told I am wrong by the very people I am trying to fight for. Help me learn, do better, and above all, be the ally you need.

If you have a resource or book that you think would help me, and others, please link it in the comments or on social media.

Beware of the Nice Guy

June 7, 2019 K Ghislaine

I can be an intense, and passionate person. I articulate my thoughts and feelings in a way that for most new people in my life seems attractive, confident, and refreshing. I approach people and their relationships in a thoughtful, attentive, and what comes across as a well-balanced way that gives off the impression that it just comes naturally to me. The truth is, it took me decades to reach this point. To understand myself, and articulate my thoughts and feelings in such a way that I know exactly when to ask for a hug, ask for space, or just break down and say I have no idea what I need and require help or support.

Now, having this personality is refreshing to people. I blossom in one on one conversations, and usually, I can get a persons life story or deepest secrets within a first meeting. And the range of people I meet this way is fascinating and incredible. But for purposes of this post, I need to shed light on a specific personality type that has plagued me, over and over again, the nice guy.

When I meet a nice guy I usually steer clear of them, because I will admit, I know the pattern our friendship will take, and I never like the final outcome. First, we will become super fast friends. He will feel an incredible high knowing I shared something intimate about my life, and will cling onto that. He will share, what he feels is similar information and create this overly powerful bond in his head. Instead of feeling that we are equals, he will start to idolize or fantasize that what we have is special and unique. And it is. But… there is a catch. Men like this, do not recognize that the are getting a high from this. And that they crave this feeling of being special. So they start asking more intimate questions. They start to delve deeper into your world, in an almost invasive way. Not out of malice but to re-play that initial feeling. And they poke, and prod into your relationship looking for cracks and dirt so that they can “return the favor” and help you solve some monumental moment in your life.

They, in short, feed off of your negative situation and crave it more and more. They want to feel special, and the problem is that it is not in your accomplishments but in your failures. That’s where their emotional boost comes through most strongly. That’s the role they have found in your life, and the experience that they want to relive.

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Now, as I mentioned, I avoid these people whenever possible because the reality for me, is I hate having the confrontations with these people. A few more noteworthy ones include, telling a guy exactly what he has been doing and watching him just melt. It was gut wrenching and I couldn’t handle it. Or the guy who got so angry that he called me a tease, and bitch, and well… it got really messy. Then there was the guy that I tried to coach and deal with more gently. For this particular guy I ended up having to finally end the friendship because I got so sick and tired of calling out his bad behaviour because he was incapable of breaking this cycle. And the more I write these the reactions the more I solidify why I just am not equipped to handle this personality type. It’s icky for me, and I would rather just close the door from the onset.

But, here I sit, realizing that there are situations that I cannot avoid. Co-workers, mutual friends, and the worst of them all, the men who I thought were normal friends, but see opportunity in something I shared and basically preditorially pounce, thereby changing the entire relationship dynamic, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, feigning as the nice guy to get closer to me.

So, let me be clear, I believe that the majority of people can change their behaviour once they recognize it for what it is and actually see value in overcoming it. I’m an optimist and do see overall good in individuals. From what I have seen, people are mostly devastated when I point out this energy cycle to them, and honestly, I don’t enjoy crushing people like that, because I do not have the energy, expertise, or drive to help anyone like this fix themselves. This is a hard limit for me. And why, whenever I have full control, I give a hard NOPE to this particular negative thriving person (again, I know it’s not on purpose, but that doesn’t make it better!). So, what then do I do with the unavoidable nice guys? What do I say to them? Why do I constantly have to be clear, put them in their place, or worse, re draw lines in our friendship to ensure I don’t become prey to their need to “just help me”? I am not someone who wants pity. I just want equality in my friendships and authentic communication. I want to be free to vent about another person in my life without having a reaction of judgment, and the horrible “if I were you” or the life draining sentiment of “ I would never treat you like that”.

Can we just be there for each other during the rough times, and build each other up on the day to day? Can we find a way to communicate without putting others down? Or better yet, realize that humans have a great capacity to hold more than one soul dear in their lives. We don’t need to always vie for that one coveted spot of primary or best friend, or any other of these titles. Just be a good friend, a good person, and stop the cycle of feeding off of negativity!

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Being Triggered is No Reason to Censor

December 22, 2018 K Ghislaine

I honestly strive to be level headed, compassionate and understanding, especially to all those around me who are going through difficult times. I earnestly try to keep my overly critical comments to myself, and try to understand why I feel the need to be so harsh, rather than, whatever the opposite of an opinionated, judgemental so-and-so. In this post, I am breaking that silence, and saying to hell with it. I have a strong opinion on those who feel triggered by things in our society and then take great strides to try and ban or censor those things for other people. And basically, I think these people to need to grow up, and not project really shitty things that have happened to them onto others. I believe censorship teaches us nothing, and banning things directly violates our freedoms, and yes, I think less of you for wanting to impose your skewed belief onto me.

A few weeks ago, I had a friend tell me that she supported the banning of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” because every time she heard the lyrics, “what’s in this drink?” she felt triggered. It was a painful reminder of the situation that lead up to her first rape and she was in complete shock that I wrote about not wanting to ban it here. Now I know she shared this very painful moment with me to illicit sympathy and understanding as to what she went through every time she heard the song. The pain, is for her, still as fresh today as it was many years ago. And while I wanted to pause, and give her a shoulder to cry on, the realist in me took over and basically told her that regardless of her specific situation, banning a song would accomplish nothing. You cannot shelter yourself from that specific phrase for all time, and you have zero right to impose your pain on the rest of us. That is plain wrong. To take away something from me, that I love, because it causes you pain is the epitome of selfish.

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Here is what I equate this thinking to, in all it’s ridiculous form. Imagine, as I know many of us can, myself included, that the word rape makes you uncomfortable. Now imagine, for example that any form of that word would trigger in you some form of emotional response, as again, it does for so many of us. Now, let us imagine that you are shopping for peanut butter, and decide to quickly peruse the ingredient list to ensure that it is appropriate for your specific dietary needs, and BAM! Without warning, you see the word “rapeseed” listed innocently amongst the listed inclusions. And you, understandably, do a double take. Now, here’s where we see rational get overtaken by the emotional, because in that moment, you vow that you will never look at the word rapeseed again. You vow further to ensure that you a) never read an ingredient list again, or b) start petitioning food manufacturers to take this obscene word off of the list (screw anyone whose allergic to it) or c) you work in earnest to get this seed renamed for the sake of “all the children” who will be exposed to such a vile word (again not taking into the fact that this could have serious consequences for those who are unaware of the change and ingest it accidentally).

Yes, this example is ridiculous and way out in left field, but I do feel it makes a pretty clear point. When you are triggered, you do not think rationally, and that is completely understandable. I am not trying to shame your gut reaction. What I am hoping to accomplish here, is that you take a step back, perhaps remember this crazy illustration and maybe, take pause, to remember that censorship will not in fact heal you. It will not make you feel better in the long term, and it is selfish to try and impose your will on other people, especially when you have become overcome with emotion. Hiding behind the word triggered is just that, hiding. If you need to hide for a while for your own mental well being, then please, do what you need to. But know, imposing your pain on others does not make you a do-gooder… it makes you selfish. There, I said it. Sorry, not sorry!

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Breaking Away from Monogamy

And Back Again…

Category: Question Everything

It’s OK to Feel Not OK

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We Are in the Darkest Timeline…

And When We Need Empathy the Most, It Doesn’t Seem to be Working

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Beware of the Nice Guy

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And When We Need Empathy the Most, It Doesn’t Seem to be Working

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