When I made the decision to start focusing on writing as more than just a hobby, I quickly realized that I needed to have creative outlet which is where my Patreon tier Breaking Away After Dark was born. Here I have been able to flex a few of my more erotic tales, and fully realize a fantasy or two. Whenever I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on, or have the desire to take a little “me time” break, I pull up my in progress fantasy document and add a few brainstorms. It has been a very fun ride, that, well, if you have read any of my tweets as I try and write down a new one, comes with numerous “breaks”! When I go back to edit these brainstorming sessions for actually submitting to the public, I have noticed an interesting thing, the person I am writing about, is usually without a fixed gender or orientation.
As I explore my own fluidity in relationships, and break away
with the norms of he said/she said, my subliminal mind is writing in a fluid
and undefined way. When I go back and
edit a piece, I will add in a gender and descriptors for clarity. Or as in my
last piece, I was all over the place with who this fantasy person was that I
was describing, I was actually able to pull out two very distinct sexual fantasies,
one was FF and the other was FM. I would
write things like a silhouette of your curvaceous body, and then in the next
paragraph describe the full formed shoulders and biceps. It’s as if my brain flips who is giving me
pleasure based on the sexual act or touch I am describing.
I mean, obviously I need more threesomes or foursomes in my life, that much is clear. But what is a little deeper under the surface, is how the definition of my “straightness” identity is clearly in flux. While I recognize that I am becoming for fluid in life, less regimented in my thinking, and growing more open-minded in my day to day life, I was not expecting the same to be true of my creative writing and brainstorming. I thought that my subconscious mind would instead revert back to the structured definitions I was raised with. I truly thought that when brainstorming my mind would default to the MF dynamics that it has been defined by for 35 years. When you shut your brain off and going into brainstorming mode, aren’t you supposed to go into autopilot?
Which of course leads me to question if my straight
orientation was the façade this whole time.
Perhaps I established myself as this strictly straight being for some unbeknownst
reason. Perhaps this fantasy writing is allowing
me to share my true default of “it just doesn’t matter”. Or more to the core, that I am attracted to
individuals and not genders. Just as I
am looking for fluidity in my relationships, I am pretty sure that is extending
to a more fluid perception of who is on the other end of that intimacy.
Obviously, I am a work in progress, questioning every step
of the way. And who knows where my next
erotic piece will take me, or even where my next sexual adventure will. In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself
open minded, and happy with just knowing that at this point, anything is possible,
and that optimism keeps me going day in, and day out.
Thank you to everyone who bought me a beer/coffee in October via my Patreon! Your support helped fund the creative and sex positive writing that I love doing! Many huge thanks to you all!
No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot. When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes. And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder. I want to be better than this. I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it. I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter. I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric. And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.
I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or
intimacy. It is one of those things that
I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just
a pattern I have noticed). Or I have
developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall
into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid
(and I love that!). But this time
around, things feel different. I’m not
sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking
for connections in all the wrong places.
And that is making me fail even harder.
I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something
forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had
something to fall back on. So coming back
from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue. I have never felt this starved before.
And it is wearing me down. I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved? I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier. I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person. Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness. And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely. That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way. That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party. But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.
I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return. And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally. I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while. I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am. I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in.
If you liked this picture or post and want to see more or even just buy me a beer to help fuel the writing, click here!
I am standing on the verge of something that feels
completely out of my control, and yet, I know I am responsible for putting
everything that is about to happen in motion.
I worked so hard to throw every single ball I could into the air and get
things started for me in my personal and career world, I didn’t stop to
consider what may happen if I caught more than one of those balls. Or worse, if I caught none of them. So to put it more plainly, I am Breaking Away
from the comfort I knew, and forging my own way!
I have always believed that the universe starts aligning
when you are on the right track. That
you run into more people that you have connections with, that serendipity
starts to strike with increased frequency, and just generally, better things
start to happen. I feel that right
now. The balance is being restored because
I am taking control of my future. The
problem inherent in this, is I might have taken a little too much control of
that future. So much so, that I am not
entirely sure, which of my decisions has begun the domino effect of this
shift. Which is both exciting, and scary.
2018 was a very bleak year for me financially, and personally. 2019 did not start any better. But here, I find myself seeing some return on the work I have put into not only myself, but my relationship, and recreating a social network of incredible human beings. I feel a growing confidence to be my authentic self. To put myself out there in a way, I never have before, by that I mean in the real world, and not just on paper. The nagging fear that I will end up alone, and with nothing is still there. But that voice is getting a little softer with each passing day.
It feels like I am getting my strength back. That I am less consumed by the what ifs, and more cognizant of the reality that I will survive whatever I am to face. Well, of course with the exception of being hit by a bus. I built up a brand, and am starting a career out of nothing but my experiences. That is real, and it grows more tangible by the day. While there is so much uncertainty in my current relationship, I am for the first time in months feeling hopeful. Not in certainty that we will be together forever as I felt before, but rather, that we will both be where we need to be this time next year. If you love something, set it free. While many who know me on a personal level may guess at who this refers to, you will be surprised to find out, it’s actually about me. I am setting myself free to pursue what and who I want on my terms. I may come home empty handed, but I won’t regret this time of self learning, discovery, and finding a way to pursue some pretty intense dreams of my own.
I share this in my Breaking away from monogamy blog because
I have an amazing support network through you my readers and all those that I
love. I have given a lot of thought to
term that I feel is starting to fit my life, and that is having a fluid relationship. While I don’t like labels per se, I am
finding comfort in a term that can grow and evolve with me, my lifestyle, and
my relationships. As I am about to turn 36,
I am eager to start exploring a more fluid dynamic in my life. Breaking away from the regret of not jumping
through the right hoops. And instead cherishing
what I have accomplished, while not lamenting what I have lost or was just unable
to achieve. I like many, hate admitting
failure. And these past few years, I
have had to come to terms with a lot of my own failures and shortcomings. But here is to new beginnings, a more
realistic outlook for the future, and the certainty that I am putting out my
best self for all the sexy new adventures life will be throwing my way!
Did you know it is my birthday this month? My wish list is simple and short… Beer! Ok, it is actually for a new microphone so I can start up my sex positive podcast again. If you would like to help, please head on over to my Patreon page. You can subscribe for a day, week, or even a month at whatever tier you choose (all the rewards are listed on my page)!
After nearly a decade of living, researching, and blogging about non-monogamy, I decided it was high time to share a little bit of what I have learnt with the masses. And thus, I am creating a series on Medium.com whereby I am writing a how to “non-monogamy” guide. It is an exciting endeavour and so far, the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. And, if you’re thinking that I am going to rant about a negative review, have I got a surprise for you! No, this post is about something that surfaced when I queried a local Facebook group for input on future articles. (Which if you would like to add some suggestions I would love to read them!) And after I go off on my side of things, I am going to show a completely different perspective of the same events, and then I am going ask you to decide where you sit on the issue. No, it’s not a test, and you don’t have to publicly share your answer. Instead, I want you think about how your intentions are coming across on social media, especially in light of the #metoo movement, because for better or worse, it has changed the tone of how we relate to each other, and more importantly our ability to reason.
So without further ado, I present harmful comment, or compliment: You Decide!
Yesterday, I was asking a group of lifestyle people on
Facebook for their suggestions on future articles in my non-monogamous how to
series. A female member of the group
requested that I write a piece for a male audience, and when I asked further what
she meant, it turns out that she has troubles opening or even saying hi to a
person in the lifestyle. In short, she explained
that she was looking for more of a how to guide with starting conversations
with other people in non-monogamy, and agreed this would be beneficial for both
sexes. I graciously thanked her, as this
was exactly the sort of thing that should be included in a series like this. Now, here is the point of contention, a male
commented with the following using our thread:
I think all you would need to do
is say “hi”. Pretty sure it would get your point across if he’s from a LS group.
While I kept my reply fairly mundane, in my head I was reeling, and I rushed to type out all of my thoughts. Firstly, a female asked me for help. It was specific to my article, and yes, although it was a public forum and everyone is welcome to add their input, we were in the middle of a question and answer thread. In short, a guy butted into a place that added zero value.
Second, she specifically said she was having troubles just
saying hi. So random guy ignores that,
and just suggests that she say hi anyways?
What point does saying “hi” ubiquitously get across, even on a lifestyle
site? Hi, is not consent, negotiation,
or really anything other than a pleasantry.
And listen, if a “hi” on a LS club is like some secret handshake, then
honestly, there needs to be a very bright neon warning sign for all of us who
were unaware of this fact.
Third, this woman was a very good looking brunette, and my Spidey
senses went off in a flash of an objectifying nature. She asked for help, and the
guy turned around saying, no, you don’t need to do anything but show up and all
This in general, is why, I reasoned that women have difficulty asking for help publicly where men are, and why so many of us have private groups for sharing our thoughts and expressing ourselves. I hate writing pieces with such a strong gender bias, but in the social media realm world this exists all the time and the word mansplaining had to be coined.
But now, let’s flip perspective. Let’s remove my biases, and just try and put ourselves into the male writers, or readers shoes.
Firstly, the guy was just trying to give a compliment. He saw a woman asking for help, thought to himself, nah, she doesn’t need that, look at her! She is already amazing, and he wants to tell her so. Completely benign, harmless, and ripe with good intent.
Second, he honestly thought offering her words of encouragement would make her feel better, and boost her ego. Ergo, he was being helpful, and thoughtful. At the end of the day, he is a really great guy, and wanted to tell her that in a way that has worked for decades, the negging method.
Third, he is being completely honest in that he imagined receiving a message from her, and was expressing that truthfully, no further work was needed beyond the initial interaction. He would take it from there. A woman just saying hi, is hot, confident, and should be encouraged. That’s just what he was trying to do. No ill intent meant, and he would be happy to take the lead, after her initial interest.
In summary, he is doing what he has always done on social media. He has typed a comment based on his gut reaction and impulse. Perhaps he cares little for how it is interpreted because he is just being himself. That freedom to do, say, or type whatever you want is what makes online interaction so fun and easy. He doesn’t see her body language, reaction, or any idicators to show whether it worked or didn’t and this he is going to continue acting in the same manor until he is told otherwise. And if she does respond, but not in the way he wants, no sweat, she doesn’t get him and will move right onto the next person.
I hope you have made it to the end of this post. Because what I am about to say gets to the real heart of this two perspective issue. Times have changed. Our online social interaction is, impacted by the #metoo movement. We have all felt it, in one way or another. We have seen even the most innocuous comment get blown way out of proportion, as some of you may think I have done. We have also seen the flip side, of people using humour, or negging, or just saying absolutely anything to get noticed in an interweb where it often feels like you have no voice and have to shout incredibly loudly to be heard or stand out. Any attention is good attention right? Type as fast as you can, and do not spend even a moment to think about how your words will come across because we only have a 3 second attention span, and you need to be noticed above all, good, bad, ugly, it doesn’t matter. Trolls seem to have more followers and interaction than anyone right?
Wherever you initially were sitting on this little choose your own perspective piece, the main thing I hope you takeaway is, right now, everything you put online is being interpreted from different biases. We are not in a place where we are just getting along, and existing in bliss amongst a multitude of diversity and opinions. Instead we are clashing, clamoring, and crying out foul whenever our biases are superseded by that which makes humans so unique, our ability to reason. We keep asking How Should We Behave, but we are not actually doing anything to listen to the answers.
So, pause, and think about how your words are going to be viewed and interpreted online. Decide what your intent is when you type those words on a page, and if they are not received the way you intended, tweak them next time. Change your tone. Find a new way to stand out in this new world of social interaction. Don’t waste the ability to reason and think. There is more to life than just being right.
If you like this post and want to join in on the conversation, why not follow me on Twitter? Or check out all the behind the scenes content, including my erotic fantasy shorts on my Patreon?
I’m feeling raw and vulnerable, because it happened again. It always seems to happen. Here I am, trying to be open, fun, and authentic and then boom, some jackass takes it too far. They stop respecting when I say no. And they try… wait… they do push my boundaries, simply because they believe something inherently false, that women do not know what they want. That I, do not know what I want. Why? Because they have their best intentions at heart and I can trust them. I have heard this argument so many times in my life, that it really has done a mind fuck on me. And yes, there is a time and a place when this may be true. I.e. when you are in a committed relationship and your partner knows you better than you know yourself. Or when there is an established, vocalized, and consent based trust that they will not ever push you into a place that would harm either of you. Then, of course, there is an exception, and perhaps the good intentions hold true. But even then, if I or anyone else says no, the demand is that it be heard.
Good Intentions VS Perceptions
But that’s not where I find myself right now. I have numerous people in my life with whom I have to keep re-iterating my boundaries. How many times can I say, “no, I don’t want a hug” or “no, I don’t want to have sexualized conversations with you, because we don’t have that type of relationship”. It becomes exhausting steering the conversation away from sex or relationship topics or even something as simple as talking about my personal life. That nice guy adage of talking about your feelings will make you feel better is bullshit. I’m not playing those games or letting you into my mind! It makes you feel better to see someone hurt or vulnerable, not me! How many times do certain men need to be shot down before I have to up the ante, and get really mad or worse, cut them out of my life completely?
There is a huge difference between being playful, flirty, and fun, versus just pulling out all the stops and ignoring the word no. If I say, no, I demand that to be respected. I know myself. I know my body, and I know my comfort levels. On and on this note, body language plays a huge role in this too. If you reach out to touch someone, and they do not reciprocate the touching, it’s time you took a pause and ask them if they are OK with it. I think we all know what that uncomfortable hug from someone you don’t want touching you feels like, and when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable place it is so much worse. You begin to dread having to ever see them again. You need to get consent before you touch someone, and crush that part of you that thinks your touch someone is more important than their answer. And no, it not OK to look crushed and hurt or make them feel guilty for whatever their answer is.
Why Do I Feel Raw?
Now you may ask why I opened with feeling raw and vulnerable because I seem to have a very clear picture of what I want. But the truth is I am getting very tired of feeling that this is my fault. That writing this blog, sharing sexy pictures on Patreon, or posing for Instagram with my beer and boobs, somehow means I deserve to be ignored. Or that I must be open with everyone. Or that I identify as a sex positive individual and therefore, I want to talk sex all the time, and be touched by everyone. Or worse, that you think you are special because you read my work, understand me, and now feel that you somehow are a part of my intimate life. Let me be very clear, I share what I want to share, and I want to be free to continue doing so. I do not owe you anything, and I do not have to expand on topics for your own delight. And again, if I say I don’t want to talk about it, respect that. Do not give me your puppy dog eyes, and put your hand on my thigh, telling me that you’re always here if I need you.
A Little Math to Help Clarify
Let’s put some math into this to help me explain. Let’s say you have read 10 of my blog posts,
and we have had 1 conversation in person that lasted about 10 minutes. Do you think that in that short amount of
time what you know of me, versus what I know of you is now equal? Do you honestly think that somehow, magically,
you have put enough work into building trust and a relationship that we are on
equal footing and you can ignore when I say no?
Or to ignore when I blatantly brush you off, and do not reciprocate to a
single one of your advancements? If
you’re wondering, each one of my posts takes at minimum of an hour of my time
(keeping the math simple here as some take days). So, from a simple algebraic formula can you
get this to balance? Remember, I have
already put in 10 hours of my life, to your 10 minutes. Are you seeing the inequality here?
And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of men taking advantage of that and thinking they don’t have to put in any effort with me. More to the fact, I am exhausted from working so hard to let me guard down, and then boom, feeling like I am faced with blatant sexual harassment that some how I feel is my fault. Because I was open, sex positive, and shared my vulnerabilities publicly.
In Short, Respect the No!
The world is changing. The #metoo movement is real. It is no longer acceptable for men to just keep pushing until they get slapped or the woman changes her mind, mind you that was never a great tactic but if you lived through the 80’s and 90’s you’ll remember that being pretty common. Remember those days are over. Wake up! If you have ever had a woman claim that you crossed the line, you are the problem. You need to change your tactics and never do that again. Respect the no. Do not push it. And here’s the thing, even if a woman has been uncomfortable even one time, I have to re-iterate that you have done something wrong. Woman should never feel uncomfortable. It means you have not put in the time required to build trust, you are ignoring clearly established boundaries, and/or you are not respecting the person you are interacting with. I don’t care how “good” your intentions may be in your head, your actions are clearly in violation of your intentions, you are not the nice guy that you think you are, and you need to stop that behaviour immediately!
Posts like this are why my pictures are no longer as sexy on my blog. Someday, I hope that will change and I will be free to be an exhibitionist publicly, for now, check out my Patreon for all the behind the scenes content!